[OldPilot]

If someone knows the psychological reasons behind it, I would like to know!

Read up on depression!

[Rollercoasterider]

I was thinking about that after I hit post, Anjae. And yet, if I'm remembering correctly, RCR went long periods without contact from him. I saw a timeline somewhere when I first came here (and have never been able to find it again) that so effectively demonstrated his touch & go's.

I think you may be confused with his in-and-outs versus us not having contact. He moved in and out, but contact continued. Two weeks was probably the longest and that was rare and if we didn't see each other there was the phone or email.
Here's the post with the timeline: The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera

[Trustandlove]

I was the one who started the off-and-on thread, years ago -- it was then pointed out to me that I had a pretty classic boomerang, rather than an off-and-on, who would have contacted once every few months, possibly.

So I'm afraid what I thought was an off-and-on wasn't, what I was seeing was more of the cycling that is described.  He would come towards me, then run.  This has been repeated in cycles of varying length for many years now. 

I've never had a clinger, at least not in the sense that I think RCR defines it as:  as one who wants to remain married while having his other life as well.  Trouble is, he's never been able to articulate what he wants, or at least it changes with whatever else is going on in his life. 

Mind didn't start d proceedings until nearly 5 years in; he also never finished them, although those threats come up now and again. 

Mine has opened up at various points in this mess; that gives me some insight, then he runs again and it hurts again. 

The pros of this are that you learn better to deal with it all; you learn to respond rather than to react, all that.

The cons are that no matter how hard you work to detach, let go, surrender, you always have something to deal with.   Right now it's a combination of monster and more avoiding behaviours, which is very weird.  And the odd bit of "normal" mixed in, just to add to the confusion. 

[Thunder]

I think every situation, though similar, is so very different.  No one knows what truly works or why.

The longest we went without contact, in 5 years, was 2 weeks.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if my H had found someone else my story would have been very different.

I remained in contact for various reasons.  He was not abusive and he didn't Monster at me.  We pretty much stayed on good terms...even though he never changed his mind about divorcing me.   

I remained physical with him.  I suppose because there was no rational reason not to.  The way I looked at it, and please no 2x4's, was I figured that was one area I knew him best. 
I'm not stupid, I know MLCer's don't leave their spouses and find ow's/om's just for sex.  It's deeper than that but I saw how I had turned away from him for a few years, probably my own crisis, and figured it was worth a shot to try to right things. 

I won't say much more because I still don't know how this will play out, but for now things are good.
I guess sometimes you just have to follow your gut.

[Passiflora]

If someone knows the psychological reasons behind it, I would like to know!

Read up on depression!

I have, but it still hard to really understand it when you have not experienced it yourself, isn't it?

[Medusa]

I was thinking about that after I hit post, Anjae. And yet, if I'm remembering correctly, RCR went long periods without contact from him. I saw a timeline somewhere when I first came here (and have never been able to find it again) that so effectively demonstrated his touch & go's.

I think you may be confused with his in-and-outs versus us not having contact. He moved in and out, but contact continued. Two weeks was probably the longest and that was rare and if we didn't see each other there was the phone or email.
Here's the post with the timeline: The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera

Thanks for the link, RCR. Funny how that particular visual stuck with me! And yes, I may well be confused. My memory is rubbish, anyway, and I read that very early on.

Since mine moved out at my request, our contact has been about once a month. Most of the time he initiates because he wants something (eg the monster is hungry) although there have been three times since separation that we've had a semblance of normalcy (if one considers chatting with him at his mom's funeral while OW is standing watching normal!). Perhaps he is boomeranging and I don't recognize it.

Part of me doesn't care what type he is since I'm done. But the part that does care is interested because I don't want him to continue to be a thorn for the rest of my life. We have two kids and I'd like for us to be able to be cordial whenever we have to be together but, otherwise, stay out of each other's lives.

I suppose this goes right back to what Anjae said regarding influencing their type. I believe mine had to be shoved from the nest and had to let go of me in order to move through his tunnel. I did my part my making him go. The rest is up to him.

[OldPilot]

If someone knows the psychological reasons behind it, I would like to know!

Read up on depression!

I have, but it still hard to really understand it when you have not experienced it yourself, isn't it?

Yes - agreed their is no LOGIC to it, except after you  understand it actually their is logic  and it works in the way of opposite what you would expect.

And Passiflora - you have never been depressed?
Never had someone die or feel like staying in bed all day?
Never had the energy to do things that you used to love?
Had no appetite - lost weight on the LBS diet?
Yup you probably have experienced it but
like are MLC'ers are in denial about that.

There are 2 types of depression overt and covert, I would guess that the vanishers have
more overt(obvious) depression whereas someone with covert depression
shows high energy replay antics.
More yelling and screaming and carrying about.
Probably more of a clinger than a vanisher.
But that is just a guess on my part.

[Nas]

I read so much about depression and never fully "got it" and when my H first left I absolutely could not for the life of me wrap my head around how he could not contact me at all as if I didn't exist anymore - Passiflora, you may have already read it, but the book The Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield is the one that really drove it home for me. 

[Reallytrying]

I think many I us have felt depressed but that doesn't mean we have depression. I know what it is about clinically but like Passiflora I have never experienced it myself. I have felt sad in many instances including when grieving my best friend but the the hopeless, despair associated with depression I can thankfully say I am not familiar with.

[Trustandlove]

Depression is definitely at the core of it all; trouble is, they won't admit it.  As my H is one who has from time to time opened up I get some insight into this -- at least I see that it is there, rather.  My H's clingier tendencies come out when things are really awful for him, and that is when he comes toward me -- sometimes directly asking for help, sometimes in other ways.  If we happen to be talking at one of those times I can see it -- and he's got as far as practically opening up completely, but then shuts down with a slam. 

The last conversation we had actually included depression -- it gave me a chance to say that it wasn't a weakness.  He then asked what it was -- an illness?  I said a condition.  But this was never overtly discussed as applying to him; rather about a close friend of our who killed himself years ago -- IMO the trigger for this whole mess. 

But when the conversations take a turn he doesn't like, i.e. that he would have to face himself in some way, they either get shut down with an "I don't want to" (fix anything)  or monster comes out, saying that I'm the one causing the trouble.

And when he slams the door down the next step seems to be more running away behaviours.  I can't say "MLC antics", really, because it's been so long, but there is definitely a pattern that when things get rough he literally runs away, usually overseas. I think his inner thinking is "there's nothing wrong with me that a divorce/exotic holiday/new woman/new toy won't cure". 

So that goes back to the advantages and disadvantages -- when you see this up close there is more opportunity to get hurt (hence the importance of detachment, yes of course), but you do see more of the process -- it isn't pretty.