Author Topic: My Story poof and his Vanished  (Read 13261 times)

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story poof and his Vanished
« on: December 16, 2015, 01:51:26 AM »
Hi been told to start a new thread so here it is.
Not much to report my H is still vanished with no contact at all i still have not informed him of my redundancy or the passing of my Grandad i will cope by myself with my family and friends he doesn't want to be in my life so have it your way mister lets just hope he manges to fight through this before its too late.

please can someone link my old thread i tried but failed  :-\
thank you

Old thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7169.0
« Last Edit: December 16, 2015, 04:33:35 AM by Mitzpah »
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2015, 04:16:09 AM »
I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing and your job. Some days it really seems that we get dumped on in unimaginable ways. Thinking of you as you navigate through all of this.

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2015, 04:56:27 AM »
It's a lot to deal with, PW, but you're going to be fine.

_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2015, 05:22:42 AM »
attaching to your new thread -- X

CallingHeart....
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline Airmid

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2015, 07:59:20 AM »
I agree with your decision not to tell your MLCer.
Mine wanted to dump out of our lives but still stay connected to know all the news - and even comment and criticize decisions I was making!  :o ::)

They really are unbelieveable.

 

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2015, 08:02:12 AM »
Hi POO,

I agree, you have no responsibility to keep him informed about anything.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasure

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2015, 11:30:36 PM »
Attaching.
Sorry about your grandad. I never told my h when two of my auntys died. He would have heard from the kids I'm sure and he couldn't even say sorry to hear!
Take care of you. Xx

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2015, 05:12:44 AM »
Sorry about your granddad, too. Your H gave up the right to know anything about your life. You don't owe him any info. They can't handle anything anyway are usually no help.
trying2bok

Offline 1trouble

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2015, 06:51:06 AM »
Hi Poo

Sorry to hear about your granddad and I am with others about not telling your H, its likely you wouldn't get the reaction you wanted and it would only add to your hurt.

Know its not the same as a granddad but I lost one of my dogs a couple of weeks ago and didn't bother to tell my H either as there is little point.

As for the job situation that's crap to happen on top of all this, but as someone who has been made redundant a few times I think you always end up where you are meant to be and each time its happened to me I have ended up in a better job and happier so am sending positive thoughts to you for the same thing.

I could not believe your time line as it is so similar to mine, I got married in April 2005, we met 18 years ago and we have no children either. My situation started this year too.

Anyway take care and lets hope 2016 is a better year for you and every one on here xx

 
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2015, 07:54:26 AM »
Thank you all for the kind words about my grandad im sure he is happy now beside my Nan
1Trouble sorry you lost your dog im terrible i actually handle human death alot better then i do with our furry babies may be its because there love is unconditional no MLC with them and running off with other people.
2015 has sure been hard but i have a job interview Wed so fingers crossed 2016 will be better for us all
 :o ;D
Pooxx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2015, 08:16:20 AM »
Way to go on landing a job interview, Poo!
Best of luck (and skill) to you.

I agree 2015 was a very hard year (the suckiest year EVER) for me. I'm determined to make 2016 a good year. 
I need to start working on some very specific plans & goals in order to achieve the good year.
Maybe a trip to the UK around August is in order  :)

CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2015, 01:04:22 AM »
CH i think 2016 will be our year Wouldn't that be great to have a meet up such a shame we are so far away but never say never and i have loads of room now  xxxPooxxx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2015, 05:45:33 AM »
Today is the day I say goodbye to my grandad it feels horrible not having H by my side when I need him most.
The last few weeks have been so manic I have felt a bit numb concerning my feelings towards H it's very hard this standing the feeling that he is never returning keeps creeping into my head the feeling it's not MLC and he was just a selfish person.
but today I will remember my lovely grandad and feel my head with all the good times as a child we had with him and the love that was unconditional
Give nan a big hug grandad your together again xxxx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2015, 05:54:40 AM »
PW,

I know how difficult this is going to be for you, but you will get through it. Rejoice in your granddad's life. I e now been through the funerals of my mom and my MIL during the crisis, and it is actually a relief to think about something else as much as possible.

It's very normal to question if it's MLC or WAS. Very normal. When you have those thoughts, focus on the really stupid stuff he's said (i.e. excuses for leaving the marriage). That helps many of us remember that, yes, it's MLC. Think about his dead eyes--that's another sign.

I will be thinking about you and sending good thoughts all day!
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2015, 11:59:37 PM »
Happy Christmas everyone xxxxx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #15 on: December 25, 2015, 04:19:05 AM »
Merry Christmas POO!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #16 on: December 25, 2015, 07:55:00 AM »
Merry Christmas to you !!!
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2016, 02:48:32 AM »
Happy new year to everyone let's hope this is our year.Nothing really to say on H still no contact Christmas was hard but I kept busy and stayed with family and friends a lot always thinking of H but getting on with my life.He has truly just vanished and blocking out that our life together never existed makes me feel like I'm back at high school the way he has acted not telling me why just deciding I don't want you anymore I want this new girlfriend.
Some good news for a change I went for a job just before Christmas and got a ca,, yesterday that I have got the job Yahhhhh it's less money but the other news is one of my best friends has moved in for a bit so I have some company he and his wife are having issues but it's nice to see them doing the right thing they are talking trying to solve there issues and trying to make there marriage work so t
He is just having some time out to get his head sorted its sad to see but at least he is doing the right think shame my H couldn't have done this
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2016, 06:57:05 AM »
CONGRATULATIONS on the new job, PW!

It is a shame our spouses couldn't do the right thing, but then again, maybe they are doing the right thing--for them. Sounds crazy, but if they don't implode and finally deal with themselves, then they will die broken people. And know what? For me, his crisis has been the best thing that could have happened in my life because it has made me look at myself and make me a better person.
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2016, 09:54:40 AM »
Congrats Poo!
I'm glad to hear about your news.  I've been wondering how you've been.  Keep us posted :)
CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2016, 02:29:43 PM »
Poowoo, We could use an update. Hope all is well with the new job.
trying2bok

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2016, 04:41:15 AM »
Hi all we'll started new job Monday this was a induction day so won't know much till my next shift in 4 days time.i will be working 12 hour days but 4 days on 4 days off like the idea of 4 days off every week.January was the longest month not working even though I now have friend renting a room  it was still a struggle strange how you can still be lonely in a room full of people.
Still miss my H everyday not a messy puddle on the floor anymore I have locked it all down but inside I feel the same well 6 months is such a short time.
I still have not had any contact from him not one text or phone call he has just run away and started his new life with out me.
The think I find strange is he still keeps paying half the bills I expect he thinks I need more time but who knows I don't know this man he is not the man I married but I miss him it feels like I have a empty place in my heart that will never be filled
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2016, 07:31:41 AM »
We all understand that feeling, POO.

Like you lost an arm or a leg.  For now you lost your H.  He was a huge part of your life.
It takes a long time for you to adjust to that.  But you will.
Just be kind to yourself.

Hope you like your new job. If nothing else it will be a good distraction.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2016, 02:45:33 AM »
Well it's 6 months in and i still have really bad days but these are not everyday like it was.i still have not heard anything from H it's really hard when the one you love leaves and never contacts you again.
I miss him still love him with all my heart and still can't get my head round the fact he has no concern for me what so ever.
How can he be such a different person and just move on.
Just having a bad day I think just wish I had my H love
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Airmid

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #24 on: February 20, 2016, 04:20:56 AM »
PW -
6 months in is a very short time.  Of course you are still having a hard time.
You can't just shut off your feelings like a light switch.
What you can do is concentrate on you - and good self care.

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #25 on: February 20, 2016, 04:25:09 AM »
Good to see you've come back to post PW!

It's going to hurt for a long time.
PW -
6 months in is a very short time.  Of course you are still having a hard time.
You can't just shut off your feelings like a light switch.
What you can do is concentrate on you - and good self care.


Exatly what Air said.
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #26 on: February 20, 2016, 06:56:20 AM »
Hi Poo
Good to hear from you. 
I know it might not be much consolation, but your kindred spirit in BD/LBS land is sending you (((HUGS)))
Yes this journey is painful.  Not a peep out of my husband either. 

I'm wondering have you learned anything about yourself in the last 6 months?  Strangely, I'm starting to appreciate this ***time is a gift*** idea.  I'm also slowly learning not to blame myself for what happened. That's on him.  (here I go focusing back on him again).   If only I could keep the focus just on me.   I try to ignore thoughts him, but the memory haunts me and is always there.  I can fake it but I can't pretend too long. Not sure if that makes sense. Oh well.

Now... back to you :)
Hang in there.  Keep checking in with us.  I'm thinking of you.

CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #27 on: February 20, 2016, 07:39:47 AM »
CH so with you we are in same head space but different countries I feel the same as I did a few months ago but can say were before he was in my head 24 hours a day I now have a few hours were he is not there then he pops back into my head.
after posting earlier I checked the bank and he has not paid full amount in this made my stomach flip as I had to text him to ask why I have had no reply I really don't want to have to contact him but had no choice after starting a new job I need him to pay his way as I'm on a lot less money.
As for have I found out anything about me mmmmm hard one I have realised my feelings for H were stronger then I even realised I don't need him but god do I love him.i have found my love of art again and as I'm now doing 4 days on 4 days off I think this was meant to be as I am now training to be a tattoo artist on my 4 days off something I always wanted to do but never had the time and was always to busy trying to live my life with responsibility like bills ect.
I'm getting there but days like today awaiting a response to why no money just pull you a bit further back into that hole your climbing out off but if no response I will face my demon and turn up on his door step xxx love and hugs to you all
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #28 on: February 20, 2016, 10:18:20 PM »
He finally texted about why the money was short he said he has been informed I have a lodger so won't pay utilities.when I received the text first one for months god I could not stop shaking I then rang him and he did not answer he finally rang back it was like speaking to a different person definetly MONSTER I agreed he did not have to pay utilities but a bit of communication would have been nice instead of me just seeing less money in the bank.
All I can say if any newbies read this is read read read about MLC when I read through the web site it is like reading how my life is and has been everything up to and including replay nearly word for word it is like my H is dead and another man is in his place.
I like the way he knew everything about me how I lost my job my grandad passing on everything so he is definetly keeping tabs on me just hurt to know he could not even send a text about me loosing my grandad he just does not care at all didn't even care that I can not cover all the bills
This has knocked me back a bit but he won't see that I'm glad in some ways he has vanished as I don't think life would be so easy if I had to see this new monster all the time this is not the man I married
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #29 on: February 22, 2016, 05:01:32 PM »
PW, do you have an agreement, a legal agreement, of how much he is supposed to be paying? If you do, I don't think he can lower the amount if you took in a lodger to help make ends meet. Check with your attorney.
trying2bok

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #30 on: February 22, 2016, 07:38:06 PM »
Hi Poo
I love that you're training to be a tattoo artist. That's impressive!!
So your husband knew so much about you after vanishing and being out of contact? 
Very interesting that he has kept close tabs on you.
   
I know you said he was a monster ... and please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm jealous he called you back.  Mine won't.  I called but don't leave messages any more. I don't email any more either.  It was just too heartbreaking to be ignored so starkly by my own husband.  And my therapist said I was doing myself a disservice by giving him the impression I would always be here for him and be available at his beck-and-call.   I need to allow him to risk losing me permanently.  He is risking that and I guess that's what he really wants. 
Bummer   :-\

CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #31 on: February 22, 2016, 10:04:48 PM »
I get we're you are coming from CH just it's the total change in them it took 3 text and aload of missed calls before he rang back
It hurts so much doesn't it that they treat you as the enemy and don't want anything to do with you.
The lodger I have is a really good friend that has been in m mLC and he told me the way he was feeling. Would have been it would have taken him a while to build him self up to make the call and would want it over as soon as possible they just can't handle dealing with anything
I look as it now as my H is sort of dead and a different man is in his place he even told me that the man I married doesn't exist anymore he is a new person
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #32 on: February 23, 2016, 02:53:40 AM »
Your friend is right, PW: the man yiu married is gone. He's a stranger, now.

It really helped me to recognize that STBX is a stranger, that I don't know him and what I do know if him I don't like in the least. That realization was an epiphany for me and became a huge turning point in my letting go and healing.

Tattoo artist is just  8)
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #33 on: February 23, 2016, 03:07:27 AM »
Your friend is right, PW: the man yiu married is gone. He's a stranger, now.

It really helped me to recognize that STBX is a stranger, that I don't know him and what I do know if him I don't like in the least. That realization was an epiphany for me and became a huge turning point in my letting go and healing.

Tattoo artist is just  8)

I've had a few of these internal run-throughs too with my MLCW asking if I still love her and my reply being that I don't KNOW this person that is living with me any more but THAT person is not someone I would love.... I love the woman that I married, that I have 2 wonderful kids with, that I bought a house together with intending it to be ours, the one that I had a renewal of our vows in October of 2008 after 10 years of marriage... THAT woman I still love... but the one that is inhabiting her body is NOT that woman.....

I'm looking at getting new ink soon too.... New Chapter in my life, new ink.... It will be a Phoenix... Red/Gold/Yellow/orange at the body (burning away the old life), migrating to blue (peace and rebuilding of a new chapter of my life) in the mid-section and then finally to green in the tail (new life emerging and growth)....

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #34 on: February 23, 2016, 11:48:32 AM »
WOW UM!!! 
Love your new tattoo idea.
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #35 on: February 23, 2016, 10:12:24 PM »
How strange UM that's nearly exactly the tattoo I have covering my upper leg same colours at the moment I am in the middle of having a sleeve done had 2 sessions so far new arm for the new me lol
The new job is helping loads new people new place and can say I haven't thought ofH once there were old job I was always thinking of him change really helps
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #36 on: March 13, 2016, 04:00:38 AM »
We'll not much to say had to text H as renewed mortgage funny how when it is something he doesn't have to deal with I get a text straight back but if I need a answer from him about something he never answers
Still miss him like crazy hard excepting he doesn't want me anymore just wants the blond bimbo with no pulse who always said she would never get on the back of a motorbike but has put all over Facebook about how she has a new crash helmet and can't wait till summer.
I have had to say to friends again please don't tell me what they are up to I don't need to know I know they are just trying to help but I don't need to know this rubbish I know what I need to know and that's h is not here.
Always wondering if he is happy and was just a coward and this is not MLC I know time will tell and I need to work on me but it's so hard when all you want is your soul mate back .
he still has not mentioned selling is this due to not being able to deal with responsibility or he thinks I wait a few months
I am getting on with life but still can't stop thinking about him and if he will ever try and return i don't think he will and that is so painful
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #37 on: March 13, 2016, 07:11:02 AM »
Congratulations, POO!

It's great you told your friends you don't want to hear about them.  Why people think you want to hear that stuff is beyond me.
Just drama.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2016, 07:19:04 AM »
Love that you are training to be a tattoo artist. For the first time in my life I wish I was brave enough to get a tattoo. Don't know what it would be but something showing my resilience. BUT - I'm too scared it will hurt 😱

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2016, 08:33:29 AM »
I sure wouldn't have the talent to be a tattoo artist.  It's amazing what the do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2016, 02:57:02 AM »
RT it depends we're you have the tattoo to how much it hurts feet ankles ect are a bit sore I always think it's like running ya finger nail over sun burn but I have always found the more to chat to the artist the more you can ignore the feeling and at the end you have something for YOU.
Also the pain is nothing compared to the pain you feel from what you MLC has done if you can survive MLC you can do anything
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2016, 06:11:04 AM »
RT it depends we're you have the tattoo to how much it hurts feet ankles ect are a bit sore I always think it's like running ya finger nail over sun burn but I have always found the more to chat to the artist the more you can ignore the feeling and at the end you have something for YOU.
Also the pain is nothing compared to the pain you feel from what you MLC has done if you can survive MLC you can do anything

As someone with 4 tattoos (soon to be 5), I can say (for a guy) the inside of the forearm was much more intense than the outside of the bicep. I also have one on my chest and the closer they got to the nipple, the more it stung, just like on the bicep, the closer they got to the armpit.....

Once my shoulder is done, I'll let you know but I agree with PW, MLC is MUCH worse......
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #42 on: March 16, 2016, 02:28:24 AM »
Wow been doing ok with new job ect then last night out of nowhere I feel like I was back at the beginning don't know why but I feel so down today same stuff in my head why did he stop loving me why was life as I thought happy and he still went looking for something else is this really MLC or did he just stop loving me and didn't leave till he had somewhere to go ?
I miss him so much I'm trying to except he won't come back but it's so hard when all you want is them How do you move pass this I know time will help but he was all I wanted
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Passiflora

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #43 on: March 16, 2016, 03:19:19 AM »
Hi PW,
just taking some time since my pupils are by themselves right now. Don't feel bad about yourself. I know you miss him but……IF someone just walks out/vanish (after 20 or 30 years of marriage) that's your best clue that there is NOTHING wrong with you, nothing. The "problem" is with the person who does this. This in it self is a huge "red flag" of someone not feeling OK. To walk out of a relationship that long and not look back, that is an action from a not so stable person. I know you want to "fix" him, we all want that from time to time but none of us can. If a person does not want help or recognize they have a problem, the kings horses can't drag that person to get help. This was the first thing someone from the mans crisis center told me in the beginning of this and it looks like this expression is used all around the world. I know this is tough for you and someway I also think it's harder for us with vanisher but try, talk to your self everyday that; someone who does this is not OK mentally. I'm not saying he will return, I'm not saying he will ever be OK, I'm just saying that the problem is not with you it's with him. My dad vanished for 4-5 years when I was 16, my mum was the one getting a OM, he did get really depressed (I know now, didn't when I was young) he tried to kill himself and ended up at hospital and than vanished from my life. 4-5 years later, he wanted to meet me and that interaction was strange he acted like I was 16 still. My dad never came out of the tunnel, what I know of never got any help and he got only worse with time (more and more narcissistic behavior) still trying from time to time to reach out to me.

So, try to talk yourself into a mood of "it's-not-me-who-has-the-problem-it's-him". A mental heathy person does not vanish OR walk right out and not look back. If someone does this and not have feelings for the person they left behind, they can't have feeling for the next person either. You don't want this kind of person in your life right now (I know it's hard to understand). And no he does not care about this other person either it may look like it but he doesn't. If he can walk out of you he can easily walk out of the next one also. How many mlc'r haven't you read about that does not even care about their own children, this is not an OK partner to be with.

Just a movie tips; There is a movie called "force majeure" a swedish movie about a family going on a skiing trip and an avalanche came. I think when I saw it, that it describes depression and/or mlc, what happens during these stages. The trip is "only" one week but every step chock,denial, anger/reply, acceptance etc is there. This is how some men/women react.

Try to stay grounded, as much as you can, be the best person you want to be!   

Interesting discussion about tattoos. I said to oldest son 1 or 2 months after BD, that maybe it's time for me to get one. Oldest son replied…..Mum, it's more than enough with ONE parent going through midlife crisis!  :)

Hugs


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #44 on: March 16, 2016, 04:44:24 AM »

Try to stay grounded, as much as you can, be the best person you want to be!   

Interesting discussion about tattoos. I said to oldest son 1 or 2 months after BD, that maybe it's time for me to get one. Oldest son replied…..Mum, it's more than enough with ONE parent going through midlife crisis!  :)

Hugs

3 things to add here....

1) Passi - you are getting lax... You forgot to tell her that MLC'ers are all Bat-$#hit Crazy!  :-* (I just LOVE that expression and use it quite often to describe my MLCW to people)

2) PW - It is "normal" to cycle up and down - totally normal and understandable. While we understand with our heads that our MLC'er has gone off the deep end,, we still have been with that person for zig-number of years. Those feelings and emotions can NOT be turned off at the flick of a switch. It just does NOT work that way, despite what people try to tell us ("Oh, it's all for the best in the end. You'll both be happier." - The next person that tells me that and I are going to have to go to the hospital together... Me to get my foot out of my shoe, and them to get my shoe out of their a$$!  >:(  )  There will be up times and down times. I am "only" 3 months into the whole mess, just completed my move this past Saturday, am living in what can only be described as pure chaos, trying to be the stable one for my 2 kids and am running a sleep deficit of about 120 hours since ABD mid-December. There are days when I am doing really well, am happy, productive, and could rip trees out of the ground. There are days where, if it wasn't for my dog, I would not get out of bed, let alone out of the house.  This too will pass... It is sort of like a pendulum that has started swinging at BD - the oscillations at first are wald and extreme. Over time, they get slower and less intense until you reach equilibrium again....

3) (And this goes back to Passiflora) - I have a friend, my age,  whose kids gave her a gift certificate for a tattoo for her birthday 2 years ago... Her husband thinks it is cool and the kids do too.... She is on no way in anything remotely resembling MLC... An MLC experience changes us... LOTS .... It makes us look at things differently than we did before... Things like getting ink are no longer the "taboo" thing that they were when we were all nice and conservatively being good little partners... We're now the LBS - hear us firetrucking ROAR!  8)  ;D
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #45 on: March 16, 2016, 05:43:18 AM »
Thank you Passiflora and Ursamajor for your kind words it's amazing how people I have never met can put a smile back on my face I have just braved the chilly weather and got my Harley out from winter storage the ride made all the feelings disappear as too busy looking at the road for my brain to think.
I'm 8 months in to this horrible MLC world I have too look at it as if my H has died as I sure don't know the man he is now but I really miss the man I married.
I have the rest of my tattoo sleeve to look forward too new me new arm lol
Thank you again for caring sending warm hugs from UK xx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Passiflora

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #46 on: March 16, 2016, 06:20:23 AM »
1) Passi - you are getting lax... You forgot to tell her that MLC'ers are all Bat-$#hit Crazy!  :-* (I just LOVE that expression and use it quite often to describe my MLCW to people)

3) (And this goes back to Passiflora) - I have a friend, my age,  whose kids gave her a gift certificate for a tattoo for her birthday 2 years ago... Her husband thinks it is cool and the kids do too.... She is on no way in anything remotely resembling MLC... An MLC experience changes us... LOTS .... It makes us look at things differently than we did before... Things like getting ink are no longer the "taboo" thing that they were when we were all nice and conservatively being good little partners... We're now the LBS - hear us firetrucking ROAR!  8)  ;D

SORRY UM and PW, my mistake,
Those MLC'r are Bat-sh*t-crazy and don't you ever forget that PW. You are the sane one, you are the one living in the REAL world, not the fantasy bubble. For my own sanity and for me as a person, I'm more interesting in keeping my values/moral/integrity and try to be the best mum for my kids (even if they are grown ups) I know I will have my "happiness" when I can look in the mirror one day and with honesty say; I did my best, I took care of stuff and I was there for my kids. I think, for the long run, this is what people will remember. 

Darn UM, I misread, I thought you wanted to get me a ticket to LAX  8)  Right now, that's what I really would like to do, say "up yours" to the mlc'r, rent myself a convertible and take #1 up to SF. Care to come along?

LOL….OK, so you want me to get a tattoo? Conservative Passi goes hardcore biker! To tell you the truth, I think I would faint the second they put the machine to my skin (cries like a baby when I get the flu shot)

Last PW, we all are here to help you (help each other) when you feel a little bit down. It's a good thing that some of us are up when others are down, hopefully we are not down at the same time.

Hugs


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #47 on: March 16, 2016, 07:07:37 AM »

SORRY UM and PW, my mistake,
Those MLC'r are Bat-sh*t-crazy and don't you ever forget that PW. You are the sane one, you are the one living in the REAL world, not the fantasy bubble. For my own sanity and for me as a person, I'm more interesting in keeping my values/moral/integrity and try to be the best mum for my kids (even if they are grown ups) I know I will have my "happiness" when I can look in the mirror one day and with honesty say; I did my best, I took care of stuff and I was there for my kids. I think, for the long run, this is what people will remember. 

Yes, exactly... Being able to look one's self in the mirror and not go "Ick!" is a good thing... ...

Quote
Darn UM, I misread, I thought you wanted to get me a ticket to LAX  8)  Right now, that's what I really would like to do, say "up yours" to the mlc'r, rent myself a convertible and take #1 up to SF. Care to come along?

Do NOT tempt me!  I've been on that road a few times.... Especially from Santa Barbara up through San Luis Opisbo to SF....   Too bad I'm on the wrong side of the Atlantic for that... Of course, taking the Autostrada from Italy through Monaco to Canned would also be OK for me... Or down into Tuscany via the Austrian Alps... ...

Quote
LOL….OK, so you want me to get a tattoo? Conservative Passi goes hardcore biker! To tell you the truth, I think I would faint the second they put the machine to my skin (cries like a baby when I get the flu shot)

I did NOT say THAT!  :P I just was commenting that, getting a tattoo when one is a bit older than a teenager is NOT an indication of MLC....  ;) And who's talking about a flaming Death Head on your bicep or anything?  A Butterfly on the ankle or something along those lines is also a possibility...  :D

Quote
Last PW, we all are here to help you (help each other) when you feel a little bit down. It's a good thing that some of us are up when others are down, hopefully we are not down at the same time.


exactly... And for some, the pendulum has been swinging so long that equilibrium has been reached or is close.. Sorry PW for hijacking your thread a bit ....

Hugs
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #48 on: March 16, 2016, 07:40:28 AM »
No worries Ursamajor loving the banter and reading your post really makes me want to take a trip in to Europe and do these roads on my bike may have to catch a boat across the English Channel xx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #49 on: March 16, 2016, 04:28:00 PM »
Catching up, PW. Glad to see you back posting!

Like Passi and UM said, we cycle. For a long time. It's normal. I did it for about 2 years, didn't for a long time then did last December when I spent a weekend with STBX at D23's graduation and somehow we became "us" again". It was a very weird experience.

You will get though this. We all do. You are so much stronger than you were when you first came here. And you will continue to strengthen.

And I must add, ankle tats seems like a grand idea, they hurt like hell and it really sucks when the artist had a very heavy and and your tat winds up infected. Voice of experience. I am cured. I love the whisk I have on my ankle (honoring my mom) but I don't see me getting another. Also, D23 said her worst was down her rib cage. She said it wasn't tok bad while it was getting done because of the endorphins, but afterward--well, she hasn't gotten one since! ;)
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #50 on: March 25, 2016, 11:18:58 PM »
8 months in to this nightmare and it just makes me think more how can H move on so quick and not care what he has done to me  or care how I am now when he is all I still think about.May be it's because it's Easter and a holiday I work 4 days  on 4 days off find it so much easier when I work the weekend and have during the week off but have finished early this Easter horrible when you come home on a sunny day and your soulmate is not waiting to spend the day with you I really struggled yesterday on my own and just wish the bad dreams would stop
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #51 on: March 26, 2016, 02:22:30 PM »
PW, read about narcissists. They can move on pretty quickly. Perhaps he was your soulmate, but maybe he didn't feel you were his. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong, but he might feel that you no longer fill his needs. Narcissists are only concerned with their needs.

I am so sorry you had a tough day. Holidays are the worst in the first year. You'll get thru it. I used to feel like everyone in the world could tell my H left me. Give yourself a certain time of day to dwell on your sitch. Then only try to think about it in the time allotted. Stayed did that and after awhile she forgot to have her pity party time.

You are still so early in with this. I think you are expecting too much of yourself.
trying2bok

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #52 on: March 31, 2016, 09:35:29 AM »
Well it's 8 months now since BD and today I bumped into my mother and father in law for the first time I have not seen or spoken to them since my H left bless my father in law he was a mess and just cried his eyes out they now know a few more truths as my H had told them we looked happy when we were out but behind closed doors we were unhappy.As I told the in laws it's a shame I didn't know any of this feel like poo now  this doesn't get any easier I really miss him and it hurts to be told they were unhappy and just couldn't say anything or even show it
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #53 on: March 31, 2016, 09:47:22 AM »
POO, in the beginning my H tried to make off like it was mutual too but I soon put a kibosh on that!

This was solly his, secret decision, not mine. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #54 on: March 31, 2016, 10:21:27 AM »
And because it's not true what he says is probably why your FIL cried.
I feel compassion for him as it sounds like he is emotional about what is going on, and he is in touch with some rather deep feelings.   
I think our spouse don't really understand that what they chose to do affects more than just us being left behind
I hope your conversation with the inlaws went well overall....

CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #55 on: March 31, 2016, 10:27:12 AM »
POO, in the beginning my H tried to make off like it was mutual too but I soon put a kibosh on that!

This was solly his, secret decision, not mine.

Exactly. Me too.... "We decided..." to which my reply was, often as not, "What 'we?' Did you have a mouse in your pocket?"

We were at church together on Easter (my church where I've been a member since 1998, served nearly 10 years on the Vestry, was Junior Warden for the last 2 years, sang in the choir for several years, etc., etc.) and everyone was still nice to MLCW...BUT most also commented that it was so nice to see the kids again.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #56 on: April 08, 2016, 01:48:18 AM »
Hi all these 4 days of shift have been really difficult but can think of no reason why just feel really sad and down at present.
I do wounded if me being in our home still is what keeps me from moving forward as we still have stuff to sort out.
Why has he not had the discussion about selling up and moving on I feel like I'm stuck in Limbo as I know we still have all our stuff house ect to sort.
May be a New home would help but as I lost my job and took another for less money I am better staying here and paying the mortgage because if we sell I will not be able to get a morgage on my new money that would buy me a home I would want.
Is it normal for them to keep paying half the morgage and not say anything about selling or is it too early in ?
I still can believe all this is happening and all I keep doing is looking at our past wondering if he was always this way is it MLC was he just unhappy fell out of love and was too much of a coward to move on without someone to go to.
How could he treat me this cruel way if there was ever any love for me?
All same thought I'm sure we all have then I think if it is MLC will he ever make his way through or will he just stay with her to save face and prove he was right.
if he did try and return how do you cope with the lies and cheating behind your back and the cruel behaviour does he love anyone really or just him self
I can't turn my heart off and I do believe once your heart is shattered in to a million bits you can never find all the parts to mend it fully it hurts he has taken from me the ability to fully give my heart to someone ever again
just having a Rant really miss my best friend and it hurts he doesn't miss me
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #57 on: April 08, 2016, 03:53:20 AM »
PW, everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. We cycle. Sometimes we feel okay; other times we cannot stop thinking of them, the hurt, and what's happened.

It isn't unusual for them to continue paying mortgages, just as it isn't unsustainable for them to leave all or most of their belongings in the marital home. When mine left, he abandoned his entire Marine Corps career memorabilia. He took the big TV and stereo, though--quite telling as to his emotional age.

I know it's difficult to recognize now, but time will heal your heart. It will always bear scars, but it will heal.
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #58 on: April 08, 2016, 08:17:52 AM »

Is it normal for them to keep paying half the morgage and not say anything about selling or is it too early in ?
I still can believe all this is happening and all I keep doing is looking at our past wondering if he was always this way is it MLC was he just unhappy fell out of love and was too much of a coward to move on without someone to go to.
How could he treat me this cruel way if there was ever any love for me?


Hi Poo
I understand about looking at the past and all the wondering that goes with it. 
I've even gone as far as look at pictures of our wedding day and think to myself "he doesn't look happy".  He seemed to laugh a lot in our years together. But, now I'm left with questioning if he ever really was happy. 
I know when he left me he said he wasn't and felt like he would be happier alone.  Gee thanks!!

Personally, even though it seems like a million years, I think it's too early in... But if I were you I would start preparing for the day he stops with paying.  I'm sure you're probably already prepared.  In some ways at least he is paying 1/2 the mortgage and that helps you.  Maybe he is doing this out of feeling guilty.
These men.... UHGGG they sure turned our worlds upside down  :(
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #59 on: April 08, 2016, 11:45:56 AM »
So I find out today Other women may have not been the first he may have cheated earlier then that when I had a broken leg how much of my past was a lie I know my further will be more honest finding very hard to get over him sleeping around and the other women how do you go back after all the lies and deceit
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #60 on: May 16, 2016, 01:06:20 AM »
Just thought I would check in no change really 10 months after bomb drop.i still have no contact at all with H he is just getting on with life with OW as if I never existed.i hear a few things like he has been doing work around the house they live in shame he did nothing while he was at home and they are due to go on holiday again something I always sorted out.
He is still paying half the morgage and has still not contacted me concerning selling up I feel like being in the house we shared is keeping me in Limbo but I have no choice as I can not afford to buy on my own at the moment.
I still miss him like mad and wish I could just move on but I still can't believe the man I married can be such a different person I still have thoughts of is this MLC or was he a coward and waited till he had someone else to go too and how can you pretend to be happy and then just leave without having any conversations at all about being unhappy is he just a runaway husband.
Everyone just keeps saying he won't be back you can't have him back because of what he did how do I stop loving him as I really think he won't try and return he will just get on with the life he has made
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Thunder

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #61 on: May 16, 2016, 04:22:49 AM »
POO, how does everyone know what he will do or not do?
As far as you not taking him back, that is entirely up to you.  Please don't let people tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  They mean we but it's very hard for them to understand midlife crisis.

It's something that takes a long time to get through.  You know this. 

You just need to live your life and try not to put too much importance on them.  Ow is just a symptom of his crisis.
Some day he will see this but for now he is in the throws of infatuation.
So concentrate on you.

How are you doing?  Are you eating healthy?  Are you getting some kind of exercise?  Are you spending time with friends and family?  Have you taken steps to protect yourself, financially?

Take care of yourself, POO.  You're get through this.
We're here for you so post a often as you need to.

Big Hug
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #62 on: May 16, 2016, 05:58:16 AM »
POO, how does everyone know what he will do or not do?
As far as you not taking him back, that is entirely up to you.  Please don't let people tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  They mean we but it's very hard for them to understand midlife crisis.

Exactly. One thing we need to do is learn to stop predicting the future and making assumptions about anything. We only know the thoughts and feelings of another person if they are shared with us, and even those may not be authentic.

So you feel stuck in limbo in your house. What can you do to move yourself from limbo? After STBX moved out, I bought new bedroom furniture to purge him from the most intimate room. I moved my office from the one we shared into a different room. I made the house mine as much as I could. That was my way of coming to terms with the ghosts that haunted me.
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #63 on: May 16, 2016, 06:17:27 AM »
Poo
 I understand about everybody trying to tell you what to do
And i bought a new dish drainer lol you wouldn't believe how happy that made me
Money is tight here too
I moved spare bed to my room helped lots

Offline Shadoe

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #64 on: May 16, 2016, 11:54:20 AM »
Hi Poo,


My h is a vanisher like yours, I moved the house around, made it mine. I couldn't believe how much just moving things to different rooms or rearranging helped purge the ghosts. I still have some things to do but the house is mine, it feels like mine. It is convenient for me.


As for everyone telling you what to do, how do they know? You knew him better than anyone and even you can't predict what he will do in MLC. You do what is right for YOU. If anyone could tell us what they were going to do and how this would end we would all be running to get in on that.


Like you, I still miss my h, not the person he is now but the person I married. I wonder if it really is MLC or like you was he just a coward that waited until he has something else to go to before he left. But honestly, does it matter? Right now things are what they are, you have to live for you and let him do whatever it is he needs to do. You can't stop it and you can't change it. Don't let him rob you of the good memories you do have by coloring them wondering if they were real. They were real for YOU.
And so she took the patches of her life and sewed them together to make wings.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein

Not my Circus, Not my monkeys. But if you're either going to force them on me or leave me to deal with them, don't be surprised when I give you back monkey carcasses.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #65 on: May 30, 2016, 08:10:39 PM »
PW, I agree with the others. No one knows what will happen. Your H doesn't seem to know either. Live your life. You only get one. Don't let your H steal your life. He might come back, he might not. You need to keep moving forward. Waiting and hoping is fine, but you have to make a life for yourself. It sucks. It hurts.

He changed his mind about being married to you. He can change it back. He has control over his emotional state. You have control over yours. Don't let him take your peace. You are doing a great job with all of this. Give yourself credit. This is a tough sitch.
trying2bok

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #66 on: May 31, 2016, 02:54:38 AM »
Hi Poo

As for everyone telling you what to do, how do they know? You knew him better than anyone and even you can't predict what he will do in MLC. You do what is right for YOU. If anyone could tell us what they were going to do and how this would end we would all be running to get in on that.

That is a fact... That person would be THE guru and rich beyond their wildest dreams

Like you, I still miss my h, not the person he is now but the person I married. I wonder if it really is MLC or like you was he just a coward that waited until he has something else to go to before he left. But honestly, does it matter? Right now things are what they are, you have to live for you and let him do whatever it is he needs to do. You can't stop it and you can't change it. Don't let him rob you of the good memories you do have by coloring them wondering if they were real. They were real for YOU.

The italics in Shadoe's quote are added by me but this is absolutely the BEST Set of statements that I have read here in ages. 100% spot on. This is something that we LBS'ers all end up understanding at some point or another if we are to heal and grow (Note that I do NOT say "move on" because that is an individual choice/aspect) - "you have to live for you and let the MLC'er do whatever it is that they need to do." (I changed it a bit as Shadoe is writing from her POV and, as a male LBS, I took the liberty to degenderize it as it is an overarching statement that applies, regardless of sex).

To me, this excerpt is the quintessential definition of detachment.... We can miss the person our MLC'er was before they went bat-$#it crazy but, whether or not is was MLC, Walk-away Spouse, or whatever else it is/was, we have to continue to live for ourselves because we are, ourselves, valuable, important, caring, beautiful individuals and, by virtue of being born, being alive, we too have a right (Note that I do not say "deserve" but instead HAVE A RIGHT) to be happy, to live a life which we find rewarding and fulfilling..  The MLC'er is beyond our control and that is OK. Often, when the ground is ripped out from under us and we are flailing about trying to find our way, we (the LBS'er) comes to understand where the control issues in the former R were and , often, how much control we gave up to our MLC'er in order to preserve the R in the first place (prior to BD). Being able to detach is to understand that they are simply beyond our ability to control/help/influence and to let them go do whatever it is they need to do while realizing also that we ARE in control of OUR lives, fully and totally. We need to then assume the control again and to do what WE need to do for ourselves in order to promote our own growth and healing... The good memories we have of our spouse are ours and they are real. They can be treasured and cherished.

Hugs,
UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #67 on: July 06, 2016, 12:01:57 PM »
Well it's my wedding anniversary Monday and nearing a year from BD.
Still have not heard a single thing from my H.
I'm better then I was no longer a puddle on the floor and have started tattooing so new start but I miss him everyday and still can't stop my heart loving him.i keep my feelings to myself as friends and family don't get that I still love him but I still think he was a coward and waited till he found something new but the no signs no arguing was still strange to just up and leave with no conversation.
wow nearly a year and still so painful I will continue onwards and upwards xx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #68 on: July 06, 2016, 02:53:34 PM »
Good to hear from you, PW!

A year is very short in MLC territory. You are in the place where you can now, hopefully, begin to heal because you're carving out a life of your own.

Keep it up and when the sadness get to be too much, we are here!
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #69 on: July 06, 2016, 03:37:20 PM »
Hi Poo
Good to hear from you. 
So, your wedding anniversary is coming up next week?
I would encourage you to have something you can do that day to stay busy and find joy in doing it.
You will certainly remember the significance for the day but best to have a plan in advance so you don't accidentally end up a puddle.
I had my wedding anniversary exactly 2 months after BD.
It was a little difficult, but I got through it and so will You.

I feel much better since BD myself and we have the exact same BD date, so I'm just considering it as "Another Tricky Day" and will probably play The Who song a few times as I celebrate living my life as if he's not coming back. 

Like you I have heard nothing from my Vanishing-Prodigal-Wayward-Spouse.
I'm curious whether your husband is still paying part of your rent? 

I hope you are enjoying the tattooing.  Sounds awesome  :)
We're always here for you if you get to feeling down.
I miss my husband too and continue to love him from a distance.

CallingHeart...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #70 on: July 06, 2016, 09:58:18 PM »
Hi Ch yes he still pays half the morgage and no mention of selling as off yet .
I can't believe it's been a year it still feels so painful on the inside I wear a happy mask one day I hope it's my true feelings showing xx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #71 on: July 07, 2016, 10:10:27 AM »
Hi Poo
 It's been almost a year here too
I celebrated my 30th anniversary in nursing home with the people I hold closest to my heart
 Yes it was a sad time but what I'm saying is don't be alone
 And I will always love my stbx but I can't help him right now and that's hard to accept
 But I am finally trying to put my life back together and so will u

We are babies in mlc yrs

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #72 on: July 26, 2016, 04:08:18 AM »
Well it's a week away from BD anniversary and my friend that has been lodging with me is moving on to new thinks so I be home alone.Looking forward to some space but not sure how I will cover the bills but something will come along.
I seem to have no feelings now just nothing not happy not sad just nothing still think about H every day and he is always in my dreams so sleep still a issue
Life just seems to be life at the moment one day at a time is still what I do still no contact what so ever from H so that has been 9 months with no contact at all but since BD I have had no contact apart from first month when he needed his things still does my head in that a person can just shut 20 years away and never look back and even care what happens to the person they used to love I really feel as if he will never want to come back seems quite happy x
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #73 on: July 26, 2016, 08:40:14 AM »
Poo
 I am in no way ready to give advice to anyone.
Almost a year here also but it is getting better
I don't know if him being no contact is good or not I don't know if mine contacting me to make sure I'm still here is good or not

But I do know i have finally picked myself up and am trying to go foward

I let myself cry when it gets bad ...the difference is i dont lie in bed for days now..I don't feel like dying
Life is short and this is the only one I get

I still love him with all my heart but right now I can't have him so I'm going foward

I don't have any expectations of him ...but no one knows the future

    Hugs

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #74 on: August 30, 2016, 02:48:16 AM »
Just checking in really not much to say H still vanished no contact of any sort still trying to keep busy still miss him still can't understand how after all these years he could have been so cruel but then I don't think I will ever understand any off this
one day at a time is all I can do x
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #75 on: August 30, 2016, 02:56:34 AM »
Hi Poo,

A little over a year now?  And he has really and truly vanished.... Wow... How weird is that then?

But, enough about him...

How are YOU doing? A year is a long time to be in the dark, that is for sure. Eating enough? Sleeping enough? Last time you wrote you were still having sleep problems... I finally leveled off a bit and have been sleeping more or less regularly for the past few weeks (started while I was on vacation where I actually was able to sleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time - I even hit 9 hours one day  :o )

I still LOVE my new tat and I think MLCW has seen it and I am pretty sure hates it but that is just too darn bad.  To me, it is a sign that I WILL survive, I will rise again from the ashes and I will be OK....

Take care
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #76 on: August 30, 2016, 04:20:18 AM »
Hi Ursamajor sleep still issue that when brain starts thinking it's the vanishing that hurts as life was so normal no falling out no sign he was unhappy with us then to just leave I do wounder if he is in MLC or was just not in love anymore and was waiting to move on but was to much of a coward to do this unless he had someone to go too.
as for me I work as much as possible when not at my normal job the 4 days off I'm still learning tattooing and also now doing a percing course as so many people ask about percings so that will be cool
Meeting loads of new people at the tattoo shop but still feel so sad inside feel like I but a mask on for the outside world xx
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Medusa

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #77 on: August 30, 2016, 04:31:48 AM »
Good to hear your update, Poo!

The sadness does fade with time. As you said, one day at a time.

_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #78 on: August 30, 2016, 04:39:14 AM »
Good to hear your update, Poo!

The sadness does fade with time. As you said, one day at a time.

What Medusa said.... one day at a time and it does fade.... 5 months after separation and daily (or near daily) contact because of my kids and, even for me, the dagger in the heart has subsided over time....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #79 on: November 18, 2016, 01:38:33 AM »
Hi all been reading away but not posted for a while as not much to say been 15 months since BD and my H left apart from a couple of times seeing him straight after BD I have not heard or seen him for over a year now.I am still living in our house find it hard to call it home and he is still paying half the mortgage.Is this normal behaviour for MLC .it still hurts not as raw as it was but still can't understand how he can just leave and never look back after all this time there was no monster before hand life seemed normal till BD and then he vanished was it a MLC or did he fall out of love and was to much of a coward to say anything.why has he not contacted about the house.I have new things in my life new job as got made redundant 2 months after BD am learning to tattoo and have done a piercing course so am now piercing keep myself busy but miss him every day and it's always the same thoughts how could the man I know and loved do this I feel like I'm at high school no conversation about being unhappy just starts a new relationship.No communication I think he will just get on with his new life how can there be a connection between us if we never communicate is he just a runaway husband
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #80 on: November 18, 2016, 02:01:34 AM »
Hi Poo,

Nice to hear from you... You DO have a Vanisher...

All I can say is that a friend of mine had one of those too and after 5 years of invisibility, she finally had to file due to financial reasons and he filed at the same time (I guess he got served so he counterfiled)... That is pretty much the ONLY contact they had in 5 years...

With a vanisher it is REALLY difficult to say what is going on. They are the ultimate "escape and avoid" personality types..

Good to see that you are keeping busy and moving forward with your life.

The one answer to your questions though that I can possibly suggest is that the man you know and love DIDN'T do this... the MLC-Alien has done this... They may look like our spouse, they may walk like them and sometimes even talk like them but they are NOT them...

I wish I could offer some sage advice but..
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #81 on: November 20, 2016, 05:57:57 PM »
PW, I am also glad to hear your update. I am so sorry that there is no movement, but I am happy that you are building a life for yourself. It seems inconceivable that you have to do this, but it is brave and courageous that you are.
trying2bok

Offline POOWOOTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #82 on: February 20, 2017, 03:19:58 PM »
Haven't posted for a while as no communication what so ever with H for over a year. life has been like a roller coaster since Christmas my best friends was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer on 4th of Jan and sadly he died  14 Feb such a short time I have been with him and his wife through out right and till the end as they are family to me the sad thing is he was very close to my H but my friend would not have anything to do with H after bomb drop not what H did to me but because H pulled him in on all the lies and he was really hurt by what he did.My friends wish was that my H stayed. Away and was not welcome.
His the nasty part I had to contact h about a morgage change I did this by text and had no reply 2 weeks later as I entered my friends wake I received a text from H about the morgage he knew what that day was and what time it was all happening well timed text me thinks.
I also met friends there that I have not seen but still see H .his best friend told me that he act like a teenager and does not see many friends and is saying that his new girlfriend his his finance they are engaged funny his not divorced yet
What happened to the man I knew life can be so sad but it's how we cope that shows out character
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: poof and his Vanished
« Reply #83 on: February 24, 2017, 04:14:50 PM »
I am so sorry about your friend passing. It's so hard to lose people that we treasure. I am also sorry that your H is still out where the buses don't run. I don't have much time to respond now, but wanted you to know that I am still following your posts.
trying2bok

 

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