Author Topic: My Story How can she  (Read 11582 times)

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story How can she
« on: January 06, 2016, 08:32:22 AM »
My Bomb Drop occurred Feb 27, 2015.  At the time, I had no idea what a journey I was in for.
After an enjoyable dinner and evening with my wife and family, kids tucked in, MW went to bed early, while I stayed up for some TV.  Bored; I picked her phone up in the kitchen, to check her texts.  OK, so maybe my marriage wasn’t perfect, there had been a few small warning shots, I guess maybe that is why I was snooping.  But still, I had no real reason to suspect anything.  It was more idle curiosity than anything.  I trusted my wife of 14 years, fully.  And there was nothing exciting or unexpected in the texts.  Girl talk , and school discussions. (She is a teacher, at the school where our three kids go).  I saw her FB Messenger app.  Not too familiar with this, I clicked. 
               My world ended!! 
Months of progressively intimate and detailed messages between my (I thought) loving, trustworthy, passionate wife and another man!  WHAT!!!  HOW!!!  I was up reading this for hours, in more pain then I’ve ever known.  No sleep that night.  The next day I confronted her.  She came clean.  This “person of interest” is someone she almost got with 20 years ago.   Ultimately, they could not make the leap, and went their separate ways.  He, on to marry his fiancé and MW (married at the time), tried unsuccessfully, to save her 1st marriage.  But I had never heard of this other man before.  Not a story, not a memory.  Nothing.  And they had not spoken either… Until this wonderful gift we call Face Book, let them “Friend” each other.  Then it was… How has your life been for the past 19 years, remember when, what could have been, hey I’m not really happy, me neither, and finally…, what if we… now???  Because I was in such a foreign land, I made all the mistakes possible, and then some.  I tried everything to save our relationship, I asked questions, explained, negotiated, lectured, begged.  I could change.  What is wrong? I asked her to change her meds.  (She has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar. But we have always made it through her swings.)  I asked her to change her mind.  I asked over and over.  Stop talking to him.  We can make this work.  End It Period!  I found songs that said what I could not, and I wrote letters from my heart.  I am a strong person.  I go after what I want, and usually get it.  There is no way I am going to lose this woman, the one I love; to another man.  Someone who she has not seen in 19 years.  Someone who is married with two kids of his own.  Someone who lives 1,000 miles away.  What is she thinking?  Has she lost it?  How does she see this playing out?  Our kids?  Her job?  Our life??  She is confused, she said.  She loves me, but she has fallen for him. 
It is the perfect Lifetime Movie...
   Torn apart by circumstances, they go their separate ways, live their lives and start families, only to find each other again; 20 years later.  And finally, have their perfect love!
This continued for months.  We had talks, and she gave reasons.  We had arguments, and make up sessions.  I gave her space.  I tried to address each and every grievance she could come up with.  I tried explaining that this is a fantasy.  A person can be anyone in a text or on the phone for a few hours a day.  We attempting counseling, both together and separately.  This is where the term MLC was first introduced to her (us).    She continued with talk with me.  She continued to talk with him.  She is undecided what she needs to do.  The entire nightmare progressed.  Monster Mode !  She would talk to him after school for hours, then come home, and be a wonderful mother and wife.  We had family movie nights on the couch, but then after, she would disappear to “say good night” to him on the phone.  She would take long walks at night with the dog… and her phone.  I even found her having phone sex late one night.  Possibly the worst night of my life.  Absolute Hell, that is where I was living.  I took so much BS that I was doubting myself.  Am I too nice?  A push over?  I can be strong!  I can’t lose her, I’ll do anything to save her, but am I the man I want to be?  I want to be a good example for our kids.   
Through everything, I continued with one line she could not cross.  If she went to see him, we were done!  I was adamant.   I am an optimist, so I kept finding positives from this, too.  I was more involved around the house.  She hadn’t actually gone to see him.  She and I were talking more than we had in years.  I was learning things about her.  Things that were hard for her, and things that stressed her.  I was more engaged with our kids, and our affection (in my opinion) was better than it had been in a long while.   Good will come.  I know.   All of this; the ups and downs, mixed messages and emotions were escalating, until...  One morning before school; in tears, she tells me that she is trying to find a way to say good bye to him.  I keep a straight face, but inside I am celebrating.  I am winning!  I will keep my wife!
Mini Bomb Drop 1.  That night after school, she tells me she has bought a ticket, and she will be leaving work/ school early the next day to fly out to see him for a four-day weekend.  What changed in 8 hours?  She has to see him, “to decide” if this is real.  Anger!  Pain!, Begging, Negotiating, Guilt tripping!  Anything I could think of.  We talked most of the night.  Praying.  I have not yet mentioned praying, but I had been praying since this all began.  I am a religious person, to a degree.  I don’t care for church, but I truly believe in God, and try to live my life for him and our kids.  So I prayed all day the next day, while waiting for her to come home.  Somehow I found some clarity.  When she finally did, she had a bag already packed and hidden in a little used closet, she had a taxi on the way.  Trying to make a quick exit.  She gave me a hand written letter; where she tried to apologize, and explain that she needed to do this for herself.  She hopes that I will someday understand, and IF this works out with him, that we can give the best of both of us to our children.  IF it doesn’t work out, she hopes somehow I will be able to forgive her.  Take her back?  All of this, SHE had to decide by seeing him in person.  At this point, I am done.  She has made her decision, and will not change her mind.  She is crossing my line! I tell her, if she leaves, she is not welcome back.  I am done covering for her.  I will not lie about this.  AND she needs to tell our kids WHAT she is doing and WHY.  If not, I will, when I pick them up from school this afternoon.  Pure venom on her face.  Rage.  Out the slamming door.  Ten minutes on the phone with him.  Back in a slamming door.  Canceled taxi.  Screaming, that she is not going.  How could she go? After I pulled this sh**?  She needs to go.  But now she can’t!  I am such an A**hole.  I took her choice away.  Sobbing.  Arguing.  Anger.  More slamming doors.  She finally leaves for a hotel.  She needs space.  She texted later to tell me her plane took off, but she was not on it.  She was in a hotel with a bottle of wine.  She will talk to me sometime.  I am winning!  I am happy!  She did not go!  I am winning!  Not knowing the hell that would continue. 
She came home two days later, and I am sure she did not leave town.  I am equally sure he did not come to her rescue.  From her phone usage, and saw a lot of data used while she was gone.  Obviously communicating with him.  After her return there was a lot of silence.  Some arguments, and much talking.  Even an aborted joint counseling session.  The tension was so thick.  But 3 or 4 days later, May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, she ended it with him.  “I am done.” She says.  “ Isn’t that what you want?  You win.  Now I need some time to grieve”.  Inside I am thinking; I did win!! I am so happy inside!  He is gone!  She is here!  I win! 
For weeks we barely spoke, and never mentioned this.  But I can handle it.  She is still here.  He isn’t.  We have time.  We have kids.  She will get over this.  All it takes is time, and I am patient.  Our relationship was frigid rigid for 5 or 6 weeks.  This ended on a family weekend trip out of town.  I had arranged a 2 bedroom suite for us.  (Nice plan by me)  After a family day at the hotel pool, a little dinner, and movies in the room.  The kids finally in their separate bedroom, and several glasses of wine later, we shut our door, and found each other.  I’m not saying it was the best ever, but I was SOOO excited.  She is still here.  He isn’t.  She is with me!  We were on our way back!  We even had another round early the next morning.  Life was so good!  She is so beautiful!  She is with me!  These feelings didn’t last long, though.  That phone.  Using that phone all the time.  Texting or Messaging?  I am trying to tell myself; it’s not him.  It’s something else.  It is innocent.  And it may have been.  But the trust was gone.  The insecurity I was feeling was deafening, overwhelming, and almost as painful as when I “knew” she was talking with him. 
The summer continued.  We were both trying.  Less phone usage.  We were friendly, and at times affectionate.  “I love you” was said and texted... both ways.  There was still tension, small talk was difficult, but we were working at it.
Mini Bomb Drop 2.  Late July, the phone business picked up one evening.  The next morning, MW was out early for a run.  When she returned, she was crying, and would not look me in the eye.  Later that day, she took the kids to a park with friends.  Obviously, suspicious, I checked her phone usage, and there were a number of texts between her and the friend she was supposed to be meeting.  There was about 2 hours of no activity, then several more texts to the friend.  During the same time, there was a huge packet of data usage.  When she walked in, I met her at the door.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but she knew I knew.  We sat down away from our kids, and she immediately started crying, saying she was sorry.  He had reached out to “check on her” the previous evening.  They messaged back and forth.  And yes, she dropped the kids with our friend, while she parked and called him through FB.  But it “did not go well”  What does that mean I asked?  She said he is an a**, and they are done.  I’m mad.  We talk, she cries.  Finally we go to our separate corners.    The next day I tell her I love her but do not trust her.  She understands.  She needs time, and space.  Over the next several days all affection stops.  In a week, she tells me she can’t touch me, she can’t be touched by me.  And I can’t tell her I love her.  She can’t say it back, and she knows when she doesn’t; it kills me.  “So stop it.” She says.    She needs time. 
Life is moving in slow motion.  We’ve been doing therapy together, and she on her own. School goes back in session, and this year it’s easier on her.   We have been living like roommates.  We have fun, and occasionally laugh, there is no affection and no communication about us.  She has shut down as a wife.  Things seem to improve for a month in late October.  We go away for a weekend, just us.  We get along, but still no affection, and nothing serious to say.  Still, life is moving in slow motion.  Out for my birthday, dinner and a movie.  Nice night together.  Less tension, more laughs.  I ask to stay out later, but she is tired.  No affection, but a good night, in my mind.  Progress?  She is doing more therapy, a session almost every week.  Life is still STILL moving in slow motion.  Around Thanksgiving things seem to digress.  Short fuse, more irritable, fewer smiles. It seems something is bothering her.  But I am giving the requested space.  Life continues… in… slow… motion.
Mini Bomb Drop 3.  Two weeks after Thanksgiving, clearly something is bothering her.  We decide to talk.   She lets loose how her therapist says she needs to move out.  A Temporary Separation.  We argue, and I do everything wrong, AGAIN.  Each “reason” she brings up, I counter.  I tell her she doesn’t understand, we were making progress.  How can things take such a turn, when we were moving slowly forward?  If she would just try hard, like I have been.  Try Harder.  We table it until our next marriage counseling session. 
We went to our session, and she was congratulated by our counselor for making huge progress.  I don’t have a point of reference, I’m told.  She needs space, and time.  What the hell have I been giving her for the past 10 months??  It is decided she will not move out until after the Holidays.  “For the kids” 
We leave. 
Now we have made it through the Holidays.  What a terrible two weeks.  Faking things as we celebrated with family and friends.  Talking and laughing about past Christmases, and what the future holds.  All the while, my heart is broken to bits.  We have not told anyone else; but we plan to tell the kids this week, and MW is planning to move out before the weekend. 
After finding the Hero’s Spouse, things are making so much sense.  I agree, I identify, Yes, that is EXACTLY what she is doing.  I can see it now!!  Mid Life Crisis! 

Offline OldPilot

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Re: How can she
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2016, 11:02:19 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Do you want a mentor?

Please make a post that says so and
If so one will be assigned shortly.

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Airmid

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Re: How can she
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2016, 11:28:08 AM »
Hello Opt.

I am sorry you are here but you have found a good place with a lot of support.

I think by now you realize - logic will not prevail in this situation.
I  had a 20 year marriage (still married) until my H reconnected with the "woman he thought he loved in high school" on FB.

I hate FB.

The short story is - Just dropped the bomb on me and moved out 28 days later to the OW.  Became a person I could hardly recognize (turned into the iceman).
A few contacts with my new Alien husband were fruitless.
He asked for a divorce last Christmas - but has yet to do anything about it.

Here is the 180 list that helped me in the beginning - I hope you find it useful.
Post as often as you need to - people are willing to help and support you.

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

Michelle Werner-Davis. Divorce Busting
« Last Edit: February 17, 2016, 06:32:57 AM by xyzcf »

Offline jjal

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Re: How can she
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2016, 11:39:46 AM »
Read the 180 list several times, then employ it because it will save your sanity.

Post here, lots. All of us have similar stories.
Me - Mid 40's
W - Mid 40's
Married 20
No kids
BD - 7/2015
ILYB...
Moved out 2 days later
Suspect EA

Offline Thunder

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Re: How can she
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2016, 05:15:25 PM »
Opt,

I'm sorry you are going through this but as you can see your story in not much different than most on this site.

Once their crisis starts you have no control over what they do.

Honestly from one who has been through this for 5 years you can not change them, you can not stop them and you can not reason with them.  They go into their own little fantasy world and hear nothing.

You may as well be invisible.

All I can offer is try to detach from her.  As hard as that is, it is what is the best for you.  She needs you to give her space and just be friendly and light.  No relationship talks, no questions.

Just get on with your life and let her see you are not wasting time waiting around for her.  Do things without her.  Call some friends and make plans for the evening.  Have some fun.
She needs to miss you and think you are moving on without her.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Split open and melt

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Re: How can she
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2016, 01:52:44 AM »
Hello Optimus,
Welcome to the forum. Wow that was some first post recounting the last 10 months of hell you've been through. You've found a place where everyone can relate to your story. I'm sorry.

It sounds like you have done quite a bit of self reflection through this terrible experience. And I'm impressed with how brutally honest with yourself you sound in your post. Congrats, you are on the right track. As your avatar implys you are also optimistic, and that shows in your story. You will learn to appreciate the biggest silver lining through this mess. It's the growth we experience as individuals that comes through the mirror work which MLC requires of us, the LBS. No matter how bad things get with your W (and they can get worse), try not to lose sight on the fact that you will come out a better man through this. With our without your wife you will be the winner.

You may be new to this site but you are clearly not new to the trials of an MLC spouse, and it seems like you have processed much of the different phases of grief that come with it. I'm sure this past 10 months has seemed like an eternity. But as you will discover if you dig in to the articles and stories from other forum members, that you are still early on in this process. To me it sounds like your W is early into the first phase of MLC which is Replay. And this period can last a couple years at best.

You've recieved some good advice already, and if you continue to post you will receive more. You have been holding on tight to the marriage, fighting to win a battle that in reality has nothing to do with you, or the OM. This journey your wife is on is her path alone to follow. You did not cause it, and it's not your fault. No matter what she says to you, you must repeat that mantra to yourself. I'm not saying that you are free from accountability. You know your part, you've clearly worked on improving yourself. And that's the growth I was mentioning above. But that's your own work, what she is going through is not about you.

As others say above, the next phase for you is focusing on Detachment. Detachment is the very first Standing action necessary if you hope to see your wife return. It's counter intuitive as you want to hang on, your instincts tell you to hang on tight to save your marriage and keep the family together. There in lies the rub...like a bird in hand, if you hope to see it fly back to you, you must be willing to let go.

Detachment is hard as hell and it takes time. It's hard to think about Time as a gift, as Old Pilot states above. But as you detach you will gain a new perspective and a new appreciation for that time. Detachment and the 180 list isn't a way to "win her back." Detachment is first and foremost for yourself. For your own mental health, so that you can be the best man you can be for your children. This will be nearly impossible if you remain focused on your W and the situation with the OM. 

One of the first steps toward detaching is to accept and understand that this isn't about the OM either. He is merely a symptom of her dis-ease. It could be anyone. Don't give him power by making this about him. Once I was able to let go of my fixation on the OM my situation improved dramatically.

I'm not gunna sugarcoat it, you are facing a hard road ahead. I know it seems like you've been through the worst, but it can and likely will get worse with your W before it gets better. But you are much more prepared now, you are stronger, you have grieved...and will grieve more, but you have done a lot of work toward healing already and will be able to handle what she throws at you next with dignity and grace.

The best motivational advice I ever recieved on this forum was something like this: Right now you have the opportunity and the challenge of demonstrating to your children that a great man stands in the face of adversity with his chin held high, unwavering in his love and spirit. It is the greatest lesson you may ever pass onto them. It's our duty to them as fathers. Our children have two important wants and needs. They want to see you happy, they need to feel reassured that they will be loved no matter what. So let go of her, and look out for you so you can take care of those kids and give them what they will need through this. As I'm sure you are well aware, you only have a finite amount of energy, your energy is wasted trying to fix your W or win a competion with the OM. She is feeding off your energy, she will suck it right out of you if you allow it.  Whatever you can muster through the day...it should be directed in three places, your healing and growth, your kids, and your work.

We are here to help, and we'll be here. Keep reading into the articles, and I hope you continue to lean on us. You won't find a much better group of people out there who share in your pain, who empathize with the struggles you face every day. Between us we have truly seen it all, we've made every mistake, many of us have seen our spouses come out of the tunnel of MLC and have reconciled, and the wealth of knowledge and compassion contained within these threads is immeasurable. There is hope. At the same time we will be sure to hit you with a 2x4 here and there when it's needed, it's for your own good. ;)

(((Hugs))) Split
« Last Edit: January 08, 2016, 02:22:12 AM by Split open and melt »
Surrender to the Flow

Together- 15yrs /  Married-11yrs
Two Daughters 5 + 6
BD 10/25/13
Divorced as of 4/1/14

Offline MeNow

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Re: How can she
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2016, 03:33:10 AM »
Gonna offer up my opinion. Any thoughts about exposing the affair? Do you have his number? Can you contact his W?

Will it stop them I doubt it. It may pause them a bit and maybe give them a dose of conviction in the future.

If she goes off by herself, this thing will grow. They will eventually meet. The best time is now to nip this in the bud, if that is possible.

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2016, 07:59:35 AM »
Thank you all.  This is hard!  I guess you all know that!
We've told our children that she is moving out for a while.  She did most of the talking, and focused on her Bi-Polar.  Not sure if this was the right direction, but I did not need my young kids to learn that Mommy had an EA with another man while going through a MLC.  If that comes out down the road, so be it.  But for now, the shock of her leaving is bad enough.  Having said that, it seemed harder to me, then anyone else.  There were a few questions, like "is this contagious, or are you going to die?"  We both re-assured our kids, that she will not die, and we are watching them very closely.  If they are having any issues, we will work with them, to keep them safe and happy.  It's funny, it seems to have barely fazed them.  It's almost like I'm the only one who cares she is leaving, though I know that is not true.
Tonight after work, I am taking the kids to dinner, while MW packs and leaves.  Tomorrow is my day!  Not sure what we will do, but we are going to have some fun.  Sunday MW wants to take them to her hotel; so they can see where she will be staying, and that she will be OK.  They will be back home with me for dinner.
Over all, we are being extremely friendly through this.   It is killing me, as I am so mad that she would do this to her own kids.  But I am standing strong for them.
In the many posts I've read, there is very few if any comments about the MLCer seeing a therapist, on their own.    MW is seeing a therapist who is working with her using EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  Does anyone have experience with this.  Is this a good sign, a bad sign, or does it even matter?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: How can she
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2016, 09:36:36 AM »
There were a few questions, like "is this contagious, or are you going to die?"  We both re-assured our kids, that she will not die, and we are watching them very closely.

I am going to speak to the Bi-Polar issue as My mother and my daughter are bi-polar.
I never thought my XW was, however I decided during all these crisis's that she was depressed.
Also it has been revealed to me that my ex has bipolar history in her cousins and Uncle.

My mothers bipolar was very severe and when she arrived at mid-life it became much more severe.
I believe that she had an MLC of sorts based on her behavior, she divorced my father, and had wild spending and crazy behavior, of course much have that has never changed since and maybe is just
from her bipolar.

So I do believe that bi-polar can be somewhat genetic and - yes it is possible that your children
could have it some time in the future.
I would say when they get their hormones and lose their hormones,
go to college, or have children (if girls).

My daughter is refusing to have children since she would need to go off of her meds during the pregnancy.

As far as EMDR, I have no clue.
Is your wife staying on her meds?

Offline scooter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2016, 09:43:55 AM »
OP360 I am sorry your W doesn't appreciate a loving and loyal H. I agree with everyone on here you must let her think you are moving on without her and it is scary and sad the thought of living without them.  I am in the same situation regarding the same time frame and realize now that my clinging is making it easier for my H to run.

Living well and helping your children flourish will be the best medicine for her.  Your children will and can be your best distraction for you and it will help them also.

Hugs and stay strong.
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

 

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