Author Topic: Discussion Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing  (Read 18351 times)

Offline Ready2Transform

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Discussion Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2015, 09:38:49 AM »
I just want to throw this out there.

I've heard a few people comment on how the forum has changed over the years.  I've seen it too but wonder if it's because we are seeing more and more younger MLCer's out there now.

When I joined this forum maybe 4 years ago it seemed everyone...or most..were in their 40's and 50's.  Now we are seeing quite a few in their 30's.  Most were married, now we are seeing people who never married.

Maybe that is part of the change.   People in their 30's think very differently than people in their 50's (or in my case 60's).
Maybe they are not as apt to wait it out and stand.

Could very well be. I was 38 when I found the forum in 2012, and was one of the younger posters, I think.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline patience.of.a.saint

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2015, 10:02:06 AM »
I've been here two years and I would say in that amount of time, this forum has changed. I think it used to be more supportive of people figuring out what worked and what didn't work for themselves....and dare I say "analyzing" things that came along? I like reading other people's analyzation...sometimes you discover things about yourself that you never knew...which leads to mirror work.

Now, you can't post without someone telling you to "go NC, leave them alone and just concentrate on you". Yes, that is a valid response in some cases, but I have learned more about myself from analyzing what makes my MLCer tick than I ever would've if I had followed the current mantra of "go NC and live like they won't be back". There are things I don't even bother posting because I get tired of hearing "go NC" when I am not asking for advice. I am not looking for validation either. It used to be that the response was a question to cause the LBS to think about things differently, not a demand to listen to the "experts" because NC is the "only" way.

Pair the NC theme here with the divorce talk and yes, in my opinion, the vibe of HS is changing.

As for posting about the legal issues, I really think the best advice to give is to talk to a lawyer.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #32 on: November 06, 2015, 10:30:37 AM »
patience, I'm surely no advocate of NC, unless it is really necessary for your peace of mind.  Definitely not in the beginning.

In close to 5 years I have only gone NC for 2 weeks.  It was not working for me.  Although people told me to I knew it wasn't the best in my situation.  I listen to all advice given to me and I'm grateful for it because I know it comes from a place of caring but I also take everything with a grain of salt.

But having said that there have been times when I've read someone's thread and they just won't leave their spouse alone.  The MLCer is asking for space but their afraid to give it to them, and the situation just gets worse.

I have suggested NC in that type of situation.  Best to leave them alone so Monster doesn't get worse.
NC doesn't need to be forever.  I don't think that is a good idea for anyone.

I hope I never gave you advice about going NC when you were not asking for advice.  If I did I'm sorry.   ???
Now I have to reread your thread.  See if I slipped up.   :o
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Onward

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #33 on: November 06, 2015, 01:09:28 PM »
LP, thanks for expressing more clearly what's underneath my own thoughts.  The HS articles advocate mirror work, healing and growth, and the focus was/is on supporting for those who are seeking support "while dealing with MLC & infidelity when they don't want a divorce".

It's reasonably safe to assume most who come here, at least initially, have hope for renewal of a healthy marriage and seek support in how to get there over what can be a long time. The first crucial advise is to detach -- which differs from NC.

Not that one should deny the possibility, or be blind to the need to  prepare for the possibility of divorce action by the spouse.

It's reassuring to see what Thunder & POAS have said about NC. I've never understood how NC helps reestablish connection. Without reconnection (paving the way), I really don't know how a couple can find their way back to each other.

Yet, I've observed a real increase in the "go NC" messaging in the year or so I've been here. And the more I see 'go NC' on threads, the more I wonder if my efforts to reconnect are "wrong". I see very little on encouraging 'paving the way'. My own observation is that 'paving the way' is almost actively discouraged. (And that is an observation, not a criticism.)

RCR writes about "planting seeds" in one of the articles. What is planted is where attention goes. She also writes about where & when to go NC, and doesn't suggest it early. Yet, NC is a seed that's been planted. It's kind of become an 'invasive species'.

Invasive species can be part of a lovely garden - but a gardener does need to keep a vigilant eye on them  :D.




 

 
« Last Edit: November 06, 2015, 01:11:58 PM by Onward »
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Split open and melt

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #34 on: November 06, 2015, 01:47:38 PM »
Threads getting a bit derailed here but it's an interesting discussion...

As a mentor I will suggest No Contact or Dark Contact as a "tool" so to speak for helping facilitate detachment. To help end the abusive cycles of blame shifting, guilt tripping, monstering, etc that often come from the MLCer. For a new LBS it's very difficult for them not to react to that behavior in negetive ways, so I'll suggest that often it's best to say nothing at all vs trying to reason with or worse, fight back.

There is no rule book for mentors here, and we aren't professionals. We are just fellow LBSs who've made a commitment of time and energy to help newcomers to the site. We all advocate standing in most situations, otherwise we probly wouldn't still be active on this site. Although many of us have moved on in our own personal lives, myself included. We often collaborate and share ideas, but we don't always agree. People have different viewpoints that are largely based on their own personal experience.

I think we all do our best to try and evaluate each mentee's situation independently and make recommendations that will best serve their well being. It's not easy work and it's mostly thankless. I have acted as a mentor for 10 or so Men here and all have either ended up divorced pretty quickly, or just disappeared from the site altogether with no word or updates on their current status. That is always a little disappointing.

Based on what I've read over the years here, it seems Male and Female MLC stories share similarities but are often quite different, where the Female MLCer rushes straight into divorce leaving the Male LBS quickly and often trying to take his assets and parental custody rights with her. So when I see a new male show up on this board I try to help him stand but also accept that he is probly going to be divorced within 6 months and better have his act together regarding finances and his legal rights to custody. And helping them with that in any way I can, even just warning them or advising them to get ahead of it, is a top priority as a mentor.

Best,
Split
« Last Edit: November 06, 2015, 01:57:36 PM by Split open and melt »
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Offline patience.of.a.saint

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2015, 03:18:10 PM »
patience, I'm surely no advocate of NC, unless it is really necessary for your peace of mind.  Definitely not in the beginning.

In close to 5 years I have only gone NC for 2 weeks.  It was not working for me.  Although people told me to I knew it wasn't the best in my situation.  I listen to all advice given to me and I'm grateful for it because I know it comes from a place of caring but I also take everything with a grain of salt.

But having said that there have been times when I've read someone's thread and they just won't leave their spouse alone.  The MLCer is asking for space but their afraid to give it to them, and the situation just gets worse.

I have suggested NC in that type of situation.  Best to leave them alone so Monster doesn't get worse.
NC doesn't need to be forever.  I don't think that is a good idea for anyone.

I hope I never gave you advice about going NC when you were not asking for advice.  If I did I'm sorry.   ???
Now I have to reread your thread.  See if I slipped up.   :o

No worries, Thunder! I read more threads than I post on and that is the vibe I get across the board, not just my thread, and not just from moderators either. I too, will listen to advice and use what I think will work for me, but the NC theme is pretty strong some days, especially when someone has their own personal reasons for not doing it. Very rarely do we see advice that is along the lines of paving the way.

Offline OldPilotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2015, 03:43:15 PM »
Paving the way
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/self-focus/what-is-paving-the-way/

Quote from: RCR
Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority.

Offline stayed

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #37 on: November 06, 2015, 09:24:14 PM »
This is a financial checklist... after many years of watching LBS's suffer incredible financial loss, and emotional loss as well, we thought we should try to address this.  After a fairly healthy discussion with ALL THE MODERATORS, we decided that an OPEN DISCUSSION was the best method of delivering our concerns.

We have watched many LBSer's, both men and women, totally devastated when their MLCer filed for divorce.  Most of us LBS's truly do not expect our spouses to do that.  I know I certainly didn't.  I honestly thought he was having a "temporary mental breakdown" of sorts and that in a few months he would come to his senses.  When he didn't, I was STUNNED. 

Like most of my other fellow LBSer's I didn't protect myself financially.  I was afraid my h would somehow view this negatively and it might prevent him from ever returning.  Not to mention that I honestly thought "this thing" was temporary.  I was LUCKY!  My h did come out of his crisis, and he didn't try to cut me off from our finances.  Seriously though, from what I have seen in this forum and in others, I WAS LUCKY.  Most MLCer's squander our hard earned savings... spend it freely and lavishly on their new partner and totally forget about their family, children and all. 

Sadly it's not just the finances.  Most of us LBS\s are so convinced that we "know" our spouses so well, that they would never divorce us.  When they do, many of us are so shocked, we are barely able to cope. Many have to find jobs, some taking on up to 3 jobs in order to make ends meet, plus raise their children.  Many are getting no child support although it has often been court ruled.  care being supported by their "retired" parents.  In the mean time, the MLC parent is taking exotic vacations, buying expensive toys, cars and houses. 

NOBODY is telling anybody to NOT STAND.  In fact, we are saying the exact OPPOSITE.  We are saying STAND but protect yourself.  Financially and emotionally. 

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Offline calamity

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #38 on: November 07, 2015, 06:05:11 AM »
Quote
NOBODY is telling anybody to NOT STAND.  In fact, we are saying the exact OPPOSITE.  We are saying STAND but protect yourself.  Financially and emotionally.

Yes.  It never fails to amaze me that, after finding out the spouse is a cheater & a liar an lbs can convince him/herself that their spouse wouldn't cheat them financially.

But yes, get legal advice.  It may not be necessary to take any action but you have to know your rights.
 

Offline UKStander

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Re: Financial Checklist and Legal ramifications of Standing
« Reply #39 on: November 07, 2015, 07:40:11 AM »
My husband is still contributing to most of the things he always did but he is using credit cards (in his name only). Do any of you know if I would be responsible for this debt if he lost his job or died or something?
Thanks
X

Hi Hmmm

I haven't really got time to read this whole thread, so this may already have been answered, but just thought I'd say the lawyer in UK who I spoke with for one hour yesterday said categorically that I would not be responsible for any debt that H ran up personally. Not at all. Only debt over shared contracts - ie if he stopped paying the mortgage, I'd be responsible for any arrears and future payments.

BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

 

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