[Any midlife crisis victims who can share their experiences during their transition]

Any midlife crisis victims who can share their experiences during their transition

What went through your mind

2 (66.7%)

Did you really stop loving your spouse

1 (33.3%)

Total Members Voted: 3

[1trouble]

Hi Blue

I collected a huge amount of info on things MLC'ers have said about how they felt looking back and what they said to their spouses after the event and I posted it on here for people to read, but just tried to find it and it appears it has been taken down for some reason, I don't know why.....

If you want me to send it to you just let me know

[xyzcf]

1trouble...I think this is from the thread where you posted so much that you had accumulated

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7386.msg481344#msg481344

It starts there and continues for several pages.

[Samurai]

I think the difference between MLC and a simply bad marriage is that before MLC the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the next day they wake up not loving us anymore and can't see any way that we will be together again. Without even trying to fix any problems.

[Anjae]

Here is a link for her thread with several stories of people who have had MLC. The thread has link to other threads and stories. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2600.0

[hawk]

l know l gave up for a good few yrs but for reason.

But w , she's a real 50/ 50 mix of mlc that's why she's so hard to tell bc a marriage was gone bad too even if temporarily .
She was even early menopausing 2yrs before bd and l know, no wonder she'd changed so much. People right through my threads have said she's still depressed too.

So to this day l really just still can't tell which one it really is for her where as for me it was pretty clear , to me anyway.

[BlueBittz]

I wonder....after reading numerous MLC behaviors..i think i am the one who is going through that. I think i have pushed my husband and daughter away, without realizing it. I have had all the " syptoms" except i was never unfaithful to my husband. I am currently in deep depression, feel lost, not motivated at the moment, but now that i am forced to look back, trying to find answers of why all this happened....i remember being so fisty, angry, bored of my job and home life, wanted to disappear....i cut all communication with family (who are difficult to deal with anyway) and never stopped to think about how my behavior was affecting everyone...i just wanted to disappear (36 years old when it started). After quitting my job, i was not able to get back on my feet for about a year. Was lost in a mist (still am)....and here i am pointing fingers at my husband!!!.....i feel more lost now...did i provoke the failure of marriage? Now i feel more like sh*t for not seeing things clearly when i had the chance to...was too busy lamenting on how terrible my life was.  Or did he project all this on me??....i am so confused right now....i think that standing and waiting for him will only hurt my self esteem even more. He said he gave up, that he tried (never sat down to discuss what was bothering him). Im taking it a day at a time, but feel that learning how to let go is also allowing me to stop loving him also...it still hurts to think that he stopped loving me and actually went ahead and dated someone else, but i am feeling physically sick due to all this stress and think it would be better off moving on and leaving him behind like he did with me.😰😭😢😓😓

Here's another piece that I found which gives some insight into the mlc-er viewpoint. Not sure where it came from, but from THS certainly.

I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of OM before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile, though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 (SP: 3 years....) I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN.
I had all my family in support of my efforts.
Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.
He stood for over 2 years, though.
Alone.
Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.
You might think that's a shame.
But the rest of my story is still being written.
I don't know why I wrote all that.
There are some new people here I guess.
Trying to determine if there's hope.
Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.
To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.
This isn't just her journey.
You're also here for a reason.

_____________________________________________________________________________
As for me being in MLC was sort of like marbles rolling around in my head and maybe even my heart. It was a dull pain, I cried a lot so I justfied my behavior by being mean and using other people's niceness to me as their weakness and took advantage. I often thought that running away was the answer. If only I could get away from all of these nagging people who had made my life so miserable all of this time. CRAZY.
It did not feel "Bag Ladyish" to me but felt heavy. That is the only way to describe it. HEAVY. You are not in your right mind at all and you feel justified. I know one thing for sure. She will have to come to you when she feels that it is safe to do so. Not to give false hope but if she is looking that bad/lost ... she needs a friend. Maybe you could just reach out as a friend. Nothing heavy, just a touching base sort
of thing so that she can see that she can feel safe when she is ready. Just my thoughts, wish you well.
Oh, before I forget... Not uncommon for friends and family to sort of pull back from the MLCer. I recently spoke with MIL and SIL both of whom state that H is in a place where no one can go and that he will have to find his way out. When this all started to go down his older brother went to see H everyday. His sister called often and sent emails frequently, came in at least twice from Florida. His best friend called often. No one comes near it now.

[BlueBittz]

Thanks....going through it right now!😓😓😓😓

Here is a link for her thread with several stories of people who have had MLC. The thread has link to other threads and stories. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2600.0

[xyzcf]

BlueBittz,

I have just read your first thread about what happened in your marriage. It is quite normal for us to blame ourselves and yes, we do play a part BUT, if there were problems in the relationship, why did our spouses run away instead of attempting to look at what the problems were, get some help, talk to us about their unhappiness? Instead, they leave and do only what they want without any regard for us.

This is from your first post:

He had completely blocked me emotionally since bomb drop day. He treated me as if i was a roommate...never stopped assuming his responsibilities with bills, etc....but i became another peace of furniture. He came and went whenever he wanted and god forbid if i asked him anything about his whereabouts. I tried letting him be and we barely spoke about anything besides what he wanted for dinner. I tried i really did to, but he pushed me away...never let me in.

I was willing to fix this, but he said it was to late to try...that it was over..that no longer loved me the same. When i asked him what went wrong he said ... " it was a combination of things" but was never able to pin point them. He then started to criticized how i dressed, walked ( said that my walk is slow), my cooking, said i was a terrible house wife (that i was messy). Said i was lazy and so much more which i prefer to forget...to painful. He said he does not desire me as a woman . I felt so ugly and disgusted for so long and still do. Now coming back to todays date...divorce will be finalized in april of 2016... He does not want to talk about anything that has to do with our broken relationship...he become extremely angry...says to me that i have to stop living in the past and live my life, to move on...that i bother him..that im needy and pathetic.

I feel as if i was thrown into a pitch black pit of hell, blinded and bruised beyond repair and spit on from above by him, while he succeeds in his career, along with a successful lover beside him.  I have to depend on him economically for everything after i was fired back in december due to the depression after finding out about affair. I feel powerless, humiliated and misunderstood. What happened to my caring and loving husband. A person who i trusted and loved. We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union. We were one. I feel so lost.

As you continue to read and learn about MLC, you will be able to see that this doesn't make any sense. You stated

We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union.

Do you think this would have been the case if you were the one who was the reason for him leaving? Many of us had good marriages, marriages that others looked at as an example of how married life should be....we were not the only ones who saw it, others did too and then WHAM.....we are left asking so many questions and they will not even attempt to help us to understand why?

[BlueBittz]

Yes....i am soooo confused...im trying to find reason why this happened...it feels surreal. To make matters worse, i am stranded at home, in bed (going on to 3 months), because i cant function. This has destroyed me beyond measure. I try so hard to snap out of it and try to view this in a positive way, but the anger, the betrayal and the confussion has left me mentally and emotionally handicap. I see everyone going about their lives so normal, without a care in the world...time passes by so slowly but at the same time so fast leaving me feeling stuck and left behind.

My daughter left to live with my mother (D16), because she said she did not want to deal with me (all i ask her is to cooperate with home chores and not miss school). Damn if i do damn if i dont....i feel like im expected to move on, stay silent, dont complain or share my fustration (even if i try to have a normal conversation about whats going on). It seems as if its better of starting a new life elsewhere, new family, new friends...where no one knows me...feel wanted and loved and at least aknowleged and respected.

The worst feeling a woman can feels is havibg to deal with the regection of a partner she loves and a child she loves...having to accept that one no longer has a family...that it was all a lie. That all the sacrifice and effort put in to hold things together was in vain....realizing that as a wife and mother one CANT fall apart at any given time because you will be replaced or dismissed as useless. At least thats how i intrepret all this.....how else should i see it?..

I was not even worth a chance to discuss things....i was not given an opportunity to be heard or understood...i was forced to face a reality that i feel was not even necesary...a reality that i see has not affected anyone but me.😭😢

BlueBittz,

I have just read your first thread about what happened in your marriage. It is quite normal for us to blame ourselves and yes, we do play a part BUT, if there were problems in the relationship, why did our spouses run away instead of attempting to look at what the problems were, get some help, talk to us about their unhappiness? Instead, they leave and do only what they want without any regard for us.

This is from your first post:

He had completely blocked me emotionally since bomb drop day. He treated me as if i was a roommate...never stopped assuming his responsibilities with bills, etc....but i became another peace of furniture. He came and went whenever he wanted and god forbid if i asked him anything about his whereabouts. I tried letting him be and we barely spoke about anything besides what he wanted for dinner. I tried i really did to, but he pushed me away...never let me in.

I was willing to fix this, but he said it was to late to try...that it was over..that no longer loved me the same. When i asked him what went wrong he said ... " it was a combination of things" but was never able to pin point them. He then started to criticized how i dressed, walked ( said that my walk is slow), my cooking, said i was a terrible house wife (that i was messy). Said i was lazy and so much more which i prefer to forget...to painful. He said he does not desire me as a woman . I felt so ugly and disgusted for so long and still do. Now coming back to todays date...divorce will be finalized in april of 2016... He does not want to talk about anything that has to do with our broken relationship...he become extremely angry...says to me that i have to stop living in the past and live my life, to move on...that i bother him..that im needy and pathetic.

I feel as if i was thrown into a pitch black pit of hell, blinded and bruised beyond repair and spit on from above by him, while he succeeds in his career, along with a successful lover beside him.  I have to depend on him economically for everything after i was fired back in december due to the depression after finding out about affair. I feel powerless, humiliated and misunderstood. What happened to my caring and loving husband. A person who i trusted and loved. We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union. We were one. I feel so lost.

As you continue to read and learn about MLC, you will be able to see that this doesn't make any sense. You stated

We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union.

Do you think this would have been the case if you were the one who was the reason for him leaving? Many of us had good marriages, marriages that others looked at as an example of how married life should be....we were not the only ones who saw it, others did too and then WHAM.....we are left asking so many questions and they will not even attempt to help us to understand why?

[hawk]

lt's probably just too hard on your d to deal with Blue, she's only 16 , her dads took off , she couldn't cope with all that and your stuff alone too plus her own life . Give her time ,don't give up on her . l don't think she had a choice.

As for h , well just touching on it for now. But l was of the rails for about 2yrs but there was somuch going on in our life too , it was about the worst time to cave in and let w thinkk l just didn't want the marriage anymore , yet she was going thtough all this very very heavy stuff that she;d hid from me on top of it , perfect storm.

l can see why she fave up at the time but l just can't see why she never actually talked to me and complained for 12mths first , before giving up. And then around bd , when everything came out from both of us , why she didn't stay to try and give it time , we would have been fine in time now that we both knew what was going on.

So , similar to your h , just gave up and walked.  l get what happened with us over about 3 yrs but so what , marriages go through rough times , so does life, but that part l don't get at all.