Author Topic: My Story How can she  (Read 11576 times)

Online Songanddance

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My Story Re: How can she
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2016, 11:35:09 AM »
MW is seeing a therapist who is working with her using EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  Does anyone have experience with this.  Is this a good sign, a bad sign, or does it even matter?

Me _ I have been EMDRd twice!   It is fantastic but only if you are completely honest and in touch with your feelings.  I doubt that your W who is in MLC will actually know how to be honest anymore.

EMDR is where the therapist takes you through a memory or series of linked memories and using her fingers "waving" purposefully in your face as you recall the memory - when the memory onion has been peeled so to speak that is what the therapist focuses in on and re-frames that memory.

Let me explain with my first experience fo EMDR. 

I was in bits after BD and my T diagnosed me with PTSD.  She took me back to my childhood. I had to sit very still with my hands on my knees - straight but relaxed back and then focus my eyes completely on her index finger. As I recounted memories in answer to her questions she moved the finger in diagonals and straight lines but always within my eyeline so I never looked down or sideways. 
I remembered my dad dying - he was in hospital having had a massive stroke. I was with him; and he suddenly had breathing difficulties. I was literally shoved to one side and ushered into a room even though I insisted that if he was dying I wanted to be with him. The doctors ignored me and my dad died on his own 10 mins later.

Prior to this - Dad woke up and grunted at me. He reached his hand out - I took it and he squeezed my hand very hard. Then he went into breathing difficulties. For the next 16 year I always cried at that memory - couldn't get over it and felt so angry.   

My T stopped me at this point because I was crying so hard but still trying to follow her fingers.
She asked me " What do you think your dad was trying to say when he squeezed your hand?"
Me " I'd like to think he was saying goodbye"
My T " What did you call your dad and did he have a nickname for you?"
Me  "yes " and I told her.

She then asked me to repeat this phrase three times as she zoomed her fingers right toward my face as if she was going to poke my eyes out.  " Daddy and nickname said goodbye"

At the end of this I was exhausted but later that day  I remembered that memory again and this time for the first time in 16 years I felt closure and a massive grin on my face. Even now when I remember this, I smile because I have healed and had closure and have the closest connection to my darling dad.

However EMDR requires absolute openness and total honesty - that may not be possible with an MLCer and it is also subjective as to what memory the therapist digs out.

Fingers crossed for you OPT.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2016, 11:36:51 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Watcher

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Re: How can she
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2016, 07:19:10 AM »
Hi Optimus360,

My BD was July 2015 and it so mirrors what you are going through. I found out via checking on my 15yr old son's computer to keep him out of trouble. Wham hit by a 2x4. Wife and her EA exposed. After all the denials and leaving our marital home she finally came clean in Oct.

This man is her soulmate, they are really meant to be. I am in the way and ruining her happiness. She has come back and then I had to move out. She has had moments of clarity and been really honest with me since things fell apart. ( she blamed me for ruining the EA) LOL. She describes the OM as a magnet. There is nothing that she can do from being pulled to him. She thinks of him all the time, even during intimacy with me, hence that's not helping her. She feels that she is cheating on him.

She has to go complete no contact, as my wife has with him. There is a brutal affair withdrawal that you will definitely notice. Hers lasted 8 weeks. Straight to bed from work, no interaction with anyone, no eating, and severe weight loss. It helped that OM broke it off with her.

My DR says the dopamine high withdrawal is similar to that of a drug addict. As long as contact stops, recovery is usually 6-9 months from the EA. In my case I have to stop being intimate with her because I know what she is using it for and its really not helping the situation.

Im only 7 months into this, goto a pyschiatrist and marriage counselor,  take medication for anxiety,  and am waiting for the day that this EA is really over. One day at a time.

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2016, 06:31:05 AM »
Sorry I have not been here in a while.  Strange and hard two weeks.  MW left over a week ago.  Kids staying in the house with me.  She picks them each day for school, and drops home to me after.  Kids seem to be taking things pretty well.  Our Little guy (6 yrs) is kind of clingy, and cries more then normal, but not to much else to report.  I think the dog misses her more than anyone.
Catching up on a couple of notes from before.
1)   Yes, she is taking her meds.  Ant-Depression, Mood Stabilizers, and Xanax for anxiety. 
2)   Yes, we are attending marriage counseling together.  Not sure if that is helping or not. 
3)   She continues to see a therapist preforming EMDR Sessions, on her own. 
4)   Yes, I have seen a therapist as well, who is very focused on her family history and relationships.  Her parents are divorced, since she was 13 yrs.  Father cheated on Mother, and mother kicked him out.  MW think she has a better relationship with Father, since the divorce.  This is laughable, but this is what she thinks.

I am quite mixed as we move along.  I am standing, and working on my strength.  I am trying to reassure the kids, while maintaining the household.  All new to me.  I am also VERY Angry.  Hurt.  And Disappointed.  I know this is a disease, and we both want her to get better.  But, my anger and resentment for her walking out away from her family is growing each day.  When she drives away, I actually feel relief and some sort of peace.  I don’t like this, because I don’t want to feel like I want out of this.  I want MW back, but not the MLCer Monster wife.
As we go day to day, I feel like she is cake eating.  Still involved with the kids and even coming by to watch sports one night last week.  When she is around, we are getting along just fine.  Although, I feel like eggshells the whole time.  But she still gets in her car and drives off to the hotel for the night.  Then back again in the morning. 
Part of me wants to set up boundaries.  If she wants to be away, clear her mind, then stay away. 
Obviously, I want her to maintain her relationship with our kids.  Plus with her teaching at their school, I can’t and don’t want to limit her contact with them.
I know she can’t stay in a hotel forever.  I feel like something will be changing soon.  A decision.  Either she makes a more permanent move on her own, or she wants to come back home.  Either way, I get more of a say in things at that time, since I can or cannot let her come home.  Based on her attitude and desires.  I need to be mindful of the kids.  I don't want them hurt by her leaving again and again.  If she moves to an apartment, then I can add boundaries, since she is changing the dynamics of the relationship.
But for now I am waiting, which is a killer. 

Offline scooter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2016, 06:25:54 PM »
Optimus360, yes waiting is painful I have felt the same way. My H moved out the day after Christmas and here I am just waiting for his return even though he shows no signs of it.  My bomb drop was 9 months ago but he never really left until now.  It has gone down hill since the middle of December.  Each day that I am alone in this house (my kids are grown) I do grow a little stronger and ask myself am I ready to make a move.  I am putting the house up for sale as one step and my next step would be legal separation which they say is a must for yourself.

Your fortunate to have you kids to keep your mind off of things. Sorry that you all have to go through this. I wish there was a fast cure.

thanks for sharing the journey
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2016, 03:30:56 AM »
I fell hard yesterday.  She doesn’t know it.  But I let the snakes in my head get ahold of me, and I could not get them out.
MW is still out of the house, and in fact out on a “Road Trip” to clear her mind.  This was something that her therapist had suggested.  Get away from work, the family, and all the other things in her life.  Take some alone time.  Clear the brain.  I’m not entirely sure how that is different from what she has been doing, living in a hotel alone and away from us, her family?  But I guess to be away from work, and all, may be good?
She left after work on Tuesday.  And leading up to that, we had been getting along quite well.  She had come over for a football game on Sunday, after spending most of the day before together with the family.  Then taking the kids to dinner Monday.  Tuesday she went completely dark, and did not call the kids until late Wednesday evening, to say she was OK.  She asked to speak with me too, and she sounded great on the phone.  I’ve read on different posts, that sometimes MLCers actually take on different personas and different voices, in different stages.  I could swear her voice was more like when we first met.  Higher pitched and very… almost bubbly.   So even though I had found myself quite angry with her, for not calling the kids at all Tuesday, I was encouraged to hear her in such good spirits.  Confusing.
Yesterday, somehow I let my brain go to the EA she had last year, and realized that JAN 27 was an anniversary for them.  The first time they were together, 20 years ago.  Certainly not a coincidence that she is out on this road trip that very date.  Even though I believe their relationship to be over.  The issues we are having are about her MLC, and not him.  In my core I know this, but I still had a pretty crushing day and evening.  Thinking, just thinking.  I put a good face on for the kids; made them one of their favorite dinners, and we played and read before bedtime.  Still, the emptiness, that I have been avoiding for a while now, is back, and so strong.
I know this will pass, and maybe I’ve set myself up for this, by getting my hopes up, between the pleasant weekend, and the upbeat conversations on the phone.  I need to drop this, but I am having trouble letting it go.  Maybe I neeeeed to go off, and clear my head too.  But one of us has to stay strong and keep this family together.  So I’m writing down my feelings here instead.

Offline Thunder

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Re: How can she
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2016, 04:57:15 AM »

One of the hardest things to do is have no expectations.  None.

You find every time you talk to them and they seem happy to hear from start getting expectations.  Or you see them and their happy around you those darn expectations start again.

I think after you've been at this for a long time you finally get that they are not going to change for a long time, if ever.

Then it gets easier.  Like you're finally off the rollercoaster ride.
The best advice I can give you is to hold hope in your heart but live "as if" she is not coming back.  She may not.

If she doesn't, you're ahead of the game.  If she does you will be in a better place to make your relationship work.
For now just make your life the best it can be.

btw, you are a great dad.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2016, 06:49:28 AM »
Looking for thoughts on my 180.

Let me start by saying, MW came home over the weekend!  Yes, very happy, but trying to keep my guard up… Cautiously Optimistic!  She came home Saturday morning, came to me and simply asked if she could come home.  I asked if that is what she really wants.  Yes, she said. 
I said that her coming home means something.  Not that we are fixed, but that we are both committed to getting there.  She said yes, and almost had tears in her eyes.  The rest of the day was very nice.  Busy with kids activities/ sports and a neighborhood get together after dinner, which we cooked together!  I have not asked a thing about her roadtrip, and I only told her that I was available if she wanted to talk about things.  But I’d give her the space if she did not. 
Yesterday, we found ourselves falling back into our previous roles.  I offered to help her with the house and kids preparations for the week, but each time was told she had it.  By the end of the day, I felt her annoyance with me. 
So here is where I am; I want to ease her stress around the house, with her duties, which of course I took over 100% while she was gone.  I still want to practice the 180, give her space, and focus on myself and my kids.  I am not sure how to do both?

Offline Samurai

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Re: How can she
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2016, 06:55:04 AM »
In my opinion don't help her. Do your part around the house, not hers. She made a ig step by coming home. Don't pressure her for more. Let her settle and gain energy for the next step.
Me 42
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BD - October 2015 ILYBINILWY
S9 D7
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Separated in June 2018

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2016, 05:38:25 AM »
Last weekend, my D9 said she did not want a Polar Pop from Circle K, because she did not want  to, "catch Bi-Polar like Mommy." 
Uhg!  Heart breaking!

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: How can she
« Reply #19 on: February 04, 2016, 06:20:40 AM »
I can relate to this SO well...

MLCW is still at home until next Monday when the moving company comes (so you are way ahead on that score if she is wanting to return) to get her and the kids'stuff that she is taking to her new apartment and on Ash Wednesday, we will close on the sale of our house. Then we will have hit the point of no return but I digress....

We alternate which kid we bring to bed at night and yesterday was my night with D-5. The ritual is to brush teeth, put on jammies, then 10 minutes of story time and 10 minutes of snuggle time.... Last night, just as she was falling asleep, D-5 started crying and said "Daddy, I want to stay with you"  :'(  In the meantime, I hear an argument between MLCW and S8 but couldn't make out details but i can hear S-8 is crying... I went downstairs just in time to hear her tell him "Once we get moved, we will all be happier.. "

Kids don't have the filter between brain and mouth that we adults do... And sometimes what comes out tears ones heart out...  :'(
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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