[StandandDeliver]

So you've been Standing for 2, maybe 3, years. You have been to hell, you have recovered some equilibrium. You have watched your MLCer go through hell, treat you badly, neglect your children, but you survive. He/she is finally emerging from the dark and is repentant and wants you back. And suddenly you have an epiphany. You don't want them back in your life after all this time...

Does that happen? Do you know someone it happened to? Do you think it could happen to you?
Would you feel like you had wasted your life if it did? Or would you think, "well at least I know myself a lot better now and I have confronted my own demons?"

[Rebel Yell]

I think it's very possible to most of us here. When we get to the point when it doesn't matter
if they come back, that's the point where we know we have the strength we've been needing all along.
Co Dependent no more! I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it everyday with Gods help.

[trusting]

TYFT - I  have been standing almost 2 years now.  I have gotten to the point where I know I will be fine without him (or with him).  I honestly wouldn't "choose" to be with the person he is right now (and certainly NOT the person he has been through the MLC).  At this point, I don't see myself NOT taking him back for many reasons (my beliefs, my belief in the sanctity of the vows, etc.), but mainly because I believe in redemption and restoration. 

Who knows, this could change in the future but that is where I am now.

[HeartsBlessing]

So you've been Standing for 2, maybe 3, years. You have been to hell, you have recovered some equilibrium. You have watched your MLCer go through hell, treat you badly, neglect your children, but you survive. He/she is finally emerging from the dark and is repentant and wants you back. And suddenly you have an epiphany. You don't want them back in your life after all this time...

Does that happen? Do you know someone it happened to? Do you think it could happen to you?
Would you feel like you had wasted your life if it did? Or would you think, "well at least I know myself a lot better now and I have confronted my own demons?"

It's but one of several possibilities that can happen in this...and I know I've said this before, but  I reached a point AFTER I saw my husband for he really was and had been....and I struggled with the feeling that I didn't want him anymore...I felt I would do better on my own than to hang on.

This was where the Lord came and in counseled me; letting me know that it was better to keep what I had, than to try and "start over" with someone else; and I hadn't even gotten through his crisis completely, my changes weren't entirely complete, and if I cut and run away, and married another in time, I WOULD go through this again.

I remember asking what would happen if my husband decided to walk away completely; I was told that was a different story, but I would STILL have to complete every one of my changes; or, it would be the same outcome, should I remarry later on.

For a time I felt I had wasted my time on a man who didn't seem to get any better; only worse..then I was reminded of my own vows, the day I married him...I had married for life; for better OR for worse; and the crisis was the WORST event of our lives...his broken ankle didn't even come close to comparing with what happened during his crisis.

I know my husband started changing for the better not long after the Lord spoke to me about my feelings; and this was where I had to continue to let go and let God work within my husband and situation. 

The "repentance" you would be looking for would, at first come in the form of them feeling sorry for themselves...and though they see what they did, and say they are sorry....you both would still have a LONG way to go before the end of the tunnel is reached...I'm speaking from experience...it won't look like you would think it would look, I can tell you.

I could have KILLED him when he said he was sorry, asked for forgiveness; and then tried to bypass my feelings in the matter....I came down on him HARDER than I ever had in all the years we were married; and let him know that I wasn't the one who started this crap, HE was; and he was GOING to help me....he caved; but not before trying to tell me that I didn't understand what HE had been through..to which I reminded him that I was NOT the one who ran away.

In time, he became attractive to me again..and it seemed to me, in hindsight; that God was putting "carrots" in front of my nose to keep me with my husband..as I would see "glimpses" of what he would become once he was completely through...and that kind of an ending was enough to help me to stand.

I had to make up my mind that my HUSBAND would be the on to end the marriage, not me...and I stayed firm on that decision...I KNEW what he would become if/when he got out of the crisis; it was getting there that was aggravating me to death, too.

I knew several on the other board that reached that point; and as a result their MLC spouses went through the SAME thing they had put their LBS' through in the beginning of their crisis.


The crisis, if viewed in a positive aspect, is an OPPORTUNITY for you to get to know yourself; and grow in a way you'd never considered.

Listen; the grass is NOT greener on the other side; if your MLC spouse is not physically abusive; try to wait them out...along the way, take your journey to wholeness and healing within.  It IS during that journey when you will struggle with feelings of alienation; and get to a point in your heart where you wonder WHY you are standing; and even IF you would want them to return to you...this is a normal aspect of the journey....a crossroads will spring up at that time; and a decision stands before you....choose wisely; as we can all jump OUT of the frying pan and into the fire in regards to seeking out someone else that we THINK would be better for us...we may find that what we end up with is WORSE than what we had.


I cannot, in good faith, advocate leaving the MLC spouse; or throwing them out, but if they leave on their own, that is a different story...but there is NOTHING, whatsoever you can do about where they are; or even influence how they are; considering they are deep within the tunnel.

One more note: I posted on my thread that my husband has finished up his secondary crisis...I'll need to get my thoughts together to post a recap of some sort; but the point is, from start to finish; I waited over 11 years for him..but I didn't stand still while waiting; I made my changes that were necessary within me, I lived my life for myself, I went through a 6 year Mid Life Transition that was triggered by his crisis; during THAT time, I had gall bladder surgery, and nearly died.

All the while, my belief and faith in the Lord didn't waver; I KNEW He didn't lie; and I KNEW that barring extraordinary circumstances, He would keep His promise to me for a restored marriage...and it has happened; is in that process for now.

Never discount the power of the Lord in your life and marriage; God has created all things; and He knows what is best for each individual going through this hard time in your lives.

Above all, take care of yourselves and your children...if you don't no one else will; and God truly does help those who help themselves.

Have a good one.

[StandandDeliver]

Really interesting to hear your responses. HB, you said that you would never advocate throwing an MLC spouse out, and while I did not do that, I did tell him we would need to separate and by that point he did not fight it very hard. The whole thing had been such a rollercoaster at that point that although I knew he was having a crisis of some sort (and had brought up MLC with him) he was adamant that it was not a MLC. At the time, I was such a wreck and he looked me in the eyes and said the "love you, not sure I'm in love" thing - along with all of the other crap I had listened to for the month he stayed - I didn't think I could take it anymore, so I told him we should separate. I thought he would take the time to assess himself, in fact MIL expressly asked him to spend some time alone working things out. He said he would (lied to his M) and went STRAIGHT back to the OW who was "cross" for a day that he had dumped her and then had him back.

Do you think it was wrong to initiate a separation? I feel like he would have left anyway. I was doing all the wrong things - pursuing, asking "why" multiple times, sobbing all over the place, phoning at work to see if he had spoken to her and from what I have now read, I was, in all likelihood, distancing him further. Wish I had found this site back in Oct when I first found out!

[HeartsBlessing]

Do you think it was wrong to initiate a separation? I feel like he would have left anyway. I was doing all the wrong things - pursuing, asking "why" multiple times, sobbing all over the place, phoning at work to see if he had spoken to her and from what I have now read, I was, in all likelihood, distancing him further. Wish I had found this site back in Oct when I first found out!

There are mixed opinions, here, and elsewhere; and it really depends on the MLC'er; and how they are..most that are thrown out; may NOT come back...and I say most, because some do come back; some have NO pride; and they must lay that aside; before they will consider coming back.

It is always better if they leave on their own; because then THEY made that decision; therefore must bear the responsibility.  If you ask them to leave, then YOU bear the responsibility for that decision, and it can add to their justification; as they can and will feel rejected by you.

It definitely CAN lessen the possibility of them coming back...but that is all out of your hands, now.

I know from experience there were things I learned that I would NOT have learned, had I thrown him out...yet, he got his space through his job, too...so, I do know they need their space in order to sort themselves out.

Don't beat yourself to pieces for your mistakes; some people, like me did some of the SAME pursuing behaviors before I learned better.

As each person is different, each crisis is different..yet, the Lord told me long ago to NEVER advise throwing a MLC'er out; that there were other ways of dealing with them.

I made the mistake ONE time of advising someone to throw out their MLC'er; the Lord came down HARD on me, and I had to retract what I said...so I'm not making that mistake again.

Like I said, through my own experience; you CAN deal with emotionally abusive people by setting boundaries on their behavior...that was how I learned to deal with my husband..and he was emotionally abusive toward me during that time.

Physical abuse is another story; it shows lack of self control...and you need to get away from that.

But words are just that, words and actions...until you learn they are only hurting themselves in their words and actions it continues to get to you; until you learn to detach; and not take anything they do/say personally.

My husband was horrible to me during his crisis; and even during his extended crisis....and I learned so many things during that time.

When he did or said things to me; it was all about him; and had nothing to do with me...and until I learned this fact; everything he did/said cut and hurt me deeply.

I don't know how many times I wanted to tell him to be gone, just leave; but the Lord was holding me from doing that, if I had, he would have NOT come back at all..his pride would have stood in his way...and I knew this, as I knew him well...better, than he knew himself.

You KNOW your MLC spouse better than anyone; even though the crisis is 'overlaid" across their personality; you KNOW how they are; and have a working idea of what they would do in response or reaction to something you say, or do.

Hopefully, this will help. 

[CrazyStuff]

Too Young
I actually threw my husband out - with our neighbours pretending not to notice - although since then he seems to have forgotten this and he now says he left me. In a way he did as he was going to leave anyway.  It was just a question of time.       If you look on my thread in the Subscriber area, actually called 'I threw him out, does this mean there is no hope', you will find some very good advice from RCR who told me to deal with the situation as it is now and that there is always Hope.

It took a little while and I needed ADs for the first 2 weeks; however, since then I have been able to focus on myself and my children.      What I have learnt here is that it is important for us to grow strong both for ourselves and for our MLCers.    Stayed posted something today that really made sense to me after 8 months with this.  She said that we need to be strong before our MLCers start making progress (or something like that).   Have a read of this as well.

You cannot change what happened in the past; however, with the information you find on here and the great support you will learn how not to make this situation worse for yourself or your MLCer. 

So, don't worry about asking him to leave, lots of us have done it.    And my neighbours have been great!

My h. ran away to OW, now lives with her and is deep in MLC fog; however, it is now him who contacts me.    As for me, I am still focused on me as there is much to do in our own journeys to wholeness and healing. 

Take care,

[StandandDeliver]

Thank you HB and CS. I agree HB, telling him we needed to separate does introduce the issue of pride and how much he would need to swallow it in order to come back. Having said that, since the separation, like CS's H he has implied that the decision to leave was entirely his (this would probably suit any story he told the OW as well). I have not corrected him at any point and have on a couple of occasions referred to it as the day he walked out on us and he has not corrected me either. So maybe, in his mind, he believes he did make the decision? Like CS's H I think he was going to leave anyway as my behaviour was so needy and clingy, sad and angry...

I had a weird incident with my S tonight when he was in the bath. He asked, "do we stand on God?" and I said, "what do you mean?" and he said "well if God is everywhere, then do we stand on. him?"

Given that I am trying to decide whether to stand or not and I asked God for a sign today to guide me, do you think I am reading too much into a little boys question about God and standing? (We are not regular church-goers and so he does not frequently ask questions
 about God)
FYI - if you're interested, my response was "you are right, God is everywhere, but I like to think that he holds us up, rather than we stand on him"

[trusting]

TYFT - out of the mouth of babes.   I believe God can give us signs in many ways.  That was an interesting comment by your son.

[LettingGo]

TYFT, my two cents worth here....

What is the point of divorcing? What would you gain? I'm not advocating against it, but those are two questions you have to ask yourself to even get started on whether you"should" stand or not.

How would you feel if NO ONE around you, not your best friend, not acquaintances, not family had the opinion that you "should" do "something"? How much does the message we get from our society to "not let anyone treat you like that" influence how you feel? Would you feel differently, for instance, if several women called on you to share that their husband's had gone through the same thing... that it was like menopause?

If your husband were mentally ill, others would be glad they weren't married to him, but they wouldn't tell you to leave him... at least not to your face. You might hear things such as "I couldn't do what you're doing..." which is usually a passive aggressive way to say you are doing something they disagree with.

RCR has addressed the very idea of whether to make a decision about standing in her latest newsletter. Divorcing will not make the pain go away. It will not bring closure or understanding to this craziness, because it's CRAZY!!, it will still devastate your kids. When you fall in love with someone new, you'll have to share custody with his kids, your kids, both exes, child support, alimony... talk about complicated!! For the rest of your life, you will see your husband at birthdays, graduations, family funerals (even his family) holidays, school functions and sports events. When your kids have kids, they will have to split their vacation time and money between your and your husband's residences and one of you won't be seeing the grandkids as much.

So when I say to ask yourself, what will you gain, it is a valid question. I'm not advocating that people should always stay married, but the reality is, it takes TWO YEARS for divorced people to get over their hurt and pain, even when the D is mutual... just because many "fall in love" and remarry before that timeline doesn't mean it's healthy! And you do know that second marriages have even MORE chance of failure, probably because of all of the above pressures....

Your kids are already devastated, you're already miserable and grieving, etc. so what is the point? The damage has been done. You will have to heal from being cheated on ANYWAY, and now you know that ANY man is capable of cheating on you given the right circumstances, so? Many times I've said that if a divorce would have ended this pain and misery, I would have gotten one and saved myself, but since it won't, I stand to come out better in the long run at least in my opinion.