Author Topic: MLC Monster LBS Stages 4  (Read 11824 times)

Offline OldPilotTopic starter

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MLC Monster LBS Stages 4
« on: August 01, 2016, 08:43:18 AM »
New thread

Previous threads

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2625.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5734.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5789.0

From Stayed
I thought I would add the stages of grief that we all go through with a relationship breakup.

1. Shock: "What the hell just happened?"

2. Denial: "This is so not happening."

3. Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."

4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"

5. Bargaining: "What will it take to get him/her back?"

6. Depression: "I will never get over him/her."

7. Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him/her, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."

Some keep it a bit simpler:

1.  Denial

2.  Anger

3.  Bargaining

4.  Depression

5.  Acceptance

Several versions actually... but we all definitely go through them.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2016, 09:01:56 AM »
attaching!
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Seeing The Light

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2016, 11:18:01 AM »
Attaching
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2016, 12:19:19 PM »
Attaching
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline UnconditionalLove

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2016, 02:15:30 PM »
attaching!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline HopeFaithLove

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2016, 06:30:21 PM »
Hi
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Offline toomanytearss

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2016, 12:40:43 PM »
Attaching. 

I've been through them all.  Acceptance was a bitter pill to swallow and I still struggle with it sometimes.  But I feel my best emotionally when I can just accept and remember what will be will be.  To accept you can't expect.  It's my mantra. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2016, 05:40:22 PM »
Well if I really think about it now....I think I cycle between denial, anger, bargaining AND depression. Hmmmmmm does that make me the Rhode's scholar of LBS? LOL.

Toomany--I like your mantra. I may have to try that!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Seeing The Light

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2016, 07:44:36 PM »
I seem to be cycling through bargining and depression and maybe a little acceptance. I'm a little concerned that anger hasn't popped into the cycle yet, especially with an EA going on.  I'm afraid I'll turn into Carrie when it finally decides to surface, lol.  :o
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline Mermaid

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2016, 12:47:56 AM »
I seem to be cycling through bargining and depression and maybe a little acceptance. I'm a little concerned that anger hasn't popped into the cycle yet, especially with an EA going on.  I'm afraid I'll turn into Carrie when it finally decides to surface, lol.  :o

I hate to be the heretic again... But psychological stages are approximations, and not cast in stone. They're helpful in knowing what to expect and to accept them as normal, but it's not inevitable to go through them all. So if you don't get angry, don't worry, it doesn't mean that there's anything missing from your process. If you do get angry, don't worry. Many people do.

There's an article somewhere on resources which talks about this, and many examples in psychology which now demonstrate that stages are typical but not inevitable patterns.
Forgiveness: To give up resentment against; stop being angry with; pardon; give up all claim to punish; overlook; cancel a debt.

Offline Seeing The Light

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2016, 09:24:44 AM »
I seem to be cycling through bargining and depression and maybe a little acceptance. I'm a little concerned that anger hasn't popped into the cycle yet, especially with an EA going on.  I'm afraid I'll turn into Carrie when it finally decides to surface, lol.  :o

I hate to be the heretic again... But psychological stages are approximations, and not cast in stone. They're helpful in knowing what to expect and to accept them as normal, but it's not inevitable to go through them all. So if you don't get angry, don't worry, it doesn't mean that there's anything missing from your process. If you do get angry, don't worry. Many people do.

There's an article somewhere on resources which talks about this, and many examples in psychology which now demonstrate that stages are typical but not inevitable patterns.

Thanks Mermaid!  I don't think you are a heretic, just sharing another perspective.  And you are right, there is some discussion in the resources about the steps not always happening. 

That reminder helps... I do get snippy annoyed from time to time but not full blown anger and I just wanted to make sure that something wasn't wrong.  It may be also that I'm focusing on addressing my own issues right now that created my anger in my R that it's just going away.  Dunno.  All I can control is me and myself... and being reactive to things is not the place I want to be anymore, and that's where I saw a LOT of my anger in the past. 
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline Mara

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2017, 09:09:30 AM »
I think I m slowly entering the acceptance stage.
There have been months of shock and depressive feelings, where I thought I will never be at least ok again.
But I am Ok.

don t I wish things would be different: Yes I do. If I had to choose, I would choose this all never would have happened.

But this 26 months did give me not only hurt and depression, it gave me some gifts. I did find me. The me I was meant to be. I also find my place in life/in the world in the job, I should have chosen 20 years ago, if h did not hold me to do that (because he was concerned about me....). Me and my children are under one roof and living intensely and free together, not walking on eggshells as we did for years. My kids growing up in a healthy environment. Yes missing their father, but not living in a system were we constantly had to watch our steps because of an instable father.

But I am still standing. I pray for my husband daily to find his way back to where he belongs. Because he s not doing well at all. Being in massive depressions all the time, trying to commit suicide, having debts, being unemployed, not seeing the kids on regular bases, although nothing from my side is stopping that.
Sometimes doubting my stand, sometimes having this mood of 'I want to cry" (then I pull back and do my crying).
And then being sure again I continue to stand. The man I married is still the man I love.

I am been in stages of denial, of anger, of crying, of not daring to live. all to get to the stage of living my life, taking my responsabilities (working two jobs), having fun, being OK and more than OK.

Wanted to share and hope I can encourage lot of you with it.

Mara x
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline Kat0465

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2017, 06:50:18 PM »
That was a beatiful post Mara! Thanks for sharing

Offline Beacon Of Hope

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2017, 09:44:38 AM »
Great Post Mara,

I believe we are on the same timeline and I very much agree that even though we wish this all never happened we find out that we are OK. Taking the time to find our true selves and get ourselves back on track is very healthy. I'm glad you have reached this point and hope that one day the newbies will also reach this point.


Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2017, 08:52:43 AM »
Its been 3 yrs since BD Im moving into acceptance but still cycle back to anger.  I'll get there eventually.

Offline Shocked

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #15 on: June 28, 2017, 03:17:51 PM »
Mara that was a great post. I am 70% in the acceptance stage and 25% in the depressions stage. I guess that's good progress. The remaining 5% will always be in the Shocked stage!!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2017, 10:56:18 PM »
Shocked, Im about the same as U! slowly getting there. :-)))

Offline BStrong

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #17 on: July 19, 2017, 06:51:45 AM »
It helps to read that most of you cycle through those stages. I am past denial, a little depressed, more angry and getting to acceptance. I cant put a number on any though except there is no denial anymore - of course there are thoughts I wish it never happened but it did!

Each day when I wake up the first thought I have is "What really happened to my life, our lives?". Each day the thought lingers for lesser and lesser time. It doesn't bring me down for the rest of the day as it used to. I do sleep better. I even laugh and have a good time with kids and sometimes friends. Its just when sometimes I see him (kids pick up or such) the anger comes rushing back up even though I don't talk to him.

I seem to have accepted that he left. But how do you accept the OW....
Me: 42
MLC: 44
Kids: S15, S9
Married: 19.5 years at time of BD
BD 1: Nov, 2016
BD 2: Dec, 2016
OW Suspected: Right away
OW Confirmed: Feb 2017 (EA only)
PA Confirmed: April 2017
Asked H to move out: April 20th, 2017
H moved back home: May 5th, 2017
H Moved out: June 17th, 2017

Offline heroIam

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2017, 01:27:17 PM »
BofH
We are on the same timeline.  How have you been?
Any new developments?

I think I'm at 90% acceptance now.  Other 10% is my hope with all of this.  Don't get as depressed or even angry anymore.  Disbelief at times creeps in.  I'm also doing ok.  Glad to hear most of you are doing ok.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Clara 12

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2017, 06:40:20 AM »
Attaching 😊
Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline Albatross

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #20 on: August 11, 2017, 01:17:36 PM »
LBS stages are same as MLC stages, only difference is that LBS could go trough MLT but also can hit own MLC.

Online Silver

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2017, 12:55:43 AM »
LBS stages are same as MLC stages, only difference is that LBS could go trough MLT but also can hit own MLC.

I would love to hear a clarification for this? How do you see LBS & MLC stages same? How do replay correlates to what LBSs are going trough? And how MLT is part of LBS process? I am not saying they don't/are not, just don't quite get this and it is a very interesting subject.  :)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Albatross

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2017, 01:22:19 PM »
I would love to hear a clarification for this? How do you see LBS & MLC stages same? How do replay correlates to what LBSs are going trough? And how MLT is part of LBS process? I am not saying they don't/are not, just don't quite get this and it is a very interesting subject.  :)

MLT is obligate for all people of our age. We follow same process of individuation as they do. Only difference between transition and crisis is that people in crisis refuse transition or cannot transform, in either way because of that they stuck and that means could not go forward wit life, means they remain in past, means depression and then regress in young age. In brief they escape and avoid transition which is imminent.

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #23 on: August 16, 2017, 01:29:34 AM »
I would love to hear a clarification for this? How do you see LBS & MLC stages same? How do replay correlates to what LBSs are going trough? And how MLT is part of LBS process? I am not saying they don't/are not, just don't quite get this and it is a very interesting subject.  :)

MLT is obligate for all people of our age. We follow same process of individuation as they do. Only difference between transition and crisis is that people in crisis refuse transition or cannot transform, in either way because of that they stuck and that means could not go forward wit life, means they remain in past, means depression and then regress in young age. In brief they escape and avoid transition which is imminent.

Thanks! Very interesting. I have thought myself during last year if I am going trough some kind of ML process myself but it is hard to point that as LBS as you don't know what relates to LBS process and what doesn't. Anyway what I do know is I have changed myself, quite a lot in a year and feel I have change still going on, there are many aspects of it I have become aware of. Could it be as we are thrown in LBS role it actually triggers our own MLT?

How about me noticing I started to look other women, let's say in different way after I was BD:ed.. I thought it was all about I had to find out if I 'still have it' as my marriage was suddenly in danger and my life in limbo... That it was like I was trying to calm myself down with thinking that my W is not the only woman on earth and if she'll leave I would have other choices. To test if I was attractive or something...
That was my 'replay'??? Oh my now I don't understand anything anymore  ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Albatross

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2017, 01:55:48 AM »
Thanks! Very interesting. I have thought myself during last year if I am going trough some kind of ML process myself but it is hard to point that as LBS as you don't know what relates to LBS process and what doesn't. Anyway what I do know is I have changed myself, quite a lot in a year and feel I have change still going on, there are many aspects of it I have become aware of. Could it be as we are thrown in LBS role it actually triggers our own MLT?

How about me noticing I started to look other women, let's say in different way after I was BD:ed.. I thought it was all about I had to find out if I 'still have it' as my marriage was suddenly in danger and my life in limbo... That it was like I was trying to calm myself down with thinking that my W is not the only woman on earth and if she'll leave I would have other choices. To test if I was attractive or something...
That was my 'replay'??? Oh my now I don't understand anything anymore  ;D

As You can see on beginning of topic you have those 5 stages of grief. Your life like was is dead, there is no return in past, you can only go forward, it is same for MLCer. Difference is that their MLC push us in same $h!te where they are. At beginning LBS have to GAL, in my opinion that wont work. Natural is that LBS going in depression, depression is not bad thing, it is necessary to introspect, grief, contemplate, seek for answers, find them, change self, find a peace, improve coping skills and then LBS become anxious to see how that would work, all of that is in spiral cycles upward, you think that you are in same place but you aren't, each cycle make you stronger and better.

About OW in beginning is normal, because your self esteem is shuttered, and you mimicking spouse, because you feel lost. Difference MLCer - LBS is that MLCer running away from self and refuse to change leaded by emotions, LBS wants to change self to make life successful and stable again. 

Offline waiting4

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #25 on: August 31, 2017, 03:09:54 PM »
I am definitely in  depression / bargaining /anger
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2017, 06:12:14 AM »
Im def stuck in anger and I hate it.

Offline LiveIwillDo

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #27 on: October 01, 2017, 09:23:58 AM »
My sadness comes in waves.. I do my best to feel it n release it... I am no longer in denial... Ive accepted the fact that stbx in a relationship with MOW . Hurts still.. Forces me Me to deal with the rejection(from my own crap too) the anger is the ugliest😨 i have begun to hear myself say nasty things about H nd i can stop myself.. That in its self is huge for me cause it was all about how bad he treated me.. Not soo much these days.. I am training myself to say... It didn't work out between us.. And its ok.. I am starting to write a new chapter in my life and it will be better than the last half😃
« Last Edit: October 01, 2017, 09:25:29 AM by LiveIwillDo »
I Am Firmly Planted!

Online Mortesbride

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2017, 03:12:25 PM »
I have been trying to google some LBS anger articles or whatever but only come across stuff for the MLC anger and dealing with that.

Anyone here have some useful stuff on the LBS anger?

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2017, 04:39:01 PM »
That would be great, anger is something Im struggling with, I would like to get to the point where he has zero effect on me, its been 3 1/2 yrs he married the ow and i have no interest in ever seeing him again.

Offline Treasur

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #30 on: November 14, 2017, 04:33:29 AM »
I've found some of these articles helpful, especially with a vanisher who isn't available to shout at! https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/i-feel-angry-divorce/
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Treasur

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #31 on: November 14, 2017, 04:48:27 AM »
Just occurred to me that when I'm angry (and I'm not big on anger, so it's more p***ed off resentment usually), I'm angry about two things:

1. I got no vote on something that blew up almost every bit of my life and polluted me reality of 18 years, or even a vote on how to get out of my marriage

2. That while I've been struggling alone with the rubble he ran away from, as well as my own grief, pain and other life stuff, he has been living for free on his auntie's houseboat in Chelsea, partying, nice job and lots of sex and TLC from a trashy blonde. TBH, it feels like my life has been nothing but s$it for 2 years and his life is better. (Lots of assumptions there I know, but it is taking me a long time to recover to the point where my life looks like better than a car-wreck...I think I'm envious of my MLCer...sigh, where is karma...I do know that long-term I wouldn't sleep at night if I'd done what he has done to everyone who loved him...but I guess lots of sex helps him right now, yuk!)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #32 on: November 14, 2017, 04:52:02 AM »
Treasure Im feeling exactly how u r, he dumped my kids and i nearly had us thrown in the st,took off and married his wh*r^, without a 2nd thought like its normal, his father did the same thing to him, he had vowed he would never to the same to his family, well whadda ya know HE HAS.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #33 on: November 14, 2017, 06:16:14 AM »
My anger comes from:

1. How can he become such a different person. I would never associate with a man who abandons his family and cheats on his wife. Yet now I have to...

2. Murdering my happily ever after 50+ year marriage and solid family plans.

3. Betraying me in such a way it will scar my soul forever.

4. Hurting my kids.

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #34 on: November 14, 2017, 06:28:27 AM »
Mbride I so relate, the fact that he's actually married this wench and couldn't give a damn about the hurt and destruction he's caused is living his 'happily ever after' in a home that the wench owned, while he would'nt of bat an eyelid if we were thrown out of the family home, as long as he got 'his share' and lived his life thats all that matters, while my kids are hurt beyond comprehension infuriates me no end, and the mutual friends that i will never have anything to do with again with he has their full support.

Offline Kitkat23

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #35 on: November 15, 2017, 06:26:26 AM »
Treasur that is exactly why I feel so angry. Only he then has the audacity to actually thank me for being so reasonable. I’m not being reasonable I’m just hoping that you might see sense someday if I don’t react. Not reacting is hard though when he keeps saying he’s moving out but whilst here leaves a dating website open on the iPad. Seriously why do they have to keep repeatedly rubbing it in our faces. Every day seems to bring another curveball and you literally have no say or power to stop them. 

Online Mortesbride

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #36 on: November 15, 2017, 12:21:05 PM »
Perhaps you should accidentally update his dating profile to say ''I am a married man looking to leave my wife and kids, I don't really care what you look like as long as you will listen to my story of woe and let me stick it to you every now and then. You don't need to be smart, attractive, financially stable, or emotionally stable for that matter. Just have a pulse and a need to please and I am all yours. Signed...Just another MLCer''

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #37 on: November 15, 2017, 03:13:46 PM »
Perhaps you should accidentally update his dating profile to say ''I am a married man looking to leave my wife and kids, I don't really care what you look like as long as you will listen to my story of woe and let me stick it to you every now and then. You don't need to be smart, attractive, financially stable, or emotionally stable for that matter. Just have a pulse and a need to please and I am all yours. Signed...Just another MLCer''

X won't parade the wh*r^ he's keeping it 'private' although he 'married' her he's told a few people he's single.

Offline Kitty

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #38 on: January 09, 2018, 08:51:19 AM »
Does numbness count as shock? I will go through large blocks of the day feeling nothing, then I will get a text or a call from H and then I'll go to bargaining/depression.

I also do a lot of comparing between myself and the OW. It's wrong I know, but I'm kind of baffled about it. I think I could actually understand if she was younger than me, most stories of MLCers I've read about the OW/OM is younger. In this case she is a year older than H. I remember him saying he had a crush on her in high school but never had the nerve to ask her out. Does that count as MLC replay?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline moc

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #39 on: January 11, 2018, 02:07:12 AM »
Does numbness count as shock? I will go through large blocks of the day feeling nothing, then I will get a text or a call from H and then I'll go to bargaining/depression.

I also do a lot of comparing between myself and the OW. It's wrong I know, but I'm kind of baffled about it. I think I could actually understand if she was younger than me, most stories of MLCers I've read about the OW/OM is younger. In this case she is a year older than H. I remember him saying he had a crush on her in high school but never had the nerve to ask her out. Does that count as MLC replay?

Kitty: the numbness is a normal process of detaching.  I remember when I "let go and let God" it scared me so much that I had no feeling whatsoever.  I could not cry, I could not laugh, I had no feeling.  That is protection mechanism and it is a bit odd but necessary. 

Please do not compare yourself to the OW.  Do not give her headspace, she is not worth it.  She is a symptom of his complete crisis.  No OW or OM is ever worth it.  They are always an affair down.  She might be playing the "mommy" role being older.  Yes, totally MLC replay and of course he is going back to emotionally mature where he left off...in High School.  Be strong and sure of yourself.  Do something good with you.  Get a makeover, freshen the wardrobe, make him wonder what he left behind.  Heal inside and the outside will show through.  Fake it until you make it.  Leave him in the dust behind but you can still keep an eye in the rearview mirror if he decided to catch up to you.

Peace to you!
M: 48
W: 42
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2018, 06:46:17 PM »
Is it possible to be in:

Denial
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

All at the same time?!?
Denial and acceptance are so opposite, not sure how I could be both at the same time, but in my heart I want to deny that things are so upside down, but in my head I accept that H is in MLC and I need to deal with the $hit associated therewith.

NO BARGAINING FOR ME!  I have no desire to plead, neg, negotiate or anything like that.  Because I understand that won't help anything.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #41 on: January 13, 2018, 04:18:43 AM »
I tend to cycle between:
Anger ''F him and his BS''
Acceptance ''Nothing I can do but focus on me''
Positive ''it will all work out''

Offline MCSINME

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #42 on: January 13, 2018, 02:37:23 PM »
Bride:
That explains all your wonderful posts!
Keep focusing on yourself.  Your positivity is terrific!

Offline Treasur

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #43 on: January 14, 2018, 02:11:25 AM »
Is it possible to be in:

Denial
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

All at the same time?!? Yup...we all cycle as LBS...over time, the cycles are less sharp and deep perhaps.

Denial and acceptance are so opposite, not sure how I could be both at the same time, but in my heart I want to deny that things are so upside down, but in my head I accept that H is in MLC and I need to deal with the $hit associated therewith.

NO BARGAINING FOR ME!  I have no desire to plead, neg, negotiate or anything like that.  Because I understand that won't help anything.

I think bargaining can be an internal thing too...if I do x, then y might happen or if I think x, then I'll feel better. It's a sort of post-traumatic mental jelly-wrestling really.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MCSINME

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #44 on: January 14, 2018, 12:08:52 PM »
Treasur:
THanks for your thoughts.
I think self-bargaining is what we want to do, to the extent of i.e., if I don't ask a lot of questions, I won't push him father away.  Or - if I don't follow him on social media,
I will feel better. 

What I meant is that I won't bargain with him - if you come back...


Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #45 on: January 17, 2018, 11:41:41 PM »
Update on what stage I've reached, met someone normal and am moving on  :)

Offline Anon

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2018, 01:07:50 PM »
From post #38:

Quote
I remember him saying he had a crush on her in high school but never had the nerve to ask her out. Does that count as MLC replay?

This seems to be a very common theme of who our spouses choose as the affair partner.   I've seen similar comments over and over on the boards.   In my own case, my H's affair down is with a woman he had a brief fling with in High School.   40 yrs later he attends his HS reunion and there she is.   The rest,,,well you can guess.   It's a very common theme it seems.

Any thoughts on why this is so common for MLCer's?

BD June 2017.  Not standing.  I no longer accept MLC as an excuse for his adultery, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and lies.

Offline Anon

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #47 on: February 12, 2018, 01:12:12 PM »
To add to that, if the AP isn't someone from high school, it's very often someone the MLCer knew from the past and has reconnected with via Facebook, or similar.  Why not someone brand new?  I'm guessing it somehow has to do with their regression to an earlier time.
BD June 2017.  Not standing.  I no longer accept MLC as an excuse for his adultery, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and lies.

Offline Shocked

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #48 on: February 13, 2018, 08:00:04 AM »
I believe you are ready right! This replay is all about making up for the youth they believe they were cheated out of.
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Kitty

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Re: LBS Stages 4
« Reply #49 on: February 16, 2018, 03:55:06 PM »
To add to that, if the AP isn't someone from high school, it's very often someone the MLCer knew from the past and has reconnected with via Facebook, or similar.  Why not someone brand new?  I'm guessing it somehow has to do with their regression to an earlier time.

H always told me tattoos were a tun off (she has at least 2), he always said kids were a deal breaker (she has 3), and there is no way in hell he could ever date a smoker (she smokes when stressed).  So regression, and maybe the fact that she wormed her way in and validated him and made him feel good about himself when all my efforts failed, are the only reasons he could have chosen her.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

 

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