[in it]

I don't look at it as punishment towards the other..I look at it as protecting yourself while you heal from the vile disgusting things they say and any monster along with verbal abuse. The shock of BD's, discovering the infidelity, all the projection they spew at you. It also keeps you out of the drama.
You need to take care of you and do not concern yourself with them.

In my case (which is extreme) I will not be talking to the ex again- ever.I had to recover from a physical assault that resulted in a visit to the emergency room for x-rays..
No contact helps you heal.

Only you can decide if contact is made again if you are strong enough to deal with them. Also have created firm boundaries about what kind of treatment (including how they speak to you) you will not put up with and then MAYBE have some kind of decent respectful relationship with them.

I say this next part cautiously. Do not count on them coming back. On here they say live "as if" they will not return.

[in it]

For the few of us who do not have a monster or a verbal abuser.
Contact can also serve to reel you back in emotionally. Playing on your sympathy and compassion. A touch and go that is positive can give you false hope and keep you right where they left you emotionally.

You need time to heal.

[Shocked]

Attaching to hear more. I initially when no contact. He then "enjoyed" be able to vanish easily. It was probably the right thing for me. It's moved me towards healing and breaking my codependency on him. I still have a long way tonight!

[in it]

Found Online:

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The No Contact Rule is simplicity itself: it merely means not having any communication with your former romantic partner, for a specified period of time.


Read the entire article here: https://pairedlife.com/breakups/no-contact-rule-after-breakup

RCR Note: Please be considerate of copyright and do not paste entire articles from other sources. I feel it is important that we look outside of my own articles and the forum, but writers need credit for their work and you need to be respectful of this. Post an excerpt and then a link. I received an official notice regarding this particular article which is why my comment is here and not on others--as I am not able to go around looking for articles that should not be pasted in full.

[Songanddance]

Excellent article Init.
However those LBsers with clingers who have children are not advised to have no contact as that is unfair on the children unless of course the MLCer is abusive.

Reminder too that RCR does not advise no contact in the early stages of the crisis unless the MLCer has been abusive or becomes so or creates genuine trouble in which case it may become a legal issue.

NC is more for the latter stages especially when the MLCer wishes to return to the marriage but still has OW/OM and cannot or rather will not break from them.  It is effective in cake eating situations from time to time but yet again difficult to manage where children are involved. 

NC should also be time deadlined too

[in it]

Thanks SandD I thought it was quite good.

Yes it should have a deadline. How someone might come up with that I don't have a clue.

And to be honest- fairness to the kids would be that an MLCer didn't think about themselves and be so self centered and selfish that they decided that a divorce would make them happy and blow up the family and/or involve a third party , cause all this pain, and drama, and want to blame everybody and everything else for it.

A mother and father talking while one of them is either shacking up with an ow or om or outright committing infidelity IMHO is hardly a trade off for an intact family.

[Songanddance]

fairness to the kids would be that an MLCer didn't think about themselves and be so self centered and selfish that they decided that a divorce would make them happy and blow up the family and/or involve a third party

Totally agree in principle but very difficult to manage and if the spouse with small children is NC then the MLCer could throw that back at them when talking custody etc... damned if you and damned if you don't syndrome.

This is why RCR recommends dim or dark.  I alternated both with my MLCer in the early days and still go dim quite often.  It helps give both of space as he is reconnecting.

[in it]

Yes and I agree if there is small children you may have to deal with them.

In my situation things are totally different.

Maybe a thread should be started about LC or dim or dark and how to handle that. This NC thread are for those who are looking for a way to heal who have little complications involved.

[gman242]

This is borne out by research undertaken by the University of South Florida

Nice! Glad to see they're contributing to the world of pop psy. 

I just have a bone to pick with them.. they're money hungry and grasping at whatever hand outs and grants the state will give them. I was not a happy camper there..

But that was a very useful post, regardless, I did enjoy reading it.

[Thunder]

To me, NC with small children should only be done if the MLCer is either ignoring the children or is Monstering at them, like Chriss's H.  Then it is to protect the kids.

If the MLCer is still trying to parent, and spend time with their kids (which isn't that often), then NC would only hurt the kids.
Even if the spouse can't get along with them the children should have a chance to have both parents in their life.  Even divorced parents can still parent.

So I think it all depends on how the MLCer is acting towards the kids.  Do they want to be involved or not?
Are they treating their kids well or not?

If they Monster at everyone..NC for sure!