Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Hey, are you making it out on a limb  (Read 11707 times)

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« on: May 20, 2016, 01:29:52 PM »
Well I've finally reached a new thread. Who's to say if that is a good thing or not. I will say that I have learned a lot on this journey and have become a better person for it. The title of my thread is from a song and pretty straightforward. These MLCr's find themselves out on a limb.

My story:
M: 35
W: 41
BD: June 2014 (OM #1 and #2)
W moved out: Nov 2015
On OM #3 - Evidently this ones a keeper for now.

I have found that I have finally LET GO. I still love her and I know that deep down she loves me but there is a lot of work to be done on her part. She has showed a few signs of creeping out of the tunnel but that tunnel is like a vacuum and sucks you right back in. I guess we see which way to go from here.

Cheers!!!

Previous Thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6811.0
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 12:29:09 PM by Thunder »

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 01:33:35 PM »
Welcome to your new thread Beacon. - Attaching

Offline stayed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2016, 03:47:42 PM »
Following along Beacon of Hope... you are  wonderful person and your spouse has a lot to lose.  I so hope she can pull her head out of the sand and see for herself.  She is going to have many regrets.

Good for you, letting go sounds all wrong but most everything about MLC is counterintuitive. Stay strong! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2016, 03:58:21 PM »
Thank you for following along with me on this journey. I just feel like at this point it's best she knows I am not available. I tried the compassionate approach which was helpful for me at the time. We were able to keep communicating and occasionally got together. However after today I realize that is too much for me. To allow her to come around and use me as a sounding board for her problems was not healthy for me. I think it's time she knows what it feels to live with her decisions. Maybe before I was scared of letting go but now I am not and I feel comfortable with my decision. I mean what's the worst that could happen? I could lose her? too late I already have. So onward I go to continue to find myself and find the happiness within.

Thank you all for the support.

Offline stayed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2016, 04:21:30 PM »
[quote authoBeacon Of Hope link=topic=7825.msg507074#msg507074 date=1463785101]
I think it's time she knows what it feels to live with her decisions. Maybe before I was scared of letting go but now I am not and I feel comfortable with my decision. I mean what's the worst that could happen? I could lose her? too late I already have. So onward I go to continue to find myself and find the happiness within.

[/quote]

Bingo!  It's so hard to get it, but that really is the bottom line... "what is the worst that can happen?  You could lose her!"  Already happened, the only place this relationship can go now, is DONE... or... UP!  Whatever you have now is going to be brand new... with her or with somebody else. 

Way to go Beacon... you have figured out the puzzle.  There will still be bad days but at least now you understand where you are.

Hugs :) Stayed
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 04:22:41 PM by stayed »
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2016, 06:27:45 AM »
Thank you stayed,

I am not sure why it took me so long to realize this but I am glad I did. She can have OM # 3 and live with those choices but she wont be allowed to come to me and tell me how miserable she is and how much she misses me. I sent her that message yesterday saying I have boxes of your stuff still when is a good time to drop them off. I believe she got the hint that I was done with the BS and wanted her stuff out. I was short and direct with her and am waiting for a reply as to when I can drop her stuff off. I feel like once I do that I can fully detach.

One day at a time.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2016, 06:49:23 AM »
Beacon,

You sound good!

Why are you dropping off her things?  Why not have her come and get them herself?
Just curious.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stayed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2016, 07:36:35 AM »
Good for you Beacon.  Time to take the JOY back and get on living your life.  If she returns before you have found another, LOVELY!  You can look at your situation at that time.  It would be the same as pursuing a new R anyway. 

You are doing great girl. Keep posting, we are here for you.  Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2016, 07:39:50 AM »
Thanks Thunder I know I certainly feel better.

As far as dropping her stuff off its mostly because if I don't she won't come get it. It's been in my living room since she moved out I kinda just want it gone. So I think it's easier to drop it off plus it gave me the excuse to send her that message which I hope conveyed the message that I'm fed up.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2016, 07:52:32 AM »
I understand Beacon.  Sometimes we have to initiate things.  They do think they can use us as a storage place for their things.

I know one person who rented a storage locker, put all her H's stuff in it, paid the first months rent and then told him where everything was and said it was up to him to either go get his things or pay for the rental after the month was over.

I chuckled.  Thought it was a great idea.  It was out of her hair and made him responsible for his things.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2016, 12:01:52 PM »
Thunder - That is a great idea. Luckily it's only like 5 boxes of stuff. Something I can easily throw in the car and dump on her front porch. She has yet to respond so I will give it until the end of the weekend and follow up.

Stayed - I just read your H's letter today and it was very enlightening. When I look at the situation it couldn't be more true. She is living in a fantasy world, even her sisters and mother have said that to me. I have made it so I can't see her posts on FB which has been super helpful, I suppose I should have done that a long time ago but I guess I wanted to check up on her status at times. So now I don't have to have the emotional rollercoaster by seeing her ridiculous posts about her fantasy life. Because deep down I know she is miserable and like your H said in his letter. When your alone and your thoughts take over and reality hits you try and run from it by staring in your movie again.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2016, 08:17:15 AM »
Hi Beacon,

Attaching.....

I had a similar discussion with my IC a couple of weeks ago prior to going off on a weekend away by myself (OK, I had my dog too) but the "What's she going to do if I quit trying to read her mind? Leave me? Too late!" and basically concluded that I have nothing left to loose. House is sold and we are living apart. I see my kids about 50% of the time +/- a bit depending on our schedules & plans. Bottom line is there is nothing more that she CAN do so .... I can be free to be who I am with her and anyone else and THAT is the ultimate liberation.....

Good for you Beacon.  Time to take the JOY back and get on living your life.  If she returns before you have found another, LOVELY!  You can look at your situation at that time.  It would be the same as pursuing a new R anyway. 

You hit it right on the head Stayed.... Time to GAL and, if things work out, the MLC'er exits the tunnel for real, and we, as LBS, are still available AND we again find find the person attractive (in whatever way/shape/form that takes), then great. We can see where to go from there...

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2016, 09:23:57 AM »
Hi Ursa thank you for stopping in and good points indeed. I think I was getting too excited by her connections with me. I guess I thought it meant more but now I realize it doesn't matter when or if she is ever ready she will have to prove that. I think reading Stayed H's letter really helped me grasp that.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2016, 03:49:54 PM »
So after my message to my W about me dropping off her boxes of stuff I got no response all weekend. Sunday night she sent me a friendly message about a show we watch. So this morning at work she sends me an e-mail saying she has some of my stuff in her car if I wanted to get it out. I'm not sure if she was trying to get back at me for me telling her about her stuff or what. I responded with I will use my key and get the stuff out and then leave my key in your glove box. I think that upset her because by me having one of her car keys I guess means I'm still here. I also noticed when I saw her at work that she is no longer wearing her wedding rings. I got upset by that because she has worn them up until today. So I don't know I am still holding strong on my decision to detach and let her live with her decisions it's just been a tough day.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2016, 08:01:28 AM »
So today after inquiring about dropping off her stuff I learn that she is bringing OM on a very expensive vacation for his birthday. All expenses paid by her of course (As if she has that kind of money)  ::)  His birthday also marks their year of knowing each other/ being together I suppose. Although many months of them being together she was still living at our house.

So she said I could drop the stuff off tomorrow. I really don't even want to see her at this point I would rather just drop the stuff off when she isn't home. It makes me sick that she is going to blow her whole paycheck on trying to impress this guy. I guess I am a little angry with the whole situation which is why I am venting. This is a vacation spot we had tried to arrange to go on for the past two years we were together however with our schedules it never worked out. Now she is bringing him there. Oh well I guess she can enjoy her time there but don't come back wanting to cry on my shoulder about how miserable you are.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2016, 08:12:15 AM »
Beacon,

Stay strong.  You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Get your things and leave her the key.  Hey, maybe you can also put her boxes in the car.
Let her take them out.   :)

Kill 2 birds with one stone.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2016, 08:25:24 AM »
Thank you Thunder,

Lord knows I'm trying not to let this anger get the best of me. I'm going to bike today and burn off some anger. It just makes no sense to me. The times we spent together the last few months where she has just crumbled in my arms in absolute sadness and saying how miserable she is , then you go and do this. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #17 on: May 25, 2016, 08:28:50 AM »
She's still baking, Beacon.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2016, 08:31:59 AM »
Well she needs a new oven because hers must be broken.  :D

Offline Blue Freedom

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #19 on: May 25, 2016, 09:18:41 AM »
Beacon,

I've just been catching up on your new thread. Our situations with our W's seem so similar. I'm so impressed with the boundaries you are setting. It takes a lot of strength to move forward.

I'm learning a little more everyday not to try to read into W's behavior, especially the new tearful her. I was wanting to think that the softer side meant something, but I'm learning it is just a point in the cycle. I'm feeling stronger the better I get with a kind, firm and neutral stance. It also seems to helping that my clinging boomerang left the country for a week.

You are an impressive person. Hang it there.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #20 on: May 25, 2016, 10:53:21 AM »
Thanks for stopping in Blue,

Yes our W's do sound very similar and are also at the same age. The age thing for my W was a huge deal, that stigma of turning 40 broke the camels back. Like your W mine also is obsessed with vanity issue and has even gotten into botox. My W also said a million times when asked what she wanted "I dont know". So yes our W's are very similar.

It has certainly taken me a long time (2 years) to learn how to detach and implement boundaries. I understand you are fairly new to this MLC crap but you certainly sound like you have a good understanding about what is going on and how to handle it.

Thank you for your kind words and enjoy your time while your clinger is away  ;D

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #21 on: May 25, 2016, 12:16:45 PM »
Thank you Thunder,

Lord knows I'm trying not to let this anger get the best of me. I'm going to bike today and burn off some anger. It just makes no sense to me.

I run with a group of friends, we are all slow, so we call ourselves the turtles.  The turtles know about my MLCer so when I say I need to burn off the crazy, they know I will be setting a new speed record for me and to just let me go.
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2016, 02:03:45 PM »
Jaybeecee,

The turtles is a great name. It's good that you have a group of friends to run with. It's healthy to run off the anger. I biked 15 miles today so obviously I had quite a bit of it to burn off  ;D I admit I do feel much better now.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2016, 10:04:23 AM »
Went for bike ride this morning and ended up doing 20 miles which felt great. Sent a message to W this morning about a show that we both watch and kept the conversation very short. Have been keeping myself pretty busy with exercise and the continuous work on the house. I have started to go out with friends more which has been fun. I'd say it is too keep my mind off things but quite honestly I have been doing very good with not allowing the antics to get to me. I know she is going on her romantic vacation this week with OM for his birthday and honestly I am not even upset about it. Mostly because I know she has been miserable all weekend long and looked like crap at work. So obviously something is weighing heavy on her. Anyways I just enjoying life and doing things for me. Hope everyone had a great weekend.  ;D

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2016, 06:27:56 PM »
Ok a few things have transpired that I wish to share. First my SIL asked if I would come up to visit everyone. I asked if my W was coming and she said no we didn't even invite her. I kind of feel a little weird about this. I would love to see MIL and in laws however I feel that it would be a big blow for W knowing I was up there and she wasnt even invited. Thoughts?

Second, W sent me a few messages today and I don't know why I responded with this message but I did it. I told her "Just so you know I have always believe in you". She replied with "Thank you, it means a lot to me". I dont know why I felt I needed to say all that but it just came out.


Offline Blue Freedom

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2016, 07:00:22 PM »
Hi Beacon,

My in laws see W's selfish and self-centered behaviors for what they are. My FIL said to me yesterday, "Family is the most valuable thing we have, and I've seen you as my son for 20 years and I can't turn that off because my daughter is being destructive." I don't see it as taking sides, but as a family how do we support one another and stand up for what we believe and what is true. My W wants to rewrite history and it makes me feel good that even her family says "no, that story isn't true." I don't what my W to feel isolated, but I also don't want her story to be supported because it isn't real. Beacon maybe your family wants to support what is real, good and right rather than one person over another, and any pain your W my feel is pain and distance her own behaviors have created.

As for what you shared with her, I would say that you were coming from a loving supportive place and you have to trust that solid place in yourself. You sound like you are in a good place and good good things. You're a great example for me.

Blue
« Last Edit: May 30, 2016, 07:01:54 PM by Blue Freedom »

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #26 on: May 31, 2016, 04:40:05 AM »
My in laws see W's selfish and self-centered behaviors for what they are. My FIL said to me yesterday, "Family is the most valuable thing we have, and I've seen you as my son for 20 years and I can't turn that off because my daughter is being destructive."

That is almost exactly what my MIL told me last time I was up visiting. She said "You can come up whenever you want, with or without W, we love you as a daughter and that doesn't change because W is being an A$$"

I guess I would just feel almost bad for W knowing that her own mother would rather have me up there visiting and not her. She already has abandonment issues stemming from her mother and I just think that would be a huge blow.

As far as what I told her about believing in her, it's just something I thought she needed to hear at that moment. I wasn't expecting her to come running back to me at all I just wanted her to know that.

Thank you for your kind words blue. You are doing a great job interacting with your MLC crazed W.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #27 on: May 31, 2016, 04:47:24 AM »
You know Beacon, sometimes we have to follow our gut.

If you felt she needed to hear that, then no harm done.
A few times I went against the grain and said something I felt like saying because it felt right.

We have no script to follow.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #28 on: May 31, 2016, 05:03:05 AM »
I agree Thunder and I feel good about it today mostly because I didn't have any expectations. I think if I were to have told her that and expected her to coming running home I would have been disappointed. The good news is I actually feel better about myself now knowing that I had no expectations after 2 years. That is a sign of progress.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #29 on: May 31, 2016, 05:05:24 AM »
YES, it sure is progress!   ;D

It feels good to get to that point.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #30 on: May 31, 2016, 12:03:42 PM »
Found an appropriate quote today I wanted to share.

"Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart." - Unknown

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #31 on: June 01, 2016, 01:02:44 AM »
Found an appropriate quote today I wanted to share.

"Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart." - Unknown

Wow! Isn't that the truth....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline hawk

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #32 on: June 01, 2016, 03:14:50 AM »

 Sure is .
Met 93, M 96, BD oct/12, nearly 20yrs. 1 d-11 at bd.
D/oct 14.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2016, 03:54:18 PM »
Just journaling as Ive had a rough day. My grandmother was given a couple days left to live and that hit me hard. She played a tremendous role in raising me and it will be sad to see her go. She is 90 and has lived an amazing life so I understand that sometimes it's just their time to go. On the other hand it has left me feeling quite down. Mostly because I want to be able to share this information with my W however she is on her fantasy vacation with OM so I am not going to be able to. It's probably better that way anyway.

Trying to stay strong and go day by day.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #34 on: June 01, 2016, 04:10:37 PM »
Well she needs a new oven because hers must be broken.  :D

Beacon, thank you for this little quip!  It really did make me laugh out loud.  I think my H needs a new oven too....preferably a convection one, as they do the job in half the time!
« Last Edit: June 01, 2016, 04:12:02 PM by tocslave »

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #35 on: June 03, 2016, 11:08:30 AM »
So the other day my W says something along the lines of "I am so desperately tired of doubt, I shall fix this with a passionate self destructive drive"

So instead of facing the issues she is admitting to the fact that she is being completely self destructive. What the Firetruck is wrong with these MLCr's?

I wonder how that self destruction is working  :o

Oh well not really concerned with it just wanted to add it to the list of stupid things MLCr's say.

Hope everyone is enjoying their week.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #36 on: June 03, 2016, 01:49:26 PM »
Pure craziness!  It's hard work being sane and responsible!

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #37 on: June 03, 2016, 01:51:11 PM »
In moments of clarity they realize just how self destructive they are.  The problem, I believe, is that they lack the emotional maturity to see the path to fixing it.  It is easier just to try everything they can (blame, anger, OP, etc) to ignore it.

Love the quote!
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2016, 01:59:43 PM »
I agree she did have a moment of clarity and it was the day before she left on her vacation with OM. I suspect it was the guilt she felt. She said she hadn't slept a wink all night and didn't go to work the next day and then posted that and the next day left on her trip. So obviously she is train wreck thankfully I got off the train.

Im over the vacation completely and the OM it really doesn't bother me anymore, the only thing that bothers me is that he has allowed her to pay for EVERYTHING on this trip. The hotel, the food, bar tabs, souvenirs, etc... What the Firetruck kind of man would allow a woman to pay his way for a week on vacation. It baffles me. 

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2016, 02:03:38 PM »
In moments of clarity they realize just how self destructive they are.  The problem, I believe, is that they lack the emotional maturity to see the path to fixing it.  It is easier just to try everything they can (blame, anger, OP, etc) to ignore it.

Love the quote!

I agree!  In order for my H to make it out of this crisis a better man, he'll have to learn to do 4 things he's never done before:

1.  Grow up
2.  Accept responsibility
3.  Admit wrongdoing
4.  Apologize....and mean it

From this viewpoint, I just don't ever see all those things coming from him.  He was always pretty self centered and very immature, so he's gonna have one hell of a climb to make it back out this hole!

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2016, 02:43:15 PM »
There must be a point that they can't physically and mentally go on like this. her behaviour has  become predictable, the lows last a long time then there is the momentary high. Between being broke and depressed and alone I just can't imagine how they can handle it.

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2016, 04:43:39 PM »
In moments of clarity they realize just how self destructive they are.  The problem, I believe, is that they lack the emotional maturity to see the path to fixing it.  It is easier just to try everything they can (blame, anger, OP, etc) to ignore it.

Love the quote!

I agree!  In order for my H to make it out of this crisis a better man, he'll have to learn to do 4 things he's never done before:

1.  Grow up
2.  Accept responsibility
3.  Admit wrongdoing
4.  Apologize....and mean it

From this viewpoint, I just don't ever see all those things coming from him.  He was always pretty self centered and very immature, so he's gonna have one hell of a climb to make it back out this hole!

Sounds a lot like my H.  That's what I'm afraid of.  He will have to be twice the man he ever was.  I think he will apologize and be sorry but he has always been very self centered and I'm not sure that will change.
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2016, 04:46:57 PM »
I suspect it was the guilt she felt. She said she hadn't slept a wink all night and didn't go to work the next day and then posted that and the next day left on her trip. So obviously she is train wreck thankfully I got off the train.

Mine has had sleepless night too.  I wonder if it's the guilt or the fact that he stays up texting OW. 

Here's to getting off the train.
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2016, 05:08:55 PM »
I honestly think that's the difference between men and women. I know mlc doesn't have any restrictions but women seem to see the destruction andperhaps make an attempt to fix it. I've seen my wife make the attempt but it needs to just come to a head before she realizes what she will lose. I think maybe men are more stubborn and concerned about the feelings. Women seem to be more in touch with their feelings. Just my observation thus far.

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #44 on: June 03, 2016, 05:23:09 PM »
I honestly think that's the difference between men and women. I know mlc doesn't have any restrictions but women seem to see the destruction andperhaps make an attempt to fix it. I've seen my wife make the attempt but it needs to just come to a head before she realizes what she will lose. I think maybe men are more stubborn and concerned about the feelings. Women seem to be more in touch with their feelings. Just my observation thus far.

I don't disagree. I always said H was the woman in our relationship.  It was not an insult.  He is a 6'8 manly man who went to college on a full division 1 basketball scholarship, so he is all man.  However he has always been much more in touch with his feeling than me.  More expressive, more prone to cry, more sensitive.

I'm more stubborn, less likely to say I'm sorry, and have built up such a wall that it was the first thing our MC noticed when we met with her.
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline Shadoe

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #45 on: June 03, 2016, 07:05:59 PM »
My h complained of the same inability to sleep right after he left, he commented 9pm was late and he had to go to bed in order to get enough sleep to be up at 8am the next morning.


As for the 4 things they need to learn, I am not sure mine will be able to face at least two of those if not all four. He almost never admits to being wrong and at least until now has blamed me for this whole situation though he still doesn't have a reason why he left. One of the last things he said to me before we stopped talking because I hired an attorney was that I should stay in touch with him so he can tell me how to fix myself.
And so she took the patches of her life and sewed them together to make wings.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein

Not my Circus, Not my monkeys. But if you're either going to force them on me or leave me to deal with them, don't be surprised when I give you back monkey carcasses.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #46 on: June 04, 2016, 06:04:46 AM »
I believe the sleeplessness is caused by the mind not being able to shut down. They have a lot of things racing through their heads and of course the guilt. The one night my W stayed over since she moved out, she said she slept the best she had in the longest time. When she is alone at night she is alone with her thoughts and that is what keeps her up. Oh well not my problem, I personally sleep great  ;D

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #47 on: June 04, 2016, 10:31:56 AM »
My h complained of the same inability to sleep right after he left, he commented 9pm was late and he had to go to bed in order to get enough sleep to be up at 8am the next morning.


As for the 4 things they need to learn, I am not sure mine will be able to face at least two of those if not all four. He almost never admits to being wrong and at least until now has blamed me for this whole situation though he still doesn't have a reason why he left. One of the last things he said to me before we stopped talking because I hired an attorney was that I should stay in touch with him so he can tell me how to fix myself.


Shadoe....you can take the last thing that he said to you as being one of the dumbest....so classic MLC and narcissistic.  The only logical thing to think is that he was projecting his own internal views on you!  They certainly do need to fix themselves!!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #48 on: June 06, 2016, 04:50:38 AM »
I honestly think that's the difference between men and women. I know mlc doesn't have any restrictions but women seem to see the destruction and perhaps make an attempt to fix it. I've seen my wife make the attempt but it needs to just come to a head before she realizes what she will lose. I think maybe men are more stubborn and concerned about the feelings. Women seem to be more in touch with their feelings. Just my observation thus far.

I wish.... My MLCW sees the destruction and thinks it is the greatest thing since sliced bread because she gets to prove to .... someone, I have no idea who... that she can do it all alone on her own... except for one small problem... She can't!  She is, so far, unable to cope with the schedules that she has herself set up including making appointments for the kids for doctors, etc. She called me Thursday to ask if I could take the afternoon off today to take S to the Vision School for an appointment she made months ago because she has no Comp Time left...  ???

Actually, that was another of the "Reasons du Jour" for BD - "You are too emotional" (said to me).... Whatever... Yes, I can cry in a movie and certain songs always get to me... better to own your emotions and accept them than to pretend to be a cold fish...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2016, 05:19:38 PM »
I believe the sleeplessness is caused by the mind not being able to shut down. They have a lot of things racing through their heads and of course the guilt. The one night my W stayed over since she moved out, she said she slept the best she had in the longest time. When she is alone at night she is alone with her thoughts and that is what keeps her up. Oh well not my problem, I personally sleep great  ;D

Same here Beacon....I know for a fact my H doesn't sleep well, if at all sometimes.  I haven't seen him since I had him kicked out of the house, but when I did see him those last couple times, he looked like he had aged 10 years in just the 3 months since BD.  I really do think all the guilt they try to throw back on us eats them alive.

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #50 on: June 07, 2016, 05:53:25 AM »
Same here Beacon. My h stays up all night it seems then turns around, up before the sun and goes to work his 9 -5 and a bunch of other things. Maybe sleep for an hour at night? It's how he met the MOW online. her being the wh*r^ she is posting half naked pix on instagram or wherever.  Sleepless nights basically. It's something about the dark they don't like I read. I agree, they can't possibly do this forever, and it really takes a toll on them and it's beginning to show on my h.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #51 on: June 07, 2016, 08:32:36 AM »
Ironically, I was the one after ABD that couldn't sleep and was out walking with my dog from 22:00 until after midnight 3, 4, 5 times a week.....

I just couldn't get my brain to stop replaying ABD over and over and over and over, ad nauseum.... Even when I did sleep, it invaded my dreams...

MLCW? Don't know how well she slept because she would disappear upstairs in the house formerly known as home and I wouldn't see her until the following morning, if then...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #52 on: June 07, 2016, 04:09:59 PM »
Oh Ursa I didn't sleep well post BD either. I mean I went a few months of not sleeping great but mostly from all the confusion and emotions. I now two years later sleep great yet my W two years later DOES NOT. I don't know maybe huge bags under your eyes are back in style  ;D

I see the guilt eat away at her and it's actually quite painful but I now look at it from a distance and just turn away because I know there isn't anything I can do about it. I am doing fairly well recently, My W sent a text about our shared phone bill and I replied back very short and direct. This has pissed her off because now that she is back from her trip she is going to try to be friendly with me and I am NOT having it so now she realizes she isn't getting what she wants. So this is a good step for me. Took my rings off last week and have really started to detach from her. Maybe one day I'll see my pre MLCW again but for now, I don't like this person.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #53 on: June 08, 2016, 02:34:32 AM »
Oh Ursa I didn't sleep well post BD either. I mean I went a few months of not sleeping great but mostly from all the confusion and emotions. I now two years later sleep great yet my W two years later DOES NOT. I don't know maybe huge bags under your eyes are back in style  ;D

That is something that I can't see but that is mostly due to makeup.... MLCW was always a great fan of face paint and that hasn't changed... Anything to keep hiding behind a mask...  :-\

I see the guilt eat away at her and it's actually quite painful but I now look at it from a distance and just turn away because I know there isn't anything I can do about it. I am doing fairly well recently, My W sent a text about our shared phone bill and I replied back very short and direct. This has pissed her off because now that she is back from her trip she is going to try to be friendly with me and I am NOT having it so now she realizes she isn't getting what she wants. So this is a good step for me. Took my rings off last week and have really started to detach from her.

Similar things... Answer the question asked and JUST the question that is asked... MLCW on the other hand, answers everything BUT the question that is asked... Goes (what the Germans say) around the back with the elbow in order to scratch the ear.... the direct approach DOES seem to annoy them to no end though...

Maybe one day I'll see my pre MLCW again but for now, I don't like this person.

This is something that I have said to various people many times as well... and, to date, only the LBS's have had a CLUE what I was talking about...  I still love the woman I married, the woman that I had 2 kids with... the Body Snatcher that is running around inside the meat puppet that looks like that person? I don't like them one bit.... I had a friend ask me last night on the phone (got a rather shaky phone call as her H is heading off into the tunnel now and is a vanisher) and she asked if I could still look at MLCW.... I had to say that looking at her physical form never was a problem  ;) but that the physical and the emotional/mental person are inextricably intertwined so, at the moment, I find it more difficult than I used to... That and the fact that I keep having images flashing in my head of the possible OP situation...  :P
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #54 on: June 08, 2016, 07:53:45 AM »
That and the fact that I keep having images flashing in my head of the possible OP situation...  :P

That is what bothers me too, and I realize after all this time I shouldn't focus on the OM but sometimes I just get imagery of them together in my head and it pisses me off. I mean she has had 3 OM so it's not like she left me for Mr. Perfect and it really shouldn't bother me because I know exactly what she is doing but every once in awhile when I have a bad day I let it cross my mind.

The good thing is there are far more better days now then bad days. So it does get better.  :D

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #55 on: June 08, 2016, 08:05:57 AM »
That and the fact that I keep having images flashing in my head of the possible OP situation...  :P

That is what bothers me too, and I realize after all this time I shouldn't focus on the OM but sometimes I just get imagery of them together in my head and it pisses me off. I mean she has had 3 OM so it's not like she left me for Mr. Perfect and it really shouldn't bother me because I know exactly what she is doing but every once in awhile when I have a bad day I let it cross my mind.

The good thing is there are far more better days now then bad days. So it does get better.  :D

Yes, that is true.... And there are certain triggers for me... The rushing off to go to parties (that she NEVER went to when we were together....) and so on. IC asked me Monday if the trip this weekend is to see someone and I had to say I have no idea but the official reason was to go to her sister's and BIL's combined Birthday party... It is, ironically, the same weekend as my birthday which she apparently does NOT want to be around for  ;)  :P
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #56 on: June 09, 2016, 03:14:47 PM »
I know I know stop focusing on the OM, but I had to go on FB because my W is helping with finding homes for our new puppies. Well I see that she has posted about how happy she is with "her baby" and all these other ridiculous posts. I can't help but to think is she really happy. I mean I know this is her 3rd OM and they had sex on the second time they met and she basically buys him everything and pays her way to his heart or other parts. The relationship is one of deceit and has never really been made public. I can see looking from the outside it's not a normal/healthy relationship and I know he has issues with being possessive and stuff but it just rattles my mind that she can't see this. I know it's MLC and they don't think clearly but wow. I have detached and I go out to lunch with my friends and have a good time living my life without her but sometimes things like this pop up and I wonder wow I can't wait until she can look back on this.

I guess I am just venting and I don't follow her posts for this reason but I had to go on there to post the puppies and saw that crap and I wont lie it made me mad.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #57 on: June 13, 2016, 07:23:09 AM »
Well yesterday was a difficult day, my W and I lost a couple goods friends in the Orlando shooting. After a bout of NC by me we ended up talking all day. We got together last night with a few of our friends in town and remembered our lost ones. It turned out to be a good night and we had a lot of good discussions in regards to her behavior of the past couple of years. She opened up about her relationship with her mother and how she never felt wanted/loved and how because of that she has sabotaged our relationship. I found what she said to be very sincere and she said that she wants to wait. I asked her what she wanted to wait for and she said "for you to truly forgive me for what I've done". I have no expectations at this point but I do think she is seeing things more clearly. The fact that she is able to identify how her relationship with her mother is affecting her at this point in her life in important. I hope that she continues this path of self discovery and healing.

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #58 on: June 13, 2016, 07:26:21 AM »
So sorry for your loss but sounds like positive steps for you and W.  Hoping that things continue in a positive direction for you.
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2016, 08:59:44 AM »
Beacon,

For all the talk about how major life impacting events are an MLC trigger, I wonder if those class of events can also trigger the end of an MLC?

Whatever it is, I grieve with you for your lost ones and rejoice that you are seeing some movement towards one another ...

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #60 on: June 14, 2016, 10:39:52 AM »
Thank you Jay and UM for your kind words. My W and I went to the candlelight vigil together and it was really nice to have the support of the community. After the vigil we went to dinner and I just let her talk and mostly listened. She left her phone alone the whole time and told me that she "got rid of OM". I know her intentions are good but I will certainly have to wait and see how that goes, she was infatuated with him for a year so I know that just "getting rid" of him isn't going to be an overnight process. We did not talk much about him but she did bring that one statement up and I really did not respond at all. At the end of the night she gave me a hug and a kiss and she went home. It was overall a nice night and I will continue to doing what is best for me. I do see progress but I am definitely going to take my time with this.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #61 on: June 17, 2016, 04:06:49 PM »
Just a little update. Things seem to be going ok as far as my W being consistent. She asked if I wanted to go to the movies today with S9 and her. We ended up having a nice lunch and movie. I have noticed some positive changes in her. I am certainly still hesitant as I am familiar with the touch and goes. We have talked every day this week and she has certainly showed an effort. She did say she got rid of OM however I am sure he is still applying some emotional blackmail to suck her back in. That is not my problem and something she needs to deal with. Her mother and sister are coming down tomorrow to visit me and I am hoping that my W comes over with the boys. I think that will be a good test for her. She has not spoken with her family but mostly because I think she feels ashamed of her behavior. So if she does agree to come over perhaps she can start to work on those issues she has had with her relationship with her family. For now just going one day at a time and continuing to GAL.

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #62 on: June 17, 2016, 04:44:59 PM »
Hey Beacon

That's a great sign for your W! I believe I read something about reconnecting with family was a major moving point for her starting to improve.

Such an awesome journey the MLCer's  are on and sooo glad we have RCR's articles and this forum so we can compare their journey and see how the MLCer is moving along! Do  wish us LBSers weren't the target yet it is what it is.

I'm seeing promising signs!

Take care.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #63 on: June 17, 2016, 04:50:19 PM »
Thank you elegance and yes this website and forum has been a life saver for me to learn about all this nonsense and honestly to learn to forgive. I don't know where this will lead but I do know by what she has told me this week that she is much clearer in her thinking and articulating what she is going through. The fact she was able to tell me the story about her feeling abandoned by her mother and how it effects her life now was shocking to me. I am continuing to give her space and work on things but she has definitely initiated more this past 2 weeks.

Hope all is well with you Elegance.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #64 on: June 18, 2016, 10:42:08 AM »
I think I screwed up. My MIL and SIL wanted to come down and visit so she said they were coming today. They live 4 hours away so we don't see them often. I asked my W if she would like to come over with S's to see them and that MIL really wanted to see them. I got a angry text back saying "No if my mother wanted to see me she could have called me. I am tired of being treated like $h!te by them, you guys have fun. It's toxic" I didn't even know how to respond. I feel badly because yes she has abandonment issues with her mother and no her mother hasn't contacted her. Her mother hasn't contacted her because of her MLC behavior not because she doesn't love her. Her mother knows she destroyed our relationship and the relationship with her family because of all these behaviors. My W said "It's not your fault" but I know she is pissed about the situation and now I don't know what to do. She wont even bring the boys over to see their grandmother who has cancer. I just feel like over crap like now about the whole situation.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #65 on: June 23, 2016, 02:06:32 PM »
W sent me a message yesterday and wanted to get together so we did. We had some good conversations and I have seen some positive changes in her. She did also tell me that she thinks I should go out and explore and have a child of my own. I think she believes that she is holding me back. I tried to explain that I do not want to have any children and that I am content in my life right now but she is still worried. We discussed a lot about important things in our relationship, things she brought up not me. We did hash out a few things which was good. I still know she is not ready and that is going to take a little more time. I am still content with how things are going. I still continue to do things for me and enjoy life. I don't find myself "waiting" in a bad way.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #66 on: July 21, 2016, 01:23:54 PM »
Hello All, It's been awhile since I posted. Mostly because not much has happened and I have been trying to not overly focus on MLC in all angles. In the past month W and I have gone out a few times and have enjoyed ourselves. I continue to let her to the initiating. She seems to have slowed down a little bit and becoming more responsible in her spending and trying to save money. She has been going to the doctor and keeping up with her health. I continue to do my own thing and have not worried about our status in a long time.

Some things still bother me about her like when we go out, she messages people on her phone and I know it is OM. She did say she would break it off with him however I understand that this will take time. She speaks a lot about our future and buying a new house and a boat and just relaxing. I don't put much thought into it because I know she is still wavering back and forth in the MLC tunnel. I will continue to do me until I see some more permanent changes in her. I know there is still a lot going on in that noggin of hers.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #67 on: August 23, 2016, 04:14:38 PM »
Hello All,

Just returned from a much needed vacation. Enjoyed time with my family and just relaxing. The past two months have been weird for me. My W has been contacting me pretty regularly and we have gotten together like every other week for a couple drinks and to catch up. I see that she is making to positive life changes, she spoke with me the other day about planning for retirement and getting a job as a nutritionist. I caught myself smiling while she was telling me because I was proud that she was making positive steps. I told her I was happy for her for making these steps. Albeit she is working on herself she is still being secretive when she is texting while with me. Hiding the phone and such which just means to me she is still talking to OM. I realize it's not going to be easy to get rid of that relationship especially due to his obsessive personality. I have to remind myself the relationship must run it's course. I have been doing really good in keeping busy and exercising and overall feel good. I am not initiating contact with her and have kind of just laid low. When we go out it's almost like she is relieved to have someone to talk to that truly understands her. We always have a lot to talk about and it feels comfortable. So I guess I just keep going on this plan and continue to live for me. Just wanted to update if anyone was interested. It has been 2 1/2 years since bomb drop and 10 months we have lived apart.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #68 on: September 09, 2016, 08:07:12 AM »
I need advice,

My W showed up out of the blue last week when she found out I broke my toes, she brought a Ballon and gift bag that was a get well soon gift. Albeit it was a nice gesture and I still think she cares for me very much I know she is still involved with OM. It's been 2 1/2 years since bomb drop and 10 months since she moved out. I told her I am cleaning the garage and asked her if she wants all the stuff she left here and she stated she would probably come get it this weekend.

My question is, is it an appropriate time to tell her that although I love her very much I can't continue the "Rollercoaster" with her whilst I know she is still involved with OM? I want her to know that she made the choice to leave and be involved with him, but I also want her to know I still deeply love her.

Just need a tactic on how to convey this message.

Thanks in advance

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #69 on: September 09, 2016, 08:14:00 AM »
Hi Beacon, glad to 'see' you! Sorry about your injury.

I would place a boundary on her. I would say, if you are in a R w/ OM, you can't be in a R w/ me.



Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #70 on: September 09, 2016, 10:28:13 AM »
Hi elegance, long time no "see".

I suppose you are correct, in placing a boundary like that. I guess I just don't see my W and I as being in a relationship. I guess I could just tell her while she is with OM I can't be friends with her. I would still like to keep a line of communication open with her I just don't want her asking me to go out and her say all these things about us and how we are meant to be then the next day she is hanging out with him. This certainly iseems tricky for me although I know it shouldn't be. I just feel like since she left we have never really discussed why she left, what went wrong, what we are currently doing. I feel like I need to voice my opinion about the fact she left and made these choices therefore she doesn't get to back and forth.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #71 on: October 07, 2016, 08:02:24 AM »
Nothing new to share other then this quote I found that I really enjoyed.



Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Offline confused2016

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #72 on: October 07, 2016, 09:00:26 AM »
Hi Beacon!  Newbie here -- love the quote you posted.  So true!!
MLC:  45    ME:  42
D: 13
Married 17 years in October
________
BD 8/9/2016
Moved Out End 8/27/2016

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #73 on: October 20, 2016, 07:32:24 AM »
Just popping in for a update. My W has been coming around more, we have reached a point where we get together once a week. We do a lot of talking, mostly catching up and all the light, fluffy stuff. I can't be sure if she is coming out of the tunnel yet but the ridiculous Replay behavior has certainly come to an end. She is starting to rebuild and budget her bank account, becoming more responsible with her health and going to the doctors. I do know that OM is still in the picture however I believe she is trying to get rid of that. When we go out he is constantly blowing up her phone wondering where she is and she gets frustrated. I just let that all go because that is her problem to fix not mine.

I imagine it wont be easy to get rid of a OM you have been with for a year. Nov 1 marks one year since she has moved out and we are 2.5 years since BD. I have done really well not getting excited and having expectations through the touch and goes. I just continue on my path and let her work through the mess in her head. She now brings up pleasant memories from our past such as last night she brought up our first "date" and how the anniversary of that is this week. So maybe the fog is clearing slightly.

Ok I guess I have just rambled on but just journaling a bit.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #74 on: October 20, 2016, 08:44:20 AM »
Hey Beacon,

Great news! oh how nice it must be. So glad to hear it. :D
You are about a year before me...so I guess I have one year more to deal with all this madness.

Enjoy your day.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #75 on: October 20, 2016, 08:49:00 AM »
Thank you Elegance, I am certainly not getting my hopes up too high and I am still continuing to do things for me and allow that space needed for her. I do see a lot of positives in her words/actions so that is helpful but time will tell. I refuse to allow her to come back until she is fully cooked.

I do have hope for MLCr's returning, I have read a lot of great return stories and I think honestly this site helps us LBSr's prepare ourselves for what may happen. Keep up being strong Elegance!!!

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #76 on: October 20, 2016, 09:06:48 AM »
Sounds like you are doing a great job.  You are right, this site helped you prepare yourself for the fact that this is a slow process. Also that the OM won't disappear overnight.

Keep doing what you are doing!
Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #77 on: October 20, 2016, 10:31:27 AM »
Thank you jaybeecee,  HS helped me understand MLC and what goes on in the minds of our spouses going thru it. People's stories have taught me how to proceed and that the most important part is being happy with who I am. No one ever wants to go through this debacle yet here we are and theven choices are to wallow in our despair or get up and make US better. That is what I have done and I love my life now, I only can hope that my W sees this and she will learn to love her life also. Then maybe someday we can love ourselves as a stronger couple.

Thank you all forb your support  ;D

Offline Shadoe

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #78 on: October 20, 2016, 01:27:17 PM »
Beacon,


I second Jay, you sound great. You story has definitely helped to step back in my situation. Thank you for the updates.
And so she took the patches of her life and sewed them together to make wings.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein

Not my Circus, Not my monkeys. But if you're either going to force them on me or leave me to deal with them, don't be surprised when I give you back monkey carcasses.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #79 on: October 21, 2016, 06:16:37 AM »
Thank you Shadoe, it certainly has taken a lot to get to the this point but it absolutely is possible. I will post updates as much as possible, I think that other's stories really do help us along the way. So if my story can help one person at least I will be happy.

Offline Blue Freedom

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #80 on: October 23, 2016, 12:44:31 AM »
Beacon,

I'm impressed and encouraged by your courage, strength, patience and compassion. You sound hopeful, but solid in yourself. That can be a hard balance to maintain as we all know.

I've always seen parallels in our two situations and they continue to happen. Though I'm feeling more at peace with everything I'm still a newbie at 10 months since BD and 7 months since she moved out. I hope things in my case are moving a bit faster because the OM was an EA that, I believe, ended about the time W moved out. The spending, drinking and partying seem to be slowing down. Mutual friends say she looks depressed and she is spending most evenings alone at home. Her  less frequent monstering seems half-hearted and she is making up reasons to stop by the house. But as our 15 year-old  daughter said yesterday, "Mom is only half baked. Leave her in the oven until she's done."

My thoughts and prayers are with you Beacon.

Blue

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #81 on: October 23, 2016, 03:46:49 PM »
Thank you Blue,

I actually just finished reading your update you posted. You seem to have a good handle on things in your situation. The way you respond to your W's antics is very good. It certainly has been a long 2.5 years for me but I honestly would not change any of it.

Continue to be strong with your W because I'm sure she still has some cycling left in her where she will come and go. Just continue with patience. After a great week with my W she has taken to closing herself up in her house all weekend. I feel bad for her at times but I also know she needs this time to continue her work. So here you and I are left to being patient.

Thank you for stopping in and good hearing from you. 

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #82 on: October 31, 2016, 01:41:22 PM »
Halloween probably isn't a big holiday for most but it is a holiday my W and I always loved and put 100% into. We would always find a party and spends hours making costumes and having a good time. This year is the first year we wont be doing that and it has me kind of off my game. My W moved out Nov 1st of last year which is tomorrow and also an anniversary I do not want to remember.

With that being said she sent me a message about a scary movie she found and suggested I watch it. We got to small talk and she said she isn't doing anything for Halloween because she is poor. She went on to say that she is drinking rum and cokes and watching scary movies all day. I feel badly for her but I also know I can't save her. I thought about asking her to come over for scary movies but then again I don't want to be there for her right now. That probably sounds cold but it's how I'm feeling today. I guess the hurt has resurfaced due to these anniversaries.

It's all crazy to me that she has been moved out for a year now and I have seen progress in her but I know there is still a lot more that needs to come. So I will let her sit on her own and think about these things today instead of being the fixer.

Anyways just a little bit of journaling as I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #83 on: November 10, 2016, 06:52:39 AM »
My W and I seem to always come together when there is some kind of tragedy in the world and yesterday's day after the election results one of those days. We ended spending the whole together and had a lot of good conversations in regards to her situations involving her crisis. She even joked a few times "I've already been through my midlife crisis", she spoke about how she has forgiven her mother for their struggling relationship. She seemed as though she has done a lot of mirror work and she even commented on how she has really looked inside herself and made changes. While all this sounds positive she still wears a necklace with OM and her initials on it and still was chatting with him on her phone at times.

So sure I felt good about the progress I've seen in her but I still am confused at how she is still with him. I don't know the extent of the relationship but obviously something is there. I know we have to let the relationship run its course and I am allowing for that but at the same time it's frustrating.   

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Strange Journey, Reconnection may be stranger!!
« Reply #84 on: November 14, 2016, 08:01:39 AM »
I am at the point where I can see there has been progress as far as her doing mirror work and all that good stuff. I guess my question is can reconnection happen while the MLCr is still with OM. I really have no way of knowing what the status of their relationship is at this point. She has never really posted on social media about their relationship or him at all (must be a great relationship). I have noticed that she has come around a lot more and is contacting me more and wanting to do things with the kids and I more. I couldn't be sure if it's real reconnection or not but it certainly is different from previous touch and goes. I know for certain she still talks to him and they do not live together so I can't say one way or another if they are truly an item still or not. Has anyone had experience in a reconnection while MLCr may still be hanging on to OM?

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #85 on: December 19, 2016, 04:32:50 PM »
Hello everyone,

Not so much an update but journaling I suppose. I have recently read a book called 'Codependent No More' which has helped me a lot in figuring out what part I played in the MLC process and breakdown of a good marriage. I know for certain my W is going through MLC and that is all on her but after reading this book I realized how much I fed into the MLC process and became an enabler. I basically ended up doing everything the last year right before BD. I took all responsibility of bills, taking care of children and housework and dogs. I gave her an easy out of all responsibility which is obviously what any MLCr's wants.

I learned that I am a fixer/rescuer and even in the beginning of our relationship I always insisted on doing everything to "help" my W out because I always thought she had a lot on her plate. I realize now this was not healthy and only added to her feelings of worthlessness. By me doing everything she probably felt like I was under the impression she wasn't capable of doing it.

I find this revelation to be helpful for me as now I know what I need to work on to better myself regardless if she comes back or not. As I have seen progress from her I know she is still in limbo and unable to fully detach from OM at this time. I have become very dim recently and I have enjoyed reading this book and working on myself.

Anyways like I said not really update just journaling and hoping that any newbies can learn the importance of self healing. I hope that all who follow are well.

SMILE 

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #86 on: January 23, 2017, 07:55:06 AM »
So it's been a year since W has been out of the house. We have gotten together quite a bit recently and although we have a good time and have some good talks I never seem to know if she is still with OM or not. This is the most frustrating part because she doesn't ever post anything on social media about them or their relationship and as she lives 30 mins away I dont have any way of knowing if they are an item still. The fact that she constantly talks to me and gets together with me shows me that their relationship couldn't be too important but I dont really care one way or the other. I just like to get together once and away and see how she is progressing. I recently found out that they were out somewhere together and that secured my belief they were still an item of some sort.

With that being said I have decided to finally set a boundary I have been "scared" to set for a long time. I have decided to tell her that so long as she is in a relationship with him that it is not appropriate we hang out. For a long time I have been scared by this boundary because to me it I wont be able to check the progress. I now don't really care the progress, I will know the progress when or if she ever makes it out of the tunnel.

I feel good about setting this boundary with her. I think she has had a bit of cake eating recently and that has to end. She has to own her decision to be with him and only him. So we shall see how this goes. I just wanted to give a brief update.

Hope all is well with all you on Heros Spouse

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #87 on: April 06, 2017, 02:27:58 PM »
It's been awhile since I posted and things have pretty much been the same. W and I get together every other week or so and she is still with OM from what I can tell. I have been GALing like a boss and really do not let her actions affect me.

The problem that has arisen today which has caused me some grief is that S22 (W's Bio Child) lives with me while in University since he does not approve of his mothers MLC behavior. W has been trying to get in touch with S22 in regards to coming to her house to celebrate S16 birthday. S22 does not respond to her messages so she contacts me and asks if I can get him to come up there.

Now I am in the middle which I do NOT want to be. She screwed up that relationship with her S and now he is not wanting anything to do with her yet he lives with me. I don't know if I should tell her that he is mad at her as a true dart or if I should just let it go and not get involved. I don't really want to be the middle man, if she wants to fix the relationship she has to make an effort. But then again S22 is stubborn and thinks he can just ignore her.

Any advice? I've done really well up until this point. In one way I want her to know that he is pissed at her but then again I feel like he should just tell her he is mad and why.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #88 on: April 12, 2017, 03:34:19 AM »
Beacon,

My kinds are nowhere near the age of S22 but, for what it's worth... STAY OUT OF THAT MESS.... You can certainly tell S22 that his Bio Mom is trying to contact him. You can certainly tell HER that you passed the message on but more than that it is NOT your circus to deal with... W made this mess, she is going to have to clean it up... 

They are both adults. They need to deal with it (or not). It may very well be that S22 is done and dusted with her because of her behavior... Those are the consequences of her actions. She alone is responsible for bearing them....

Whether he lives with you or not is irrelevant... UNLESS she comes out of the tunnel and then makes a genuine attempt at reconnection/reconciliation... If you are living together again, they will HAVE to come to an understanding of some sort or another... Unless and until that point, from my POV, NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys...

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #89 on: April 12, 2017, 06:30:28 AM »
Thank you for the reply UM. I tend to agree with you and I have stayed out of it. I told him to answer his mother one way or another and I told her I passed the message on. Maybe she needs to realize that he isn't talking to her because of her actions. It may be a good thing. So I have tried to stay out of it. Like you say she needs to clean up that mess. Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. Hope all is well with you. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #90 on: April 12, 2017, 07:22:24 AM »
Good advice UM, and good for you staying out of it, Beacon.

You are not their go between.  They are adults.  This is her problem to solve.

You sound good, love the boundaries!   :)

We should never be afraid to make them out of fear.  Allowing them cake eat is never a good choice, it only shows lack of respect for ourselves.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #91 on: April 12, 2017, 07:30:38 AM »
Thank you thunder for your words. It certainly hasn't been easy but I know it's best for me at this point. I've kept busy by building a fish pond in my backyard. I love it, it's peaceful and I love watching the fish. Almost at 3 year BD anniversary and I definitely feel like I've grown and become a much better person. I still see W in limbo and wanting to spend time with both me and OM. Ive also seen improvement on her end but I know she is not fully hatched. Therefore I continue on doing things for me.

Thank you both for your thoughts. Very much appreciated.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #92 on: April 12, 2017, 07:47:11 AM »
You're welcome Beacon,

None of this is easy.  I agree this is the best for you.  I always said:

No Om/Ow = friends
Om/Ow = no friends

Simple as that.  Their choice.  They don't get to have you as an option.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #93 on: April 13, 2017, 03:33:43 AM »
Beacon,

One thing I would add as a matter of course, S22 also needs to be an adult and, if he does not want to talk to her, then he needs to tell her that..... Just doing the silent thing is Passive-Aggressive and not productive.  This means he might have to gather his courage and let her have it as to why but that can NOT be your job to pester him to answer.

He too is an adult (albeit a young one) and needs to be able to deal with people in his life in an adult fashion.  This is the time to learn it too when things are relatively safe. He has support (from you) and he can find out that, despite all experiences to the contrary from MLC Observation, the world will not end if someone is upset with him or he with them.... Conflict avoidance is NEVER a good thing... Doesn't mean we have to go out searching for it but it should not be avoided either...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #94 on: April 13, 2017, 06:53:41 AM »
Thunder: I agree with those boundaries and have tried to be firm with them however sometimes it's hard to know if she is with him or not.

UM: I was kind of thinking that as well. He needs not be passive. I will have to sit down and tell him that I understand he is mad but he should at least respond with why he is not wanting to see/talk to her. Although he has to do it on his own time when he is ready.

Offline Elegance

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #95 on: April 13, 2017, 06:56:51 AM »
Hey Beacon!

Good to see you posting. Hope you're doing well  :)

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #96 on: April 13, 2017, 07:03:07 AM »
Hey Elegance, thanks for stopping in, I haven't been on for awhile but I'm back and catching up. All is well. Hope things are good with you. 

Offline RainbowGal

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #97 on: April 16, 2017, 09:56:20 PM »
 Still following along Beacon.

 I like Thunder's boundaries.You have been at this a while now.Do not fear speaking your mind...firmly;calmly.You have more then paid your dues.S22 is well old enough to speak his mind directly.There is no need for you to get in the middle and try to fix your W's mess.Her mess;her clean up.
 
 You keep on going and enjoy that pond.Have always dreamed of a koi pond....one of these days!

 "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"-Audrey Hepburn

 
 
Me-52
Wife-56
T-29 years
M-November,2010
3-furry four-legged loving canine kids
EA begins-Jan,2011
Mini BD-April 1,2011
EA goes PA-Sept 2011
ILYBNILWY speech-Oct 2011
PA with alienator 20 years younger confirmed-early Nov 2011
Moved in and out 8 times before getting her $h!te together.

Reconnected November 7,2012
Reconciled,2013

 And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
-ABBA

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #98 on: April 17, 2017, 05:21:41 AM »
Thank you rainbow for stopping in. Great to hear from you and I did as you all suggested and left it alone. Told S22 to let his mother know directly as I was not getting involved. Getting fish for the pond this week. I'll post a picture soon. Again great to hear from you RG.
Hope all is well.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #99 on: April 21, 2017, 07:20:08 AM »
Just journaling this morning. I had a thought earlier today that led me to realize I still after over 3 years since BD that I am still holding anger toward W. Identifying this anger has shown me that I haven't forgiven her after all this time. I believe that by still getting together with her every once in awhile has hindered my ability to forgive her.

Knowing that she most likely gets together with me and then goes back to OM hasn't helped anyone in this process. I always justify getting together with her because I can't really be sure if she is with OM still and what their relationship entails. I now realize that it doesn't matter how I justify seeing her but that it isn't healthy. I have read numerous times by former MLCrs and by LBS's that the spouse has to realize they have lost you. I have allowed my W to believe that  I am still here available. Because of this back and forth I still feel anger and have not been able to forgive. I need to go dark and allow myself to forgive without my W distracting me with her antics.

My opinion is that in order to truly forgive you have to go dark and allow yourself time to forgive. That is my goal right now to learn to forgive.


Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #100 on: April 21, 2017, 08:06:06 AM »
That's real growth, Beacon.  To recognize the anger and why you have it.   ;D

Now to work through it, huh?

It's hard not to have anger towards them, but honestly..they don't care, so the only person you're hurting is yourself.  Holding on to negative feelings stops you from living a happy life.  It doesn't effect them at all.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #101 on: April 21, 2017, 10:53:41 AM »
I guess acknowledging the anger is the first step. If I had truly forgiven her I wouldn't still feel this anger. So yes the next step is working through it. It won't be easy or quick but I look forward to the experience.

It's funny because a year ago I would have told you I was over it and had completely detached and let go. Now I realize I was just trying to convince myself that I was. I now know that although I have made progress I have to be honest with myself. Because if I can see it then I'm sure my W can.

Thanks for the feedback Thunder.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #102 on: April 29, 2017, 06:47:11 PM »
Beacon, I absolutely agree that you need to make space in order to heal.  It would be extremely difficult and take a much longer time to achieve with the wound constantly being picked at and scabbed.  At first, it seems totally counterintuitive to go no contact, but honestly I don't think they miss it...they just do it to anchor check a lot of times to be sure you stay in your place.

Keeping them eating that cake gives them the best of both worlds, and slows their progress.  It's a limbo for both of you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #103 on: April 30, 2017, 04:44:05 AM »
I agree Beyond,

Honestly I think I have been allowing myself to get together with her so I could "anchor check" her. To kind of see where she is at mentally and if she is still with OM and if she has made any progress. I see though that it really does not help me to put myself in that situation. I will make conscientious effort to try and not allow that for myself. I feel like for two years now we have been in limbo and quite honestly it's exhausting. Thank you for you feedback Beyond.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #104 on: April 30, 2017, 08:28:54 AM »
Beacon,

You're still making great progress.   

You need to keep in mind 2 years is not that long of a time.
I remember where I was 2 years in.    ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #105 on: April 30, 2017, 04:25:03 PM »
I agree that I have made a lot of progress. Recognizing emotions and figuring out why I do certain things and how to change that behavior. Its been 12 days since we spoke and that is probably the longest we have been without speaking since BD. I made it a point that after she moved out that I wasn't going to initiate contact. So in the last 2 years she has been the one initiating.

I now see that isn't enough. If she contacts me I have to be less receptive. I think she has picked up on my "letting go" and that is why I haven't heard from her.  Even if I See her at work I pretend she isn't there. So I think the past couple weeks have been an eye opener. I mostly got tired of getting together with her and seeing her wearing a necklace with their initials on it. I even called her on the necklace and she shrugged it off like no big deal and said it was a gift that's all.

I realized then the severity of the cake eating. So I am just gonna take it a day at a time from here on out.


Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #106 on: May 11, 2017, 08:26:35 AM »
Just a quick update. It's been a few weeks now since W and I have spoken. Not because I've gone NC but because I have waited for her to contact me first. She hasn't contacted me recently and I am not what that is supposed to mean. I won't say it doesn't bother me because deep down I wonder if she has completely moved on. The only thing that leads me to believe something else is going on is because she has gone silent on FB also. When she used to post multiple times a day she now goes days without anything.

I don't know if she is in a state of depression or if she is just removing herself from everyone. I know it should not affect me and for the most part it doesn't, can only hope she is doing some mirror work but I'd also be lying if I say it doesn't worry me.

Just wanted to get those thoughts out in the open. I did a grace and change meditation last night and that helped me a lot to recognize feelings about the situation. I woke up feeling much better.

I guess it's just odd after years of some weekly contact since BD that now it's silent.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #107 on: May 11, 2017, 10:11:29 AM »
Beacon,

I guess I wouldn't concern yourself with her not contacting you.  You really have no idea why so coming up with scenario's does no good.

Yes, she could just be depressed.  They all do carry that along with them, every day. 

I saw my H go through 2 deep depressions and if I hadn't been around him to see the utter exhaustion I'm sure my mind would be all over the place.  It seemed to be that his days kind of all ran together in his numbness.
He wasn't communicating with anyone.

Or maybe she flew the coop and is vacationing in La La Land.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #108 on: May 11, 2017, 11:15:23 AM »
I'm trying not to ruminate on it and just carry on but each "new" development be it good or bad with her always stops me in my tracks and forces me to think about her despite all this time that has passed. Even saying I'm detached doesn't stop me from wondering.

It just helps to write it out and then move on with my day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #109 on: May 11, 2017, 12:34:03 PM »
Yep, I understand.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #110 on: June 04, 2017, 06:57:41 AM »
Had an interesting interaction yesterday with W. We had a benefit for a co worker and I went. Well W showed up as well with OM and S9 and S16. I don't think W knew I was going which is fine. The kids saw me and came and gave me a huge hug which was awesome.

The interesting part is that since BD I have never seen W and OM together and honestly most people at work are for some reason under the assumption W and I are still together. So it was uncomfortable for me that she was parading him around. I didn't make any attempt to approach them. Eventually W came over and made small talk in which I was friendly but not overly talkative. She kept coming over and trying to make conversation which was almost annoying.

Mind you it was a family event and I was with a group of friends and one of them said OMG that guy is taking his shirt off and they were making fun of him. I turned around and it was OM showing off a huge tattoo on his back. I was almost embarrassed for them.  8)

Anyway they ended up leaving and W text a friend and asked her to make sure I got home ok. Weird!!!

Other than that the day was ok I thought I handled myself well. I didn't talk bad about OM to friends or anything like that. I just tried to remain chipper and positive.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #111 on: June 04, 2017, 07:20:48 AM »
Good job, Beacon!

Proud of you.   ;D

Of course you got home ok.  What did she think you would run off a cliff?
Nah, OM's not worth it.  Beacon is moving forward with his life, thank you very much.   :)

Nice the kids gave you a big hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #112 on: June 04, 2017, 07:24:35 AM »
Thanks thunder,

I felt pretty good about how I handled myself and how I didn't let it affect me afterwords. I was glad the kids spent quite a bit of time with me at the event.

I know I thought it was odd that she sent that text. Last time I checked I was a responsible adult and was able to get home.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #113 on: June 15, 2017, 04:45:18 PM »
Just wanted to stop in and drop a book recommendation. I know we LBS are prone to anxiety and I've always suffered from anxiety since a young adult. I found "The fear and anxiety" solution book very helpful for me to work through a lot of my anxiety that stems from my spouse's MLC. Hopefully it can help someone else too.

http://spiritualityhealth.com/reviews/fear-anxiety-solution

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #114 on: October 25, 2017, 01:55:05 PM »
It's been a few months since I posted, I have been reading others posts from time to time but didn't really think there was anything new and exciting to post on my front.

It has been quiet with my W up until this week. To make a long story short I met up with W and S10 per his request. We had a good time and although it was awkward at first between W and I we eventually started talking up a storm. It's really hard to say if she has made any movement through this tunnel but she seemed a bit more relaxed and settled down if that makes sense. I enjoyed the outing and spending time with both of them however its now a couple days later and I have had mixed feelings. I love my W still very much and am standing still or I don't think I would be here posting.

My question is: is it normal to have these mixed feelings of I couldn't care one way or another if I get back together with her. I feel this is probably due to "Successfully detaching" but I guess I just wonder if this is normal. I have seen some positive changes in both myself and my W however I almost feel like I'm at the point where it may not matter too much longer.

I haven't dated because quite honestly I am happy with this ME time. We have been physically separated for 2 years as of this month and although I can't tell what the situation is with OM I can say they still do not live together and he isn't involved much in the kids lives. I feel she still loves me because I can see it in her eyes.

I guess I just need to keep taking it a day at a time but sometimes I just have to vent.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #115 on: October 26, 2017, 05:12:43 AM »
Quote
My question is: is it normal to have these mixed feelings of I couldn't care one way or another if I get back together with her. I feel this is probably due to "Successfully detaching" but I guess I just wonder if this is normal. I have seen some positive changes in both myself and my W however I almost feel like I'm at the point where it may not matter too much longer.

I expect that the answer is "Yes, it is normal." but it sure doesn't make it any less thought-provoking...

I also wonder if this borderline indifference is what provokes the Mid-Lifer to actually DO something.. I mean, that has to be the ultimate slap to the anchor check - you get the obvious impression that the anchor is no longer there... that HAS to scare the beejeebies out of them... 

That feeling of indifference is also, however, scary for us as it leads us to question our commitment to our Mid-Lifer.... If we no longer care if they come back or not, then what is the point of standing further?  Is it because the Mid-Lifer is still in a place where we are not interested in them? Have they come through the tunnel but we are not interested int eh person they have become? Has the pain we have suffered been enough to kill off any remaining desire for our former partner?

It opens up a WHOLE lotta questions...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #116 on: October 26, 2017, 07:13:46 AM »
It is thought provoking for sure. When I was with my W that day it felt like old times and it was easy to talk with her. I even slipped and called her honey one time.

I think the feeling of indifference is a mechanism I've learned to protect myself from attachment. I also agree with your suggestion that it is because the MLCr is not at a place in which we are interested in. I think that is the case in my situation, for the past 2 years we have gotten together every now and again and she wasn't fully cooked so I think to myself how is this time different.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #117 on: October 30, 2017, 06:15:33 PM »
This is such a long road, Beacon.

You sound good so keep moving along.  If she catches up with you some day down the road, then you can decide what is best for you.  You have time on your side.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #118 on: November 09, 2017, 02:40:20 PM »
Today I thought a lot of my W and I, after all this time apart and her being with AP it really surprises me that I can still sit here and think of what went wrong. In my thoughts I realized nothing went wrong. Our relationship was great until the very end. We were best friends and had something I believe to be special. I realize that our relationship never went wrong and that is what keeps me standing.

What went wrong is my W lost her way. And to me that is ok. Sometimes people need to lose their way to find it again. I've found that I have forgiven and I'm no longer angry toward her for being lost. I know for certain she is getting or going to get something out of this process. It takes time and although I'm not waiting, I am enjoying life.

I have never learned so much about me and life throughout this process so in a way I thank her for giving me this opportunity. To anyone standing keep your head up, if it's still early on for you I can assure you that you will find peace.

 :)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #119 on: December 06, 2018, 12:32:41 PM »
Beacon, you are now officially light purple!

Congrats and I wish you 2 the best of luck.  Everything is going in the right direction.

Stay strong..and patient, of course.
Keep us updated.

 :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #120 on: December 06, 2018, 01:27:58 PM »
Thank you, I was encouraged today to share my story of reconnecting. For anyone who doesn't know my story BD was 5 years ago around June. My partner and I have been together 7 years and she started showing signs of deep depression and reckless behavior including drinking to excess. I believe she was testing out the idea of an affair but that didnt come to light until a couple months later.

W denied any affair, eventually in November of 2014 I was absolutely positive of an affair and asked her to leave. We remained in contact the past 4 years that she has lived away from our home. She rents a house and never lived with AP. Things were rocky for those 4 years. Her wanting to get together and talk.

In July she told me that she had left AP and since I had noticed some positive changes in her since BD I decided to keep an open mind and take it a day at a time. The past 6 months we have spent a lot of time together with and without our kids. She has displayed signs of responsibility and in her overall level of maturity.

I know that she still speaks with AP and she has stated she is concerned he will hurt himself. I realize this is not my problem and try to stay out of it. She lives 30 minutes away and I cant really tell if she spends time with him or not but all I can do is hope she is being honest. I know we cant trust an MLCr as far as we can throw them but this is the situation I am dealing with. We have had great talks in which she has opened up about a lot of things. She has started she has always loved me but she just lost her sh#t.

If anyone has input I'm open to it. Reconnecting has almost been more difficult for me than watching the replay.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #121 on: December 06, 2018, 02:01:13 PM »
So good to see another pink book, Beacon!
Attaching to your story.
Wishing you wisdom and patience as you and your wife navigate this tricky period.  :)
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #122 on: December 06, 2018, 05:14:16 PM »
I think if you read the reconnecting stories on here Beacon you will see it isn't always easy.  It can be rocky for awhile, but if you both keep slowly moving in a positive direction and communicating it can be a very rewarding outcome in the end.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #123 on: December 07, 2018, 08:46:18 AM »
I kind of got a feeling today that I wanted to throw in the towel. Luckily I distracted myself and kept on going throughout my day. The biggest problem with reconnecting has been not knowing if she is being truthful about not being with AP.

I allowed myself to overthink a situation and turn it into a emotional disaster for myself. I realize this overthinking is my problem not hers but I did kind of treat her like crap because of it. At what point does it become easier to trust they are really done with AP.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #124 on: December 07, 2018, 10:30:39 AM »
Attaching Beacon.  Reconnecting is a very difficult process.  I’m glad you’re here to help provide some more insight.

I’m 98.5% my H’s AP is out of the picture as I very much could feel her around when it was active.  She’s an employee so she unfortunately will always be around until she quits (H too afraid to fire her) I am trusting my intuition more and more.  Monkey braining creeps in often and I have to push it away. She is a boundary for me and if she does come back my H knows I will stop all attempts to reconnect.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #125 on: December 07, 2018, 11:08:13 AM »
Always love to see re-connection stories. I know it is difficult Beacon. But we are here for your venting needs. ;) From what I've seen, they will be great. Reconnection is tough. But you've gotten this far.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #126 on: December 07, 2018, 11:22:32 AM »
Ah that darn trust thing. 

I think, to me, that would be the hardest to over come.  When do you start believing them?  Trusting them?

I sure don't know but I guess you just have to start somewhere, unless they give you reason not to.
Is it taking a risk?  Yes I suppose it is.
But maybe taking a risk is better than not taking a risk.

Just my opinion.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #127 on: December 07, 2018, 11:30:25 AM »
I agree, it's taking a risk and I am willing to do that because the rest of our interactions are good. I just hate that I'm fixating on an AP. It shouldn't be that important but its difficult for me seeming as that was the root of the lies during BD and replay. I will take this time to do some work for me and get out and do some gardening and try to refocus.

Thank you

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #128 on: December 07, 2018, 06:34:05 PM »
Beacon, congratulations on the light purple . Its a huge step forward and on to the next challenge. I see you are feeling normal and appropriate emotions regarding trust and "risk" and they will indeed last for a long long time. Trust needs to be re-built , it is not a gift that you can grant someone after such betrayal. It takes repeated honest actions, an ability for the MLC spouse to answer your questions and give re-assurance when it is requested , not to lie etc etc. It is the hardest thing to quiet the voices in your head , the wondering, the caution, worry , fear and the deep hurt of feeling all these things . For me , it was perhaps a different reaction than most . I did NOT worry or stress about him contacting the affair partner when I realized that if he did ... I knew exactly what I would do. I already had the answers should that happen. It would stop all the stress, all the difficult emotions of reconnecting etc, because it would be 100% over. And I never worried about it again. I could not control what he chose to do , but I sure knew what I would do if he chose to continue with his affair. And it always comes out ...the truth will always float to the top and sooner or later I would know. And then the struggle would have been over for me and that almost felt like relief to me. I did not fear it for another second. Odd... I know. I remember telling him..."if you choose to go near this person for even 1 second ...even 1 text ...one single wave of your hand ...NEVER will we discuss it, debate it, listen to excuses or explanations because I promise you, you will NEVER lay eyes on me again. I felt extremely secure in that ...the rest was up to him ( that I cannot control) . You will get to calmer places and more secure in some of your own answers, but it takes a very very long time. Its painful. Just remember that every single emotion that you experience is normal ...there is nothing "wrong" with how you feel. How could you feel differently given the situation? .  I will follow along with support and compassion..its a hard road and a new direction. It will be ok...
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #129 on: December 08, 2018, 12:21:15 AM »
Welcome back Beacon.  I read your thread from the beginning so that I could catch up with your story. 

I am curious to hear what the time was like for you when you were away from the forum.  What was going on for you?  What are some of the things or behaviours you have seen in your W that have you more assured that this is reconnection.  I know that's a difficult question to answer because it's often something that is felt and not easily explained.  Any insight and sharing of your experience would be gratefully received though.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D16 and S15

Online Treasur

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #130 on: December 08, 2018, 01:25:56 AM »
You said on your earlier post that you know your w is still in contact with the AP bc she says she is worried he will hurt himself.
So, given that, it is sensible that your trust is very limited until or unless she ends contact completely. (And you know in your gut that the 'concern' excuse is just that, a bit of narcissistic nonsense). Time will tell if your w actually does what she needs to do or not, and how you manage your own boundaries about it.
The one thing that seems clear is that reconnection, and tidying the mess, is not quick, easy or a straight line for either you or your w.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #131 on: December 08, 2018, 04:00:10 AM »
Following, Beacon. Thanks for sharing your reconnection experience. I am not in your place so have no advice to give but want to wish you well.

They say that the OP is often hanging on during reconnection but the fear that the OP will hurt themselves will have her parenting the OP for ever. Does your W ever mention seeing an IC?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #132 on: December 08, 2018, 07:46:44 AM »
Milly, thanks for stopping in. As far as my W interaction with OP I do believe they aren't in a relationship anymore like she says. However she has mentioned to me he didnt take it well and that he still continues to contact her in regards to working things out. I hope one day she can figure out that she cant save everyone. As far as counseling goes she would never even entertain the idea. It's just something she doesn't believe in unfortunately.

It's a slippery slope but I've backed off a bit and am allowing her the time she needs to work it out. One day at a time.

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #133 on: December 08, 2018, 08:02:28 AM »
I am curious to hear what the time was like for you when you were away from the forum.  What was going on for you?  What are some of the things or behaviours you have seen in your W that have you more assured that this is reconnection. 

I spent some time away from the forum because I felt I was repeating myself for 4 years. Venting the same frustrations and I guess I needed a break from that.

One thing I noticed change in my W was she stopped talking bad about herself. When I compliment her she is able to accept it instead of her usual self deprecation. She has become more in tune with my well being instead of being selfish. Like you say it's often hard to explain but I guess for once I felt like it was connecting as opposed to the numerous touch and goes. Plus the honesty she was able to present with some of the things she'd done.

 

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