Author Topic: My Story Confusion over my approach 2  (Read 4015 times)

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Confusion over my approach 2
« on: April 28, 2016, 07:55:00 PM »
Someone please stop me!!!

So here's an interesting question... took W car to get gas tonight and noticed her bags in the trunk. Wondering if she's going to OM tonight, if she does I'm tempted to go place a note on her window and tell her to forget about the weekend unless she's willing to come clean and stop the A.  Or should I just let it go... so tough!


previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7681.0
« Last Edit: April 30, 2016, 06:10:36 PM by Anjae »
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Someone stop me...
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2016, 08:49:28 PM »
Alright cooler heads have prevailed... what would showing up and proving what I already know to be true help the situation in anyway, it would likely only make things worse... she'll do what she wants and it will just make things more tense between us. So I need to stay strong, her guilt will eventually overcome her (yes I know she feels no guilt now - or very little...)

Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline Thunder

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Re: Someone stop me...
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2016, 06:00:11 AM »
I'm glad you changed your mind.  It would have done more harm than good.

The other thing is Pac you have no idea what she is feeling.  She could feel the guilt but not letting you see it.
Don't assume anything.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Someone stop me...
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2016, 09:06:46 AM »
I'm glad you changed your mind.  It would have done more harm than good.
Oh I oscillated on this all night, barely slept. But figured if I did go I'd only make my birthday worse. I'm still tempted to confirm mileage when she gets home this afternoon but may hold off until Sunday.  (he lives 35 miles away and her place is only 5 miles). Woke up for the first time in 12 years on my Birthday to an empty bed but my D came bouncing in a short-while after with her gift for me. Treasured moments for sure.

The other thing is Pac you have no idea what she is feeling.  She could feel the guilt but not letting you see it.
Don't assume anything.

There's guilt there, I can see it in her eyes and by her behaviors, she's just not opening up about it. I can also see she herself is conflicted by going away this weekend (we both are)... I was thinking of sending her an email this morning "letting her off the hook" if she doesn't want to come and prefers to work, but at this point am thinking of just letting it go. I firmly believe she's in a tug of war right now between family and OM, and am pretty sure he's putting some pressure on her. At some point she'll be forced to make a decision. Just as she's lying to me, I'm sure she's lying to him as well.

Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Someone stop me...
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2016, 10:18:48 AM »
Quick update on the weekend so far... it's exceeded expectations but at the same time know not to read too much into it.

W treated me to a beautiful beach-side resort, D is here so it's not as romantic as it could otherwise be, but at the same time neither of us are looking for that right now.  Good conversation, every now and then she brought up future talk but I quickly tried to steer the conversation away or remind her that it's hard to discuss those things right now. So far haven't really seen her on her phone all that much (other than when she's in the restroom). She even left it in the hotel room when we went out for dinner.

As we fell asleep last night she reached out and held my hand. Good start to the morning, with some fun plans for the day.


 
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline Thunder

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2016, 07:34:41 AM »
Happy Birthday, Pac!

I'm glad things are going good.  Just enjoy the moment.  No stressing.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2016, 08:38:49 AM »
I am happy for you.  Sometimes, it is nice to feel normal for a little while.  Enjoy every moment.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2016, 09:26:39 PM »
Back home... was a great weekend all in all, no arguments, pleasant moments and even a dinner just the two of us last night. This afternoon reality started to set in though as she started talking about some weekend plans coming up and who's weekend it was to watch D. Pretty sure she's spending the night here as she doesn't seem to be making any headway to leave (and D just went down which is usually the time she get's ready to leave) will be interesting to see what bed she picks.

As we talked over the weekend I'm becoming more convinced this is a MLC and not just an A  :( That likely means I'm in for the long haul. She shared a lot about where she was with her faith (questioning it) and how she wants to get out and do a bunch of different activities with her GF's, she was even mildly disappointing she missed a golf date with one of them today. (shared with me the text between her GF's as there was some funkiness too it)

Her texting between her and OM, if any was almost non-existent through the weekend. I caught her looking at her phone a few times in bed last night but he wasn't sending anything to her. She even left her phone in her purse for extended periods or at the hotel when we were around the resort.

I honestly believe she doesn't think I know about the A - despite me confronting her 4 weeks ago. I think she thinks she's got me convinced it's nothing - despite me believing she's spent the night there a few times in the last few weeks.  So herein lies the danger.. and options:

1) Leave it as it is, continue to work on myself and hope that things will die a slow death on there own and let her continue to either believe she has silent approval or that I have no clue whats going on
2) somehow remind her that I know (even go as far as to call OM Spouse) to put some pressure on it to end.

I've been doing a lot of research on exposure the last few days, I don' t know if it's the right approach here or not, especially if she's truly MLCer.

Anyways, all in all I'm glad we had a great Birthday weekend. I don't know if this put us further back or if it perhaps was a reminder of how we could be together. I know though that as long as the A is alive, it's hard to work on any forward progress for the R. The past 6 months have certainly taught me that.
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2016, 01:17:58 AM »
Quote
I firmly believe she's in a tug of war right now between family and OM, and am pretty sure he's putting some pressure on her.

Another way to say this is, "I firmly believe she is in a tug of war right now between family and the high that comes from infatuation hormones."

You already know there is an OM and she knows that you know. At some point you can decide that you know and that your focus is on you and your healing. Believe me, I understand the lengths our brains will go to deny, hope, try and see any little piece of evidence to the contrary, in order to not accept the ugly truth that our spouses are having an affair. Just know that your brain will do that. When she is nice you are going to tell you self that it's over between your W and the OM. Just know that your hope for things to go back to what you thought they were is very, very strong.

Unfortunately, things will never be the same even if OM disappears right now. What is happening to you is traumatic and you need to heal whether she gets her high from cocaine or OM. Your life has fundamentally changed and that is what you need to focus on. You and your healing.

This takes years to play out. Whenever you can, accept that she has an OM, that she lies to you and to OM, that she may spend time with you when he is out of town anyway, and that he is a drug to her right now. She is unstable and having an affair, and as you continue to respond to her instability, you remain unstable as well.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2016, 01:20:46 AM by Reinventing »

Offline PacificLoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Confusion over my approach 2
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2016, 01:10:08 PM »

Another way to say this is, "I firmly believe she is in a tug of war right now between family and the high that comes from infatuation hormones."

.....

Unfortunately, things will never be the same even if OM disappears right now. What is happening to you is traumatic and you need to heal whether she gets her high from cocaine or OM. Your life has fundamentally changed and that is what you need to focus on. You and your healing.

Thanks for the reality check... still part of me wants to try and have some control over the outcome, perhaps that's why I keep coming back to the idea of exposure. A good quote on another forum though was that "once you expose you can't go back" I think that really set in for me to perhaps wait a little longer, I realise that waiting could further evolve their relationship but at the same time exposing could kill any chance at reconciling if it goes the wrong way. Right now she sees me as a beacon light home, if I expose she will see me in a very different light...

Oh the decisions we have to make as Betrayed....
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

 

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