[MyBrainIsBroken]

Is it possible to still be in shock after almost 22 months?

[Onward]

Yes, I think so. There is no timeline on grief. I imagine there's no timeline on shock, either.

[hawk]

Is it possible to still be in shock after almost 22 months?

Most def' B so don't feel bad , l'm still in shock now.

[Reallytrying]

I think it is - especially because this came out of nowhere and changed your life completely. if your spouse had died you would obviously miss them for a very long time and no one would tell you that you should be over it 22 months later. In this case they thankfully didn't die but they are still no longer with you plus you have to deal with the complication that they chose to leave and all the emotions that come with that plus the resulting fallout from their being someone else, the loss of some friends, the complicated relationships that may now exist with family. It's essentially complicated grief is what we are all dealing with. In that instance I think it can take even longer to bounce back.  This week with the court date looming may feel even worse. Hang in there. I am still amazed every day that this is who H and I are now. I'm 3 years post noticing that things weren't right - that all started January 2013 and 2.5 years post BD and almost 2 years since he left. It gets a bit easier every day but I still struggle to think that he's not fully MY H anymore.

[hawk]

I have to talk about something but l need to use B's thread to do it for identify reasons so l hope you don't mind b and l know you won't , but l just need to get this out.

Yesterday my wifes sister just up and died . Yep , you read right.
My w didn't contact me that it was happening, my d and l had only gotten back the night before from a trip down the coast for a few days. Next morning l text d to see how she was doing as she started back at school but she says oh, we're on our way down town bc aunty s is in Hospital and they think she'll die. l'm huh ! ! ! 
So l text w and she explained sis had had a hemerage of some sort out of nowhere and they'll probably switch of life support after everyone has said goodbye. l was floored, she's 3yrs younger than w.
l text back saying oh sh@t my God so sorry w, but look knowing her it'll be a false alarm anyway so try to not to worry just yet for cert.-   l'll explain that later.
Few hours later l text d to see how things are going and sure enough they lost her . D said she was fine, she hardly knew her but she was trying to be there for mum.

This chick was a nightmare . She'd given the whole family hell since she was a few yrs old and later in life even when her own farther was at deaths door from a major heart attack in hos[ital,, she'd turned the whole world into about her and put both the dad and mum through stuff l couldn't even describe., while they ddn't even know if he'd pull through ,the whole family was stressed and worried and scared they'd lose him. Meanwhile she's leaving her kid there and sl@tting it up all over town , coming home drunk and stoned at 5am with strange guys when her own mother was home alone and worried h might go at any second, still in hospital.
She'd only just gotten back from os you see and was staying there while she got re setup. Right through , while he was in hospital through to his first few wks out, they kicked her out in the end , the mum was worried she'd kill him.
Now this place is about mlc right , monster, and the crazy and hurt that we've all been through right , seen with our own eyes. Well, all that , had just been life with s , since she was 3 or 4, and in this last 3yrs w tells me she wouldn't talk to any member of the family and hated them all yet for 40yrs , all everyone had tried to do was love her and be good to her. All the parents had ever tried to do was understand her and be there for her, love her but, now she's gone.

l text w back saying l am so sorry , r you ok, please give my best to your mum and dad and condolences , how are they coping, .
Well she explained a little about what had happened and just said thanks .
Of course she's in shock l guess to, as much as this damn women was a night mare to them all , l guess though she was still a sister and a daughter .
l've had nothing from w today . for all l know they could all be celebrating tbh,  even possibly her own parents as she'd hurt them, and hurt them , over and over , for 40yrs, she hurt everyone.

Still , l've had nothing back from w. Maybe om , if there is om , which no'one can even figure out anyway , is there for her , or maybe she's celebrating as she like the other 3 , was also hurt by the sister over and over too.
Or , maybe l'm not the man for the job anyway , l dunno , am l  ?
But l've text her since to make sure she's ok and to let her know l'm here if there's anything l can do but nothing .

Maybe there's insight for us all in tis , l'm not sure . But how damn tough can a person be even if in mlc ?
lt seems , really , really , tough. And probably even still holding her ground and stance in all this and not even wanting my support anyway even after losing a sister.
Or is it just that it was this sister ?
Or is it just that om has my job now and l should just stay the hell out of it , it's not my place anymore , maybe ?
 

[Chookie]

I'm so sorry H. What a terrible thing to happen.

The family dynamics are hard to figure out. There's no saying how this will affect your W and her family. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of analysing her and speculating on what may happen from here.

You've contacted her and let her know you're thinking of her and are concerned for her, so now just step back. She's still in MLC and will probably still see it as pressure if you keep trying to contact her. She knows what a good guy you are.

Hope D is ok. What a great kid, wanting to be there for her mum.

[Samurai]

I agree with Chookie. You offered to be there for her, it's her choice how she copes with the loss. Don't expect her to find emotional support in you. They can't.

[LaughLoveLive]

I'm sorry too Hawk. For all she might have been a difficult person it is still a shock when someone dies young, her parents and your W might even feel a bit guilty if they do feel a little relieved.  Who knows how this might affect your W, it will certainly be a reminder of her own mortality which can be a real challenge for an MLCer. I think your role is to provide what support is welcome.  And of course being there for D - she's a tough chick I know, but a death in the family is a big deal- confusing and confronting, Her mum might not be much support so she might need you.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Hawk, I'm sorry to hear about your SIL. If this is something you're not comfortable sharing on your thread then I'm glad you brought it here and of course everyone is welcome to comment on your situation.

I agree with LLL. There's no telling how this may affect your wife but MLCers don't do well with reminders of their own mortality. The fact that you SIL was a difficult person could make this even more difficult. As LLL said, if the family members feel relief then they will probably also feel some guilt as well but it's even more complicated than that because I think in these situations the family often hopes that some day the wayward member will settle down and they will be able to have a normal relationship with them and now that hope has also died. And we all know how difficult it is to lose our hope.

There really isn't anything that you can do for your wife unless she asks for it and she sounds like a pretty tough cookie so I'd be surprised if she reached out to you for support. It's good your daughter can be there for her and I agree once again with LLL that it's also good that you will be there for your daughter.

I doubt the OM will be there for your wife. If there even is an OM it doesn't sound like they have that kind of relationship. As far as questioning whether it's your place or not, even in a normal marriage it wouldn't be your place unless your wife were open to receiving your support. You can't give then some something they're not open to receiving.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. A situation like this is difficult for everyone.

[Thunder]

MB,

I'm going camping for a few days.
Just wanted you to know I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.  Hope it all goes well.