Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Hey, are you making it out on a limb  (Read 11714 times)

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #120 on: December 06, 2018, 01:27:58 PM »
Thank you, I was encouraged today to share my story of reconnecting. For anyone who doesn't know my story BD was 5 years ago around June. My partner and I have been together 7 years and she started showing signs of deep depression and reckless behavior including drinking to excess. I believe she was testing out the idea of an affair but that didnt come to light until a couple months later.

W denied any affair, eventually in November of 2014 I was absolutely positive of an affair and asked her to leave. We remained in contact the past 4 years that she has lived away from our home. She rents a house and never lived with AP. Things were rocky for those 4 years. Her wanting to get together and talk.

In July she told me that she had left AP and since I had noticed some positive changes in her since BD I decided to keep an open mind and take it a day at a time. The past 6 months we have spent a lot of time together with and without our kids. She has displayed signs of responsibility and in her overall level of maturity.

I know that she still speaks with AP and she has stated she is concerned he will hurt himself. I realize this is not my problem and try to stay out of it. She lives 30 minutes away and I cant really tell if she spends time with him or not but all I can do is hope she is being honest. I know we cant trust an MLCr as far as we can throw them but this is the situation I am dealing with. We have had great talks in which she has opened up about a lot of things. She has started she has always loved me but she just lost her sh#t.

If anyone has input I'm open to it. Reconnecting has almost been more difficult for me than watching the replay.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #121 on: December 06, 2018, 02:01:13 PM »
So good to see another pink book, Beacon!
Attaching to your story.
Wishing you wisdom and patience as you and your wife navigate this tricky period.  :)
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #122 on: December 06, 2018, 05:14:16 PM »
I think if you read the reconnecting stories on here Beacon you will see it isn't always easy.  It can be rocky for awhile, but if you both keep slowly moving in a positive direction and communicating it can be a very rewarding outcome in the end.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #123 on: December 07, 2018, 08:46:18 AM »
I kind of got a feeling today that I wanted to throw in the towel. Luckily I distracted myself and kept on going throughout my day. The biggest problem with reconnecting has been not knowing if she is being truthful about not being with AP.

I allowed myself to overthink a situation and turn it into a emotional disaster for myself. I realize this overthinking is my problem not hers but I did kind of treat her like crap because of it. At what point does it become easier to trust they are really done with AP.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #124 on: December 07, 2018, 10:30:39 AM »
Attaching Beacon.  Reconnecting is a very difficult process.  I’m glad you’re here to help provide some more insight.

I’m 98.5% my H’s AP is out of the picture as I very much could feel her around when it was active.  She’s an employee so she unfortunately will always be around until she quits (H too afraid to fire her) I am trusting my intuition more and more.  Monkey braining creeps in often and I have to push it away. She is a boundary for me and if she does come back my H knows I will stop all attempts to reconnect.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #125 on: December 07, 2018, 11:08:13 AM »
Always love to see re-connection stories. I know it is difficult Beacon. But we are here for your venting needs. ;) From what I've seen, they will be great. Reconnection is tough. But you've gotten this far.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #126 on: December 07, 2018, 11:22:32 AM »
Ah that darn trust thing. 

I think, to me, that would be the hardest to over come.  When do you start believing them?  Trusting them?

I sure don't know but I guess you just have to start somewhere, unless they give you reason not to.
Is it taking a risk?  Yes I suppose it is.
But maybe taking a risk is better than not taking a risk.

Just my opinion.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #127 on: December 07, 2018, 11:30:25 AM »
I agree, it's taking a risk and I am willing to do that because the rest of our interactions are good. I just hate that I'm fixating on an AP. It shouldn't be that important but its difficult for me seeming as that was the root of the lies during BD and replay. I will take this time to do some work for me and get out and do some gardening and try to refocus.

Thank you

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #128 on: December 07, 2018, 06:34:05 PM »
Beacon, congratulations on the light purple . Its a huge step forward and on to the next challenge. I see you are feeling normal and appropriate emotions regarding trust and "risk" and they will indeed last for a long long time. Trust needs to be re-built , it is not a gift that you can grant someone after such betrayal. It takes repeated honest actions, an ability for the MLC spouse to answer your questions and give re-assurance when it is requested , not to lie etc etc. It is the hardest thing to quiet the voices in your head , the wondering, the caution, worry , fear and the deep hurt of feeling all these things . For me , it was perhaps a different reaction than most . I did NOT worry or stress about him contacting the affair partner when I realized that if he did ... I knew exactly what I would do. I already had the answers should that happen. It would stop all the stress, all the difficult emotions of reconnecting etc, because it would be 100% over. And I never worried about it again. I could not control what he chose to do , but I sure knew what I would do if he chose to continue with his affair. And it always comes out ...the truth will always float to the top and sooner or later I would know. And then the struggle would have been over for me and that almost felt like relief to me. I did not fear it for another second. Odd... I know. I remember telling him..."if you choose to go near this person for even 1 second ...even 1 text ...one single wave of your hand ...NEVER will we discuss it, debate it, listen to excuses or explanations because I promise you, you will NEVER lay eyes on me again. I felt extremely secure in that ...the rest was up to him ( that I cannot control) . You will get to calmer places and more secure in some of your own answers, but it takes a very very long time. Its painful. Just remember that every single emotion that you experience is normal ...there is nothing "wrong" with how you feel. How could you feel differently given the situation? .  I will follow along with support and compassion..its a hard road and a new direction. It will be ok...
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #129 on: December 08, 2018, 12:21:15 AM »
Welcome back Beacon.  I read your thread from the beginning so that I could catch up with your story. 

I am curious to hear what the time was like for you when you were away from the forum.  What was going on for you?  What are some of the things or behaviours you have seen in your W that have you more assured that this is reconnection.  I know that's a difficult question to answer because it's often something that is felt and not easily explained.  Any insight and sharing of your experience would be gratefully received though.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D16 and S15

 

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