[Thunder]

That's real growth, Beacon.  To recognize the anger and why you have it.   

Now to work through it, huh?

It's hard not to have anger towards them, but honestly..they don't care, so the only person you're hurting is yourself.  Holding on to negative feelings stops you from living a happy life.  It doesn't effect them at all.

[Beacon]

I guess acknowledging the anger is the first step. If I had truly forgiven her I wouldn't still feel this anger. So yes the next step is working through it. It won't be easy or quick but I look forward to the experience.

It's funny because a year ago I would have told you I was over it and had completely detached and let go. Now I realize I was just trying to convince myself that I was. I now know that although I have made progress I have to be honest with myself. Because if I can see it then I'm sure my W can.

Thanks for the feedback Thunder.

[beyondblessed]

Beacon, I absolutely agree that you need to make space in order to heal.  It would be extremely difficult and take a much longer time to achieve with the wound constantly being picked at and scabbed.  At first, it seems totally counterintuitive to go no contact, but honestly I don't think they miss it...they just do it to anchor check a lot of times to be sure you stay in your place.

Keeping them eating that cake gives them the best of both worlds, and slows their progress.  It's a limbo for both of you.

[Beacon]

I agree Beyond,

Honestly I think I have been allowing myself to get together with her so I could "anchor check" her. To kind of see where she is at mentally and if she is still with OM and if she has made any progress. I see though that it really does not help me to put myself in that situation. I will make conscientious effort to try and not allow that for myself. I feel like for two years now we have been in limbo and quite honestly it's exhausting. Thank you for you feedback Beyond.

[Thunder]

Beacon,

You're still making great progress.   

You need to keep in mind 2 years is not that long of a time.
I remember where I was 2 years in.   

[Beacon]

I agree that I have made a lot of progress. Recognizing emotions and figuring out why I do certain things and how to change that behavior. Its been 12 days since we spoke and that is probably the longest we have been without speaking since BD. I made it a point that after she moved out that I wasn't going to initiate contact. So in the last 2 years she has been the one initiating.

I now see that isn't enough. If she contacts me I have to be less receptive. I think she has picked up on my "letting go" and that is why I haven't heard from her.  Even if I See her at work I pretend she isn't there. So I think the past couple weeks have been an eye opener. I mostly got tired of getting together with her and seeing her wearing a necklace with their initials on it. I even called her on the necklace and she shrugged it off like no big deal and said it was a gift that's all.

I realized then the severity of the cake eating. So I am just gonna take it a day at a time from here on out.

[Beacon]

Just a quick update. It's been a few weeks now since W and I have spoken. Not because I've gone NC but because I have waited for her to contact me first. She hasn't contacted me recently and I am not what that is supposed to mean. I won't say it doesn't bother me because deep down I wonder if she has completely moved on. The only thing that leads me to believe something else is going on is because she has gone silent on FB also. When she used to post multiple times a day she now goes days without anything.

I don't know if she is in a state of depression or if she is just removing herself from everyone. I know it should not affect me and for the most part it doesn't, can only hope she is doing some mirror work but I'd also be lying if I say it doesn't worry me.

Just wanted to get those thoughts out in the open. I did a grace and change meditation last night and that helped me a lot to recognize feelings about the situation. I woke up feeling much better.

I guess it's just odd after years of some weekly contact since BD that now it's silent.

[Thunder]

Beacon,

I guess I wouldn't concern yourself with her not contacting you.  You really have no idea why so coming up with scenario's does no good.

Yes, she could just be depressed.  They all do carry that along with them, every day. 

I saw my H go through 2 deep depressions and if I hadn't been around him to see the utter exhaustion I'm sure my mind would be all over the place.  It seemed to be that his days kind of all ran together in his numbness.
He wasn't communicating with anyone.

Or maybe she flew the coop and is vacationing in La La Land.   

[Beacon]

I'm trying not to ruminate on it and just carry on but each "new" development be it good or bad with her always stops me in my tracks and forces me to think about her despite all this time that has passed. Even saying I'm detached doesn't stop me from wondering.

It just helps to write it out and then move on with my day.

[Thunder]

Yep, I understand.