[em5731]

Good post.

This is basically what I have been doing. No drama. I do no respond to anything unless it's about my daughter and it's right to the point. It's been 3 years of doing this, and I'm doing great. If he ever wants to reconcile he would have to do all the work.

[in it]

Good for you Reb2817... How did you realize that was the way you needed to be?

I have a friend who told me the phrase " No audience no behavior" (No drama)

I hope everyone reads it too T

Hard to tell how many are ready to read about no contact. But in most of these cases its the only way you are going to grieve the loss, save your sanity, detach ( using anger if necessary) gain some sense of peace and balance, be able to think straight focus on healing. Arrive at acceptance. Then rebuild yourself and your life.

You can NOT continue to allow them distract you from what you are feeling  or going through and focus on them. What you allow continues.

[em5731]

I just knew I couldn't handle being in his life. It was to hard on me. And then I realized I'm to good for him. If I met him now, I would have no interest in him. Every time I cycle and miss what he was I make my self remember what he did to me and my daughter. Makes it very easy to stay away. He is back to no eye contact. Now I look him right in the eye. I have nothing to be ashamed of. By the time he gets his self together, I will have probably moved on. I'm not waiting for him

[in it]

Yeah I kinda get what you are saying.  All of it was very hard on me( and my oldest daughter)  too and I really should have thrown the boundaries up immediately. My problem was I thought it was an MLC and it wasn't. He was simply abusive and since I was somewhat used to dealing with that and the drama and chaos that comes along with it I continued too try to remain in contact and shouldn't have.

Once I realized I deserved to be treated better that was the end of it..took a lot for me to get there.

And that's what I've either heard or read online. Also there a difference between women and men in this usually. Sometimes if women just go on with their life ( I don't mean to sound flip) men may return. It will then be the woman who has moved on and could not be less interested in that relationship with that history.

 A woman however once she's done that's pretty much it.

You've done a good job of your focus Reb2817. When you focus on what they have done instead of the person they used to be? That part has so much pain and heartache tied up in it.

 The person they turned into, this person who inflicted this pain and had zero respect for what anyone else was going through.,(in my case seemed to actually enjoy inflicting the pain) sort of wipes out anything else..so much negative makes it difficult to find any positive.

But at the very least you are being realistic and not romanticizing the relationship. You aren't making excuses or enabling. You aren't letting him off the hook for him having an MLC.

 Well done Reb2817!!

[Shining Star]

The information really resonated with me.  After 7 months of NC, I have had thoughts that "maybe" we could engage in a conversation.  BUT, then I remember all the ugly things he did and said to leave me for another woman.  The last time we spoke, I told him that I wasn't willing to accept breadcrumbs, and he needed to not contact me again.  I heard through the kids that he says things like " LBS doesn't want to be my friend."  That shows that he has no empathy for me.  He thinks I am punishing him for cheating and leaving.  He did send one text in the past few months about a financial matter.  In it, he asked how I was and said that he wanted to see me, and would "wait forever," for me.  I responded in a business matter, and ignored the personal message.  Nothing since then.  I miss him, but contact would only set my healing behind, so I choose to remain silent.

[in it]

Good for you Shining Star!!!

 You are so very smart and very strong!

I am sorry but I find it quite comical after what they have done, and all the pain and hurt they have caused they would think we would want be their friend.

I mean really, what planet are they living on? And that's the whole thing. YOUR emotional healing would be setback having any interaction with him. They are an EX for a reason.

You are doing a wonderful job of protecting yourself!

[Shining Star]

Hey In:  thanks for the encouragement.  I think we are all doing an amazing job in our own way.  They want to be our friend to make themselves feel better - it is not about us, which is why I am not interested.  Maybe one day, if there is a shift, and he starts to acknowledge the cruelty and destruction he caused to someone he says he still loves - not my definition of love.

[in it]

Exactly Whatever that was? It wasn't love.
Even if the whole relationship you thought it was "perfect".Whatever that was at the end was cruel, brutal, and heartless..
And anyone who thinks that was love  (or is)  seriously needs to take a good hard look at themselves and figure out why they think they deserved to be spoke to and treated like that.

[in it]

Bump

[Treasur]

i have no idea if my xh ever loved me at all or if i was just useful
but i do know for sure that love or even respect doesn't look like this
and i would never treat anyone, even a stranger, with such brutal contempt or anger