[in it]

It is a bit unrealistic due to the memories  ( and some triggers) of the ex you have and not refer to that... be it a trip or any other way you can relate to other people. I have a friend who I probably would not have met if not for him.

And there's still really good times the ex and I had with her and her husband that she and I still laugh about.

 It was a long term relationship whether you see it in hindsight as healthy or unhealthy.

From my perspective I do agree a death is easier in quite a few ways. To grieve the relationship (you thought you had) and people who are still living isn't an easy thing to do.

I do not hate the ex. I'm working on being indifferent. Unconditional love? I'm doing the kindest thing for me this time is NC and and heal and not  deal with him.

I love me more than to listen to and expose myself to the negativity, abuse, or the drama he added to my life during the course of the relationship.

If the NC benefits him? That works for me.

I can and have forgiven him before I could do that I had to forgive myself . Mostly for being human and not perfect..that doesn't mean I have to have anything to do with him. To me that's not holding a grudge. I call it self respect.

I agree. I love my children unconditionally. I simply will not put up with them thinking they can treat me the same way he did.

[Thunder]

But InIt, haven't you ever been talking to someone about some place maybe you and your XH went and you said..oh yes, we went there before?  It's a fun place to go.

Would you feel you couldn't mention that because of the reaction people would have?

I just think there is a difference between a widow making that statement as opposed to a divorced person saying it.
Either should be acceptable.  It's still part of our past experiences, our history.

I'm thinking that may be what UL is getting at. 
Is it UL?  Or am I misunderstanding?

[in it]

To be honest T- I have practiced simply saying:

 "  I have been there before and had a good time. If you get a chance check out this restaurant. The food was great". Or "The beach was really nice". Or maybe recommend a hotel.

I simply edit the ex out.

It's not because of the reaction people might have due to it. It simply helps me move passed the relationship.

Same as not saying or typing MY ex. (I don't own him or have any claim and have no interest or investment in him)

I find it much more healing for me to refer to him as "the ex". If I have too.

[Reallytrying]

I had this same problem the other day. My tendency was to say "my h blah blah blah". That felt weird and made me feel like people think I'm crazy. I've gotten better now at just refering to him by his first name. However, I am unwilling to write him out of my stories just because I think someone else wants me to. Regardless of where we are now he has been around for 25 of my 42 years - that's huge!

I actually think in the short term people are ok with it from a widow but after awhile people think  even they should put the past away. I think if every other word was H this or H that it would be a bit odd but I have no problem including him in the story if it's what feels right.

[calamity]

But InIt, haven't you ever been talking to someone about some place maybe you and your XH went and you said..oh yes, we went there before?  It's a fun place to go.

Would you feel you couldn't mention that because of the reaction people would have?

I just think there is a difference between a widow making that statement as opposed to a divorced person saying it.
Either should be acceptable.  It's still part of our past experiences, our history.

I'm thinking that may be what UL is getting at. 
Is it UL?  Or am I misunderstanding?

This is how I understood UCL.  I have felt that, what? awkwardness or shift? when I say something like, 'my h & I went to ____.'  I am of course sensitive to it but it is definitely there except when talking to other lbs's.

[UnconditionalLove]

Yes Thunder you are correct!

Thanks everyone! This is a good thread.