Author Topic: My Story #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !  (Read 6840 times)

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« on: May 22, 2016, 11:58:37 AM »
I did not post in my topic since  August 02, 2015 which is partially good, partially is not. What happens since then ? Wife make Christmas tree, all by her self ! She bought presents for each of us ! My mother dies at February 01. 2016. she has peaceful death, she dies  in sleep, I will always love You mom, You will live in my memories !  I lost my dog at April 13. 2016. So, quite "awesome" year... Fortunately I finished my transformation so,  I deal with all  of those deaths with no significant damage. It is hard and painful, but I dealing with it well.

W actually see me. She talk to me. Our relation and being is easy. We are stil disconnected. REPLAY is done, I can feel it. She still have a lot work to do on self. She is more calm, less nervous, she is still depressed, but she do not hide anything. She  treat me as husband, but there no talk about us. There is still no any physical contact whatsoever. But when we walk  we walk in line and we are walking closer to each other. Also at home she does not avoid me when we cross each other path. She talking and talking. :) I have no problems to listen and actively contribute. She is changed a lot. Somewhere she wrote this year should be year  of realization whatever that means. She is more into reality. D says that W seems to want be closer to her.

This is in brief. I would wrote more when catch some time for it.


Previous topics:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3615.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4149.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4305.0

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2016, 12:14:08 PM »
Attaching. So sorry for the loss of your mom and then the loss of your dog. That is a lot to go through in a short time frame.

Offline Lanzo

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2016, 01:08:01 PM »
Hi There,

I was wondering where you got to, especially as I used to read your thread on replay which is what brought me to HS, anyway look forward to hearing more about your sitch and how you are getting on.


Lanzo
We survive, Life really does go on

Offline Hmmm

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2016, 01:31:28 PM »
Lovely to hear from you Albatross. I too devoured your writing early on.

Pleased there is progress even if it's at a snail's pace
Xxx

Offline 1trouble

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2016, 02:02:57 PM »
Albatross
Great to see you back here, I never forgot the beautiful words you wrote about how you feel for your wife...

Lovely to read there are some small tentative positive steps in your story, long may they continue and turn into big confident strides xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Anjae

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2016, 03:59:42 PM »
Nice to see you posting, Albatross.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Glad to know that there are some positive steps with your MLCer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thundarr

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2016, 04:15:30 PM »
Hi Al,

Glad to see the good news too.  Will be watching in hopes my XW follows a similar path out of the tunnel.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2016, 05:17:21 PM »
Al,

I haven't read a lot of your story, even though I have read many of your responses to people, but looking at your information you are about in the same time frame as me.  BD was 2011.

I've seen many changes in my X since then.  Most of them good.
This MLC sure does take years to get through, doesn't it?   ::)

Attaching!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2016, 01:23:48 AM »
Hi There,
I was wondering where you got to, especially as I used to read your thread on replay which is what brought me to HS, anyway look forward to hearing more about your sitch and how you are getting on.
Lanzo

Seems that being absent from this forum was necessary for my "Hero path". I did REPLAY. Maybe I would open a topic about MLC as whole soon and try to share with people what I learned about it after all of this years.

Lovely to hear from you Albatross. I too devoured your writing early on.

Pleased there is progress even if it's at a snail's pace
Xxx

Thank you Hmmm. Actually she made huge moves forward in this year.


Albatross
Great to see you back here, I never forgot the beautiful words you wrote about how you feel for your wife...

Lovely to read there are some small tentative positive steps in your story, long may they continue and turn into big confident strides xx

I am at very good place with my self. I love her stil... But she is stil not lovable :D There is no romantic feelings at all from my side. I do not see her in relationship with me. So, we are two single people who live in same place, sharing kids, history of marriage :D and economy. We are like roommates, not friends neither quittances. Hard to label it. Anyway I learned that One suppose not to label anything and anyone. So, I can live with that. And yes, I feel sorry for her and can empathize with her and with her struggle. Just accepting her as she is like always I did. And as I wrote she made huge movements in this year.


Nice to see you posting, Albatross.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Glad to know that there are some positive steps with your MLCer.

Thank you Anjee. Yes, she moves in big steps this year.


Hi Al,

Glad to see the good news too.  Will be watching in hopes my XW follows a similar path out of the tunnel.

Let's hope for that !

Al,

I haven't read a lot of your story, even though I have read many of your responses to people, but looking at your information you are about in the same time frame as me.  BD was 2011.

I've seen many changes in my X since then.  Most of them good.
This MLC sure does take years to get through, doesn't it?   ::)

Attaching!   :)

Yes, but let's hope they get over point of no return in their "Hero path"...

Attaching. So sorry for the loss of your mom and then the loss of your dog. That is a lot to go through in a short time frame.

Thank You, it was horrible... But I take it as adult people suppose to do. Like Yoda said: "Death is natural part of life."


Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2016, 12:46:23 PM »
When she were in replay, I did not exists for her, so it was much easier for me. (eating popcorn)
Now I am involved in her life, not because I want to, it is because she wants it. (eating crap)
So, I am again drugged in her world of insanity. (half baked MLC-er) (She trying to reconnect, but wont work, not because of me.)
Like was before BD and she were in process of disconnection.

She running out of drugs. (Nothing works for her anymore)
OM's does not make her life better, in fact make it worst. (So far I know she is out or replay)
So, so far I know it is now, she is desperate for drugs, but she spend all of them.
And she conclude that she suppose to live as hermit because nobody could understand her.
Can You see how rigid and stubborn, proud egomaniacs they are  ?
Nothing is wrong with me, everyone else is fuc*ed up up, world is firetruck*ed up.

Anyway as You can see when she were in later phases of replay I was not so much on forums because I ate my popcorn, now I would be more involved here... Crisis like going backward how goes forward.

What's a gonna be ? Running back in replay to hide into crisis or hitting finally liminal depression ?
« Last Edit: August 12, 2016, 12:50:53 PM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2016, 02:05:24 PM »
I have impression that they go on reverse. Like she complain all the time about everything to me before replay now she doing again. Basically nothing is good around her. Work, people, system, world, You name it :)

Also she start to gossip about other people to me. My experience, gossipers do the same about everyone to everyone. Gossiping is in my opinion serious sign of psychological problems. Actually is releasing probe balloons and testing other people what they think about particular person, if they get justification from listener then they feel good because then their rationalization s and delusions become "real" and truthful. And they can be "victims". I am normal, he is not, he is darker, projecting own shadow in others.

In reverse proces of MLC end those people who approve her gossips before and those are also very broken people now make her nervous, because now she knows that all is her fault, not mine. And those people only can bring her down. In other words she does not need them anymore. Reality start to kicks in.

How I refuse her projections she is desperate when she feel lost and when she feel guilt, so she trying to project own shadow in me in hope that I would receive it and engage my shadow with hers.

Today was discussion  about tolerance, and she were very intolerant about orthodox Muslim people who wearing traditional cloths, specially woman. She is convinced that she is in general tolerant person. So, I show her in row of logical conclusions how I see her at least in that case where she is intolerant. She obviously wants to be and feels as tolerant and then she got from me arguments which prove opposite. She suddenly stop talking...

Like if our western woman have to obey rules in Muslim orthodox countries by dress codes, we suppose to ask from their woman in our countries to do the  same. I said that we are tolerant so we do not demand the same from them, and in same time we obey their rules if our woman going in such countries, or they can chose not to go if they wont to give up from western standards of freedom about dress codes.

She has problems today with woman friend who accuse her for being selfish. :D All of that make her desperate and angry. So she accuse me that I talking to much when I express my self and that I all the time explaining her things (that is huge, she obviously have low opinion about self knowledge) so she think that I think that she is ignorant, which I do :D But I do not explain to her anything, just express what I think about something... like I do usually with anyone else.

And that I am not changing self ever, which is also her projection, before BD she were saying that I am changed a lot in comparison with my self when we met each other for the first time. So, I suppose to be what she want I should be ?! :) And she even do not know who she is ?  Ironic ! And I say to her that she actually do not know me at all. And also that I do not know her at all.I told her that if she from her perspective have impression that I talk too much, she suppose to say it, I am not mind reader. Then she accuse me that I have lack of empathy, otherwise I should sense it. (The hell I can sense it when she do not express any kind of feelings, verbal or body language). So, there she stop talking and passively aggressively go to other room.

I forget that she would "spend" all the people and remain totally alone when she mention that she would say everything what she have to say to that woman friend... Then she said that she do not need anyone...

Anyway some progress she made, because she trying to get along with me and with those arguing and gossiping show a bit of care... lol

How I feel ? Like on battlefield :D You do not know when You will be ambushed. :D But I really learn how to cope with irrationality. Is not pleasant at all I have to admit, but I do not take anything personally. So, remain calm and do not allow her to receive her projections.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 02:13:31 PM by Albatross »

Offline PatienceGalore

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #11 on: November 25, 2016, 02:33:16 PM »
Hi albatross, rejoining your thread. Looking forward to reading along.
M:1994
BD: 31st Dec 2012..Happy New Year!
"I want a new love, I want to take risks, I want a new relationship with the kids"...thanks, what's wrong with the one you had???

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2017, 01:44:10 AM »
Yesterday I was ambushed out of blue with another bomb after 4 years of the first one. She bought ticket for Sting concert 500 km away is not highway, it is ordinary lane in both directions from my home town. That was in spring this year. She just inform me about it. I ask her why did not invite me going with you there ? Which would be normal between spouses. She said that she have no energy and will to go with anyone, because she wont anymore make compromises and does not want that anyone spoil her joy, so she going alone. Everything point out that she going forward in crisis like  I wrote in my last post. She get back from that concert. Suddenly she drop the bomb. She find a job in her hometown where her father live and she saying, I accept a job without any heads up beforehand. She suppose to live with her 81 years old father. And I said to her, do you know what that means ? She said, yes I know. That we are done, because I said to her, if you move out we are done. Yes, second bomb drop is different than first one, but I could not even imagine that I would affected like I am. So, she consider completely normal that I should be just informed and she will live with us whole month until September 1 ?! And we, I, my kids would not be affected, and she suppose to sleep in same bed with me ? She also talk with each of kids and tell them what she decide. She were decisive. WTF moment.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2017, 04:42:59 AM by Albatross »

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2017, 05:17:02 AM »
Wow Albatross, what a shock that must have been, for you and the kids.  I'm so sorry.

These MLCer's just feel so entitled.  Just do what ever they want with no regards for anyone else.
I don't know what to say.

Are the kids ok?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2017, 05:54:46 AM »
Just when I think I've heard the lowest, most callous thing a Mid-Lifer could do, someone comes along with yet another doozie...

Sleeping in the same bed? Firetruck that! she can sleep on the couch!

Make bloody darn sure that your financial ducks are in a row and do it NOW. Otherwise, when it DOES come time for her to really move, your Mid-Lifer will probably try to clean you out...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2017, 01:07:56 PM »
Wow Albatross, what a shock that must have been, for you and the kids.  I'm so sorry.

These MLCer's just feel so entitled.  Just do what ever they want with no regards for anyone else.
I don't know what to say.

Are the kids ok?

Ty for your input and sympathy. Kids felt it, because she lives 4,5 years after BD at home. So, they aren't surprised, but for sure some shock exists. She is out of replay, she haven't anymore shark eyes. She admit that she cannot live like we do as family and she have to seek own answers, hero path, whatever. To find own purpose in life, own bliss , whatever she seeks for... That was what happens was imminent I felt that is coming, she have to awake or explode, according my last post. So, she explode.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2017, 10:36:51 AM »
Does anyone experience that your spouse never left home after BD for 4 years and when spouse go out of replay then leave, or I am the special one LBS ? :D

Offline Mae

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2017, 11:53:50 AM »
I had a BD in 2004. H stayed at home and we reconciled. His crisis lasted around 7 months. Seven years later I had another BD in 2011, he moved out for around six weeks, that cycle lasted about three months. And now the latest BD in 2017, he moved out for four months and is now home. We are reconnecting I think....but he's not the same. I'm not even sure he wants to be here. I don't think my H has MLC, I think he suffers from cyclic depression.

I'm sorry you had another BD.....this is very hard.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline Superman

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2017, 01:00:49 PM »
Big AL--- Have you considered that she might not have ever faced her issues and closed the doors to them and so is still in replay after all these years? There are false BD....and there are false returns...it would make sense that there would be false exits of replay as well.....

Sorry you are dealing with this..that is tough.


Offline heroIam

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #19 on: August 03, 2017, 01:35:54 PM »
Sorry to hear this Al.
Just take care of yourself and the kids.
Nothing you can do about your MLCer.
The selfishness never ceases to amaze me.

Kind of makes me think of the quote:
'Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me'.  :-\
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2017, 01:36:24 PM »
Big AL--- Have you considered that she might not have ever faced her issues and closed the doors to them and so is still in replay after all these years? There are false BD....and there are false returns...it would make sense that there would be false exits of replay as well.....

Sorry you are dealing with this..that is tough.

Hello S man, how you been ? Is things in your home any better ? I did not write or read so much last year. You are good in your response, I did not consider possibility that she did not leave replay. But in one I am sure that she thinks that man sux, life sux and that she drop man in general. So, she seeks for more drugs but not any more OM's.  I sense that she does not feel sexual at all, which I could sense before when she were in heat of  full blown replay. Apparently she is in her mind in her hometown which she in normal state of mind, hates. So, could be replay but she possibly regress even more in past before puberty to solve issues from childhood and family of origin issues. Also she could be out of replay and in withdrawal phase by Conway and want solitude.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2017, 01:39:03 PM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2017, 01:42:27 PM »
Sorry to hear this Al.
Just take care of yourself and the kids.
Nothing you can do about your MLCer.
The selfishness never ceases to amaze me.

Kind of makes me think of the quote:
'Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me'.  :-\

They are completely out of compassion and empathy. Which bother me the most with her is temporary insanity because nobody can cope with insanity.

Just when I think I've heard the lowest, most callous thing a Mid-Lifer could do, someone comes along with yet another doozie...

Sleeping in the same bed? Firetruck that! she can sleep on the couch!

Make bloody darn sure that your financial ducks are in a row and do it NOW. Otherwise, when it DOES come time for her to really move, your Mid-Lifer will probably try to clean you out...

I am king of finances, my apartment it is, I bring it as mine in marriage, so she can blow me :D

Offline Superman

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #22 on: August 03, 2017, 03:06:55 PM »
Albatross--

On the outside looking in....it appears to me that she is camouflaging her replay activities, which makes sense as they try different masks on only to move on to the next and the next.  Your description makes it feel like she is still caught up with a lot of internal turmoil. 

Online OffRoad

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #23 on: August 05, 2017, 12:51:11 AM »
Does anyone experience that your spouse never left home after BD for 4 years and when spouse go out of replay then leave, or I am the special one LBS ? :D
Mine stayed home for 18 months. The replay I saw was drinking to the point of puking, trying to pull all nighters, and basically being mostly teenagerish. Right before mine moved out, I saw more younger selves. Mine has been in his own place for 11 months, and about a month ago finally decided he needed to file for the divorce he's supposedly needed since 2.5 years ago. Except he needs to leave his stuff with me.

I think we're all special  in our own unique, and yet not unique ways.

I think yours started to get clarity and panicked and ran back to a time she hadn't addressed yet. It's possible she has hit the stage where they give it that one last effort to try to push us away, right before they come out of it. It'd be nice if that were so.

 I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #24 on: August 05, 2017, 05:40:51 AM »
Wow Albatross, what a shock that must have been, for you and the kids.  I'm so sorry.

These MLCer's just feel so entitled.  Just do what ever they want with no regards for anyone else.
I don't know what to say.

Are the kids ok?

She hit the rock bottom. She does not speak or it is about pass me a bread, what is on TV and other daily things. D did not react what she said to her and just confirm that she get at knowledge, like OK ... OK ... OK. Son did the same. After that she do not engage them. D said to me that she (W) do not deserve any respond from her, any emotions. Actually she make joke saying to mother that she wants car and alimony. Black humor.

It is very awkward situation at home. She have to be on vacations two weeks by law, she use to run away in her hometown whenever she can, now she stay here ?! My son saying that she is nuts, nobody saying to spouse I am moving to live in my hometown with dad and I quit job and take job there NEXT month ?! And he said that she could say, next year.

I do not understand why she staying here two weeks on vacation ? Does anyone have any clue ?
« Last Edit: August 05, 2017, 05:53:13 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #25 on: August 06, 2017, 11:26:23 AM »
I think yours started to get clarity and panicked and ran back to a time she hadn't addressed yet. It's possible she has hit the stage where they give it that one last effort to try to push us away, right before they come out of it. It'd be nice if that were so.

 I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this.

That could be true because she is done with other man, she cannot works in any romantic relationship, in relationship with kids, in relationship with anyone else. Only with people who are in same mess, so they can be victims and being depressed together. So, basically she have to break limbo. She is without OM since November last year and reconnection with me does not work because I am man too. :) So, she have to regress even more and find time when she suffer injury. She said that she wait that our son finish high school and kids then do not need her. So limbo it is, so she have to change dynamics between her and life and break limbo. I strongly believe that is good for both of us, I will gain total freedom and she also. But now our marital status will be public.

I was very surprised that she still project own misery to the world You can read it from her blog, link is in my signature.

Time will tell

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2017, 12:03:21 PM »
I see your 1st bd was in 2011.  So was mine.

I agree she probably never really came out of replay. Maybe she just needs to be on her own to figure herself out.
Of course she sounds like a Low Energy MLCer, they don't really go in replay, I think it's more Wallowing, and they sometimes can take a long time.  : (
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #27 on: August 06, 2017, 12:29:00 PM »
Albatross--

On the outside looking in....it appears to me that she is camouflaging her replay activities, which makes sense as they try different masks on only to move on to the next and the next.  Your description makes it feel like she is still caught up with a lot of internal turmoil.

Yeah You could be right, she lost joy in replay and living double life so she can go in her hometown to finally be free to do what she wants and that suppose to make her happy, but nonetheless her shadow going after her and I would not be there and she can't anymore project in me own misery.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #28 on: August 11, 2017, 03:38:06 AM »
- W wants to go with kids shopping. After she announce kids that she leaving them ? So, she ask D to ask me would I go. D said to her, why you don't ask him ? W said I wont, D said, OK I will ask him, so she did ask me, I said no. (I found that later, D said that to me, which I assume that was case). So they go, later I find out that kids dismiss all talking about why W decide to go, so W haven't opportunity to say them. They did shopping, take coffee and W realize that they avoid any conversation about her leaving, so they spend time in shallow, fun like talking.

- I get a grip wit complete awkward situation, she talk and act like nothing happens and like she will live here forever and in same time she have own agenda. She haven't any argument why she leaving, and if you push her she project all on me, like deflecting, change subject and attack, you soon find self in defense, so it is pointless trying to make rational conversation.

- That concert actually is trigger why she leaving. I can only speculate that she were there alone and there were couples of our age and they enjoy golden age in loving relationship and she is with me and that does not work. And she does not want to be in dead relationship anymore, it is all or nothing (She mumble something similar when we talked). Also could be that she expect to experience youth again and she realize that Sting is not anymore young, he is old, and his performance were away different than he were young...  I  also strongly believe that W "best friend" which is also MLCer - confirmed have huge influence on W and W admire her, she somehow represent her mother and W desperately seeking love from her, also that woman is role model which W copy. I can only speculate that W most likely nag about our relationship and saying that she will leave, so eventually her best friend saying to her, you just blabber, you haven't guts to do it. So, W have to prove her that she have guts...

- W is very depressed and do not want to piss anyone of us, she screamed in dream so hard that she wake me up even I have very deep sleeping. I believe monster wants to go prisoner do not want it. Her relationship with kids become much worse than before, they do what ever it takes to avoid her.

- D has birthday 23th couple a days before, W made lasagna and cake, all home made. I hug and kiss my D and congratulate her birthday. W give her high five without any words, beside give me five ?! Apparently she is most likely scared how D will react, so she avoid any hugging and kissing. Go figure !
« Last Edit: August 11, 2017, 03:43:49 AM by Albatross »

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #29 on: August 11, 2017, 04:20:19 AM »
Quote
I  also strongly believe that W "best friend" which is also MLCer - confirmed have huge influence on W and W admire her, she somehow represent her mother and W desperately seeking love from her, also that woman is role model which W copy. I can only speculate that W most likely nag about our relationship and saying that she will leave, so eventually her best friend saying to her, you just blabber, you haven't guts to do it. So, W have to prove her that she have guts...

Ah yes.... The "Toxic Friend." In my case, I know for certain that there is a Toxic Colleague who said EXACTLY what you described above to my W... "You just talk, you are too weak to do it..." and so on... Now THERE is one person whom I would SO much love to see get run over by the Karma Bus... and she will... It is a matter of time.. She (TC = Toxic Colleague) has not been able EVER to maintain any long-term stable relationship where the other person was in close distance... Her longest R's have been weekend R's if that...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #30 on: August 13, 2017, 11:17:12 AM »
W suggesting D that all of us suppose to take some family trip ?! D said that make her puke. It is quite interesting how W behave, I assume she feel  nothing for us and she assume - project self in us, so she is completely without empathy and any compassion, so she is totally blind how we feel. She expect from us that we suppose to accept as normal what she doing and she obviously hopes that nothing will change between her and us.

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2017, 04:39:38 AM »
Hi Albatross,

Could the move to her father possibly be an attempt to heal a wound. My W had past sexual abuse and that's what preceded our BD. She found the perpetrator on Facebook and I was stunned that day when she showed me the photo. She lives with her parents in our home but I believe she needs them to come to terms with that abuse. She messed up our bedroom in May 2017 in response to this abuse, so apparently, she is still dealing with this wound. Just a thought.

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2017, 10:58:10 AM »
Hi Albatross,

Could the move to her father possibly be an attempt to heal a wound. My W had past sexual abuse and that's what preceded our BD. She found the perpetrator on Facebook and I was stunned that day when she showed me the photo. She lives with her parents in our home but I believe she needs them to come to terms with that abuse. She messed up our bedroom in May 2017 in response to this abuse, so apparently, she is still dealing with this wound. Just a thought.

That could be also possible. My SIL said that "something terrible happens" when she study college out of home, when she visit home atmosphere in family was changed, she never find out what happens. W in that time was in high school. They have difference in age 4 years. I will write what I spot in that as family issues.

W get back home from weekend in her home town. She sleep longer up to 10 AM which is very unusual for her because she usually wake up always early. Seems that she can't sleep, I can only suppose that she spend weekend as I and resonate how her life will look like. Seems like she doubting about her rushed decision. I am guilty because she live in marriage which not works, so she make decision to not be at all. Time will show.
« Last Edit: August 15, 2017, 11:07:29 AM by Albatross »

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #33 on: August 16, 2017, 04:31:37 PM »
Hi Albatross,

In my recent PM I referenced the MLC Survey. I have since gone to my files and updated the data for newer submissions and thought I would show you all the charts of some of the stats--I created a single image with the charts for showing here.

The first column of charts is MLC for both genders, in the 2nd column I show male MLCers and female MLCers in the 3rd. I wanted to show you all the charts for each gender alone so that you can see the differences. For you, Albatross, check out the third row of charts. These show whether an MLCer who was an AT-Homer for at least the first year after Bomb Drop becomes after leaving--and this does include those who have not yet left as well--Still-Home.

Women are more decisive about leaving than men and are more likely to become Distant Contacter when they do leave. It is especially important to understand that this is even true for those women who remain at home for a long period after Bomb Drop--because I think that many of us have the idea that if the MLCer is staying home (and you are as well), then the odds are better for reconciliation.
This survey does not show reconciliation odds because I publicized it years ago and those taking it were not so far along as to even be there, so this is more like a during MLC survey. I'd love to have it be continuous and get updates, but the scope for something like that is beyond my individual abilities--at least now.

But I do think if we could see reconciliation odds, we would see that Distant Contacters have a lower rate of reconciliation.


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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #34 on: August 20, 2017, 10:23:56 AM »
Thank You for your input RCR, really appreciate it !

So, my wife make own decision without ask me anything based on feelings from that concert and under influence of her "best" GF who actually tell my wife about that job, and as majority of you thinks that she is awaken and see damage committed and have to runaway from that impossible situation or she is still in escape and avoid so she escape and avoid from own responsibility and own shadow.

So, I tell her all what I hold in self in last 4,5 years, about her FOO issues and how that affect her, and about MLC, she pay attention what I said with watery eyes. After I finish she blame me for everything and her arguments were hilarious , so I am very disappointed because she still projects own misery to the world... So I stop trying to talk with her. During my speech  I told her at least 5 times that I love her as always. Later because it is impossible talking to her I send her FB message like this:

"Green eyes (hard to translate it is my nickname for her), your doll (hard to translate, her nickname for me) talking to you. I love you, I always loved you and I will love you forever. I am sure kids love you too. I don't want you to leave, we don't want you leave. But if you have to because you have to find yourself again, or meaning of life or inner peace or happiness. But if you decide to leave, you can freely to visit us whenever you like, and I hope that you will someday come to your home, your family, to me, because you belong here, because it is destiny that we were together and we should be together."

She said that I am changing tactics to positive way ?! I cut her off and said please don't talk ! What I type, I really think like that and feel like that, so that message to you is genuine, you can trust me or not, it is your choice. Basically she think that I am manipulative an trying to control her. Later I asked her couple of times that if she wanna talk that I am here and willing to listen. But there  is no any try from her side.

She acts like she never go ? She did not going over there for weekends and moving her stuff ? She have 10x more own cloth and personal items in here than I ? I really do not understand. I will tell her before she going that she don't go if she does not want it despite she quit job and take there new one.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 10:35:42 AM by Albatross »

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #35 on: August 21, 2017, 07:45:08 AM »
Albatross, I apologize if I'm wrong, but to me it sounds like telling her all this just gives her a
green light to do what ever she wants with no consequences.  You will be there waiting for her
when she's done doing her thing, no matter what that thing is.

Do you think that's wise?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2017, 10:51:56 AM »
Albatross, I apologize if I'm wrong, but to me it sounds like telling her all this just gives her a
green light to do what ever she wants with no consequences.  You will be there waiting for her
when she's done doing her thing, no matter what that thing is.

Do you think that's wise?

I realize that I did not wrote that I intent to say to her that she already lost children, but I realize that will be cruel, so I said that she could lost children and spouse. So, she suppose to get that part of possible losing everything important in life. Later I send that message trough facebook to reassure her. But anyway she were decisive making alone major decision without asking me or own children, we are just informed.

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #37 on: August 21, 2017, 11:47:30 AM »
Oh I see.

But so far she's not doing anything, right?  Not making a move to leave?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #38 on: August 21, 2017, 01:42:14 PM »
Oh I see.

But so far she's not doing anything, right?  Not making a move to leave?

That is mind-blowing, she said on July 30. that she take job in her home town and she will move there at September 1. to start work. Who normal do that ? But she will go because she quit job here and sign contract over there. I am simply at point where I releasing her to God completely.   

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #39 on: August 31, 2017, 12:30:08 AM »
Couple days a go I initiate again talk after 3 weeks. I ask her why you do not talk about what you intent to do ? She said that nobody wants to talk ? OMG ! So, she is so self absorbed and center of universe and extremely passive aggressive, completely projecting self to the world, still. This time talk goes about almost hour. In middle of talking D come home. She was attended in room and just listen. I put in her brain hundreds of seeds. Last time everything was my fault. This time we aren't a soulmates, we haven't nothing in common. She does not leave children, she leaving me. She repeat at least 5 times that she leave me. So, her angry inner child still project in me does not matter I am not prone to receive them. On her mantra I said no, you running away from your self ! And repeating it on each her mantra. She said that she do not want to spend rest of her life like she live before we split apart. So she showing a fear to suck up in old life from where she escaping from. I said, there no possibility to get back there, we are both changed and only what we could do make new relationship. I said that I am committed to God my marriage and my vows is my rock. So, I said it is easy being in marriage when all blossom, it is hard to be when is bad and I am still here to endure bad times.

I said that my dream was having own family and have own home, own sanctuary, and that I lived my dream. I made clear difference between dream and fantasy. Dream I said is something which could be made being real and there are people as they are in difference fantasy world is impossible to live in reality because in fantasy everything should be like person fantasize.

She said that she lived for family too. Sure to some point in time, actually she spoke about it during crisis which is a lie, she just pretend and act like that in same time she try to have wild fantasy life in reality, living double life. So she lied. and she knows very well what she did during crisis.

I said to her that she could not cope with anyone with such exclusive thinking and behaving. I called her for her metaphor when we start to date about that she is shell and that she is open completely to new people, means self as she is and being vulnerable (but she thinks that she were like that, showing only fully persona not inner self, so a lie) and how other person make her harm (where are there healthy personal boundaries ?)  she closing self as a shell until  the point when she closed completely. There is no openings, only closing. So, I said that means in case that I was perfect husband I will commit for sure errors in 25 years and will be history. She said, yes. :D She memorize all bad things and not able to forgive and when is shell  closed, you are expired. After all that means I was really good spouse because I endure for 25 years. :) I said that means you cannot be with anyone. Of course she saying to me that I am deluded and that is over, and that I refusing to accept reality. I said, just go forward with self destruction, you will burn self to the ashes. I said that she with that closing conversation because she haven't any solid arguments and that I not allow it, so conversation go on. All conversation was calm even she repeating own mantras, trying to provoke me and if I explode then she could think, there he is, he playing games and playing cool but he now showing real self. I did not play anything, I being just me. And I am very proud of my self who I become. I said, I fighting for my W from year 1987 and I still really love that woman and I still see you as such, but I am really sorry that you do not see me as such from same year. I am still that guy. She said that I am changed (in worst way, because she become opposite what she was - projection). I said, ofc i am changed, I am mature adult with more knowledge and more wisdom, but in my core  i am the same guy from 1987.

All of this, seems to me is scream for help or desperate move. In last days she completely clean kids room which she did not in years. Also all what happening feels so strange and unnatural. I never doubt that she is in MLC. She simply running away from own shadow. Whole this month I feel like living in grave, where she is there death is, feel that energy of death. Horrible feeling.

Strangely after that second conversation I felt much better. And in last few days I stop to feel her bad energy, like she stop to project in me ?! She is very depressed. She even try to watch Turkish TV novella OMG :)

At the end I said to her, you do not need to leave just because you quit a job and take over there a job. She said, I will keep that in my mind. Above all her father going today on surgery second time, he have cancer in bladder...

Yesterday she sing song "Should I stay or should I go" Go figure ?!
« Last Edit: August 31, 2017, 12:59:07 AM by Albatross »

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #40 on: August 31, 2017, 04:15:52 AM »
Albatross,

I don't think all this talking about your relationship is doing any good.  If she is in her crisis nothing that makes sense
will change her mind.  She's going to do what ever she's going to do.  You just can't stop her, or control her.

I guess I would just accept that you can't fix crazy.  Just be light and friendly with her.  She doesn't need all the pressure
right now about how she should stay and realize how important your marriage is.  She sees you as not accepting what
she is saying and trying to manipulate her.  That's how SHE sees it.  YOU not accepting reality.

I'm sorry, I know how painful this is, but all you can do is let go of her.   That's what she is asking you to do.
She will only resent you if you don't and it will push her further away.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #41 on: August 31, 2017, 06:45:53 AM »
Attaching mate
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #42 on: August 31, 2017, 01:09:09 PM »
I don't think all this talking about your relationship is doing any good.  If she is in her crisis nothing that makes sense
will change her mind.  She's going to do what ever she's going to do.  You just can't stop her, or control her.

I am in MLC since November 2011 and I know almost all about it. I did not talk about relationship with her since February 2013 ! And I have to react on one sided decision made by her and also to see and feel where she is and what was changed in last 4,5 years. So I did what I did because of me not her. I know that crisis belong to her and I know that I cannot fix her and God no to control her, I never ever try to control anyone.

I guess I would just accept that you can't fix crazy.  Just be light and friendly with her.  She doesn't need all the pressure
right now about how she should stay and realize how important your marriage is.  She sees you as not accepting what
she is saying and trying to manipulate her.  That's how SHE sees it.  YOU not accepting reality.

You miss completely topic :) Who cares what she need ? :) And yes I have right to accept whatever I like, that is my right as she have own rights. And at last I am not accepting reality ? Reality is that she did adultery, she destroying self and family, she trying to live in fantasy world and so on and on, and that is reality. And I do not give damn about her reality, really :)

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #43 on: August 31, 2017, 01:46:04 PM »
Ok, I understand.  I'm sorry Albatross if I upset you, I didn't mean to.

YOU ARE looking at reality but she THINKS you are not.   That's all I meant.
Her reality is a fantasy, you see the truth.



A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #44 on: August 31, 2017, 01:48:34 PM »
Ok, I understand.  I'm sorry Albatross if I upset you, I didn't mean to.

YOU ARE looking at reality but she THINKS you are not.   That's all I meant.
Her reality is a fantasy, you see the truth.

I am not upset, just want to clarify. And I am sorry because I misunderstood you, what You wrote in this post I can agree with. :)

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #45 on: August 31, 2017, 02:49:06 PM »
No problem, Albatross.   :)

You and I are on the same timeline, Class of 2011.

Isn't it odd your w seemed to come out of her crisis but went back in again?
Maybe she just wasn't quite done yet.  I'm sorry.

This sure takes a long time. >:(
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #46 on: September 02, 2017, 02:35:39 AM »
No problem, Albatross.   :)

You and I are on the same timeline, Class of 2011.

Isn't it odd your w seemed to come out of her crisis but went back in again?
Maybe she just wasn't quite done yet.  I'm sorry.

This sure takes a long time. >:(

She was dumped by OM in November last year, so she then go in depression. When she is in depression she write on blog, when she is replay she does not write blog. She were in withdrawal depression from OM. After November last year she wrote blog until June 2017. then she go into replay again. So, she come out of tunnel and try to cope with life and that wont work because she does not change self a bit, so if coping skills does not work before would not now. Then she hit limbo, means just floating and hope to something happens from outside, nothing happens so she then become desperate and have to change something to break limbo. And then she leave to change city, family, workplace. But shadow will go with her. :D

I believe my W have some borderline personality disorder issues and MLC was imminent for her. According her blog she is done with man in general including me, she cannot cope in any of those OM relationships. She have to regress deeper and solve possibly issues from childhood. Then possibly coming in picture next OM more replay... God knows.

Nevertheless  she is in tunnel and fog still, I am sure completely about that she have no empathy whatsoever and she is in fog and she is extremely selfish.

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #47 on: September 02, 2017, 08:28:25 AM »

Sorry to hear you have been at this for a long time Albatross, and things are so difficult again right now. Will your W be gone in the next day or so, will it really heppen? I don't think my H will be able to do the hard work that is required to travel through his MLC, I think that he would much rather take a path that he thinks is going to be easier & keep on running. I think you were intimidating this about your W in your last post. Wishing you all the best and sending strength through this difficult time.
Me 45
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3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #48 on: September 03, 2017, 12:06:43 AM »

Sorry to hear you have been at this for a long time Albatross, and things are so difficult again right now. Will your W be gone in the next day or so, will it really heppen? I don't think my H will be able to do the hard work that is required to travel through his MLC, I think that he would much rather take a path that he thinks is going to be easier & keep on running. I think you were intimidating this about your W in your last post. Wishing you all the best and sending strength through this difficult time.

Yes, she is gone... She did two wash machines of laundry and put them to dry ?! She made lunch. Unreal and painful atmosphere. She act whole day and talking to me like she will never go away from home. I can't simply understand her actions, it was actually very annoying that she doing laundry... Why ? She ask D by FB would she go with her in her hometown because she have own cloth to drive there and later bring car back, I find that later. After lunch she go to ask son would he go with them ? He said no. She ask him are you angry ? He said no.

She come back in room and I felt that she is very nervous. I like do not exists for her. She walk around rooms in house like doing farewell with home  where she lived for 29 years, and all in house is made by her own wishes, there are our children make first steps, there we spend so much great time, fun as family.... painful to see her and feel her. She sat on couch and wait for D to get ready. She have watery eyes... Son remain in other room she did not say to him good by, no hug, no kiss, no anything...

D is ready. She said. I am leaving. Wish you all a luck... She did not say anything directly to me. Hearth brooking and would be engraved forever in my mind and my heart...

I said, good luck on trip.

Later D said that she fall apart in car, crying ...

I find out that she each morning when I was in bathroom she pack stuff  and left before I come from bathroom and put stuff in car... each day in last three days. She obviously  does not want neighbors witnessing...

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #49 on: September 03, 2017, 12:39:55 AM »
So sorry Albatros.. take all the time you need to digest what has happened.... Please dont try and contact her, let her contact you when she is ready. As hard as it seems it might be better for you that she has moved away. Atleast you wont have to live with the Ghost of the woman you once knew...
All the best in this hard time..
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #50 on: September 03, 2017, 05:02:02 AM »
I'm sorry too, Albatross,

So terribly sad what this crisis does to them, and everyone who cares about them.
I agree just feel what you need to feel right now.  There's just no going around it. 

The fact that she cried at least shows she felt something.

Hugs

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #51 on: September 03, 2017, 05:18:51 AM »

Oh Albatross, I'm so sorry, although you had warning, sometimes it's hard to believe until it really happens. And to leave without saying goodbye to your S, so sad for him too.

Take care, hope your D is back with you soon, I imagine you would want your kids close at this time.

Ps I noticed a typo in my last post, it should have said 'intimating' not 'intimidating'.
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Superman

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #52 on: September 03, 2017, 07:08:48 AM »
Albatross-- There is no way to really describe those feelings...I remember it so well. MY XW was very similar in her behavior when she left...She ended up leaving in the middle of the night so she could avoid all of us. She then returned a month late with no discussion or anything to gather her stuff up. It was unbelievably difficult.  I don't think it matters whether they stay or go...both are difficult in their own way. All I can do is live my life the best I can for me and my children....it still hurts no matter what.

Maybe this move will help your w begin to taking action regarding this crisis...maybe in some weird way it will turn out to be progress and a good thing?? Who knows?? I personally tend to look for the positives in all situations.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #53 on: September 03, 2017, 12:47:58 PM »
Thank you Whyus, Thunder, CanLetGo, Superman.

How feels ? It is unreal, unnatural and barbaric what she doing self and all of us...
I am quite emotional, I start to cry in grocery store with not apparent reason.. I am praying a God to find a way to stop loving her, but there is no way...

Maybe this move will help your w begin to taking action regarding this crisis...maybe in some weird way it will turn out to be progress and a good thing?? Who knows?? I personally tend to look for the positives in all situations.

Completely agree. I am kin to think that she have to move breaking limbo, could be good chances that she breaking limbo and finally going in liminal depression and she cannot go there with us ? Maybe she have to be complete alone ? And she cannot be here with us.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2017, 01:07:59 PM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #54 on: September 05, 2017, 12:22:14 AM »
Each day feeling better, it is amazing how kids see same and feel without getting any input from me. D said, why we speak about her at all because I do not see or feel difference in home when she were here and now. :) That is exactly what I saw. And she did not mention that is even better because there is no anymore depressed unhappy person, means no bad energy, all of us have now much better place to live and atmosphere in house dramatically changed. Dynamics between us changed, son does not spend so much time on computer, obviously he avoiding to be in living room to escape from bad energy.
I have fears that my children are even more badly affected than I thought... :( But I am here for them and we all together suppose to do whatever it takes to make some damage control. W contact them both by internet, there is no any kind questions like how are you ? How do you feel ? No questions how I am at all. I do not exist. She try to communicate like nothing happens and it is shallow and she try to be even funny. Go figure ? I believe she is afraid to ask proper questions because of fear how they would react in case that she is at least a little bit aware whet she done. Or she is so deep in fog that she does not feel anything and have no empathy and compassion.
So she did not contact me at all neither I contact her. She haven't any comment, like or post on FB (her lala world  and what is not on FB does not exists in reality )which she do daily regularly, like she done before. That means she is turned inward, which could be good thing.

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2017, 02:48:49 AM »
You know Albatross, this may have just been a good thing for everyone.

Living with a depressed person is depressing and obviously you were all feeling it.  Like you said, bad energy.

It may also be the best thing for your W.  She can now have all the space she needs to maybe start putting herself together again.  Hopefully.

Well, I'm just glad to hear you and the kids are doing well.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #56 on: September 05, 2017, 03:29:41 AM »
Exactly what Thunder said. Its a relief really even though its hard...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #57 on: September 06, 2017, 11:19:32 AM »
Thank You Thunder, Whyus on your input.

Apparently contact with kids wife just wanna to get numbers of their bank accounts, just that. That last day when we talk she said that she change her mind, she previously wants to send on my account alimony money, but she mumble something which I did not understand well that she change her mind and will send it directly to kids. Like I am bad guy who hurt her feelings in those two conversations. Go figure. What is new she will skip one month payment because of 20 days gap between receiving paycheck between old and new company. How convenient from mlcer, she just state self to kids, no explanation, no I am sorry but I cannot pay it, nothing, just cold statement.

Also I did not wrote our last conversation, I ask her do you have any idea how I felt last whole month after you announce your leaving ? She stare at me ambushed by question, she does not know what she suppose to say. She have no empathy no compassion at all with extreme projections, so she thinks that I am the same, so what a big deal, like she said that she wants all of this sort it out on civilized way. Then I go forward,  I felt horrible, living on edge and so on how I felt. She said what I suppose to do ? I said, like keep quiet until point to leave or just go. She said that she has to work. I said that in her position will go and does not matter of consequences because I would know how would be for spouse and kids. She mumble something that house is also her house (so she have right to be here until leaving) :D Then I ask her, you running from home last 6 years as much as you could and then you spending 2 weeks here instead going in fathers place ? Why ? She said that she wanna to be with kids, holly crap !? (You want to be with kids and you leaving them because of own selfish reasons ?!)

What I forget to write is that wife send mail box key but she keep key from house ?! That is something very interesting, I have key of mail box and she deliberately sending that key to obviously remind me that she did not return house key. There is no way that she forget sending house key because they were together. So, that could be seen like she hold that key as some kind of symbol of string connected with home. Other could be hat she want to have opportunity to come here when nobody is in house and take her remaining stuff ? That is option which I could not want to believe but from mlcer always is all possible. For me changing a lock is 5 minutes time to do. Does anyone have even a clue what that key thing suppose to mean ?

I am solid cook and I like to cook, but struggling for ideas what to cook ? Female LBS friends feel free to help me with good recipes, links, ideas for emergency easy fast recipes and suggestions how to better organize like having weekly menu and buying groceries for week and all of those smart tips. You are more then welcome and I will appreciate it. :D
« Last Edit: September 06, 2017, 11:24:25 AM by Albatross »

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #58 on: September 06, 2017, 12:39:14 PM »
Hugs, Albatross. I'm so sorry it's hit this point with her. You are SO schooled in MLC at this point. It's not about assuming the worst, but it tends to be best to take the most pragmatic approach to their actions. The key? Assume she wants access to come in whenever she wants. Take steps to protect what needs protected (important paperwork she could take, valuables, etc.). If she doesn't do it, great. But err on the side of caution.

Involve the kids in the shopping trips, and you will build new happy family rituals as you find the new normal together. :) I would recommend reading up on crockpot or slowcooker cooking. You can have really hearty one-pot meals with simple recipes that cook themselves with little effort. I've found some of my favorite recipes on Pinterest or allrecipes.com.

You already know she is not capable of empathy or logic at this point. You've been BD'ed again with this, so it's normal that it's going to take time for it not to be so raw. But aim to self-focus as much as possible. You will be fine, no matter what.

"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Absolutely Fabulous

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #59 on: September 06, 2017, 02:33:53 PM »
Wow! And here I thought that I was the only one with an EX playing games with things that rightfully belong to me. The XH won't send me the title to the car. He was supposed to send it back in July. This was stated in the divorce decree. Instead I got a court summons to lower child support that he hasn't been paying me in full since the divorce. That and the pension he was not fully paying until I got that straight. He now owes me over $13,000 in arrears. You've been at this longer than I have, but we seem to have been married to the same type of delusional person. Gotta love script.
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Offline Superman

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #60 on: September 06, 2017, 08:23:07 PM »
Albatross-- here is a view on the key thing....She is keeping the key for a couple of reasons:
              1- She keeps the house key so in her head she legally has a hold of the asset of the house. (its her half too!)
              2- She has the key so she can come and go as she pleases--they have no boundaries
              3- She has the key as you suggest so she can come get her stuff when ever she wants.

The day my w left is the day I told her to leave her keys here as she was choosing to leave and it was no longer her home. It is the kids and my home.

There needs to be a boundary on this in. my opinion. For you, the kids, her, and the courts.

"Their unpredictability makes them become predictable" 


Offline Silver

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #61 on: September 07, 2017, 01:58:51 AM »
Albatross, you have really been trough a lot, great to hear how well things are going between you and kids anyway, they sure need you.

Also I did not wrote our last conversation, I ask her do you have any idea how I felt last whole month after you announce your leaving ? She stare at me ambushed by question, she does not know what she suppose to say. She have no empathy no compassion at all with extreme projections, so she thinks that I am the same, so what a big deal, like she said that she wants all of this sort it out on civilized way.

Reminds me of my W's question as she was deep in fog last spring, talked about how she feels she needs to 'tear everything down in her life and walk over anyone who stands in the way'.. I asked her does she think about anyone else atm but herself (that was before I learned what NOT to say as LBS) - she looked me with shark eyes and hollow, sardonic smile on her face and asked 'who else should I think?'
Well how about our 2 small kids or her husband I thought in my head...

About the key thing, could it be just MLC logic = no logic?


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #62 on: September 07, 2017, 02:13:32 PM »
Thank you all on your comments they are all valuable to me. House is mine, my parents bought it for me before we married, so there is no problems with it. I can easily change lock, but wont. I tell her when she leaves that she can take whatever she wants from house. She never been materialistic neither I am. I tell her, you can take car if you want. So, I believe she would not come in house when we aren't at home, she never been rude to barging in to someone unannounced. Basically I believe why she send key of mailbox to show me that she did not return key if I forget about it. So, she really do not need that key, I believe that holding key somehow is for her symbolic meaning not complete breaking connection with home and family. Anyway she would not take anything because that means literally taking away thing from own children.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #63 on: September 08, 2017, 02:48:55 AM »
Quote
Anyway she would not take anything because that means literally taking away thing from own children.



Sorry for the laughing GIF but... seriously?  Mid-Lifers are the second most self-entitled group of people on the planet after 2-year-old toddlers.... They want what they want and don't really care about who else might be affected ....

If your Mid-Lifer doesn't take things or at least come in when you are not there, you are one of the lucky ones...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #64 on: September 08, 2017, 03:19:57 AM »
Quote
Anyway she would not take anything because that means literally taking away thing from own children.



Sorry for the laughing GIF but... seriously?  Mid-Lifers are the second most self-entitled group of people on the planet after 2-year-old toddlers.... They want what they want and don't really care about who else might be affected ....

If your Mid-Lifer doesn't take things or at least come in when you are not there, you are one of the lucky ones...

I can understand you because majority people here has bad experience with spouses about material possessions. As I wrote my W never care about material possessions neither I. She desperately wants to feel loved and love and she is obsessed with that during her crisis. Also could be that she do not deserve it from her point of view, that is her FFO, not worth to be loved because she do not deserve that neither deserve to have things, money. But obviously first issue is huge. And I was obviously good family provider.   

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #65 on: September 08, 2017, 06:42:39 AM »
You bring up a VERY interesting point....

My Mid-Lifer was painstakingly exact about splitting things 50/50 (except the kids - there I had to haul out the 2x4) to the point of splitting sets of towels  :o ::)  As in One yellow one for me, one yellow one for you, one blue one for me, one blue one for you... It was just silly....

She gave me a spare key to her flat so if she does something stupid, and her neighbor downstairs isn't there, there is a spare key somewhere.. and in case S forgets his key, I have one... I did NOT give her a key to my flat for about 6 months... My neighbor has one but in the end, I did the same thing.... and really for teh same reason. My neighbors both work and if they are not there and I can't get a hold of their daughter, then I am stuffed if I manage to close the door with my keys inside...

I suppose it IS a measure of trust... and with material things, I don't feel that she is untrustworthy... As she is VERY materialistic and what I have no are NOT things she would want... they are my style so ..
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #66 on: September 11, 2017, 11:34:11 AM »
So W send message to D and invite her and her brother on Sunday lunch. Wowza ! She inviting them after week after she left ?! So, I smell desperate guilt and also very bad decision which she made. D made decision that she will go. W do not contact S ?! So, she use D as courier ? S does want to go. So, D return that to W. W then contact S trough FB. Apparently she most likely feel fear of reaction in case she calling. S ignoring her message, wont read it. I have talk with both of them and said what I will do in case that she is my mother, I would not go and say to her that I am angry what I believe will be. Anyway I said that is just me, but both of you are adults and that is your mother and do what you think is best not for me, not for her but best what is for you. And also I mention that I would like that bot of them go.
D said that she were angry first week after she announce leaving, but now she said that she is indifferent. So, she said I am taking high ground and showing to her that I am adult. With son I have talk and saying to him that ignoring problem would not make problem to gone, so truth liberates. So he state to me own truth. He saying that he haven't any connection, relationship with mother for years and he simply does not want to go there because all of that is awkward and he do not want to be there and pretend that all is just normal. Then W call him he did not answer. After a while she call him again so they spoke. He asked him why he wont come ? He said that he I have many reasons for it. She ask him is he angry ? He said no. Basically she try to talk with him and he just answer on questions and closing conversation. So she said is that mean that he never will come there ? He said no. And  she said you don't want talking anymore. And that was it. Later she send him message "Change your mind. :)" He did not answer.
I see just guilt and that lunch was just try to lowering guilt and fear that she will lost children. Own selfish needs not genuine invitation.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Mind blowing !
« Reply #67 on: September 12, 2017, 05:21:30 AM »
So, D come back at home. W made two absolutely the best loved meals which D adore and cake. Means W have to cook very hard whole Saturday ! That is how her FOO express love with things and doing favors only. D said that she ask how is atmosphere at home ? D answer that nothing changed. Means you want to go, then go. They talk about shallow things like usual. I have impression ofc that W feel immense guilt and also fear that she will lost children and spouse as I said to her. What is absolutely mind blowing from my opinion is that my FIL did not ask how  is your father after I knowing that man for 30 years and never has any fight with him. My name was not mentioned at all like I never exists. Even his neighbor did not ask anything about me, and I know her also for 30 years. Pretty known for narcissistic family, if you ignore problem then problem do not exists. That was very painful information for me. In other hand, I love truth, like Jesus said, truth liberates. So, I now know the truth how W dysfunctional family of origin was and is.
When my MIL dies at end of 2013. I was worry how my FIL will take it, because majority of older spouses going in deep depression after they losing significant other. He survive with no problems and I was happy because of him. But same pathology was, they simply ignoring, dining fact that she past away and on that way deluding self. If problem do not exists, means if you pretend that she never exists then there is no problem. WOWZA ! Pretty much all problems in that family was "solved" on that way. No expressing emotions, no problems, nothing at all.
W give gasoline money to D and she said the same as FIL that she say halo to them. Means us, my self and I.
Holly Marry mother of God !
Apparently W will still pay alimony for children to me for last month, and all future payments she will pay to kids. Why is that ? LOL She yesterday ask D my account number, I said to D, why she did not ask me trough FB instead her and that I would not give to D  my account number and ask D why you allow her to control you and doing control in house over you ? She said, I do not mind. So, I send to W my account number and ask  her why do you ask that number over D instead ask me ? I do not bite and put smiley. Then making excuse coming, she said that she anyway has chit chat with D, so she ask her. And then she coming with control like SIL have good friend dentist and D have to go to orthodontist and fix something. My hometown is 5 times bigger and from obvious reasons you have a lot of those services which are better. Seems to me as controlling D to go there on regular bases and putting seeds in my brain, because she, D and I have to pay for orthodontist. And W saying that she will pay alimony but it was extreme rain fall so she will tomorrow. That sounds as trying to communicate. I did not answer anything on that.

She do not giving me peace even she is not here anymore ! I was looking forward that I will have peace at least for month ! So, now I am angry, very angry. I do not know, I could forgive adultery and all of that $h!te in last 5 years, but for me family is sacred and abandoning family and what kind of mother abandoning own children ? So, maybe I would never be able forgive her what she did ! Like last nail in coffin of our marriage...
« Last Edit: September 12, 2017, 05:26:10 AM by Albatross »

Offline Silver

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #68 on: September 13, 2017, 01:20:04 AM »
Hi Albatross,
Your anger is so perceivable and real. I'm thinking the same way, family is a foundation in our lives (or SHOULD BE) and as we once decided to start one, we should be committed to it all the way. Leaving outside of that of course if there are REAL reasons to split up like violence, abuse or something like that. But just starting to 'find ourselves' or whatever the MLCer takes as a reason to do everything they do, is just crap imo.
Not judging 'finding yourself' but to do it by abandoning everything YOU WANTED in your life, including small innocent children... Just so wrong.
Try to keep strong mate though probably hardest times in your life so far.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #69 on: September 14, 2017, 01:27:08 AM »
Yeah Silver, I agree with you.

W comment on FB article about empathy, what empathy is for her read (MLCr):

"That feeling when you think that nobody is with you, and next day someone saying to you that you was not there for him. Well, I do not know what is empathy. Obviously I have different view about problems than majority. What is for me a problem is not for others and vice verse."


First sentence saying that she is self-absorbed, narcissistic, she feels alone, abandoned. So, others saying her that she is not being for them. So she conclude wrong, she have empathy but she have no time to see anyone else except self. She have different view about problems than majority, of course she does, she is possessed by own shadow, so she is 180 degree different than majority. And last sentence proving that. She just can't empathize with anyone because she haven't time for that because of being swallowed by own shadow and she is totally self absorbed.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #70 on: September 18, 2017, 01:42:18 AM »
Basically I am going trough 5 stages of grief. Denial is not a option and bargain as well because I have nobody with whom I can do that. So I am in anger, depression. Each day I feel different, one day was being angry, next day very angry and then empty, then I felt meh. So, I am fluctuating trough anger and depression. Finally I realize that I am projecting my misery and personal crap in her. Means how to cope being alone in mid age with 2 kids and being for them both parents and doing the most work at home. That projection is from subconsciousness and hard to find. Eventually that emerge from my shadow. So, I am now aligned by all levels of my self that I have to regain my own power and take responsibility for my personal crap and my happiness or wallow between anger and depression projecting my power on her in loop. So, acceptance it is ! Now i am ready for real work on my self.

In other hand as I was predict W call kids last weekend only 7 days after leaving to be attended on lunch there just because of own vanity and fear. Later there is no so much communication from her to them. She yesterday post on her FB photos her and 3 GF hiking on hill above her hometown. Sure there is her toxic GF and two more depressed GF all of them being in same  class from elementary school time. :) do I see group regression ? :) What a wonderful achievement for all of them ! Hiking with GF's instead being with own family on weekends. seems like W seeks for supporters for own misery. She is known as organizer other people life, manipulating them for own personal needs. But if that make her happy, who am I to judge her ! :D
« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 02:45:13 AM by Albatross »

Offline Silver

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #71 on: September 18, 2017, 05:24:31 AM »
Hi Albatross,
What you're saying sounds very important as if we don't take responsibility of our own emotions and happiness, no one will. Yet I see acceptance possible only if we get trough those stages, meaning really go trough them yet again not meaning letting ourselves to get stuck in them.
I'm not saying I would have reached acceptance in a way it can be reached at the end, but some level of it anyway as I'm not thinking myself anymore trough my marriage as much as some times ago. Still there comes bad days, bursts of anger and some kind of depression too yet it shows more like powerlessness in my case than feeling empty. Acceptance.. How would you define it? For me it is I think something like letting go feeling I could control what I really can't and not letting potential D to be the end of my world in my head AND still not denying that it is very painful thinking I would divorce 2nd time in my life and having to let my W go.

In your case, you being practically the only parent for your kids now, must be so hard in addition all the pain. I hope you have a strength to remember and tell to yourself how incredibly important role it is and that would empower you a bit.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #72 on: September 18, 2017, 08:32:59 AM »
What I found for myself Albatross, in hindsight, was that denial and bargaining happened during my early standing. "If he would come back, I would..." or "We can get through anything and I know he will be different and come out of this..." were two versions of it I based action on, like not divorcing to protect myself financially. That was both a form of bargaining (I would change my behavior if only I got what I wanted, which was his return) and denial (that he was somehow special and it was assured he would not do what all the rest of them have done).

So for years you have observed your wife in limbo and thought she would not be the one to leave. You tried to reason with her and let her know you understood what she was going through. But she is still acting like just another predictable MLCer. Depression and anger? Yep, you've earned the right! All of those phases of grief come for us, we can't choose to avoid any of them, but you've already been through your fair share. Focus on your healing and getting to acceptance, and indeed, you will be just fine no matter what.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #73 on: December 26, 2017, 12:53:18 PM »
November 2. I am on my way home and W ring me, I could not believe that she calling. And how I was in store to buy something did not get time to answer and she hang up. So, when I go out I made recall. She saying that she is in town and if I have no problems with that she would like to come to visit us. I said, why I should have something against it, you are welcome in your home always. She feels as a bug, not that I take superior position and that she feels like that because of me, it was her attitude about self. She do not talk about self like before. She was quiet and basically I have to spoke to keep atmosphere in not awkward place. We were alone and waiting for kids to come. When she enters we have handshake and kiss in both chicks I did it spontaneously and she not oppose to it. D come home and I leave to them to communicate. S was on college. So, I send him a message. He reply that he would be out :D I said to him that would be nice to come home and see own mother. D make fun and jokes with mother, later I am told that she do it jut to break awkward atmosphere which would be otherwise... S come and she act like interrogate him, he basically answer on her questions. He take stand in kitchen to make distance from her. He seems in defense posture. She then left and I thank her for visit us and that she is always welcome to come in own home. She in return invite us to come and visit her.

I has impression that she feel very bad and guilty about self and that she made bad decision. So, I try to reassure her and wrote her in FB message:
"I miss you, and yes, I still love you".
She reply:
"I am sorry because of that, but it is like it is."

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #74 on: December 26, 2017, 01:32:44 PM »
Albatross,

I think it's ok to tell her she is welcome but telling her you miss and love her is only putting pressure on her.
She obviously didn't want to hear it by her answer.  I'm sorry.

Remember the 180's. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #75 on: December 26, 2017, 01:57:45 PM »
Interesting, Albatross.

The problem is, we never know what they want to hear. I agree that telling her you love and miss her may be pressure. But, we aren't mind readers.

Well, now she knows. She will reach out again in time.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #76 on: December 27, 2017, 02:26:55 AM »
Albatross,

I think it's ok to tell her she is welcome but telling her you miss and love her is only putting pressure on her.
She obviously didn't want to hear it by her answer.  I'm sorry.

Remember the 180's.

My life motto is "Truth liberate". I just state my truth, I live my whole life being honest to self and others. So, I was jut being me. Is that pressure on her ? I do not know, anyway it is her thing how to deal with it.

Interesting, Albatross.

The problem is, we never know what they want to hear. I agree that telling her you love and miss her may be pressure. But, we aren't mind readers.

Well, now she knows. She will reach out again in time.

I believe that they are split and have split feelings about everything. So, most likely prisoner like to hear it, ego too and monster does not like it. basically whatever you do or not do they will be partly offended.

I forget to mention that she spot dust on furniture and take opportunity to express it. Yea, eternal perfectionist, programmed by her mother. And yeah she become own mother who she suppress in shadow and now she is her and act as her and she hate it her mother biting before her crisis. Best part she is not aware of it.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 02:31:14 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #77 on: December 29, 2017, 01:54:00 AM »
I forget to mention how she complain about own father :) Of course she would negotiate with him, she will put record in her bad book instead. For example she said that she watch some episode and then her father switch the channel on football game which start in exact time without ask her. She need 5 minutes to finish episode. And of course she did not say anything. I know that she think that she is some guest there obviously so she act accordingly. But she is not guest in reality, she live there. Tensions will be imminent on that way. Her father could do that just because he is narcissist and his family is teach to enable his behavior. Or he simply thinks that she watch it just because have nothing else to do, like watching anything what is on TV but not on purpose. Anyway would be normal to ask could I switch on sports which I am waiting for. And then she will feel appreciated and then she could say, no problems or could you please wait just 5 minutes to finish. Is not big deal skip 5 minutes because of own daughter.

Also she complain to me that she does not have internet and actually using wireless of neighbors. And she miss our technology, IP TV and very fast internet. But her father do not need internet and just watch digital terrestrial programs, 10 of them :D So, she is bored. Instead talking to him, I will pay for it she just accept his statement, I do not need that.

He have car and he use it very rarely. So W going to the work waling does not matter what kind of weather it is. Instead talking to father about it and find solution. So she is extremely modest and accommodate to extreme and expect that someone else read her mind and give her what she wants ? And then she feels unloved because in case that people love her they will know her needs, wishes... so she is trained to be accommodater and she is trained that she do not deserve, and she is trained to not be loved... and of course result is MLC.

According to her she stating self as a selfish and she spend most of life living not quality life because obviously she live life how people around her live own life. So she wont anymore to negotiate or compromise anything and will live exactly how she want. Means she cannot be with anyone in relationship including children, my self, some other guy as potential partner. Means being pure narcissist as result of living whole life as extreme accomodater. Also she obviously projecting own misery in the world. It is back and white thinking, world and people have to be as I want and I will be happy then. How is not I am victim, miserable and i want to be totally alone and unloved living as a hermit. She still fantasize about having cottage without water and electricity :D

So what happens is that she coming from one extreme to another extreme. And if there luck she will oscillate as pendulum and eventually settle in the middle. Obviously she is very rigid, ignorant, stubborn. As we all know people change self because of pain or (and) being more knowledgeable. How she is programmed to live in FOG since childhood, living in pain and being victim is her natural habitum. In same time ignorance is obstacle for changing, she mimicking own parents who obviously being hedonists, ignorant with a lot narcissism.

Unfortunately I cannot see something which will push her to change self. She is resistant on pain and being victim and unloved in another hand she do not learn just playing life as a ignorant child. Instead she have very similar friends which "understand each other" so they rather chose to be "special" and world is crap and they they feel as "sane minority" all others are idiots, conformists and yadda, yadda, yadda...
« Last Edit: December 29, 2017, 02:05:45 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #78 on: May 12, 2018, 01:40:48 PM »
Hi there my fellow LBS's ! Just to say, I am alive and kicking. Soon I will write something what is with me.
HOWG ;)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #79 on: October 22, 2018, 03:47:10 PM »
Hi Albatross!

Hope all is going forward with you!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #80 on: October 22, 2018, 05:45:22 PM »
Hello my friend. It's been awhile.
Look forward to hearing more from you.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #81 on: August 20, 2019, 06:44:43 AM »
Holy crap more than year I did not post anything ! How time pass fast. My fellow LBS's life will pass and we will even not notice it. My intuition never be trail me, and neither now. I felt that something will change significantly in this year and it is. She is awakening ! She change again job. She state self that point of life is to enjoy life fully, hedonistic view of life which in long term of course  will not work. And that happening after that period. She is sad because she cannot love. I told you that they cannot love. You cannot love when you are in low vibration of soul energy. This year were a lot contacts which are touch and go, but more frequent as she coming out of tunnel. I can sense that she desperately trying to reconnect with children. I am still in touch and go domain. I can sense that she start to vibrate on higher frequencies and gaining more clarity every time when I am seeing her.

More details in further posts about me, kids, her. I learn so much in last 2 years. I am going to share with you what I learn. I hope you guys doing well and walking own hero path resiliently.
To all of you I am sending my love ! Keep moving !

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #82 on: August 20, 2019, 06:46:47 AM »
Good to hear from you Albatross  :)
When was BD?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #83 on: August 20, 2019, 06:47:51 AM »
Good to hear from you Albatross  :)
When was BD?

February 2013 !  :o

Offline Thunder

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #84 on: August 20, 2019, 06:54:44 AM »
Well Albatross, you'll have to fill us in when you get time.
Always interesting when one of them start coming out of their tunnel.  :)

Wow, 7 years.  Sure takes them a LONG time.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #85 on: August 20, 2019, 07:07:58 AM »
Well Albatross, you'll have to fill us in when you get time.
Always interesting when one of them start coming out of their tunnel.  :)

Wow, 7 years.  Sure takes them a LONG time.   ::)

She is most slower MLCer ever ! :D She start with separation phase in 2007 ! BD 2013.

Offline Silver

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #86 on: August 21, 2019, 03:48:26 AM »
Albatross, good to hear from you! Please do share, not too much out of tunnel stories around  ::)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: #4 - Lord, give me patience, but please hurry !
« Reply #87 on: September 12, 2019, 11:53:03 AM »
I just read all your threads Alb,


Wow, what a journey. So you think she's coming out of it now? What will you do?
Re connection stories are so rare... it like someone gets to the end and then *POOF*..... no more info.

I really hope the best happens... you've been thru so much.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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