[in it]

Bump

[Watcher]

It is super scary to admit but what happens when NC just becomes 2nd nature. I can honestly say that I don't miss her. I don't want to be around her. I'm not giving up on her but I just no longer want to put up with her abusive behavior towards me. Tomorrow I will be 125 days NC.

I have no intention on breaking it because I don't believe that she has done anything to change for the better. It really is scary how detached I have become. I really don't know if I could be anymore detached. I do have to credit the NC. I really believe that I have no choice. I don't want to be abused. It's a basic request to be treated humanely.

It's so simple. I just want an equal partnership with respect, and yet it's so elusive. I think I'm going to be NC for quite sometime. I know she will break it eventually but there are no easy answers to fix our mess. I just went over the thread again because it does contain valuable information. Yes, a healthy marriage would be nice. A healthy relationship would be nice. I believe my days of settling are past me.

[em5731]

I feel the same way watcher. I'm so detached I wonder if I could ever go back to speaking to him. It's been 18 months of no contact. He picks up my daughter and I just send her out. He has tried to make small talk by text. But the games are always there and I deserve so much more. No contact has helped me so much. By the time he gets his crap together I probably won't be here.

[in it]

I know its not a popular mindset or endorsed here.Sometimes its the only resort when a spouse or an ex is being abusive or when you really need some peace and quiet time to reflect back on the relationship and do your mirror work.
Eliminate any drama and as much negativity as possible.

A few of us have spouses who don't monster but their effect on us with the confusion can still be painful.No contact protects us..not punishes them.

The games arent fun and sometimes the only way to "win" your sanity and self respect back is not to play.

[Velika]

I agree. I am no contact for about 14 months now. (Almost two years post bomb drop.) My heart still thumps when I see my former H name with a text message or when I hear his voice -- in fear I mean. The abuse was this traumatic.

I don't think that no contact has influenced him but it has given me some space and power over how I respond when he contacts me.

However, I feel the true "no contact" will be when I work through the issues there are keeping me still attached to this situation, and this includes being able to have a relationship with our son where I am not "triggered" and the autonomy to not be connected to the situation in a way where I have to fear repercussions of angering my former H.

I would love to hear others' success stories of going fully EMOTIONALLY, ENERGENTICALLY "no contact" with their exes. This is especially tricky, I know, in cases where we are coparenting/parallel parenting.

[in it]

V I'm sorry you are experiancing such fear when dealing with him.

I'm not sure how old your child is.Have you read anything about how to coparent with a narcissist?
Hes still controlling you to an extent if you fear angering him.

I'm glad no contact has given you back your power to respond and not react.

[spock]

I have been trying to apply NC & go dim since earlier this year, safe to say that it does help with mirror work and detaching. I still cycle and cry at least every week, I think of him often and miss my old life every single day. But life goes on for me, forcing myself to GAL and I cannot wait for him to come back / wake up if ever. He doesn't monster but his excessive use of social media, posting photos of him being all happy does hurt me a lot. It's been 1 year since BD and me moving out.

I've only initiated contact probably three times since then (his dad passed away, sent him a link & he hurt his leg), otherwise I do not text first. He texts me once a week at least and it does get a bit confusing, it shows that I was on his mind somehow - I always respond to his messages though. I know I still have a long way to go...

[Thunder]

I'm just wondering if extended NC can ever back fire.  Maybe backfire isn't the right word.
Maybe have same effect on the MLCer.

I understand you do it for yourself not as a punishment, that makes perfect sense, but what if instead of them having the space and time to do their inner work they detach too.  Not the normal MLC detachment but real, normal, healthy detachment..like the kind Watcher was talking about.

Do they their inner work while GAL themselves as they go along and decide they no longer want the marriage or care about it.
Could this detachment make it possible they don't miss or want the spouse too?
Like out of sight out of mind type thing.  Don't they detach too, after so much time?

By extended NC, I'm talking about how some people do it for a few years.

Hope I'm making sense.   Hard to explain what I mean.  I suppose in that case the couple maybe shouldn't really be together.  I don't know, just thinky this morning.   

I guess I'd like to hear stories where the NC was the best thing and eventually brought the couple back together, both healed or in the process of healing.

[em5731]

I had thought about that thunder, maybe he will never even want to come back. But it's a chance I had to take. We had a great marriage for 28 years. Hopefully he will remember that but I now have my sanity back. I was to involved with this at the beginning and it was consuming my everyday life. I still think about it but I have become a better person for my daughter. After 18 months I still miss him and wish things were different. With everything that I have read says if he really wants to reconcile he will make an effort. If not then I will be ok

[in it]

Well T in my case I couldn't be any less interested in having any kind of relationship with the ex so it can't backfire.

I can only pray it's out of sight out of mind.

For others I still think some period of no contact is healing. Especially when blatant disrespect has been shown.

You cannot force anyone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.