[journey to self]

Hello everyone.   I don't post that often as my H is a vanisher (BD April 2010) and I am in NC once again after a touch and go in November/December last year so not much happening for me, except that  I am now really getting the 'detach and let go' thing and am moving forward with my life.  It really does get easier.

I am sorry if this has already been answered in an earlier post or in one of the Articles or Newsletters, but I would like to know why are MLC'rs so secretive?

My H has been gone for over 9 months now and no-one knows where he is staying, who he is staying with (OW) or really anything about his current life.   He has no contact with me, our son, his family or my family.   It is as if he has just vanished off the face of the planet.  He has never introduced the OW to his family or even mentions her. 

Is this behaviour typical of a vanisher and what causes them to be this way?  Also, does this behaviour reduce the chances of a reconciliation?

[LoveMeMyself]

JTS,

    This is a very good and interesting question.  I'm not sure if my xH is considered a "Vanisher" or not.  At first we had a lot of contact even though he left.  We are divorced now and the communication is almost none......even though it's somewhat "touch n go" with him.  He seems to be very "secretive" also........nobody knows what he's doing but I do know where he lives.  Don't think there's an OW right now even though there were two OW's before.  I wonder if they feel as if this is their life thus no need for anybody to know anything.  I don't really know the answer but I'll be watching for others to voice their thoughts as well.  I'm especially interested in the question about chances for reconciliation or not.  Very good one indeed.

[xyzcf]

It may be because they are acting like a teenager and or they really don't care..they feel they can live their life as they please so they do not need to "answer" to anyone.

Hard isn't it? I know where my H is (or at least his office location and phone numbers) but I don't know if he's actually a vanisher since I am the one who asked for NC and he is respecting that. He was secretive about stuff though and our daughter remarked on that as well.

My H does have contact with our daughter..I am sorry that yours is not having contact with your son. Very worrisome.

[BonBon]

I have no idea the answer to your question but I would think that perhaps they are secretive because they might be embarassed...of course they would never, ever admit that to anyone, including themselves....so they probably take the "It's my life and it's no one else's business" attitude.  Or maybe the "No one understands me so why should I put myself out there just to get criticized" attitude.

I'm purely guessing here.  But it's based on attitudes I've seen and read about.

I doubt it would affect the reconcilliation chances but again, just guessing.  It just seems to me they all have the attitudes I've listed above, just in varying degrees.

Bonnie

[Glimmer]

I agree with XYZCF.

I think their behaviour is very much like a teenager's.   They see us as a 'parent' who only wants to stop them having fun. I think it is their way of rebelling by seeing how far they can push us and do not feel they should have to answer to anyone. They think the whole world revolves around them.

My H is a clinging boomerang. I have been NC for the last three weeks. Even though I have told him I will have nothing to do with him as long he is involved with OW, he keeps on and on trying to get me to give in and speak to him.  If you can imagine a 15year old who has been grounded, trying to get their parents to change their mind. That is the image I have of my H. Sometimes it helps to think of them in that way when talking to them.

[OldPilot]

It may be because they are acting like a teenager

I think that this is the right answer.

MLC is when they go back and re-live their teenage years.
So I guess the real question.
If you have a teenager why are they so secretive?
I am sure it has something to do with hormones but that would be my best guess.

[Mermaid]

Hi,
We're all speculating a bit, because each case is different.

I don't know if this helps, but at one point my H felt like disappearing of the face of the Earth, and starting again. He didn't, as you know, but he explained how he felt so pressured by his life, that his life was not his own, and that something had gone wrong. As a perfectionist, it was unbearable not to have everything perfct. There were also a lot of things that he wanted for his life, and hadn't achieved (a common theme in ML I think), so this idea of beginning again was to address those dreams.

There are cases of vanishers who don't return ( I know of at least one), and those who do (I know one too). Do you remember the series "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin"? He leaves his life by faking suicide, takes on a new persona, but eventually gets on with his life.

I suppose it depends on what they learn from their disconnection with life, and what they think they want. It's hard to speculate without knowing what's in their head.

I'm glad you're feeling better by getting on with your life!

[ece711]

The question is...  are they secretive or in their prospective they are practicing NC on us?  Remember in their state of mind after proclaiming that they want to be free they will GAL, and while GALing we are the last thing in their minds.

[Mermaid]

The question is...  are they secretive or in their prospective they are practicing NC on us?  Remember in their state of mind after proclaiming that they want to be free they will GAL, and while GALing we are the last thing in their minds.

I think it's true; in their perspective we don't exist. Out of site, out of mind... it's necessary for them to feel they can rebuild...

[faithful with Love]

I am new to the MLC but not the affair part. I find that if they are secertive then they dont have to explain themselves and they know that you would be upset if you knew. My h never tells me where he is going or who he is with (which I have stopped asking). It is like a game to them I think also. They are hiding something of course otherwise why not tell..My h use to tell me all the time where he was or going.. he never had restrictions because I trusted him in that sense.

So I agree...they become teenages, partying, living the high life, and the only people who get to know where they are will be the OW and new friends that you dont know of..