[HeartTattoo]

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

This article is a little long, but it addresses one of my biggest pet peeves--the reassurance that "everything happens for a reason".  MLC happens "for a reason"??  Being betrayed & abandoned by a beloved spouse happens "for a reason"??  Being so traumatized you are suicidal, lose 50#, & can barely function happens "for a reason"??

I get that some LBS's say they are better people now than they were before BD.  You can believe that for yourself if you wish.  But don't presume that is true, or should be true, of every LBS.  Despite some good things that have happened in the last 30 months, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the handle on the time machine set to go back to Jan 11, 2013.  No make it sometime in 2008 when my H met the alienator online, or maybe sometime before 2006 when he started Monstering at work & obsessing about speedboats.

I have grieved the loss of my H & my M every single moment since BD & maybe I always will.  That experience of loss does not "make me a better person" & as the author mentions about himself, in some ways it has diminished who I am as a person.

Loss deserves the respect of allowing grief.  Take care of yourself, yes.  Try to improve your physical, mental, & emotional health, yes.  But, let yourself grieve.

[superdog]

Yup had the weirdo smell thing, i thought the dog was permanently wet and drying! It was that kind of linger about, up your nose weirdo odour.

Sd
X

[Songanddance]

Interesting article but the author strikes me as bitter and contemptuous of others who initially try to help those who are grieving.

I agree - the platitude "everything happens for a reason" is almost offensive when it relates to death, loss of relationship etc or extreme pain/anguish but it can apply to somebody not getting the job they went for and ended up getting a better one.

I have never encountered this platitude from any of my friends for my situation - never.

I have received the platitude that "it's time to move on" and have realised that this is their way of saying they cannot handle the situation anymore in which case I have either removed myself from them or just been honest and told them " no - I will move on in my time not yours"

I get that some LBS's say they are better people now than they were before BD.  You can believe that for yourself if you wish.  But don't presume that is true, or should be true, of every LBS. 

I have grieved the loss of my H & my M every single moment since BD & maybe I always will.  That experience of loss does not "make me a better person" & as the author mentions about himself, in some ways it has diminished who I am as a person.

HT - you and I have always seen eye to eye - on this occasion though I am going to disagree with the principle of what you are saying here.

I too have grieved the loss of my H and what was my M (although not Dd). I see him almost every day and some days it's like ripping the band aid off time and time again.

Has this experience made me a better person? No but I am different and I am more like the me that I grew up as.

Does that mean I am better than I was before BD?  NO.  However I have learned that marriage cannot be taken for granted, that I didn't know my H as well as I thought I did, that I am a person who put her H, children and marriage first before herself.

I love my children and H very much but I now know I have to love myself above all that. Otherwise I am not whole. 

Does that mean I am now a better person? No but perhaps I now know myself better.

The " better" ness that some LBsers talk about might not mean that they are better people but that they are more true to themselves, they have become listeners who empathise as well as sympathise - they have time and love to share with others. There is an increased awareness in them of  the world outside the marriage. There is also probably greater cynicism and reality checking and healthier detachment than before.

I have a friend who has been married 3 times.  She has had 5 children. She has been widowed once and twice divorced. The second divorce happened because their 2nd child was severely autistic and caused great stress. He was so bad that she and her then H, decided that their child needed permanent care in a home. That was the most heartbreaking thing she had to do but she knew that she had to do it to save her sanity, health and that of the other children. Her H also decided to D her at that time too.  She then lived alone bringing up the other children - and her house was flooded - everything destroyed. Inadequate insurance but she managed. Flooded again two years later and this time twice within the space of 6 weeks.  No insurance now.  Moved house with help from the local government and guess what she was flooded again. 7 floods in as many years. She saw red and decided that if no-one could help her she would help herself.  She set up a flood forum. Highly successful - got noticed, over a few years and received many awards and a specific national honour.
Then the day she was given the honour - the forum executive sacked her! 
She picked herself up - set up independently and now advises the governments around the world on flood defences. She is regularly contacted by a member of the government's environmental ministerial office.

Her S is now an adult and she brings  him home every weekend  and her latest fight has been to get a new adult home near where she lives because he was going to be sent to a home 200+miles away.  She has succeeded in her fight and a new home for adults in care is to be built near her own town.

Would she say that things happen for a reason - probably not. She has known extra-ordinary heartache and has risen above it. Has it made her a better person - only she can say but what she has done has made it better for so many others and that, in my book is something I would strive to emulate rather than to feel somewhat diminished.

[Medusa]

HT, I agree with S&D that the author sounds bitter and contemptuous.

You asked if MLC happens for a reason.

My answer is, yes, it does. I am in the camp that believes the primary reason is unresolved FOO issues that become the main component of a cocktail and demands resolution. The psyche insists upon it.

Did my depression where I became suicidal happen for a reason? Yes. That was my bottom. I had the fascatjng experience of being "incarcerated" for 70 hours, and that woke me up and made me realize no one was worth my life. No one.

Which led me to mourning the loss of my marriage and the man I had loved for 26 years (then).

Which led to me finally seeing I was being emotionally abused and asking him to move out.

Which led me to look at myself and my own issues and come to terms with them.

Which led me to heal.

Which led me to being a much happier, more positive person.

Which, in my opinion, makes me a better person because I have been through my personal hell, have a kind of empathy I didn't have before. It's give. Me opportunities to do things I never would have done with him in my life. It's taught me to be independent and have a kind of confidence I never had. And more.

You don't have to like the platitudes. I understand that. I don't like them pat of the time, either. But often people use them when they are attempting to offer comfort and don't know what else to say.

Everything happens for a reason can provide hope for the future. It can help us to acceptance of something we can't change.

And we, as rational beings, have the choice to accept or reject such platitudes.

I don't agree anyone is telling you or any of us not to mourn. We do that in our own may at our own pace, and that's okay. Again, some want us to move on because they care enough they don't want to see us unhappy.

[HeartTattoo]

Interesting article but the author strikes me as bitter and contemptuous of others who initially try to help those who are grieving.

He does go on a bit too long, but "trying to help" is often "not helping" & sometimes that is due to lazy thinking or avoidance of others' pain or lack of empathy.  I like this article because it reaffirms my own bias against this sentiment  , but its target should be those who use this phrase & should maybe think how this sounds to those who are grieving a loss.

I agree - the platitude "everything happens for a reason" is almost offensive when it relates to death, loss of relationship etc or extreme pain/anguish but it can apply to somebody not getting the job they went for and ended up getting a better one.

In the case of getting a job, finding a better dress than the coveted one not in your size, having a great experience at your 2nd choice university, the phrase can be heard as "Happy coincidences happen".  But when it involves serious life altering loss & tragedy, the phrase can be heard as "My god is in control & knows better what is good for you" or "Your current traumatized feelings are unnecessary because better things are going to happen someday".

I have never encountered this platitude from any of my friends for my situation - never.

I have, several times.  I guess that is why it has become such a pet peeve.  Maybe it's the strain of fatalistic, fundamentalist religion that runs through this part of the US known as the Bible Belt.  A somewhat daffy cousin (neither fundamentalist nor fatalistic) said "God must have wonderful things planned for you".  WTF??  God arranged for my H to betray & abandon me, so something wonderful could happen?? 

Maybe I'm being nit-picky, but who's to know how we might have changed in the 2,3,5,9 years we have lived since BD, if our spouses had not left.  Maybe we could have been reminded not to take M for granted when our H was in a minor accident.  Maybe we would have learned to be more verbal in our love language when our spouse opened his mouth & actually said to us "I sometimes feel you don't love me anymore".  Maybe we would have become better people in those years too, just in a different way than we have become "better" people since BD.  IDK

Your friend's story is awe-inspiring.  A story of incredible courage & perseverance & goodness.  I wonder how she felt when someone said to her about any of it "Everything happens for a reason"?

I appreciate your comments, S&D & Medusa too having just read your post.  This is a highly theoretical discussion, but hey, whatever gets us through it.

Hugs,
HT

[HeartTattoo]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

A little humor injected into teaching others how to respond to difficulties.  Brene Brown

[calamity]

Well I like that article & if he does go on a bit maybe it's to make up for so much from the other side for so long now.  I'm not going to rage forever about how unfair life is, even though I'd probably enjoy raging forever.  I would like others to acknowledge [others in real life that is; you people get it] that losing my h is huge, it was not my fault, yes one person can end a marriage & yes it is firetrucking weird! 

Also ow's & om's are pond scum & should never be accepted in decent society!

[Mitzpah]

HT,

I am one of those who think the article is very apt.

I am a Christian, however, I cannot put God in a box and decide that if this has happened in my life, He has a better plan for me. I cannot know God's thoughts.

I do believe that God can bring good out of adversity, that is His business and that is why I have hope - in Him.

There are many people suffering in this world and it is not pretty and uplifting at all. Many will not see relief in this life.

I dislike the platitudes that people love to quote to me. I would much prefer people to be quiet and that is why I don't even like to talk to people in real life about the disaster zone my life has become. My life has not changed for better. I miss my h. every single day.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I agree with Mitzpah and HT. My life may have improved in some respects but overall it is definitely not better and I also think that the improvement that has occurred could have been accomplished in a less radical way. I feel the same way about my family's lives. And I believe my wife's life is significantly worse that it was before. And I also miss my wife and my previous life every single day.

The problem I see with the saying "Everything happens for a reason" is that there is both a literal and an implied meaning. I agree with the literal interpretation. As Medusa stated, I think with MLC it's often due to the MLCer having unresolved issues related to childhood trauma and FOO problems. If a bird were to fly over and crap on my head the reasons would be normal operation of the bird's digestive system combined with gravity and me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I do believe there is a reason for everything that happens.

But I think the implied meaning is "Everything bad that happens was necessary in order for positive changes to occur" or some such crap. We can debate the implied meaning but I think that's close enough. I don't agree that bad things have to happen in order to have positive things occur and I don't believe that every bad thing that happens opens the way to something better. I see positive outcomes every day that aren't related to bad things happening and sometimes bad things have bad outcomes. My students attend classes and eventually graduate which most people believe is a positive outcome but I don't think very many of them are motivated to do so because something bad happened in the past but instead because they are looking forward to something good happening in the future as a result of their actions.

And going back to the bird crapping on my head. I think most reasonable people would agree that is a bad thing. Maybe not when it happens to me, it might be kind of funny then, but it would be bad if it happened to them. And what is the positive outcome? This actually happened to D35 when she was little. To this day she gets nervous when birds are flying around. We know the literal reason this event occurred but where is the positive change that's supposed to occur? Is she better off now that she's more aware and anxious when birds fly overhead?

I like Mitzpah's point about being a Christian because I also identify myself as a Christian and I struggled for a long time with the question "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" and I've come up with some answers that I can live with. The most important of these is that we have been given free will. We are not zombies mindlessly doing whatever God tells us to do. We can make our own choices and those choices sometimes result in negative outcomes. God probably wouldn't want us to place our hand on a hot stove but we can choose to either do so or not. It's our choice just like we can choose to exceed the speed limit, shoplift, or abuse our children.

I also believe God has given us a moral code to live by so that we can have good lives but we are not obligated to follow it and a lot of people choose to ignore parts of it. And I believe that God does try to influence events and turn negatives into positives which is why most of us have a conscience and which is also why we often hear what HB refers to as God's Intuition or "the still, small, voice". And I also believe prayer can be helpful but that God works through people so our prayers might go unanswered if the people God is trying to work through choose to ignore "the still, small voice".

These are my beliefs. I would never try to force anyone else to embrace them but I find them helpful. If they make you uncomfortable or you believe something different, feel free to ignore what I've written.

I used to be embarrassingly optimistic and I believe at heart I still am but I think the outcomes from most MLCs are far more negative than positive and I find it difficult to believe that everyone in my family who has been impacted by this will find their life eventually becomes better than it was before. Different maybe but not better.

[Songanddance]

The below is an extract from Lee Baucom's latest blog which is emailed to me directly .. I hope it helps the newbies on here.

However the connecting and re-connecting he is talking about is keeping any level of contact bright and breezy and not any R discussions at all.  He is an excellent guide coupled with RCR's articles and you have a secure foundation on which to start your mirror work.




That one phrase starts the death spiral of SO many marriages, "I love you, but I'm NOT IN LOVE with you."  And every week, I hear the same stories in my Virtual Coaching Program.  It goes something like this:  "I knew we had some issues.  I thought they were normal/ thought we would work through them/ thought we would get on-track after (the kids left, the new job started, we moved to the new house, etc., etc., etc.).  But then my spouse told me, 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you.'  What does that mean?"

From there, the story is almost always about a spiral down.  Attempts were made to convince the spouse, argue the point of love, prove that just a few weeks/months before, they were happy and promised their love.  What happened?

First, the meaning of that phrase.  It indicates a certain level of disconnection.  The feelings of passion, of "in love" butterflies is gone, but care and concern are still there.  It also indicates a level of hurt, perhaps from the disconnection or from other actions/inactions.  And then there are the times it indicates there is another person that is getting that feeling.  And there are times when it actually indicates a physical issue (hormonal problems, depression, hypothyroidism). 

But the important thing is, this is NOT the same as a spouse saying, "I am done with this marriage."

Yesterday, I was out running my normal trail with my dog.  There are several parts to the trail that are easy, with a wide path, through a flat section of the woods.  At other times, I am running against a rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other side.  You may have thought your marriage was running on the flat part, on an easy path.  Your spouse is telling you, "we are running on the edge.  There is a drop-off nearby."

But your spouse is NOT saying, "we have fallen off the path, and are headed for the bottom."  Unless, of course, your response precipitates that.

You see, your next response is CRUCIAL.  Your spouse has just given you a gift of saying, "Things are NOT alright."

Here are the actions I often see:
1.   Panic.  You think the end has come, so you work to convince, argue, cajole, "use logic," plead, and basically try to harass your spouse into reconsidering.  That will fail.
2.   Turn on Romance.  This is where you try to reignite those feelings.  You turn on the charm, turn on the sex, try to get a date/weekend/gift/whatever, to get those feelings back.  That will fail.
3.   Out of hurt, you proclaim, "I don't love you, either!"  (You probably know that one will fail!)
4.   Threaten.  You let the other person know they have to change, this isn't YOUR problem.  If they don't change, there will be consequences.  (Yep, that one will fail, too.)
You have to deal with the disconnection and the hurt.  Work on reconnecting.  Work on healing the hurt.  Don't let your own hurt feelings cloud your judgement.


Hope this helps the newbies.....