[DianaDeBelflor]

You just don't do it..no need to address it.

Easier said than done. I gave my word.

[in it]

How many times has he kept his word?  How many times has he lied?
Do whatever you want to do but if you are trying to detach and give yourself some peace and gain some self respect you cannot keep dealing with him.

I understand integrity and I admire that you have some and your word means something. You may be wasting it on someone who has none.

All you are doing  by doing anything for him is sending the message "Gee its ok if you put your hands on me in anger. Here's a reward for that."

He knows he can treat you badly and you will put up with it. So he will continue to do that, treat you badly.

You are rewarding bad behavior.

[DianaDeBelflor]

How many times has he kept his word?  How many times has he lied?

Many. On the day he asked for a divorce, he promised to go to marriage counseling again. He took that promise back within the next 10 minutes.

But I'm not proud of myself either. I do, however, keep my word.

Do whatever you want to do but if you are trying to detach and give yourself some peace and gain some self respect you cannot keep dealing with him.

I understand integrity and I admire that you have some and your word means something. You may be wasting it on someone who has none.

Oh, by now I know that. But values matter when the chips are down. My word matters to me. His may be worth less than nothing, but that is not my problem. So, I've been thinking of ways to get out of it without getting out of it. I think I'll tell him to contact me if he wants to hear about what's going on or if he needs me to send him something. That way I'll be giving him that "space" he asked for. 

Since I don't actually expect him to contact me - problem solved!

All you are doing  by doing anything for him is sending the message "Gee its ok if you put your hands on me in anger. Here's a reward for that."

He knows he can treat you badly and you will put up with it. So he will continue to do that, treat you badly.

You are rewarding bad behavior.

Yes, yes I am. I've spent years making sure he is okay... it's a tough habit to break.

But I hope that seeing the divorce paperwork will dissuade him of some of that.

[Thunder]

You know Diana, you can say nothing and see how you feel after he's gone.  There is no rush to make that decision now.
You may decide you no longer want to send him things.  That's not really breaking your word, it's changing your mind.
Everyone has a right to change their mind.

If you don't send him anything, he'll get the picture.  You have 9 months to let him get used to not receiving anything from you.

This is your decision to make.  He really has no say in this, and personally, I would feel he has done nothing to make you feel guilty about if you change our mind.

[DianaDeBelflor]

You know Diana, you can say nothing and see how you feel after he's gone.  There is no rush to make that decision now.
You may decide you no longer want to send him things.  That's not really breaking your word, it's changing your mind.
Everyone has a right to change their mind.

If you don't send him anything, he'll get the picture.  You have 9 months to let him get used to not receiving anything from you.

This is your decision to make.  He really has no say in this, and personally, I would feel he has done nothing to make you feel guilty about if you change our mind.

And this is why I love everyone here. You seem to have a happy knack for keeping my head out of my ass. I was not raised to be a mean girl. I know how to show teeth in theory. In practice, I get cold feet. I get scared of hurting people too much. I get hung up on the promises I made.

I'm not proud of myself and how I've acted in the past month, but you are right--he has done nothing to make me feel guilty about having a change of heart. Today was yet another day when he reminded me that he makes most of the money and that the money is his and his alone. He's also on the whole "this is my house and I don't care what the law says" kick again.

I have always questioned his promise to help me get through law school and I am really doubting it now. He brings money up every day now and usually it is unprompted.

And yet I do want to leave him the option to ask. Because if he does, I will know that no one sent him a damn thing. And that knowledge will warm my cynical little heart.

[in it]

I came to realize at the end of all this?
All it has been about is money.
So make sure if and when something happens you have a way to either protect yourself, provide for yourself, or take him for what you can get from him. Because its all they care about.
Just being a realist here.

[in it]

Found online Psychology Today:
         
4 Reasons to Stay Out of Contact With Your Ex

 You can't keep bouncing between fantasy and disappointment.
The sting of a breakup or divorce is painful and disorienting. Adrenaline courses through the body and the mind races. The suffering party thinks, “This can’t be happening.” And with that thought paramount, the individual seeks corrective action—talking it out with the ex, identifying the fix that will save the relationship, or in some way buying time through compromise, temporizing, papering over: Whatever it takes.

And yet the single best way to accelerate the healing process after a breakup or divorce is this: Stop contact with the ex.

If you are trying to recover from the end of a relationship, this advice may be difficult to accept. Your mind may already be working overtime to rationalize why it's OK for you to stay in direct contact. You may say that you have to give your ex-partner their stuff back. Or that you think it is best to keep living together, for a while at least. You may say that you have to check in on your ex’s family members. Perhaps there is a birthday coming up, or some other event. And what harm can it do to see what the ex is up to on social media? You assure yourself that you can break up and still stay friends.

In reality, the only legitimate reason for contact not to be avoided is if you have children and must communicate about co-parenting responsibilities—and even in that case, you should maintain boundaries by limiting conversation to matters pertaining to the children. Otherwise, continuing, or attempting to continue, communication with your ex will only prolong your suffering—and prevent you from beginning a productive process of letting go.

Here are four more reasons to stop contact with an ex:

1. You can't heal.

Ending a relationship is difficult, but the painful feelings are not permanent. You will feel sad, you will feel angry, you will feel a sense of shock that your life has taken this turn. As I describe in Breaking Up and Divorce: 5 Steps, these feelings are normal, and they're part of the recovery process. Eventually, if you allow it, a kind of acceptance will come into your life. However, if you persist in contacting or attempting to contact your ex, you are working against the recovery process and in favor of a self-defeating strategy of denial. This may buffer the blow but it cures nothing. It just allows you to put off fully accepting difficult feelings and your new circumstances. Confronting the difficult feelings and accepting the fact that your ex is no longer there means you are now on the path to healing. There is comfort in this and as you persist your world will grow brighter.

2. You can't let new energy in.

Even if you are not consciously aware of it, if you are still in contact with your ex, you are continuing to devote energy over to that relationship, which can no longer be what you need and want. Each time you talk to your ex, work to make contact, or think about when you will next be in contact, you siphon off the energy needed to pursue new life experiences.

3. You live off fantasy.

If your relationship has ended, then it's over: What you had with your ex no longer exists. It will never be the same. Continuing the connection means that a part of you is still hoping that in some alternate universe there is a chance you and your ex can be together and be happy. As a result, you live off moments of closeness. But each time you come in touch, you are reminded that you no longer have your ex and you face crushing disappointment all over again. This roller coaster gets in the way of real life and its actual opportunities for happiness.

4. You relive your mistakes.

Part of what is so hard about managing relationship endings is that the injured party tends to blame himself or herself. In some ways, a relationship ending should be an opportunity for personal growth. However, it is a mistake to remain, or attempt to remain, in contact with an ex in the hope of achieving a chance to do things over.

Like a character in Groundhog Day, you'll wake up with the same fears and upsets about yourself as you did the day before. This is because maintaining contact keeps you stuck in limbo: You can’t be with your ex but you can’t move on. Once you let go—completely—you gain the freedom to live, mostly unencumbered by the regrets and hurts of yesterday.

[Treasur]

Diana, like you I have a strong value about 'keeping my word'.
However, only an idiot fails to review and change their mind to adapt to fast-changing or uncertain events.
Wise advice to let it be...see what happens/how you feel later...and that you should do what is best for you.

[in it]

However, only an idiot fails to review and change their mind to adapt to fast-changing or uncertain events.

 

[DianaDeBelflor]

I came to realize at the end of all this?
All it has been about is money.
So make sure if and when something happens you have a way to either protect yourself, provide for yourself, or take him for what you can get from him. Because its all they care about.
Just being a realist here.

You know, if he hadn't found that woman and told me to stay out of my own home while he brought her down, I would have lived with my in-laws for a year, used every penny of his income and my student loans to pay down joint debt, would have never gone out to see a lawyer, and would not have asked for a penny after we signed the papers.

That was a wake-up call, and judging by his attitude since I came back, a timely one. Since coming back, I heard that I own nothing in that home, that he pays for everything and he doesn't care what the law says - it is not my home anymore, and that he hates the idea of me using his money for anything other than loan payments and other joint bills because why should his money be spent on "other people." Oh, and since he kept a roof over our heads for 7 years, he did not have to do anything else for me or our marriage.

So now I'm going to make sure I get every penny that he owes me by law. After that beating, you can add his separate retirement savings account to the list of things I expect. He can sign it over to me quietly or I can sue him for intentional tort. I think he'll pick the former.

Diana, like you I have a strong value about 'keeping my word'.
However, only an idiot fails to review and change their mind to adapt to fast-changing or uncertain events.
Wise advice to let it be...see what happens/how you feel later...and that you should do what is best for you.

Ouchie! I deserved that! 

I guess, I'm just trying to keep as much of myself as I can through all of this. Maybe I should use how I treat people other than my husband as a measure of how good a person I am... he may not be the best yardstick at this point.