Author Topic: My Story Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over  (Read 3062 times)

Offline Mac49

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My Story Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #50 on: May 02, 2016, 03:03:17 PM »
Viking:

Reread OP's post to you.

To paraphrase - you have been given time. How you use it is your choice.

If you want to read every article, and posts, and blogs to understand WTF - you have that time.

If you want to explore Separation or Divorce options - you have that time.

If you want to kick her lying cheating a$$ to the curb - you have that time.

If you want to wait out 3 - ??? number of years until she's done cooking - you have that time.

Point is what you do from here on out is up to you. Nothing you can do, say, threaten, litigate will have any affect on her or if she decides to come back.

When you are told to "Get A life" - That would be without her, being part of a family means rights, responsibility and respect. She will tell you all about her rights, respect and responsibility are unknowns to the MLC'r.

I wish you well however after enduring 8+ years of this insanity I'm ready to move to a quiet shack in Alaska.

Peace on your journey Brother

Mac

P.S. - Avoid dwelling on "What ifs?"

Offline hawk

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #51 on: May 02, 2016, 03:17:53 PM »
l'm really glad you had that moment with her ak and let it happen  and just be real and that she said those things. l think that will stick with her through all this .
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline Holdingpattern

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #52 on: May 02, 2016, 03:48:47 PM »
Again,

you are such a wonderful husband to her. It does sounds like she is confused indeed. I love the part where she hugged you  but she knows she can come back again. Thats the reassurance she needs. I wish I had at least this chance, just this tiny tiny tiny chance to give this reassurance to my MLCer.

I have learned something absolutely wonderful through your last post: " the highs and lows" of the day. What a wonderful concept to keep the communication flowing with the family. I never thought of it and I believe i will use it in the future if i will be blessed have a chance to restore my relationship. Why have I never thought of it? so brilliant! i love it!!

Your love and support will always be her focus at the end of each confusing moment. It truly takes a fine man like you, to put up with her confusion . I believe in my heart and in my soul that actually you guys may still make it. The potential is actually there. I don't believe she is completely out of the door yet...deep down, she was the door still open to her, or at least a revolving one. But this is a whole other subject in itself.

Just so proud of you Viking! Sending you a virtual hug.

(((HP)))
"Never judge a book by its cover".

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #53 on: May 06, 2016, 09:45:37 PM »
Help!!  Need some suggestions from you all.  Wife is off on a 3 day weekend with OM.  Just got a text from her saying that she misses them and wants to call them tomorrow.  Don't know what to do.  A thousand snarky responses sprang to mind.  I wanted to tell her that if she were with us instead of OM then she wouldn't be missing them.  But will that bring me closer to my goal of reconciliation?  Will that ever even be possible?  Am I letting myself be walked all over for nothing, for something that will never come to pass??  God I am so angry at her for making me feel this way.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline hawk

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #54 on: May 07, 2016, 02:15:17 AM »
hi ak . and l'm sorry things are as they are.
tbh my friend , l wouldn't be waiting around on my so called w while she was off on a wkend with om, l'm just not built that way and l don't believe it's right .
l know it goes against hs and l'm sorry about that but none the less maybe enough is enough for you ak.

ps , mind you , since we've been divorced as far as l know they've been away a couple of times but we are divorced so , guess that's not my business.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2016, 02:25:40 AM by hawk »
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline twiceburnt

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #55 on: May 07, 2016, 03:19:52 AM »
Hi AK,

I'm sorry I'm late to your thread.  Your story sounds very familiar to mine.  Yes, she rewrote your marriage history, etc.  Yes, she's cake eating.  My ex-w even cuddled with me in bed one time telling me everything would be ok...and it was, until the next weekend showed up and she found a new OM. 

I applaud you for sacrificing yourself for your children.  But, I have to be honest, for me, the ultimate boundary setting was the fact that she had an OM(s).  For me, it was serving her divorce papers.  She was with another man...our marriage was over.  And mine was friendly at times as well (when it suited her).  This was after she had moved out of the house, etc. (a good year after BD).  In my case, it ran a bell.  It still took a good year for her initial return, but she delayed the D forever it seemed.  Eventually she refused to sign it and we eventually got back together for a few years.  That didn't last for a number of reasons (partially because I don't think she faced her demons completely...she was still in the tunnel and I was just the best OM in her mind at that point). 

Keep posting.  You have a lot of support here.  I will disagree with giving her the impression she has a way back though.  That just seems to delay their full return.  It is almost like saying they can still cake eat and it is ok.  But that's just my opinion.  There is no sure fire way of getting them back.  Each case is different...although very similar in the same sense.

I had pretty much moved on emotionally before she came running back.  Once I stopped letting her have her cake and eat it too, things started to change.  But, don't get me wrong, it wasn't instant.  It took a while.  It took me a year to detach and finally start to set real boundaries.  Then another year of her moving out, etc. before the initial reconciliation attempt occurred.  It was a lot shorter of a time period than normal with MLC, and she was still in her late 30's, so that probably plays into it as well. 

Once she hit 40 years old, I could see changes again (not good ones either).  And a year later, I pretty much got the same BD speech.  Now we're officially divorced and she's obsessed with the new OM.  Her sister's have pretty much disowned her.  Her own daughter (my SD), still lives with me and refused to move into OM's house, etc.  The chemical/emotional high the OM gives them is too strong currently.  You can't defeat that.  Time and experience (for her) will blow that out of the water, but that is years down the road.

Reconciliations do happen, but it is usually them fighting for the LBS back.  Typically, by the time an MLCer comes out of the fog, their former spouse has moved on.  So don't worry so much about your own actions at this point...none of that seems to determine the outcome anyhow.  It pretty much comes down to if the MLCer can face her own demons and fix their flaws and come to the determination that it was them (depression/hormones, childhood issues, etc.) the whole time. 

I forgot to mention that it is extremely hard to live with them as well.  Things got much easier when she moved out.  Detaching is hard enough as it is.  When you are still under the same roof, it is almost impossible.  So don't beat yourself up if you are struggling with detaching in your current situation.  Don't move out though.  She's the one who wants out...she needs to move out if that's what she wants.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2016, 03:44:58 AM by twiceburnt »
I’ve seen it before
Now get your ass out the door
Won’t take $h!te anymore
You think you know, but you’re horribly blind
You think you know how this story’s defined
You think you know that your heart has gone cold inside
Fine
You think you know, but it’s all in your mind
You think you know just whose fate has been signed
You think you know just whose heart has gone cold this time
Mine
~ Device - You think You Know
--------------------------------------------
And when you're broken, and bitter inside
And reality sucks, because you know I'm right
All over nothing, unforgiving inside
Well doesn't it suck, just to know I'm right?
~ Device - Vilify

Offline Lanzo

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #56 on: May 07, 2016, 06:24:03 AM »
Not sure if you have had an answer to your question but in my opinion if W is on a holiday, get away, romantic break or whatever you want to call it with OM I would not be so accommodating and would not have any contact with her even if it is to speak to the kids.

 But the problem you have given yourself is that you have kept things mega friendly and have left the door wide open so your W is probably is expecting you to be available to let her speak to the kids.

It’s a tough one for you, but I would not be available for her.


Lanzo
We survive, Life really does go on

Offline akjomsvikingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #57 on: May 07, 2016, 12:54:14 PM »
Well I sent her a couple of texts back.  I told Herr that if she were with us instead of off on her weekend with OM then she wouldn't be missing the kids.  I also told her that she's not.going to be calling the girls while she's having this romantic getaway with OM on Mothers Day weekend of all times.  Haven't heard back from her since.  It doesn't matter since I'm pretty much ready to move on at this point.

The man from 2 years ago would not have put up with this.  I've gotten so beat down but I think that I've finally hit my limit.  It's hard for me to acknowledge but I don't really see any chance for reconciliation anymore.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #58 on: May 07, 2016, 02:10:27 PM »
ak, never say never about reconciliation, but you gave her a pretty staggering Truth Dart. She will probably withdraw and sulk, but I hope it hit it's mark and makes her think for a moment.

You don't have to give up your Stand, but please try to GAL for yourself. Start putting you first (after the kids' needs, of course) in your mind. Do things you enjoy. Rediscover interests and passions you had before marriage and the kids. You might find that you really like that guy. :)  You'll want to spend time with him. The kids will want to spend time with him. It's a win-win.

I think you are doing a great job of holding it altogether. That is no small feat. Be kind and understanding to yourself. Each sitch is unique. You need to do whatever will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror with no regrets. You need to be happy with your choices. You will know in your gut when you have had enough. Listen to it. Your gut is never wrong. No one else's opinion of how you approach this matters. Only what you think matters.
trying2bok

Offline Lanzo

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Re: Coming to the Conclusion that it May Be All Over
« Reply #59 on: May 07, 2016, 02:44:37 PM »
I agree,  never say never about reconciliation but I give you a big pat on the  back for letting her know If she's with OM then that's her business, not somthing to be shared with you and your kids.   

Lanzo
We survive, Life really does go on

 

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