Beacon, congratulations on the light purple . Its a huge step forward and on to the next challenge. I see you are feeling normal and appropriate emotions regarding trust and "risk" and they will indeed last for a long long time. Trust needs to be re-built , it is not a gift that you can grant someone after such betrayal. It takes repeated honest actions, an ability for the MLC spouse to answer your questions and give re-assurance when it is requested , not to lie etc etc. It is the hardest thing to quiet the voices in your head , the wondering, the caution, worry , fear and the deep hurt of feeling all these things . For me , it was perhaps a different reaction than most . I did NOT worry or stress about him contacting the affair partner when I realized that if he did ... I knew exactly what I would do. I already had the answers should that happen. It would stop all the stress, all the difficult emotions of reconnecting etc, because it would be 100% over. And I never worried about it again. I could not control what he chose to do , but I sure knew what I would do if he chose to continue with his affair. And it always comes out ...the truth will always float to the top and sooner or later I would know. And then the struggle would have been over for me and that almost felt like relief to me. I did not fear it for another second. Odd... I know. I remember telling him..."if you choose to go near this person for even 1 second ...even 1 text ...one single wave of your hand ...NEVER will we discuss it, debate it, listen to excuses or explanations because I promise you, you will NEVER lay eyes on me again. I felt extremely secure in that ...the rest was up to him ( that I cannot control) . You will get to calmer places and more secure in some of your own answers, but it takes a very very long time. Its painful. Just remember that every single emotion that you experience is normal ...there is nothing "wrong" with how you feel. How could you feel differently given the situation? . I will follow along with support and compassion..its a hard road and a new direction. It will be ok...