[UnconditionalLove]

I don't know what mine is...maybe someone that has followed my thread can tell me.

He vanished to another state with OW.  We have a company together that keeps us in contact with each other through email.  If it wasn't for that he would probably be  an vanisher.  I don't think I would hear from him because of guilt.  It would be interesting to know what he would do if it wasn't for the business.  it would probably speed this process up.  He doesn't monster right now and hasn't for a few months.  He nice most of the time.

[Snowdrop]

I just believe the NC (Vanisher) increases the difficulty in making any contact...as they begin to "wake up."

Like us, they have had to adapt to a new environment when they leave, which maybe isn't so bad for them either and becomes their "new normal" just as ours has.  I imagine if and when my H ever does "wake up" he will credit OW and life as they know it will improve.  Then again that is me and my inability at times to think life with OW is anything but rosy, even though I would be the first to tell others it couldn't be when it is about someone else.

[Medusa]

Thanks for the reminder of that thread, Anjae!

What I believe is that while they are going through the tunnel, they need to disappear, at least for awhile. When we say get out of their way, it's not only for our own protection but to help them progress. This is the issue I see with clingers--when they can't detach from us, how are they supposed to figure out that we aren't the source of their misery?

I haven't heard a peep from mine in a couple of weeks. I won't be surprised if I do hear from him soon, though, since he's going to get the pleasure of being served with D papers this week. I'm mentally preparing for all hell to break loose when that happens, but so be it. It's all part of the experience, right?

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Thanks for the reminder of that thread, Anjae!

What I believe is that while they are going through the tunnel, they need to disappear, at least for awhile. When we say get out of their way, it's not only for our own protection but to help them progress. This is the issue I see with clingers--when they can't detach from us, how are they supposed to figure out that we aren't the source of their misery?

I haven't heard a peep from mine in a couple of weeks. I won't be surprised if I do hear from him soon, though, since he's going to get the pleasure of being served with D papers this week. I'm mentally preparing for all hell to break loose when that happens, but so be it. It's all part of the experience, right?

Trust and believe all hell will break loose. He's going to pull out all of the stops. He will know that's he's lost control, and will lose his mind. Be prepared. It was what mine did.

Mine is still blaming me post divorce, and I don't contact him, he contacts me. All the projection that I'm getting is still going on. I'm getting accused of not moving on, and it still going on. The clinging won't stop. So, you're right, you do need to brace yourself.

[Medusa]

Thanks for the reminder of that thread, Anjae!

What I believe is that while they are going through the tunnel, they need to disappear, at least for awhile. When we say get out of their way, it's not only for our own protection but to help them progress. This is the issue I see with clingers--when they can't detach from us, how are they supposed to figure out that we aren't the source of their misery?

I haven't heard a peep from mine in a couple of weeks. I won't be surprised if I do hear from him soon, though, since he's going to get the pleasure of being served with D papers this week. I'm mentally preparing for all hell to break loose when that happens, but so be it. It's all part of the experience, right?

Trust and believe all hell will break loose. He's going to pull out all of the stops. He will know that's he's lost control, and will lose his mind. Be prepared. It was what mine did.

Mine is still blaming me post divorce, and I don't contact him, he contacts me. All the projection that I'm getting is still going on. I'm getting accused of not moving on, and it still going on. The clinging won't stop. So, you're right, you do need to brace yourself.

Meh. He can do whatever he wants. All it will cost me is $ because, like everyone else, I will forward whatever monstering crap he creates to my lawyer. The thing is, though, I believe mine does want the divorce--he just won't like what he's going to have to pay. In some ways, he was fairly meek about the proposed settlement. Not that he won't pay--more like he can't afford to pay. And honestly, he's had two weeks to get himself an attorney and respond to mine. As far as I know, he hasn't, so this is his own doing. Plus, most of the time mine raises his hackles then backs down when someone puts him in his place. Beneath it all, he's a meek child.

[MsT]

When we say get out of their way, it's not only for our own protection but to help them progress. This is the issue I see with clingers--when they can't detach from us, how are they supposed to figure out that we aren't the source of their misery?

Not only that, but how can we really learn to break the "fix it" cycle if we are right there, trying to gently nudge them in the right direction? And on that note, if we are hovering above them, gently nudging them down the tunnel or whatever allegory, is there ever going to be a genuine integration of selves?

[Anjae]

You're welcome, Medusa.

When we say get out of their way, it's not only for our own protection but to help them progress. This is the issue I see with clingers--when they can't detach from us, how are they supposed to figure out that we aren't the source of their misery?

I don't know, Medusa, but they do it. RCR husband was a clinger. He come out of MLC. There are others here with clingers, or even with wallowers (the normal way of the MLCer who is almost always in open depression and never leaves) who are seeing progress.

There are people here who have not seen, or exchanged a word, with their MLCer in years, and the MLCer is still inside the tunnel.

In fact, in my case, since I turned my über clinger into a vanisher, but putting space between us and cutting contact, I think I may had prolonged his time in the tunnel. I do not feel bad or guilty about it. I could no longer live, heal, had space, with Mr J clinginess and always wanting to have a piece of me.

[Medusa]

I was thinking about that after I hit post, Anjae. And yet, if I'm remembering correctly, RCR went long periods without contact from him. I saw a timeline somewhere when I first came here (and have never been able to find it again) that so effectively demonstrated his touch & go's.

When I say leave them to it, I mean we need to not try to manipulate the process and just focus on ourselves. Certainly some with clingers are able to do this, but I do think it's got to be a whole lot more difficult.

I don't necessarily disagree that creating a vanisher doesn't prolong the process or perhaps even help them get stuck, but the problem is, we don't know what would have happened if we did something different. We do give them messages of rejection, and that may well contribute to them spinning in the tunnel. But we don't really know, do we? Yours might have become a vanisher all on his own. Mine might have found the gonads to leave all on his own. We pushed them away because it's what we had to do for ourselves.

I've stopped second-guessing what's happened. I can't change it; I can only learn from it.

[Anjae]

If I'm not mistaken, RCR never went much more than weeks, maybe couple of months top, without contact from/with her husband. RCR husband left 8 times "though a few of those were only a few days, most were a few months in duration." from My Story http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/my-story.html

So, they have always been in close contact, even if, at times, it may not had been daily. That is very different than years without contact.

Agree, we need to not try to manipulate the process and just focus on ourselves. Which is what we all end up doing. At first it is difficult, with time we learn it.

I'm fairly certain that if I had not cut contact I would had went insane.  As for Mr J, yes, of course he could had become a vanisher on his own. At a point, I think it was 50/50, I was cutting contact, he was getting more distant.

[Passiflora]

So, they have always been in close contact, even if, at times, it may not had been daily. That is very different than years without contact.

I'm soon up to aprox 16 months or so of total "silent treatment" from my vanisher. The only thing happening during this time is one indirect thing he maybe wanted me to react to, xh taking out rent from our youngest son living in OUR house (he can't do this since we own the house together) and one direct thing he ordered a credit card from a company (I haven't reacted to anything). Anyway, I think this behavior is sick, I can't find any other word for it. You have known a person for over 20-30 years sometimes and then they vanish, abuse or not abuse, OW or not OW. It's like a 3 year old in a grown persons body, hiding under the bed or something. I know my dad vanished from me 5 years or so and I did not think about it so much as I do now but to vanish completely is some really screwed/controlling/abusing or what ever tactic it is!

If someone knows the psychological reasons behind it, I would like to know!