Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Hey, are you making it out on a limb  (Read 14818 times)

Offline Blue Freedom

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #80 on: October 23, 2016, 12:44:31 AM »
Beacon,

I'm impressed and encouraged by your courage, strength, patience and compassion. You sound hopeful, but solid in yourself. That can be a hard balance to maintain as we all know.

I've always seen parallels in our two situations and they continue to happen. Though I'm feeling more at peace with everything I'm still a newbie at 10 months since BD and 7 months since she moved out. I hope things in my case are moving a bit faster because the OM was an EA that, I believe, ended about the time W moved out. The spending, drinking and partying seem to be slowing down. Mutual friends say she looks depressed and she is spending most evenings alone at home. Her  less frequent monstering seems half-hearted and she is making up reasons to stop by the house. But as our 15 year-old  daughter said yesterday, "Mom is only half baked. Leave her in the oven until she's done."

My thoughts and prayers are with you Beacon.

Blue

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #81 on: October 23, 2016, 03:46:49 PM »
Thank you Blue,

I actually just finished reading your update you posted. You seem to have a good handle on things in your situation. The way you respond to your W's antics is very good. It certainly has been a long 2.5 years for me but I honestly would not change any of it.

Continue to be strong with your W because I'm sure she still has some cycling left in her where she will come and go. Just continue with patience. After a great week with my W she has taken to closing herself up in her house all weekend. I feel bad for her at times but I also know she needs this time to continue her work. So here you and I are left to being patient.

Thank you for stopping in and good hearing from you. 

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #82 on: October 31, 2016, 01:41:22 PM »
Halloween probably isn't a big holiday for most but it is a holiday my W and I always loved and put 100% into. We would always find a party and spends hours making costumes and having a good time. This year is the first year we wont be doing that and it has me kind of off my game. My W moved out Nov 1st of last year which is tomorrow and also an anniversary I do not want to remember.

With that being said she sent me a message about a scary movie she found and suggested I watch it. We got to small talk and she said she isn't doing anything for Halloween because she is poor. She went on to say that she is drinking rum and cokes and watching scary movies all day. I feel badly for her but I also know I can't save her. I thought about asking her to come over for scary movies but then again I don't want to be there for her right now. That probably sounds cold but it's how I'm feeling today. I guess the hurt has resurfaced due to these anniversaries.

It's all crazy to me that she has been moved out for a year now and I have seen progress in her but I know there is still a lot more that needs to come. So I will let her sit on her own and think about these things today instead of being the fixer.

Anyways just a little bit of journaling as I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #83 on: November 10, 2016, 06:52:39 AM »
My W and I seem to always come together when there is some kind of tragedy in the world and yesterday's day after the election results one of those days. We ended spending the whole together and had a lot of good conversations in regards to her situations involving her crisis. She even joked a few times "I've already been through my midlife crisis", she spoke about how she has forgiven her mother for their struggling relationship. She seemed as though she has done a lot of mirror work and she even commented on how she has really looked inside herself and made changes. While all this sounds positive she still wears a necklace with OM and her initials on it and still was chatting with him on her phone at times.

So sure I felt good about the progress I've seen in her but I still am confused at how she is still with him. I don't know the extent of the relationship but obviously something is there. I know we have to let the relationship run its course and I am allowing for that but at the same time it's frustrating.   

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Strange Journey, Reconnection may be stranger!!
« Reply #84 on: November 14, 2016, 08:01:39 AM »
I am at the point where I can see there has been progress as far as her doing mirror work and all that good stuff. I guess my question is can reconnection happen while the MLCr is still with OM. I really have no way of knowing what the status of their relationship is at this point. She has never really posted on social media about their relationship or him at all (must be a great relationship). I have noticed that she has come around a lot more and is contacting me more and wanting to do things with the kids and I more. I couldn't be sure if it's real reconnection or not but it certainly is different from previous touch and goes. I know for certain she still talks to him and they do not live together so I can't say one way or another if they are truly an item still or not. Has anyone had experience in a reconnection while MLCr may still be hanging on to OM?

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #85 on: December 19, 2016, 04:32:50 PM »
Hello everyone,

Not so much an update but journaling I suppose. I have recently read a book called 'Codependent No More' which has helped me a lot in figuring out what part I played in the MLC process and breakdown of a good marriage. I know for certain my W is going through MLC and that is all on her but after reading this book I realized how much I fed into the MLC process and became an enabler. I basically ended up doing everything the last year right before BD. I took all responsibility of bills, taking care of children and housework and dogs. I gave her an easy out of all responsibility which is obviously what any MLCr's wants.

I learned that I am a fixer/rescuer and even in the beginning of our relationship I always insisted on doing everything to "help" my W out because I always thought she had a lot on her plate. I realize now this was not healthy and only added to her feelings of worthlessness. By me doing everything she probably felt like I was under the impression she wasn't capable of doing it.

I find this revelation to be helpful for me as now I know what I need to work on to better myself regardless if she comes back or not. As I have seen progress from her I know she is still in limbo and unable to fully detach from OM at this time. I have become very dim recently and I have enjoyed reading this book and working on myself.

Anyways like I said not really update just journaling and hoping that any newbies can learn the importance of self healing. I hope that all who follow are well.

SMILE 

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #86 on: January 23, 2017, 07:55:06 AM »
So it's been a year since W has been out of the house. We have gotten together quite a bit recently and although we have a good time and have some good talks I never seem to know if she is still with OM or not. This is the most frustrating part because she doesn't ever post anything on social media about them or their relationship and as she lives 30 mins away I dont have any way of knowing if they are an item still. The fact that she constantly talks to me and gets together with me shows me that their relationship couldn't be too important but I dont really care one way or the other. I just like to get together once and away and see how she is progressing. I recently found out that they were out somewhere together and that secured my belief they were still an item of some sort.

With that being said I have decided to finally set a boundary I have been "scared" to set for a long time. I have decided to tell her that so long as she is in a relationship with him that it is not appropriate we hang out. For a long time I have been scared by this boundary because to me it I wont be able to check the progress. I now don't really care the progress, I will know the progress when or if she ever makes it out of the tunnel.

I feel good about setting this boundary with her. I think she has had a bit of cake eating recently and that has to end. She has to own her decision to be with him and only him. So we shall see how this goes. I just wanted to give a brief update.

Hope all is well with all you on Heros Spouse

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #87 on: April 06, 2017, 02:27:58 PM »
It's been awhile since I posted and things have pretty much been the same. W and I get together every other week or so and she is still with OM from what I can tell. I have been GALing like a boss and really do not let her actions affect me.

The problem that has arisen today which has caused me some grief is that S22 (W's Bio Child) lives with me while in University since he does not approve of his mothers MLC behavior. W has been trying to get in touch with S22 in regards to coming to her house to celebrate S16 birthday. S22 does not respond to her messages so she contacts me and asks if I can get him to come up there.

Now I am in the middle which I do NOT want to be. She screwed up that relationship with her S and now he is not wanting anything to do with her yet he lives with me. I don't know if I should tell her that he is mad at her as a true dart or if I should just let it go and not get involved. I don't really want to be the middle man, if she wants to fix the relationship she has to make an effort. But then again S22 is stubborn and thinks he can just ignore her.

Any advice? I've done really well up until this point. In one way I want her to know that he is pissed at her but then again I feel like he should just tell her he is mad and why.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #88 on: April 12, 2017, 03:34:19 AM »
Beacon,

My kinds are nowhere near the age of S22 but, for what it's worth... STAY OUT OF THAT MESS.... You can certainly tell S22 that his Bio Mom is trying to contact him. You can certainly tell HER that you passed the message on but more than that it is NOT your circus to deal with... W made this mess, she is going to have to clean it up... 

They are both adults. They need to deal with it (or not). It may very well be that S22 is done and dusted with her because of her behavior... Those are the consequences of her actions. She alone is responsible for bearing them....

Whether he lives with you or not is irrelevant... UNLESS she comes out of the tunnel and then makes a genuine attempt at reconnection/reconciliation... If you are living together again, they will HAVE to come to an understanding of some sort or another... Unless and until that point, from my POV, NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys...

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #89 on: April 12, 2017, 06:30:28 AM »
Thank you for the reply UM. I tend to agree with you and I have stayed out of it. I told him to answer his mother one way or another and I told her I passed the message on. Maybe she needs to realize that he isn't talking to her because of her actions. It may be a good thing. So I have tried to stay out of it. Like you say she needs to clean up that mess. Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. Hope all is well with you. 

 

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