Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Hey, are you making it out on a limb  (Read 14821 times)

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22386
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #90 on: April 12, 2017, 07:22:24 AM »
Good advice UM, and good for you staying out of it, Beacon.

You are not their go between.  They are adults.  This is her problem to solve.

You sound good, love the boundaries!   :)

We should never be afraid to make them out of fear.  Allowing them cake eat is never a good choice, it only shows lack of respect for ourselves.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #91 on: April 12, 2017, 07:30:38 AM »
Thank you thunder for your words. It certainly hasn't been easy but I know it's best for me at this point. I've kept busy by building a fish pond in my backyard. I love it, it's peaceful and I love watching the fish. Almost at 3 year BD anniversary and I definitely feel like I've grown and become a much better person. I still see W in limbo and wanting to spend time with both me and OM. Ive also seen improvement on her end but I know she is not fully hatched. Therefore I continue on doing things for me.

Thank you both for your thoughts. Very much appreciated.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22386
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #92 on: April 12, 2017, 07:47:11 AM »
You're welcome Beacon,

None of this is easy.  I agree this is the best for you.  I always said:

No Om/Ow = friends
Om/Ow = no friends

Simple as that.  Their choice.  They don't get to have you as an option.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9536
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #93 on: April 13, 2017, 03:33:43 AM »
Beacon,

One thing I would add as a matter of course, S22 also needs to be an adult and, if he does not want to talk to her, then he needs to tell her that..... Just doing the silent thing is Passive-Aggressive and not productive.  This means he might have to gather his courage and let her have it as to why but that can NOT be your job to pester him to answer.

He too is an adult (albeit a young one) and needs to be able to deal with people in his life in an adult fashion.  This is the time to learn it too when things are relatively safe. He has support (from you) and he can find out that, despite all experiences to the contrary from MLC Observation, the world will not end if someone is upset with him or he with them.... Conflict avoidance is NEVER a good thing... Doesn't mean we have to go out searching for it but it should not be avoided either...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #94 on: April 13, 2017, 06:53:41 AM »
Thunder: I agree with those boundaries and have tried to be firm with them however sometimes it's hard to know if she is with him or not.

UM: I was kind of thinking that as well. He needs not be passive. I will have to sit down and tell him that I understand he is mad but he should at least respond with why he is not wanting to see/talk to her. Although he has to do it on his own time when he is ready.

Offline Elegance

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2077
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #95 on: April 13, 2017, 06:56:51 AM »
Hey Beacon!

Good to see you posting. Hope you're doing well  :)

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #96 on: April 13, 2017, 07:03:07 AM »
Hey Elegance, thanks for stopping in, I haven't been on for awhile but I'm back and catching up. All is well. Hope things are good with you. 

Offline RainbowGal

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #97 on: April 16, 2017, 09:56:20 PM »
 Still following along Beacon.

 I like Thunder's boundaries.You have been at this a while now.Do not fear speaking your mind...firmly;calmly.You have more then paid your dues.S22 is well old enough to speak his mind directly.There is no need for you to get in the middle and try to fix your W's mess.Her mess;her clean up.
 
 You keep on going and enjoy that pond.Have always dreamed of a koi pond....one of these days!

 "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"-Audrey Hepburn

 
 
Me-53
Wife-57
T-30 years
M-November,2010
3-furry four-legged loving canine kids
EA begins-Jan,2011
Mini BD-April 1,2011
EA goes PA-Sept 2011
ILYBNILWY speech-Oct 2011
PA with alienator 20 years younger confirmed-early Nov 2011
Moved in and out 8 times before getting her $h!te together.

Reconnected November 7,2012
Reconciled,2013

 And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
-ABBA

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #98 on: April 17, 2017, 05:21:41 AM »
Thank you rainbow for stopping in. Great to hear from you and I did as you all suggested and left it alone. Told S22 to let his mother know directly as I was not getting involved. Getting fish for the pond this week. I'll post a picture soon. Again great to hear from you RG.
Hope all is well.

Offline BeaconTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hey, are you making it out on a limb
« Reply #99 on: April 21, 2017, 07:20:08 AM »
Just journaling this morning. I had a thought earlier today that led me to realize I still after over 3 years since BD that I am still holding anger toward W. Identifying this anger has shown me that I haven't forgiven her after all this time. I believe that by still getting together with her every once in awhile has hindered my ability to forgive her.

Knowing that she most likely gets together with me and then goes back to OM hasn't helped anyone in this process. I always justify getting together with her because I can't really be sure if she is with OM still and what their relationship entails. I now realize that it doesn't matter how I justify seeing her but that it isn't healthy. I have read numerous times by former MLCrs and by LBS's that the spouse has to realize they have lost you. I have allowed my W to believe that  I am still here available. Because of this back and forth I still feel anger and have not been able to forgive. I need to go dark and allow myself to forgive without my W distracting me with her antics.

My opinion is that in order to truly forgive you have to go dark and allow yourself time to forgive. That is my goal right now to learn to forgive.


 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.