[Butterfly]

I think if we thought that our H's would always be this way, we wouldn't want to stand. But it's different if you see it as a mental/ physical disorder that clouds their thinking, then his advice doesn't apply. He asked the MLC guy if he was going to change his mind about divorce.
He said no. That told me that Dr. Phil has zero knowledge of MLC.
Of course he doesn't think he will change his mind.  And he won't for now. But anyone could recognize that in a normal breakup you don't continue a sexual relationship with your wife.
You break up and move on. So the fact the Dr Phil would have a show about MLC and be so ill informed is disappointing. I see no evidence that he even googled MLC for dummies. He was treating it like a normal breakup, not a midlife depression with distinctive characteristics.

Butterfly

[rememberer]

I too was very disappointed with the show and the way Dr. Phil handled it. There are often times when I question MLC or whether it is just 'growing apart' or many of the other excuses/rationalizations we've all heard about.

The fact is I've seen it several times with friends, as well as experienced it myself and read all about your situations here on this forum that I've really come to believe it is something a lot of men go through at midlife and it's definitely NOT the same as a regular breakup or divorce.

None of those aspects were addressed at all. Of course we wouldn't want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be married or be with us, but we've all seen the total change in character with our spouses, the confusion, the resorting to youngish behaviour and the lies, deceit and total opposite of the spouse we've loved and grown up with all these years.

In my opinion, he ignored all this and totally dealt with just the symptoms and didn't see the whole picture.

Very disappointing. Yes, I agree that perhaps Oprah would have done a better job!

[LoveMeMyself]

I didn't watch it but I did google and read the information provided and also watched the short video snip-its.  I got the impression that Dr. Phil either doesn't believe in MLC or perhaps he had not researched it very thoroughly.  There is just so much more to this issue and it doesn't seem like the professional/medical field cares enough or has tried hard enough to learn more about it.  Too many people view this as a "joke"...........so disappointing that more people are not interested or aware of this.  So sad how it rips and tears families apart.  I had a very good conversation with my boss today and I think he understands it without actually admitting it or saying he believes in it.  He had such good "insight" regarding my particular situation and he made me feel so much better regarding my "Stand" (he doesn't know this).  He made me feel really good about myself and told me that one day........ever how long it takes.............my husband will realize that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.......or ever will happen to him.  That was a major confidence booster for me. 

[Tsunami]

What really resonated with me was Dr. Phil saying "Why would you want to be married to someone who clearly doesn't want to be married to you?"

I agree Girl Scout!  LOL  That hit me hard too, especially the look on Dr. Phil's face.

Maybe we all should write the show to help them realize that didn't discuss the subject or symptoms of MLC in enough detail.

[Butterfly]

LMM

Someone said the same thing to me today. She hoped that when my h woke up to his mistake, it would not be too late. Interesting comment as she only knows we're divorced. Nothing more.
She said the grass looks greener because it's growing in manure. Lol

Butterfly

[LoveMeMyself]

Butterfly,

   You got a good ole hardy chuckle out of me with that one.  My boss does know everything but it felt good to have him validate my feelings and thoughts.  He knows I still love my exH very much.  He told me the best thing for me to do is to keep pulling away from him and living my life.  I told him I was in a much better place all the way around right now.  It does just feel nice to have something positive said and not all the negative stuff most people say.  We are growing stronger with each and every day..............leaving them in the "manure".  ha, ha.

[LettingGo]

Sorry to say "I told you so..." but I knew this would be a big ZERO as far as substance and understanding go.... and just what did the couples get out of it, except to air their dirty laundry and get judged by America who has NO understanding of mental illness in any form...

If we're going to judge someone, let's judge people like Leann Rhimes and Eddie Cibrian who are the "happy couples" after PUBLICLY breaking up their respective marriages to be with one another... and let's don't forget Alicia Keys who PUBLICLY got pregnant with her married boyfriend at the same time as his OTHER girlfriend, but I guess she won the cheating Bas**** cuz they got married in a big ole People Magazine wedding this year.... after he divorced his wife and mother of his legitimate children....

I try not to be judgemental, but if you want to GO there, let's GO there... Dr. Phil is a lightweight.

[GottaBeMe]

LettingGo, you are so funny....and so right!

I agree with all that was said so far, I was also disappointed in the show, but not surprised.  All too often mainstream media is one dimensional, and they don't seem to do much research at all. 

There are way too many similarities in reading all these stories on here, and in reading all the articles to be just coincidence, or reading something into it that isn't there.  It's there all right, we all have lived it.  I have the benefit (if you can call it that) of having seen ALL the cycles. I had no idea what I was dealing with for most of the time (11 years?) but once I started reading about MLC, all the pieces fit.  I have no doubt in my mind that MLC is what happened to my husband, and I am not easily convinced of things! This is why this site is so special, and important.

I was thinking the exact same thing as Butterfly when Dr. Phil asked Tony if he was sure that he wanted a divorce and won't change his mind.  Perhaps they should check back with him in about 5 or 6 years and see what he has to say? 

[BraveNewWorld]

I didn't see the show - but my own therapist consistently used that line with me: 'why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't love you, or who treats you like that?'

It was impossible to communicate to him how quickly my wife had changed, how out of character it was for her. How surreal the whole situation was to me. What my family meant to me - what marriage meant to me! Even when he accepted some of that he would say that was then, this is now. What matters is what you do now. I felt that it was all very formulaic for him.

Have you seen the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'? I love that movie. I used to like it for some of the themes in there - I think it has to do with a path to acceptance of loss - it has patches of what it feels like ( at least for me ) to be a LBS. In the movie there is a machine that can erase your memory of a relationship. The guy's girlfriend has the procedure unbeknown to the guy. She totally changes, and doesn't even know who he is. He is a wreck. Then he finds out about the procedure and has it himself. So they both lose their history, and each other ... and the movie watches what happens ...

I think I'm going through the toughest part of this crisis so far for me - really accepting the loss. RcR talks of giving in, but not giving up. I think that's an amazing concept and in someways at the core of it all.

I'm off on all kinds of tangents here - especially for not having seen the show. It just sounds like my own counselling. We didn't have one second of couples counselling. My wife only progressively became more nasty and less communicative as time went on, until now ... at points it feels evil - and I don't use that word lightly.

Right now ... where I am in this process, is on the thin line between giving in and giving up on this. I'm not sure how a psychologist should advise us ... mine used to say to me ... what do you want to hear me say to you? He spoke very little about my wife - he just really wanted to get me healing.

I'd likely pay handsomely for a spotless mind machine some days.

BNW

[Rebel Yell]

I watched the show and I felt for the couples.
Did anyone notice that Tony was also rewriting his history?
The tough part for me in the first relationship was that they had only been married a fairly short
time and didn't have a long history together like most of us do. That may not mean anything except
it gives credence to the sudden, out of character changes in the MLCer based on history.
The second couple, I don't think the wife has a clue. The man was so hurt and she was so self centered
that she couldn't see it. Not convinced it was MLC though IMHO.