[a]

Hi Albatross

I get what you are saying, after 22 years how could ex not be part of my psyche - however i am going to give it all i have to remove him from entering my psyche on a daily basis.

I am determined to make new memories and new experiences that will eventually diminish any thoughts of ex.  It's like that movie "50 first dates', where each day the heroine's father paints over her creations from the previous night with a coat of white paint.  Each time i realise i am thinking of ex i will paint over the thought with my coat of white paint - until the day comes when i have lived more years without ex than i shared with him and those years will be marked by courage, resilience, sincerity compassion and love.  That is what i am going to aspire to do.

take care

[Albatross]

With all respect, good luck with that, but I am think it is impossible. Human is like tree, whatever happens to the tree during a life can be seen on tree and in tree. How tree is big, how much scars have, all those scars from tree youth still remain, look even bigger. Our spouses hit MLC just because of that, they has bad experiences in childhood, FOO issues, impaired parents, God knows what, only they knows. How human beings are hardwired and everything in nature trying to use minimum energy, humans live huge majority of life on auto pilot. And that autopilot could be bad one which is made years since human born, some people develop bad, even maladaptive defense mechanisms and bad, even maladaptive coping mechanisms. All of that is made by long time of repetitive events which make our complexes, automatic parts of our self.

So, their coping skills and defense are huge and they perceive world as hostile. They cannot live anymore like that so they crash.

What I am trying to say is that people who aren't hurt badly or live in long time abuse could change self during life on evolute way. They could not. Same goes with normal people. We are severely damaged. Time could heal, but it is long and painful process. nevertheless we would never be completely healed.

In case that is possible, that method of healing would get Nobel prize.

[Songanddance]

"there is no good or bad in this world, no right or wrong only judging makes it so"

Not exactly correct here - Hamlet says 
"Why then 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison."

Here he is talking about the state of Denmark.  Re-frame Denmark to mean your MLC situation and it still makes sense.

It is not judging that is the issue here but thinking.

Reading that article by Rydall - it appears to me to not be about good or bad things but about re-framing and using mindfulness as a healing mechanism.

Yes bad things happen to good people - most of us on here never thought we were bad people and deserved to have our worlds rocked sideways and inside out.  There is a point where we think perhaps if we hadn't done this or that... The "if only" syndrome as I call it.

It is about our thought processes and how they can hold us prisoner or how they can help us heal.

Mindfulness is the "in " thing here in the UK and suddenly businesses are being bombarded with mindful tutors hoping to be able to run mindful sessions for the employees. Mindful books abound as do CDs etc.....

Mindfulness is helpful but is not the cure.  Thinking and re-framing our thinking is what helps us move forward.

So Hamlet had it right.

Hamlet also said to his troupe of actors " To thine own self be true"  Interesting how Hamlet himself applied that maxim so precisely that it caused his destruction.  However we LBSers must be true to ourselves for at the end of the day or MLC tunnel - that is all we actually have - nothing more.  Maybe a mariage, maybe a returning H , maybe a divorce  who knows ......None of this will matter unless we are true to ourselves.

[Ready2Transform]

I'm going to use the example of my parents' marriage to prove you are both right!

It was a bad marriage, but it lasted I think 26 years. There was a time for probably 3-4 years where, even after she was gone, my dad would bring her up on really a daily basis. It wasn't with love, but there was some real proof that the intertwining of their lives was still present, I guess you could say.

It's not that memories or things don't still come up now, but it is not common and it is not as it was. He still lives in the last house they bought together, but it very much has a different feel to it - it's HIS. Heck, Hoss and I lived in it when Dad was briefly married and living with someone else, and it felt different then, too, which was a long time ago. The ghost of that relationship past with his first wife, though, is put to rest.

All things change with time. That's everything! And it's not that they will be completely wiped out, like amnesia, but whatever our present dealing is with them at any time will shape our attitude and where we place those memories. If you're actively looking to move forward without them - it will be quicker and easier. I think the "white washing" exercise is a great one, moment (and I love that movie). And I still think of my H daily even though we haven't spoken in over two years, so I do know they can linger, and it can feel like it will always be this way. But I know from observation that if it continues with NC for the rest of my life, my feelings, just as they have continued to do over this entire crisis, will change.

[ArmySpouse]

Doing more reflecting and found this:

Here a great link I found  about the marriage/partnership dynamics that were routed in childhood.. The 5 different characteristics like voided, giver, victim etc..

 it's a little bit better describe to you what I have found so far where you might find yourself in one of the descriptions and maybe can learn ...

http://www.thrivingfamily.com/Features/Magazine/2012/patterns-from-the-past.aspx


And here is about how you change your child's outcome based on how you for example apply rules.. Just had a HUGE wake up call!

http://www.2knowmyself.com/How_parents_affect_child_development



Gosh here:

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html


Emotionally available, healthy people do not choose to be with lovers who aren't.



The person you choose to love and partner with, mirrors your own level of emotional development. If you are truly seeking an authentic and intimate relationship, you won't attach to or remain with someone who's not, because he/she isn't a 'match' for your fundamental needs and desires. If you think there's a pattern in your romantic life that consistently feels lacking, disappointing and/or painful, you might ask yourself why you're attracted to this type of individual. More importantly, try to discern the feelings or fears that emerge for you, when you contemplate deeply loving someone, who could actually respond to you the way you've always wanted, and needed to be loved.

[xyzcf]

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/04/why-we-need-to-face-rock-bottom-alone-freya-watson/

[OffRoad]

I don't know if this has been posted yet, but it's about Shadow Types

http://www.shadowtypes.com/?page_id=280

Another site about shadow work
http://www.shadowwork.com/Personality-Traits-and-Shadow-Types.html

[31andcounting]

thanks XYZCF, very interesting read, I thought!
31andcounting

[Tsunami]

How childhood trauma can wreck a man's relationship.....excellent article!


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/good-men-project/childhood-trauma_b_8039900.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

[31andcounting]

good article Tsunami..
printed it to show my H...we'll see how he responds!
31