Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Class of 2011...changes  (Read 5781 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2016, 06:20:19 AM »
Hi Jagger,

Not sure I ever read or wrote on your thread.
My BD was also in 2011.  Over 5 years ago now.

I sure agree, after awhile you get to a point where you don't worry anymore about what you say.  You just say it.   :)

If they can't handle it..oh well.

X and I are doing pretty good.  I'm single now and rather liking it.  Marriage is no longer on my list of things to do.

You sound really good and at peace.  Good to hear from you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline onlyjo

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2016, 09:22:41 PM »
Jagger!
Not sure how I missed your new thread
My heart hurts for you re your mother...and having your MLCer up to no good during that time too-you're a tough cookie.

I'm with LIAO-MLC is a yawn.  I'm not to the point where I'm actively seeking a new R, but I might be getting there...now the question will be how to go about it-ha!!

Hope all is well and that you continue to look for, and find, peace.
Xxoo
Onlyjo

Offline JaggerTopic starter

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2016, 08:16:52 PM »
An update,  hoping to pay it forward,

It's been 5 years  and 4 months  since bd. For the newbies....my bd was pretty harsh and disgusting...and I know that is exactly how it was for you.
Please know that everything changes even when you feel that you are stuck in a terrible nightmare.

I have no real recolection of dates and time lines,  which Is a complete relief to me. Bd date is a  blurr, without any real meaning  after all ;D

All that really matters is that  my h, my very long Term partner ( together 10 years before being married  for 22 years now) went off the deep end and caused a catastrophic  amount of damage to our 3 children and  both of our families and friends.
When you take that road towards  reconciliation,  this is the hardest part, ..

In my case, the in-laws were mostly supportive of  me, his crisis  was very clear for all to see. I did have a sister in law ( that I  believe has been in some  kind of crisis herself)  that kind of road off of his crisis in peculiar ways , ironic though that this was the sibling that he did not get along  with.

In the last  two or more years , I've been lulled by my h's slow exit from the tunnel.so strange that he is starting to resemble the guy that I dated  for ten years ..the one that I married,, so sad though that it is so anticlimactic  ???

For all Intents and purposes,  we are reconciling,  and have  been for over a year now.  He showed his remorse in little gifts and acts of service mostly. Certainly  no on the floor groveling   :P unfortunately ...OR fortunately...

He is a dad..mostly, versus a Disney uncle...finally

I keep asking myself...the one who wanted to reconcile so badly In the first year after bd, are you happy now?
Is this what you wanted...for you...OR did you get what everyone else wanted...the kids, the family?

I love my family, this includes  my h, but I struggle sometimes.

Did I sacrifice myself for everyone else... my husband mostly, who gets to have his family  back, after committing treason to said family. Will I forever be the sadsack that took her husband back after all that he had Done?

Not sure...about anything at all

Hugs to all,

Jagger
 
« Last Edit: October 12, 2016, 04:33:07 PM by Anjae »

Offline calamity

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2016, 09:22:35 PM »
Nobody who knows you will think you're a sad sack.  Crazy maybe but not a sad sack. ;D   It seems that, like others have said, reconciliation is not bliss.

Thanks for the update. 

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2016, 09:29:06 PM »
Thank you for the update. I agree with C, you are a strong, healthy person asking yourself all of the questions a strong, healthy person should ask. What anyone else thinks of that is their business, but certainly, anyone with a lick of sense is right there with us.

Quote
Please know that everything changes even when you feel that you are stuck in a terrible nightmare.

Your own advice no doubt still holds for this phase too. You won't feel this way forever. Clarity will come. Lots more path still ahead. :)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Thunder

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2016, 05:52:30 AM »
Jagger,  I think it's normal to struggle after what has happened.

We were in self-survival mode for so long it takes time to safely come out of it.  Trust takes a long time.

Do you feel it was too easy for him to slide back in without an apology?  Could you maybe still have a little resentment that he didn't grovel, even just a little?

Anti-climatic.  I've heard that said before.  Like it's not exactly like we envisioned it would be.  Interesting.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2016, 06:45:20 AM »
great thread!

I can't see how anyone wouldn't have such questions and thoughts. I'm glad you shared as I think it's an important part of the process I haven't seen written about much elsewhere.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #17 on: October 12, 2016, 10:03:17 AM »
And just to add, because I think it bears repeating - it is still, and always will be, your choice. I doubt for any of us (with reconcilations or not) that this will ever really be "done" unless we choose to completely repress our feelings in favor of saving the relationship. It may be taboo to talk about (or something no one wants to think about), but I do wonder from reading return stories here and from others how many LBS choose to end the relationship or regret reconciling. In the throes of LBS despair early on its hard to imagine that outcome, but I actually think it's more likely than not for most of us that grow during this time. I don't think it has to do with seeing remorse either. My guess would be how hard it is to relate to each other after being on other sides of something like this.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #18 on: October 12, 2016, 04:40:07 PM »
Thank you for your post, Jagger.

All those questions are normal and healthy.

Little gifts and acts of service would be good enough for me. I think like pretty much everyone at BD I was on the "it has to be  floor groveling", but for me love equals little gifts and acts of service. So that would be the real important things for me. Actions, not words, like OP always says.

My guess would be how hard it is to relate to each other after being on other sides of something like this.

That would also be my guess.

gman, if you look for the light purple threads, you will find more about this part of the process. Sometimes you may have to go through the person previous threads as well. And for a more advanced part of the process, check the dark purple threads. Both here on the Community board as well as on the Story Threads, in the Archives section.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Class of 2011...changes
« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2016, 08:15:35 PM »
Thanks for the update Jagger. It's nobody's business but yours whether you take him back or not. I hope that you do what is best for you. This has always been your Journey. You get to navigate it the best way for you.
trying2bok

 

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