[hopeful59]

My H was very secretive and angry.  I felt that he was hiding something and that something was causing him a great deal of guilt/anger.  Two weeks ago he admitted to having a physical affair about 18 months ago and since that confession things seem to have improved a little.  The part I am having difficulty with is being able to trust him.  He lied to me, our kids and basically everyone for a long time.  He has stopped seeking out justification of his actions.  Don't know what all this means but I am cautiously optimistic.

[HeartsBlessing]

Is this behaviour typical of a vanisher and what causes them to be this way?  Also, does this behaviour reduce the chances of a reconciliation?

Somewhere in their minds they KNOW what they are doing is wrong; and some never intended to leave the marriage in the first place; but most KNOW that if they say anything; blowing the affair out into the open, they could find themselves divorced.

And some don't want that, as they know within their hearts they will return to the LBS..what they don't know is that it's possible the LBS might NOT want them back...they don't realize this until much later in the crisis; when all of the damage is shown to them in living color.

This possibility should be a very scary thought; but if they do have that thought, it is "put aside" for what they think is "better things" for the moment...it's not something they want to dwell on, for they have convinced themselves the LBS will always be there for them...and the LBS in this instance is taken for granted.


Some of the secretiveness is selfishness on their part; some of it shame and guilt; but the excitement is to much of a "high" to give up, just yet.

For some, they wanted the friendship; but things went much farther than they intended them to go; and it's kept secret out of guilt and shame.

It's ALSO typical teenage behavior; and the LBS is viewed as someone who could really make trouble for them, if they knew what the MLC'er was doing.

You know, kinda like the girlfriend/boyfriend that mom/dad doesn't approve of...and they are intent on getting what they want, regardless of who it hurts.

Mine was NOT a vanisher; but his behavior in keeping the affair he had a secret was much the same; NO ONE had contact with his OW, but him...she was a dirty little secret that was being blown open by me; and the only thing he didn't realize was that HE was telling on himself the WHOLE time...I didn't know until nearly the end, that the emotional "signs" had there all that time...I just didn't see them until I started doing some research on the internet..and those signs jumped out at me; plus a whole lot more as he was trying to end it; and he, unknowingly, when the affair went physical, brought home evidence that he was and had been with another woman.

The above has nothing to do with anything; but secretiveness is a common MLC trait...they think they have it over on the LBS; not really knowing the LBS has ways of finding out what he/she wants to know, IF they really want to know.

[faithful with Love]

HB,
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through even over death..Knowing that my H is knowing that he is having an affair in front of my face. I focuse on me but somehow he knows how to pull me back in and then the next day it is back to being distance. I feel stupid for falling for the pattern because it feels so good to get his attenetion and affection when he gives it knowing all along he has the ow. Last night was good..but today it is back to "I think that I am going out Sat and I dont want to fight about it". I feel like I have no say in anything because he doesnt listen to me and does what he wants if I say anything then it is "this is why I go out". "she is just a friend and she will always be a friend". I have watched this for 1 year adn 7months..trying so hard to keep my family together. Keep it as normal as possible for the kids. He also said he has to been seen out and show his face..but I know that he is with her most of the nights that he is out. How do they do that and come home to us and act like everything is normal? I want to scream at the top of my lungs and then I just sit down and cry because I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this. It is like I am nothing to him NOTHING..All I have is memories of the last 17 years. We use to be best friends..did everything together.. He was so proud to have me and now I am replaced by a younger woman who is nothing and he has said she is needy and has no self respect adn  a homewrecker. Then why

[Still]

I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this.

This has always been the most difficult concept for me.

[faithful with Love]

Still,
I dont understand and no matter what I read or how impowered I become I feel that there is no way out of this. If I am the good person or the evil person it is a no win. I am told that I am a good woman, sexy, loving, have great faith and yet he treats me like I dont matter. My feelings do not count.  I am struggling because he is still in the house and goes on as if nothing is happening or has happened. But looking at his new tatoos that she bought him and his ring finger without his ring is a reminder of her everyday. I know none of us thought we would be here..I thought that he would love me forever. I dont know what need she is giving him but I know he will not allow me to fill any now. I want to be the great wife to him again as I was before all of this but he wont let me. I know the affair has slowed down but I still can not expect that he has done this to me or himself. Trying to get a grip..reading everything I can on MLC and affair but it doesnt help with the pain. HOW CAN HE DO THIS and think it is okay? HE CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HER. HE CAN NOT HANG WITH HER. I know it is all crap but I shut my mouth now and just watch while dying inside. I am so lonely, and want to love and be loved. I want my happiness back and having to see him takes it away and then at the same time I want him and my marriage. Im stuck. One day life is great and the next they rip it from you.

[Still]

(((faithful)))

I know how much you are hurting. Believe it or not, the MLC'er hurts, too. What they are trying to do is relieve their own pain, stop the aging, go back to a point when they were more (fill in the blank). The problem is that you can never go back. We are a total of our life experiences. The MLC'er gets to a point when they believe they are missing out, somehow life shortchanged them and they need to grasp all that they can before it gets too late. It is selfish, it is self-serving, it is self-absorbed. Fortunately, for most people, it eventually ends.

This truly isn't about you. What happens to you is simply a by-product of what he is going through. One day, he will see this for what it was.

The only thing that has truly helped me when I was at my lowest was giving it over to God. Sometimes we are simply mortals and we need a higher power to take over. This is a horrible, awful season in our lives, but it is only one season. Remember the good things about your life, find what makes you happy, take the focus off your husband. You will find joy again....you really will.

[faithful with Love]

((((Aww Still))),
Thank you so much... I have given it to God and then I slip back... I pray adn respent to God that I am sorry and that I am in his way again. I guess my whole piont to this is I focuse on myself and kids. I do what makes me happy. And happiness to me are the kids and being home for them. I LOVE being a mom.. and this is their time..I guess when I look back my happiess times were with my h. We have been together sense we were late teens. And it is winter here so I am a homebody..I love to watch movies and talk with my girlfriends on the phone. All my friends are always busy with there lives and families and H. I love to go get my nails and feet done. My hair done and eat out with the kids. But there is something always missing...and it is my h. Here I am watching our kids grow and they are watching their dad go out all the time. IN the last year and 7 months he goes out every weekend but the last two weekends he has been home but goes to bed early. What is that??? Now he is back at it with telling me he is going out this weekend. I see the pattern. Still, how did you detach? Was he still in the home? How long did his last? I know it is a season and I pray God brings him back to me and he see me as the lighthouse. Oh so confused. Im sorry, I dont mean to go on and on....Please help me to detach I need some guidance on this...cause what I am doing is not helping..I feel like I am the crazy one.

[LoveMeMyself]

Hi, Faithful.  this is a terrible, terrible, experience.  I know, like most of us here, have NEVER experienced so much hurt and pain in our lives!  I never dreamed I would be dealing with something like this.  I sometimes sit and remember a few times my xH and I would see an older man with either a younger woman or fancy little sports car (or both) and joke about "midlife crisis"...........well, it certainly isn't a joke that's for sure.  I am so grateful and truly impressed with everything this site provides.  I wish I had found it a long time ago.  I actually signed up for the "free" emails from RCR which became truly helpful in learning all about MLC.  I did a lot of reading and research on my own as well.  But, finding so many others going through this dreadful experience along with me has been more than helpful. Sometimes very sad but also I'm still learning.  I don't have much contact with my xH as we are divorced and do not have children but I'm standing for myself and for the man I love with all my heart.  I sometimes find myself thinking and going over and over this craziness asking why, why, why?  But, I've also learned how to stop myself from torturing me.  It's not easy but the more I do it the easier it gets.  I also (sometimes) find myself "secretly" laughing at my xH.........funny things he did/said or how he "looked" at times.  I've NEVER laughed to his face. 

You hang in there and try your best to focus on yourself while caring and loving him from afar.

Take care of youself.

((((HUGS))))

[faithful with Love]

LoveMyMan,
Did he leave you? or was it mutal? Is he with ow? Im so scared. He is all I know. Oh why is this happening. I just want something to make sense.
I am here venting today... can you tell??? I dont remember the last time he told me he loved me. I dont remember the words. Its been so long. I am assuming we waffle also. The rollercoaster. I sleep next to him every night and miss his touch.. or "I love you baby sleep good". Or the little notes that he would leave in the morning. They suck the good out dont they. They suck us dry and keep sucking. He knows I am wanting this marriage to work. He knows I am trying.. I have worked on myself so much...but I can not show him as he will not give me that chance. All about him. When he talks it is all about his work, the complaiments he gets, what he is going to do, what he needs, about the truck or how he looks, money, going out, who texted him, who called him, when I talk he doesnt pay attention. Only if it is about him or the kids. I need to just step out of the way. I have no place in his life anymore except for cleaning, paying bills, cooking, and being a beautiful wife as it reflects him. What a joke. Now I just went from sad to mad... geessshhhh... This is not my life.. man

[Still]

Still, how did you detach?

It took me a long time to do this and I still slip from time to time. I had a lot of help from this and other forums. Most people around us do not understand the situation. They want us to stop hurting and they believe that leaving the marriage is the only way to do that. The concept of standing is simply not something most people comprehend.

Each day, I start with exercise, prayer and meditation. I ask God for strength and endurance on this path. To open my eyes to things that I need to see and to fill my heart with forgiveness. I ask for his guidance in being a better mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, volunteer, and wife. Most importantly, I ask for His Will to be done in my life. Then, of course, I pray for all of you.

After that my day becomes about my kids and me. I show my kids that no matter what, we can find happiness in things around us. We make good memories every day.

Was he still in the home?

He is still in the home. His crisis began 4/2008 after he became ill at a sporting event.

How long did his last?

like the Energizer bunny......still going.

....Please help me to detach I need some guidance on this...cause what I am doing is not helping..I feel like I am the crazy one.

I am posting a link to Laura Munson's story. When her husband went into MLC, she declared the "end of suffering".

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=4&em