Author Topic: My Story How can she  (Read 11531 times)

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: How can she
« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2016, 10:20:44 AM »
There is a lot I can handle.  People can fall in and out of love... and I get that.  But the kids are different.  How can their feeling not matter to MLCer?  And how can I explain how things are happening, and why??

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: How can she
« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2016, 02:03:17 AM »
There is a lot I can handle.  People can fall in and out of love... and I get that.  But the kids are different.  How can their feeling not matter to MLCer?  And how can I explain how things are happening, and why??

This is a struggle I have as well....

First though, to the MLC'er NOTHING matters except a (by the MLC'er) path to the relief from the overwhelming feelings of confusion, pain, and guilt and anyone that gets in the way of that supposed "relief" is going to be roadkill on the highway into the Tunnel.

As for talking to the kids, D-5 doesn't get the whole thing yet. She knows there is some major upheaval in the works but exactly what it entails, she's not quite sure. When she gets taken out of her Kindergarten (where she has been for nearly 3 years) and gets put into a different one with a different operational concept that is very small, I think that there will be he|| to pay. S8 is fully aware of what's happening and is taking it hard. He is getting better but, at the Parent-Teacher conference yesterday (I'm going to rant about that on my own thread), his teacher said that we seemed to be starting to recover a bit. MLCW said something to the effect "Well, it will help him be a stronger person in the end... "  ???  ::)

What I have been doing with S is that, when he wants to talk about it, I am VERY careful not to be derogatory or insulting or critical about Mom to him, regardless of how I am really feeling at the moment. The last thing in the world that S needs at the moment is a Father who talks trash about his Mom, even if she is being a total wonk. PLUS, be aware that whatever you DO say WILL get back to W at some point. I was VERY annoyed last night because it was getting late, I had to work this morning but my MLCW and the kids have the day off to take care of the paperwork to get my son moved from the school where he is now to the one int eh town where they will live as of next Monday. Normally, we start the evening ritual at 19:00 but, because we were out a bit later (another rant on y thread coming), we didn't get home until nearly 20:00 and MLCW goes up and locks herself int eh bathroom for nearly an hour. I needed to get the kids teeth brushed so I can get them to bed, get the dog walked and get to bed myself and such and I commented that I was annoyed because she had done that. As soon as she came out, S told her that I was mad and of course, she came and asked if I was mad...  :-X So... the Navy principle of "Loose Lips Sink Ships" definitely applies.

I haven't hesitated to tell S that this is NOT what I want but I always follow it with the fact that I am STILL his father and NOTHING and NO ONE will change that... EVER. Depending on the arrangements that you have with your MLCW in terms of seeing the kids, when, where, how much time, etc., you will have the "opportunity" to go into flame mode... DON'T!  Consider that the kids are really torn between 2 parents now so it is ALWAYS better to take the high road in this case and be the loving caring father that they know. The MLC'er is going to vacillate between any number of different moods at a speed which may approach Warp 8 so the kids will need some stability.

I personally do not advocate lying to them because, even small kids can tell when a duck is a duck and telling them it's a dog is NOT going to work but by avoiding "the Blame Game" and being true to yourself, you can answer their questions honestly in a way that they can understand, i. e. "Mommy is having a very difficult time. She probably feels like her head is full of spiderwebs (or cotton candy or cotton balls, whatever works for your kids) and she thinks that being apart will help her to clean them up." It really depends on the ages of your kids and their questions....

I hope that we, as fathers, can be the stable influence that our kids need at this time - I know we can but ti is not easy.  Sounds to me though like you are doing a bang-up job of it <tip of the hat>... Reassuring them that they will be OK, making sure they know they are loved by both of you, even if she can't really show it at the moment,  and handling the day-to-day life.... They DO get that part very well.... and it will make your relationship with them stronger... My MLCW will move out with the kids on Monday and my son is already more open and honest with me than he used to be....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #22 on: February 26, 2016, 06:11:39 AM »
Today is one year since Bomb Drop.  My brain feels like an atom from the cartoons; with the electrons running crazy fast circles around the center.   

Offline scooter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #23 on: February 26, 2016, 08:20:03 PM »
My year BD is next week.  I think we are still considered newbies, but it doesn't feel like it. I think I need a vacation.
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #24 on: February 28, 2016, 07:22:14 AM »
A vacation.  Yes!
I am traveling this week, and away from the house.  Not a vacation, but a busy work week.  Feeling good to have some space, as I am sure she is too.  Also, feeling empty, as I pack to leave.
 

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: How can she
« Reply #25 on: February 29, 2016, 04:15:15 AM »
My year BD is next week.  I think we are still considered newbies, but it doesn't feel like it. I think I need a vacation.

I just passed 2 MONTHS ABD and feel like I need a vacation... Of course, I haven't HAD a real vacation in nearly 2 years so that might be why... I have taken time off over Easter but that will be consumed with the kids and getting my apartment in order (I do NOT expect to be done before summer with everything I want to do)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline scooter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2016, 06:18:17 PM »
Happy Vacation time to you all as soon as you can possibly do it, we all deserve it.   8) 8)
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #27 on: April 25, 2016, 08:06:07 AM »
It’s been a couple of months since I’ve written anything here.  Probably because I am being cautiously optimistic.  Maybe I don’t want to jinx anything.
Since MW came home, we are doing OK.  There are still some hard days, and not much talking; about this. 
At one point she did apologize and asked why I even want her back?  I was taken back.  Afterall, that is what I had been dying to hear. 
Another time she said she had come home for the kids and me, not for her.  Now she says that she is working on being happy.  She says she needs to work on herself before she can work on us.  I’m not sure what that means, but I’ll take it for now. Things are not perfect.  She is trying.  We are going day to day, and both working at it. 
For me, the wounds are still fresh, exposed and hurting.  Trust is hard.  I still can’t forget what she has put us through. 
Sometimes we will have a good day, it helps me push the past 16 months further down into the past. 
The real reason I am writing here, is give the others on this forum some encouragement!  When I look back to where I was one year ago today, I am happy!  We are making progress.  I hope you can too!

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: How can she
« Reply #28 on: April 25, 2016, 01:33:20 PM »
Great news, Optimus! I've heard from others here that it can take several years before everyone exhales and things feel normal again. Sounds healthy. Her desire to work on herself also sounds very good. Praying for you!
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Optimus360Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: How can she
« Reply #29 on: April 26, 2016, 06:06:08 AM »
Yes.  Thank you.  Praying!!  My hesitation is
based on the relatively short time frame. But there seems to be a real desire on her part.  She knows she is suffering with Bi Polar.  But she loves her kids, and doesn't want to be with out them.  Even part time.
I am walking that thin line between real joy, and fear of another heartbreak.  I tried to keep my walls up, but I can't stop loving her.
I am no longer in fear of the OP.  They are finished!  My fear is that she will give up.  The path is hard work, and with MLC, or Bi Polar, I worry she will once again go into the fog, and lose momentum. 
I don't want to go through this again, and I need to protect my kids.

 

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