[Absolutely Fabulous]

Which one are you dealing with? A clinger or vanisher? What have been the pros and cons of your journey?

[MsMedfly]

I so love you!!

First- it's determinng what you really have. After hours of our analyzation, I don't have a vanisher.. He would monster at me, then poof, gone.. I didn't fully understand that mine is a clinger- even though he's an evil only one at this point- his anger and evil is still classic clinging.. If your alien is nothing but pure and utter demon filled evil- and spews and goes dark, only to rinse, cycle, repeat... Congrats you have a clinger that regardless of what they say or do- they are petrified to totally lose you... Long time to get to that point and truly see the difference...

You know how I feel about this and I've had to overcome the jealously within me, who have those clinger boomerangs, that the grass isn't greener... While mine is the stay puffed marshmellow angry alien right now, only clings to growl, snarl, and try to hose me with hot goo to keep me in his circus..

They toy with your emotions, possibly because of the anchor of the children.. I know that's why skletor does it to you... Plus, he's grasping at every single straw to keep crack check you- is there any space for me... Has she boarded up every single nook and cranny- is she really done with me...

Both suck--- we all think the other is better than it is... One ignores us, only acknowledges us to monster, while the other continues their 5 year hissy fit right in front of us...

 

[Watcher]

I think mine is a clinger. Heavy monster spewing, throwing tantrums, threatening divorce, police called to the house numerous times.  I leave and give her what she wants and then there is silence for a few weeks. Until she reaches out and starts complaining that I am not at home.

I am then accused of abandoning the family while she is the one trying to save the marriage. She begs me to come back. She professes how much that she has changed. She is nice for a few days, then Wham, monster is back and the cycle repeats.

I have been through the cycle 3 times now and have become quite good at reading the situation. I agree they are afraid of losing you. I have seen the shift change  within  my wife. The first 5 months she could have cared less about me. Now she is afraid that I am filing, seeing another woman, and making plans to move on.

I think Im safe until February, LOL, thats when she will be reaching out again.

[Airmid]

I have a vanisher.
He was a clinger until I put on my teflon dress and went NC.
I like the vanisher - no hassle - no worries about what to say what not to say.
Not sure how long the bliss will go on - but so far so good.

[Roma]

Clinger. I'm debating whats better out of the two myself.

[Ready2Transform]

He started as a clinger, vanished 2012 once he filed for the d. After having had to make contact with him last fall, and with the interactions we've had since, I realize he would have continued to cling, so long as I pursued. It would have been Monster, but still there. He filed as an aggressive response to me presenting him with his total share of our joint debt (plus OW pressure), and I think wanted me to respond with a fight. I didn't, to the point of letting his mail pile up for months and eventually just delivering it through my attorney. I think my silence laid a big layer of shame and guilt on him that made him too weak to reach out to me first. For me though, that was the right thing to do for my healing.

Now, he mirrors whatever I do, but it's usually within a matter of minutes (or seconds, LOL) with electronic contact. I never reach out unless I have to (property matters), and I don't respond unless there's a reason (I leave the conversation first). I deal with him like he's not my favorite client. LOL Cordial, but terse.

For me, the pros of dealing with a clinger were that it kept me in the moment - I dealt with only the "current" him, without space for my imagination to remember who he was. Most of the time that was really frustrating, but it reminded me why it was good he was out of the house! The con of course was the same thing. It's hurtful that he changed.

The pros of a vanisher were that I had space to heal, and I got to really start living my own life. MLC is in my life if I pay attention to it (which I still do, probably too much). The cons are that I miss him (the old him). I cycle more because my imagination puts clues together to guess where he's "at" in the tunnel, and that can be disappointing in a lot of ways. It was initially lonely because at least what I knew, with Monster, was predictable contact with the person I loved most.

[Passiflora]

I too have a vanisher, kicked out late june -14, NC since october -14;

pros, my healing comes first, a lot easier to detach I think (even if you can not ever be detached to someone you have had a r with, I think), I have grown up kids so a lot of me me me time. Started swimming lessons Crawl last week before work in the mornings So FUN. Getting a lot closer to my kids also can almost touch the bond between us. Also all of these friends that have stood by me during this period. I think I turned into a real nutcase myself, if I had to deal with this batsh*t crazy person as a boomerang or clinger.

cons, I have almost no clue where he is in his journey. If he's depressed/angry, I know he's not happy (hurt people hurt people, happy people don't behave this way)

Conclusion, I am a "vanisher mlc" kind of woman but I'm impressed with all of you having clinger or stay at home.

[Reallytrying]

Mine is a boomerang - not sure if he meets the criteria for clinger or not. He's been like this since he left 18 months ago. He's around a lot and at times to the outside observer it will look like nothing has changed. Sometimes he is very pleasant and friendly - other times he is very distant. He rarely monsters anymore. He did that in the beginning before he left.

I personally prefer the boomerang but that's because we have kids. I would hate for him to have just vanished from their lives. Also, if he was monstering or throwing his OW in my face then i might feel different.  I suspect they both have their pros and both suck in their own way.

Pros - lots of opportunity to observe his behavior. Lots of opportunity for positive interactions.  Less chance for my imagination or anxiety to "make up" explanations for his behavior.
Cons - detaching was probably harder than if he had just vanished.

[MsT]

I thought for sure mrT was going to disappear of the face of the Earth forever. He has a history of going NC on his family members for years at a time (most often his mom), so I figured he would do the same to me.
I was wrong and he clings, but in the worst possible way.

I will be honest here and say that in the beginning, I hoped he would be a clinger. I thought that way, at least I'd have something of him. But this is not the man I loved and it's hard to heal with him hanging around and ripping old wounds open every time he sees a chance.

[OffRoad]

Having at at home wallower, definitely a clinger.

Pros:I can see what is happening, I don't have to guess. He is here for our son (as best he can be-better than nothing). Financial, since he still pays the lion's share of the bills. I have the opportunity to connect in a positive way. He can see my strength. I can see his "children" and have more compassion.

Cons: He's here, but he's not. I can't depend on him for anything, including regarding S. I have the opportunity to connect in a negative way . In the beginning, until I could detach, really emotionally rough. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, right here, in my face.

I 100% could not do this if he monstered anymore or if there were an OW. I think a lot of MLCs go this way.