Author Topic: My Story Confusion over my approach 2  (Read 4027 times)

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2016, 04:20:13 PM »
Came across this interesting read today by Anne Bretch about fighting for your marriage... certainly resonates with me a little as to where I am (Anxiety, wanting to take back control)

http://beyondaffairs.com/affair-recovery/should-i-fight-for-my-marriage/

Anyone else tried something similar? or thoughts on it? There's fighting and then there's standing... it sounds like she sort of accomplished both.
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2016, 09:27:03 AM »
Really struggling with Patience this week... perhaps the past weekend wasn't such a great idea, it reminded me of how "good" we can be together, I only hope it did the same to her but have my doubts  :-\  I think I will take it as a learning lesson to avoid time together unless she's willing to come back to the R.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2016, 10:34:14 AM by PacificLove »
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline honour

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2016, 06:19:18 AM »
Came across this interesting read today by Anne Bretch about fighting for your marriage... certainly resonates with me a little as to where I am (Anxiety, wanting to take back control)

http://beyondaffairs.com/affair-recovery/should-i-fight-for-my-marriage/

Anyone else tried something similar? or thoughts on it? There's fighting and then there's standing... it sounds like she sort of accomplished both.

From the article you linked to:
"You ask: Should I fight for my marriage?

You get to decide. Don’t be over responsible. Don’t be under responsible. "

Articles like that one abound on the Internet. Anyone could write flim-flam like, "You get to decide. Don’t be over responsible. Don’t be under responsible."

If you are having to fight for your relationship, in my view, you are with the wrong person.

If your relationship is not smooth, easy, harmonious and enjoyable then you are with the wrong person.
Me 52,T 34,M 28
D 26, S23
BD 19th Aug 2010
Moved out 4th Dec 2010

Offline Samurai

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2016, 06:37:32 AM »
If your relationship is not smooth, easy, harmonious and enjoyable then you are with the wrong person.
If your relationship is smooth, easy, harmonious and enjoyable, you are in a movie. ;)

In real life you have to work for it.
Me 42
W42 - Wallower
Married 11 years
BD - October 2015 ILYBINILWY
S9 D7
OM - Yes, EA, ended in early 2016
Separated in June 2018

Offline honour

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2016, 06:44:59 AM »
If your relationship is not smooth, easy, harmonious and enjoyable then you are with the wrong person.
If your relationship is smooth, easy, harmonious and enjoyable, you are in a movie. ;)

In real life you have to work for it.
How are things working out for you, in real life?
Me 52,T 34,M 28
D 26, S23
BD 19th Aug 2010
Moved out 4th Dec 2010

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2016, 01:20:46 PM »
So weekend overall wasn't terrible, W texted me on Saturday night asking if I wanted to join her and D for dinner, I declined saying I had plans. Got home later though and got drawn into an argument, I should have walked away but it actually ended up being somewhat enlightening.

I brought up the fact that I know she's seeing OM, she's still denying anything going on, saying she just crashes there occasionally when in the city, she then accused me of still following her and that I need to stop since we are separated. Fair point (and I know I should).

We then talked a bit about Divorce vs. Separation, she is determined not to file as she wants us both to maintain our lifestyles, houses, etc. if we filed, neither of us could afford to buy each other out of our main family home, but I'm free to date if I want - not what I want right now...

After thinking about it over night, I do have it pretty good right now, I have D pretty much full-time and get to live in the family home. Financially we are both contributing our proportionate amount - she's the one making most of the compromises (or getting the benefit of seeing D with minimal responsibilities and OM without any consequences) depends on how one looks at it.

Sunday morning I apologized for lashing out and she responded by saying no-need I have the right to be angry. She invited me for breakfast with D for Mother's day and I agreed to go along. More or less nice day together, as if the previous nights argument didn't happen although she made a few references throughout the day about finding a more permanent solution to her temporary accommodation. Probably a minor set back in terms of DB.
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2016, 12:21:18 PM »
Wow, been almost a month offline however have been active in other forums... we have now been separated over 2 months, W has not shown any monster, in fact she's been trying to be pleasant and reaching out and wanting to spend some time - but no indication of returning to the R. I've been trying to stand off a bit, accepting some requests but not all.

I've found a lot more info (some accidentally) that indicates she may be wanting a real change in lifestyle. She recently purchased two books on Amazon on Polyamory, and when I review her "viewing" habits of the last 6 months on stremaing, they include shows like "The Mistress", "Secret Diaries of a Call Girl", "The Affair" and movies like Cruel Intentions and Eyes Wide shut. Add to that the photo shoots she did of her self last fall... I don't know if I really know her right now.

Are these signs of an MLC'er? or a Sex Addict/alternative lifestyle that's been held inside for the last 10 years? When we first met we had a very active creative sex life but it has gotten somewhat stale and repeatable. We tried to spice it up a bit last fall after the first BD but since then have not been intimate at all.


Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2016, 05:45:22 PM »
A few months has passed, yeah I've been more or less absent from this and other forums as I've been taking some time out to detach and work on myself. Finally being productive at work and giving W space. Temptations are still there but I try and refrain from monitoring her the best I can... More and more I'm convinced I'm dealing with a MLCer but one that is very much "engaged".... a summary of my sich below:

The not so good:
mid 2015 - BD, EA discovered, almost moved out
Early 2016 - BD #2, ILYBINILWY PA confronted, denied, moved out
has been living in temporary residence since then
More or less emotionally detached from each other since May
Looks like a permanent place is becoming available in Oct.
Becoming more secretive when at home - locking bathroom doors, hiding stuff, etc.
Has changed her physical appearance, bought a sports car, changed jobs, changed diets and was dressing provocatively - that's simmered down the last 6 months
Anniversary passed unacknowledged by either of us (except D)
Arguments prevail every now and then about finances or childhood responsibilities

The good? (here's where things are confusing - but give me glimmerings of hope)
Still maintains kid, financial and household responsibilities
Txts' me most days with something (usually kid/finance/house related) 80% of the time she initiates
Spent a great B-day, M-day and F-day together, D's birthday is coming up and we'll co-celebrate (my decision to include her)
Sends pictures randomly of D
Hasn't brought up R or D since May
Maintains most stuff at home - even provides some dinners/groceries
Hasn't moved her belongings out
Every now and then brings something up about the future - usually finance/investment related
Has shared some of what she's talking to IC about
Usually have a family meal together every other week in the family home (never planned just happens to be on her night with D when I don't have plans)

I'm content the way things are right now but with a permanent place for her to live coming up in October some decisions may need to be made. She's been good so far around finances, responsibilities and so forth with a track record of 8 months so I'm tempted to leave things as they are to not rock the boat too much... but at the same time feel that this transition may call from some stricter boundaries and harsher realities.

Been praying lots and that has helped and have also surrounded myself with faithful pro-marriage friends. Intervention/exposure has been discussed but I can't get myself around to doing it and feel that perhaps too much time has now passed between my first confrontation that it may come off as manipulation.

Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #18 on: November 21, 2016, 01:17:05 PM »
3 months - seems to be about the cadence of my posts. Yeah I guess I'm not really active here but often find myself coming back to the articles and posts here on this board as they resonate. My W I believe is full on MLC - she's officially moved out (truck and all) as of about a month ago and D10 is now splitting time between the two of us. I don't get much monster, more or less amicable. I in return have tried to be kind and to some degree supportive with boundaries. I feel like that's a key difference between this forum and others - here it seems to be more focused on the "soft landing" vs. the hard lines. Knowing my W I think that would in the end be the better way for her to return "Pave the way" but it does make it harder to detach.

The OM seems to still be in the picture although I'm trying my best not to notice but some of the subtle signs are just so darn obvious - does she not see them? or does she just not care anymore... I also recently learned that she's likely been giving herself about 6+ years off her age ;-) that will eventually come out if it hasn't already.


Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2017, 10:50:51 AM »
I've recently come back to this site after some time away... a lot has happened since Nov, I was all but ready to move on when we had a long conversation over the Christmas break. W initiated it asking what we should do. I shared I was thinking of moving on but open to reconcile if she was... long story short we started reconnecting but as I've read through the articles it's very touch 'n go right now. I think she passed through her low point last October when she formally moved into her own place, she also said that's more or less when the A ended as well... it was the first time she had openly admitted to it!

We definitely seem to be in the "friend" zone but not moving much beyond that. It's an exercise in extreme patience right now and me trying not to be pushy. I asked the other day if I could put my arm around her and I get a firm "no", but she usually reaches out to give me a hug when we say goodbye. We are seeing each other about 1-2/week, casual texting throughout the day and usually talk for a few minutes each night when we are saying goodnight to D. It's definitely been warm/cold though, with somedays staying on the phone and other days where she can't wait to get off.

I remain hopeful for the future, but after a year since she's move out and since BD2 I'm growing somewhat impatient. I guess in the grand scheme of things though this is a short window given the length of our M and what others here have gone through. I'm pretty sure MLC for her started somewhere around mid-2014, with the A starting somewhere early 2015 as best as I can tell.

Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

 

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