[Nas]

Nassau,

Thank you for your observation. I have a friend that went through this. He was the one that told me to go NC because my Ex was so focused on his own pain that he couldn't see me or the kids. He told me he wasn't going to care.

The only thing he cared about was relieving his pain by projecting. So leave him alone, and more importantly make him leave me alone. He advocated NC asap. He told me the faster I detached the faster we would have to look at himself. And the faster the AD would get the brunt of his anger.

He also told me he'll miss you when you aren't around to sage his a*s when things start to fall apart.

I think that is true in many cases, that NC makes them see what they've given up.

I guess it depends on the situation.  In my case, I don't think my H will get through this unless he starts to feel as unhappy and empty in his new life as he did in his old life.  We sold our home right before his MLC started and have no children.  In terms of what he's giving up (besides me), it's just his retirement fund. 
My H left in July 2015 and lived with his mother for 10 months before moving away to be with OW.  His mother is an enabler who is just completely enamored with her darling son.  She cooked for him and instigated "heart to heart" talks and showered him with adoration.
OW is likely doing the same.

So contact or not, he's getting what he "needs" and hasn't lost an enormous amount.

I have minimal contact because I definitely think it helps in taking away the opportunity to project, blame and justify.
Once we are divorced, I will probably go completely NC.  But I don't think it would make him look at himself, at least not for a long time, because he's got his whole new life to distract him.

That's just my situation based on what I see of my particular MLCer.   I'm very interested to follow this discussion and see what others think.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My friend who had the MLC is now struggling with his wife going through one. He understands her, so he is navigating it as best as he can. The pain is what drives them. They focus it on us.

He claims that NC forces them to leave you alone. That's the key: you being taken completely out of the picture. Detached or not, being out of the line of fire does hit home with them. You just have to wait to out.

[Velika]

M3G, early on when my husband bomb dropped both my therapist and my neighbor who is a therapist pretty much told me: "Go no contact."

(I didn't listen. I couldn't — I was too traumatized and thought that I could convince my husband he was making a mistake.)

My therapist 100 percent supports no contact. He has also echoed that this is pure projection. His feeling is that it can't go on forever, that most projections crumble, but there is no way of knowing how long it will take.

He told me that I needed to remove myself from the negative projection, and that the sooner I did so the sooner my husband would have to deal with his own s---. (His words.)

I think that the trauma the LBS experiences unfortunately only confirms demented projections of an MLCer. A person in their right mind would see the pain as a consequence of their poor behavior. Instead the MLCer sees it as a confirmation of their projections.

I have written elsewhere, I read that women will often act out the unowned feelings/depression of a man in the relationship. MLC is like the major production of this.

I don't think that MLC is a fast process at all, but I do sometimes wonder if I had managed to go super, hyper no-contact from the get-go if things would have progressed differently. I think unfortunately LBS suffering makes the exuberant OW seem like a better option and more of an escape.

I don't know if the MLCer sees this in retrospect or not.

[evas]

I went NC very early on (though not entirely NC since we have a son who was 4 at the time). First of all it was recommended to me by a guy at Divorce Remedy, whom I spoke to perhaps 2 weeks after BD. He told me to quit being my H's mother, break co-dependency and leave him alone. It became an obsession with me to do things "right" so I followed this advice.

No matter what people say here, or how controversial it may be (I know at the time I stepped on some people's feet) I remain ABSOLUTELY convinced that going NC is one of the reasons my H got out of his MLC, left his "Amor", and came back home to me. Maybe it's just like some moms of autistic children who say that there's a window of opportunity right at the beginning to pull your child out of autism. However my H was fully cooked when he returned, no doubt about it.

It is now 4 years later and we are still together and very happy.

That's my result of going NC (or close to it) early on.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Velika,

My therapist told me the same thing. It had nothing to do with me, and that I had to remove myself for my own sake. He was going to continue to be a jerk as long as I put up with it. I had so many people telling me to focus on me, and that was all the I could do. I went NC early, because he was really getting vindictive not just in words, but in actions too. When I reread my own threads from when I first started, I can't believe all the s*it I put up with.

None of this has anything to do with us. Whether they come back or not is not the issue. The real issue here is how much: self respect, dignity, and self confidence do you really want to give up? In the end, just like I wouldn't respect the Ex if he came back on his knees grovelling. How much do you think they have for us when we're first bomb dropped? Short answer: none.

I think that way too much time is spent focusing on the MLCer in the beginning. It's when you can step back and really take a more objective look, that's when you get a hold of yourself. Then you can deal with all the chaos and destruction in a more constructive way.

They are really in the Twilight zone when it comes down to it. They really don't care about the LBSer when they are in the tunnel. So, NC, DD, or Paving the way doesn't have any affect. It's about all about the MLCer. Once you stop focusing on them, that's when they either wake up, snap out, or leave for good. You don't know which way it's going to go. Whichever way it does, you have to be prepared to live without them for the rest of your life. That might not be the case, but at least you'll be prepared if it is. But, I believe that you have a better chance of them coming back if you go NC. No interference seems to be a beacon for them. Besides, you'd rather the AD/OP get to have to finish the journey with them. Lord knows they deserve it.

[Velika]

Evas, you have one of the most instructive threads on this forum. Your comments are very insightful. I think in some ways there is a disempowering message (not intentional) that can permeate this forum. I think that many highly traumatized LBS need very assertive instructions that go counter-intuitive to what they would normally do.

M3G, yes I would actually advocate for every new LBS to go no contact at bomb drop and also to immediately get a separation agreement — straight away. These are two heavy doses of reality.

I have noticed a lot of success on threads where the LBS decided to move away. This to me is an example of how extreme no contact can be productive.

[evas]

I have noticed a lot of success on threads where the LBS decided to move away. This to me is an example of how extreme no contact can be productive.

Exactly. In my case the mere threat of moving far away was very productive (it was a reality that I was forced to contemplate because of financial circumstances). I also believe in doing most everything counter-intuitively. Or the opposite of what one usually does. It worked wonders with my clinger and it made me feel strong and more in control.

[Watcher]

I did not have the chance to go NC early on. She took off 3 weeks after BD without a word. She came back and I was thrown out with the help of PD for another 5 months. So I was too beaten up to even think about NC. It did help that she went NC with me.

She was so crazy Monster at the time that I don't believe NC would have made a difference. She wanted me gone. Period. Anyway necessary.

Now, I returned home at 8 months after BD but she was overt depressed for 90 days. Again she had NC with me. She emerged in June and was straight monster until I left at the end of July. I was gone 32 days. This time I went NC. There is no more divorce talk. Now she wants to keep the family intact and has apologized for certain things that she has done. It's too soon for me to determine if NC worked.

However, this woman hammered me for divorce for 13 months. I left, agreed divorce maybe a good option with her, went NC, and now she wants to save the family. Only time will tell.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Thanks Watcher for giving us the male perspective.

[Nas]

For folks who went NC who are sharing their insight here, I'm wondering also, did you communicate that you were going NC or did you just stop contact at a certain point?

I ask because I wonder if that makes any difference, if there's a clear boundary articulated to the MLCer or if the LBS just stops communicating.