Author Topic: My Story Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over  (Read 3012 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2016, 11:59:09 AM »
First of all ak, congratulations on your sobriety!   ;D
Great job!

I have to say you are a quick study.  You researched MLC, read stories and you applied some of the best of the best.
You have set good boundaries, not moving out, not pressuring, not initiating a D, GAL, and you are treating her kindly.  All good.

Unfortunately there are no roadmaps or magic wands to help you navigate this horror.
You'll find things that help and things that don't help but they will be individual to you and your circumstances.

You must have paved the way pretty good for her to thank you for not closing the door on her.  That's important.
You don't want to be a doormat but there is nothing wrong with treating her with respect and caring.
We have to keep in mind, sometimes, this is no picnic for them either.

We all suffer when MLC hits.
Are your kids doing ok?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2016, 01:09:11 PM »
Thanks for the kind words Thunder.  They seem to be doing ok.  That's the most positive word that I'd use to describe how they're dealing with this.  Every now and then - like maybe once a week or so - they'll mention how she's never around, or that they miss her.  She is still living in the house, hasn't moved out, but she is gone a LOT and they've started to notice.  When she is around she is very present with the girls.  I think that she feels like she needs to make up for being gone so much.  What I'm most worried about is that the kids are going to grow up watching parents who do not have a normal, affectionate relationship.  I'm afraid that might mess them up when they're older.  But I suppose that's something that I'll just watch for and try and manage when the time comes.

The strangest thing about this is how MLCers will vacillate between such extremes all the time.  It would be like every other time I went into work, I thought, "Today might be my last day.  If my boss looks at me the wrong way, I'm quitting!"  Then the next day, I'd just not even think about it!  Craziness.  It's totally exhausting living with someone who you literally have to take day by day.  I suppose that's why you all preach detachment.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline Thunder

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2016, 01:19:06 PM »
Very true, ak.  Detacting is hard and it takes a long time but when you get there its like you have a Teflon shield over your heart.  Things they say or do just kind of slide off.

You know none of it is true or real.  Their just in a very bad place, mentally.
Living with them makes it harder but it does have it's benefits.   Any good mirror work you do, they notice.
They do watch you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Holdingpattern

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2016, 08:47:19 PM »
Hello Viking,

I will call you this because my other MLC half is actually scandinavian, therefore, a Viking!!

Kudos to you for being sober!
Kudos for you for the way you are handling this situation! you are true saint!!!
Kudos for you for the way u are trying so hard to keep your family together!
Kudos to you for the way u are still loving towards your wife even if u know she has O/M.

I don't know if you pray or what gives you this amazing strength, but you would be MY rock!!! you are her ROCK too and she obviously knows it!!! she even thanked you for keeping that emotional door open for her.

You are an amazing man and know , in my opinion, that even if she may move out , you have done all the right things . Unfortunately in this state of mind, they need to make their own mistakes and face their demons. Once the face these monsters inside themselves, they will fall and crumble. Unfortunately it is all a journey that they have to face on their own. You cannot help. There is nothing harder than loving someone so much and watch them destroying their lives. Loving them and detaching at the same time is hard. I have been in this mess for almost 3 yrs, and Im still trying to wrap my thoughts around this concept. There are days that I seem to cope better, and days that i simply fall back down again  (today, was that day).

You seem a good , good, good man. Truly, you do. Again, you are a saint. My heart keeps breaking when I read stories of strong husbands and wives who love so much, in such unconditional way that they are willing to accept this crap because we know this is not who they are and it is simply a phase. In my situation, my other half has completely vanished from the face of the earth. He could literally be on a secret mission or truly being abducted by aliens and took him to another galaxy. I have nothing but SILENCE around me. The only feeling that I have is my strong "gut feeling": to hung on. I have been so ridiculed even by closest friends that they think I'm pretty much delusional that i just haven't accepted the situation and I refuse to see that he simply left me. Again, people who suggest you divorce and to "move on with your life " (oh I hate those words "move on" ) have no clue about MLCer. Thats why I have shut myself down. I don't talk about it to anyone. I live an lonely existence because this MLC isolates you from other people who simply don't get it. I can explain all day long what MLC is about, until I turn blue in my face.....but nothing. This isn't easy Viking. Not only you are going through the crap that your wife may be moving out for O/M , furthermore you have to suffer ( i know I do) the humiliation from neighbors and family who are full of demands and curiosity.

This is tough road. This is one of the thing that u hear about it so much , but u don't really know what it is until it happens to you. Im not here to throw sunshine on you because first, it is painful. Second, you already know what u need to do , third....u seem to be a very strong man. I have been in Alaska before (by myself exploring ) and it is a tough place to live. Majestic but with its challenges. U have a very tough skin. U come across as a very strong man who keeps it together for yourself, and for your girls. If it is any consolation, even if your wife may decide to move out and seek "happiness" with another man, it will not happen. Inside she is miserable and she is aching so much. Unfortunately she needs to deal with her demons . Please believe that THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER AT ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Continue being strong. I think u are doing all the right things. You come across as such a wonderful husband and father, with so much love and so much patience. You are amazing and I hope you KNOW IT, no matter what outcome will be.

I don't know if u are a man of Faith. Please pray for her , if u are. Just like my mom keeps reminding me: " Honey, you have done everything in your power . Now this is in the hands of God. At least, you can go to bed peaceful and when you look yourself in the mirror , you have nothing to feel remorseful or ashamed of ".

So I pass these words into you, and in this way,  i will end this post. It is my wish for you to have PEACE inside your heart.

Stay  strong,

Hp.
"Never judge a book by its cover".

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #14 on: April 29, 2016, 10:01:15 AM »
Thank you so much HoldingPattern.  What wonderful sentiments.  Yes this road we walk is a lonely one, and I am quickly coming to the conclusion that no one who has not seen it can truly understand how difficult the MLC is.  You see glimmers of hope every now and then, and that's what keeps you holding on.  Last night I had to go to work and while I was there my wife helped my oldest daughter learn how to ride a bike!  She sent me pictures while I was at work and even a little video of my daughter riding her bike.  So these things give me hope.

A really difficult thing that I'm dealing with is that my wife is very reserved and doesn't share her feelings even in the best of times.  So it is very, very difficult to read her mood.  I think that detaching will really help with this because if I ever get to that place, it simply won't matter to me anymore what she happens to be thinking at any given moment.  Or maybe it's not that it won't matter, but MY mood and feelings won't depend on it so much anymore.

Thanks again for the kind words.  What you wrote was EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2016, 12:56:10 PM »
OK, I need the advice / kindness of the folks on this board right about now.

My wife just texted me and told me that she intends to go riding (i.e., ATV riding) tonight and then go to a bonfire, and she won't be home until the morning.  That is code for her spending the night with OM.  Then she said that she is planning ANOTHER camping trip for tomorrow night, with our kids and a friend of ours with her kids.  She said that I was totally welcome to come with them camping tomorrow night, but also welcome to stay home and take a break if I'd like (?).

This is her classic pattern that I've been seeing for the past five or six months.  Any time things get even a TINY bit better, she throws an emotional hand grenade into the marriage to blow it apart again.  We had some friends over last night, had a little fire in the fire pit in our backyard, it was very friendly and congenial.  I went to work for an hour or so last night and she sent me texts and videos of my daughter riding her bike.  This morning things were actually cheerful in the house before I left for work.  She sent me a couple of texts talking about how nice it was for us to have had those friends over last night, how it would be cool to invite some other friends over sometime for dinner.  And now this!

How in the world can a sane, 41 year old woman do something like this and not realize how abusive it is?  We've been married for 15 years.  Do they truly not consider at ALL how their spouses feel about all this?

So I'm asking you all - should I try and go camping with her and my kids tomorrow night?  Is this one of the areas where I should back off and give her space?  I am at a loss, honestly.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #16 on: April 29, 2016, 01:01:00 PM »
I also have some things that I need to take care of tomorrow, which she knows about.  It's fairly typical of her to plan something like this camping trip that she KNOWS that I'd normally like to do, but plan it on a day when I've got things that I actually need to take care of.  So I can rush through getting my things done, probably still making everyone late to leave for the camping trip, and spend some time with her and the kids 'making memories.'  Or I can tell her to just go ahead and take them, I'll stay home and take care of my stuff, but does this further re-affirm her thoughts about me not ever doing 'fun stuff'?

Now that I'm typing this out, I realize that it really doesn't matter what I do.  I could go with them tomorrow night, I could tell them to go ahead while I stay home, I could flame out and cause a scene...none of it really matters, does it?  She's going to do what she's going to do.  And this is truly the hardest thing about living with someone in MLC.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline Holdingpattern

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2016, 01:09:27 PM »
Viking,

Id like to ask you: what would u like to do ? do you want to go camping with her? do you think it would make a difference? HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL???? what do you want???
"Never judge a book by its cover".

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2016, 01:26:02 PM »
Viking,

Id like to ask you: what would u like to do ? do you want to go camping with her? do you think it would make a difference? HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL???? what do you want???

Honestly, I'd like to go camping with her and my kids.  I love them like crazy (of course) and despite all she's done, I still love her and enjoy spending time with her.

I suppose I'm worried about a couple of things:

1. This sets a precedent that she can go off with OM one night, then spend the next night with me and the kids like that is normal or sane
2. She's intending to leave soon and is just trying to do some fun things as a family until that time

She is NOT a sharer...she is not like some of the MLCers that you all describe where she rants and raves and complains about how terrible her life is.  In fact it is hard to get her to share anything at all.  So I kind of have to guess a lot of the time as to what her motivations are.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Online OldPilot

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #19 on: April 29, 2016, 01:27:37 PM »
How in the world can a sane, 41 year old woman do something like this and not realize how abusive it is?  We've been married for 15 years.
 Do they truly not consider at ALL how their spouses feel about all this?
Why do you think she is sane?

MLC is not playing the same game as you are,
think OPPOSITE, then you are closer to being right on target.

Aliens have taken over her body and are controlling her mind,
she looks the same but nothing else about her is what you
So I'm asking you all - should I try and go camping with her and my kids tomorrow night?  Is this one of the areas where I should back off and give her space?  I am at a loss, honestly.might think.

How are you doing reading the stuff I gave you in my first post?

 

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