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Author Topic: My Story How can she

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My Story Re: How can she
#90: May 24, 2019, 10:12:01 AM
You’re constantly trying to justify why you stay.
There’s this blanket of anxiety and frustration that lives on top of everything.  You’re heartbroken because she’s changed so much and so quickly. This nostalgia is baked into everything, of missing what was here
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O
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Re: How can she
#91: June 16, 2019, 06:52:45 AM
Why???
It’s father’s Day here in America.  And this morning I was greeted with a polite “Good Morning” by MLC W. (Not normally how she greets me) Followed by the kids presenting me with a Very Nice Father’s Day Gift.  Since my kids are still young, 15, 13, and 10 years, the gift was obviously purchased by W.  Then we had a traditional Country Style Breakfast. (which she made)  One of my favorites.    Across the Breakfast table we had an upbeat, can I say delightful conversation, and even a little bit of flirting, as we planned the day’s events with the whole family.  OK, maybe the flirting was my own wishful thinking, but in any case, the mood is so much lighter than standard weekend mornings.  So why?  Why, can she step up for a special occasion?  If she knows how to be like her old self, or at least act similarly to her old self?  Why doesn’t she work at this at other times?  She simply has to feel the lighter mood.  The reduced tension.  The Fun.  No??
I know, I should simply take this and enjoy, which I intend to do, after finishing this post.  I’ll focus on the good.  A day with my family!  IT IS NICE to have less negativity in the house, even for one day. 
I just find it so difficult to see a glimpse of my old W, only to know that the angry stranger will soon re-appear.
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Re: How can she
#92: June 16, 2019, 12:54:19 PM
OR she hides in her room, watching TV, or on her phone.  When I ignore her and her antics, things go smoother, but it is still an unfulfilling existence. 

This is what mine does!!!! Annoying isn't it?

Ok, about the fathers day "act"..... it's a mask. She knows what she was, she doesn't want to be that (currently)... hence, no she doesn't want to work on that. It was a gift that was probably difficult for her to pull off. A better question would be WHY..... why would she do that for you? Guilt? Covered up feelings? Just to put on a show for the kids? Whatever the reason, she did it and that's something. Can't hand a hope on it, but take it for what it is.... positive. Obviously it took thought and effort, and isn't that what we're all looking for? One step at a time. I think you're 100% right about enjoying it for now and the alien will return soon. Good going man!!!!
Keep that love alive!!!! She's counting on you, she just doesn't know it yet.

-SS

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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: How can she
#93: September 24, 2019, 01:33:25 AM
Attaching....  Can see a lot of my W and myself in your posts.   

Hugs / Fistbump
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... I'm filing for D): May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5


*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
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O
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Re: How can she
#94: October 14, 2019, 10:21:37 AM
My W’s B Day was coming up, so I offered to take her and the kids to dinner.  She never really answered.  I kept trying.  The upcoming Sunday, her actual birthday, was planned full with kids sports, but we were to be free in the evening. I asked again, if she would like to do something.  This is now Thursday.  She said maybe, so I texted a group of friends, to offer for all to join us out, for a dinner/ a little celebration.  Not too late, I specified, since she and our 3 kids have school the next day.  W followed my text a few hours later (after several had replied that they were in), to say she was skipping her B Day this year.  She was simply too busy, and wasn’t up for this kind of an event on a Sunday evening. 
Saturday afternoon, she texts me to ask if we could go to dinner, just our family.  We went, and had a nice time.  Sunday came, and after the second game with my oldest, she declares she is not cooking, and we should go out with friends.  Which we do, (but not the whole group originally invited) and she acts like she is having the most wonderful time.
This was followed by a Facebook post, Thank you so much for the Amazing Birthday wishes.  I love and treasure each of you in your own way.

Ahh… the confused mind of an MLCer.  It's enough to drive me Crazy.  And I'm not the Crazy One!!
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Re: How can she
#95: October 29, 2019, 06:54:28 AM
I’ve been reading other posts here on HS.  They usually help ground me.   Now I’ll give an update to mine.
I have a big birthday coming up, and my MLC W threw a party.  She planned a big event with lots of people, many friends and family, music, food, and drinks.  She even invited my best Life Long Friend in from across the country, and surprised me.  Between the party, being social, going out for lunches, watching football, and taking care of the kids, to let me and my friend have some time to catch up, she was on her best behavior.  We had a great weekend, and she was acting so much like her old self.  The woman who loved to entertain and have fun socially.  It even seemed like a little flirting at one point.
At least this time I didn't get my hopes up, as I knew what was coming.  And yes, by week’s end, she was back to the brooding, unhappy woman who lives in the spare room downstairs.  It feels like being up and happy simply wore her out.
It’s been said on this site many times; how the difficulty for the LBS is amplified by seeing their spouse's old self come back from time to time.  But they always run back into hiding.  I guess that is the fog?   Who can tell, but man is it rough on the rest of us!
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Re: How can she
#96: January 20, 2020, 03:33:32 AM
Hello.  I am still around.  My MLC W is still here in the house.  In a separate room.  Neither of us are wearing our rings.  Not much talking, no communication.  Mostly texting or small talk about kids schedules, etc.  There seems to be an added urgency or anger with her.  Its not like she is monstering to me.  But there is a feeling just under the surface.  Neither my W or I use much profanity.  But I’ve heard the F word (or seen it in texts, LOL) more in the past 6 months then I’ve heard it from her in the past 10-15 years.  Her driving is fast and jerky.  Not quite reckless, but nearly so.  Over Thanksgiving she banged her car up, b/c she was too impatience to stop and back up for a better angle.  She just scrapped on past.   I’m not fixing it, btw.   And over Christmas she completely lost it with my youngest S 10.  He was touching something in a gift shop, and dropped it.  $5.00 mistake.  No problem, we will make him pay for it, from his own money.  But she absolutely lost it on the poor kid.  He knew what he did was wrong, and was very upset.  But she went ballistic.  She recovered later on.  But the reaction, the hair trigger is so evident now.  More so in the past 6-8 months than before.  Anyone else see anything like this with their spouses?  Cycling?
Moving on.  I have an acquaintance whose wife is having her own MLC.  He reached out, and we have been texting all weekend. His W has been diagnosed with depression for a while.  She went off of her meds 5 months ago.  Last week, she told him she wants to separate.  She has been unhappy for ten years and has been faking it.  Says he is emotionally and verbally abusive.  Says she just doesn’t love him anymore, and doesn’t see how she ever can again.  I’m not tight with this guy, so I can’t say how their relationship was.  But all the signs are there.  As we’ve been talking, and I’ve dug deeper, it is all coming out.  I told him not to snoop the phone records or social media.  He said, too late  I asked if she is “talking” to anyone.  Yes, a friend who is divorced, but only about lawyers and stuff.  Four times.  For two hours.  Sorry Dude, welcome to MLC.  He is trying to push her into counseling and get her back on her meds.  I’ve been telling him to let her be.  He can’t force this.  She will do what she wants to do.  I’ve told him about HS website, and given him a link.  His heart is broken, and we all know how that feels.  I don’t think he wants to believe me yet.  I’ve told him some of my situation, and what I am doing now, to try to stay sane. 
Here is my problem.  Five years  plus into this mess, as I give him advice about detaching, working on himself, and letting her be, I’m hearing myself through his newby ears.  It sounds like I’m pretty passive.  Like I’m taking all the BS she is throwing at me.  When I think about myself five years ago, I think I would have lost my mind, to learn that I’d still be going through this and basically standing by and accepting all of this this five years later.  No, I’m not accepting it, I hate it!  But I’m taking it.  No communication, no sex, no companionship.  Keeping the peace, and being there for my kids.  Maybe noble, but I’m feeling kind of weak.    I’m starting to question myself.   
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Re: How can she
#97: February 08, 2020, 10:38:20 AM
Question.  Although I don’t expect an answer.
My MLC Wife is on a girls trip this weekend.  These girls, being my side of the family.  Sisters, wives, aunts and cousins.  By all accounts on Facebook, they are having a blast.  On one post, Crazytown W writes “What an awesome day with all these women that I am lucky enough to call family”  Really?  Family?  They are only your family through me.  You remember, the one who you can’t stand.  The one who you would be happier with out.  Sorry if I sound bitter, but the hypocrisy is overwhelming.  There is even a pict with my sister and my W together , captioned “sisters” 
So my question is… What is she thinking?  Does she really love this, or is it fake?  Does she realize that if any one of them knew how she truly behaves at home, they would disown her, and eat her for breakfast.  The minds of these MLCers.?.?.?.
OK, I’m done.  Thanks for listening.
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Re: How can she
#98: February 08, 2020, 11:56:50 AM
She might really be having a blast. Today. Tomorrow maybe she will remember differently and hated it all. Facebook is all for show and may or may  not be an accurate depiction of anyone's current state of mind.  You know that. :)

She knows YOU won't tell them what her home behavior is, likely the kids follow the same silence about the elephant in the house. She is safe to be anyone she wants to be on outings like these. No one will question it (other than you).

Imo, it's the same mlc image management, which may or may not have any basis in fact. Does it matter whether she really feels that way or not? Or is it just the standard confusing to you? (Facebook confuses me so I don't go there. I know people who have others convinced they are rich and happy, when they are miserable and overdrawn)
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: How can she
#99: February 09, 2020, 06:11:15 AM
Thanks Offroad.  I do know that.  FB is like a highlights clip on Sportscenter.  All it shows is the diving catch, even though there were 9 other innings where nothing exciting happened.  They can make it look like an epic game. 
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« Last Edit: February 09, 2020, 06:12:42 AM by Optimus360 »

 

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