[Thunder]

My3, I sure didn't see anyone getting defensive.  We were all talking about NC and what we believe it is meant for and when to use it.
Every one has opinions about it, which is good I think.

I personally didn't go NC but my H didn't have a ow so I saw no reason for it.  Now had he found a gf, I would have had to go NC because I was married to a womanizer and promised myself I'd never do it again.  So we would have been over.

But does NC work to change the MLCer, who knows?  It's a boundary we need when they are abusive in language or physically.
I think it may make them think.  It may make them miss you.  But until they do the work they need to do on themselves I don't think it helps them get through the tunnel any faster.  But that's just me.

I would never tell someone they shouldn't go NC if it helps them.  Everyone has to make their own choices.
I just go by what RCR said, it should not be used as a punishment but if it's a good consequence for them then good.   

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My3, I sure didn't see anyone getting defensive.  We were all talking about NC and what we believe it is meant for and when to use it.
Every one has opinions about it, which is good I think.

I personally didn't go NC but my H didn't have a ow so I saw no reason for it.  Now had he found a gf, I would have had to go NC because I was married to a womanizer and promised myself I'd never do it again.  So we would have been over.

But does NC work to change the MLCer, who knows?  It's a boundary we need when they are abusive in language or physically.
I think it may make them think.  It may make them miss you.  But until they do the work they need to do on themselves I don't think it helps them get through the tunnel any faster.  But that's just me.

I would never tell someone they shouldn't go NC if it helps them.  Everyone has to make their own choices.
I just go by what RCR said, it should not be used as a punishment but if it's a good consequence for them then good.   

Thunder,

This discussion was not started to start a slug fest. I've been on the forum long enough to see where this is going. I just want this to be a discussion that stays on topic. The purpose of this discussion is to be able to tell about experiences with NC and what the results are. Not to talk about why it doesn't work, or whatever. Just results. Can we agree that that is the intent?

[Reallytrying]

My3girls - as you say no need to get defensive.  If you re-read my post you will say that what I am responding to is a specific comment made by Velika that specifically asks about whether going No contact moves them along faster.  She also stated that she thinks it should be the number 1 recommendation on this site. 

My feeling is actually very respectful of each individual's choice:

These were my actual words:

"What I think is most important is that we not try to push one way or the other but instead learn from each other the different ways that people handle these situations and support each other's choices. Someone who has chosen no contact will never get a note from me saying that they should speak to their MLCer. Likewise people who want to remain in contact and pave the way - or not should not be made to feel that no contact will get them to their desired outcome sooner.

What we need to advocate is people regaining control over their emotions, focusing on their own growth,  and being treated with respect. That can occur with or without contact with the MLCer."


Nowhere in that statement is there judgement.  Instead there is advocacy of support for whichever situation you choose to manage the changes in your life.  I have said repeatedly you have to choose what works for you.   I am personally offended at the suggestion that I would resent your progress with no contact.  I have never done anything on this site but support each person I have come in contact with and if you are seeing success with no contact then I am nothing but happy for you.  Reconciliations give us all hope.

I will say again I have no problem with those who choose no contact as an opportunity to give yourself time and space to heal and grow and I am always happy to support each person's choice in how they navigate this difficult situation.

I am simply saying that we need to be careful about making sweeping, blanket statements about no contact as each situation is different and there is no evidence that it speeds the MLCer along.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

RT, I stated at the beginning that it was my opinion. That's why I stated it first. I don't want anyone to come away from this thinking that I believe that speak for others. Again, I stated my opinion because it's my opinion. I can only speak for myself. I cannot and will not speak for others. That was the point of this discussion.

I would like this to stay on an even keel if possible. No hard feelings, just telling what happened.

Fair enough?

[Velika]

I actually do think that anyone who receives a bomb drop should go no contact for a period of time. This is to regain equilibrium and hopefully diffuse a tense situation.

I think this also might help separate out of this is true MLC or just confusion/affair etc.

I think what happens next should depend on the MLCer's response. If they make attempts to contact and are being respectful then I think contact is okay. But if they are baiting or abusive I think it should be maintained.

I am saying this as someone who knew nothing about MLC going in. I thought I could reason with my husband. This made it 100x worse.

Most people who receive a bomb drop take it as face value at first. They think their spouse is the same person telling them they have been unhappy for years. If this were better understood like menopause and PPD I think that giving the MLCer a lot of space -- especially when they are so volatile -- creates less resistance at the very least.

I find these discussions really interesting! I think it's good when people experiment and share results. Maybe we can "crack the code" wouldn't that be nice!

[Passiflora]

It's a boundary we need when they are abusive in language or physically.

I went NC a months after BD and during that month I had 1 phone conversations with now XH. I think that one lasted 1,5 h he spoke the first 10 min then shut down completely and the conversation was about a emergency situation about our son, a TOTAL waist of time if you ask me. The second phone conversation I had with him was in october when we (son and I) tried to get him to start the process of dividing assets. He ran away from that meeting and the 3h conversation was like talking to someone who had an IQ of -30 (if that's possible) Both conversations was in 2014.

Now almost 2 year of NC. Total vanisher for me, don't know about the amount spent with kids, since we don't talk about him much.

Don't know "the result" of NC for him but…..for me a total blessing for my healing. I didn't do it for my "healing" at first, that has been a bi-product, I did it cause why waist time on someone abusing me. For me I didn't se him as a mentally stable person at that time. Lots of abuse during the last period before BD and the 2 conversations is also something I would label abusive.

The only thing he has done towards me, don't know if he wanted a reaction from me by doing so but he ordered a credit card and he started taking out rent from our house (we own 50/50) so that's illegal. I reported the first thing to the police and he must have gotten that report from them. I did not break my NC with him over these 2 things.

My opinion on NC or noNC, do what ever you feel is right for you! For me, staying friends with him during this time (when he is involved with an ow) or when he is abusive OR even if he is alone, not abusive but does not want to try to reconcile that will never be something I could do but that's me.

So my conclusion, I don't know if my NC or his vanishing act is pushing him through the tunnel faster or not. So I'm sorry no results yet from the Swedish jury! 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I hope this discussion doesn't get hijacked. This could be a great if we stay on point. Everyone's input is welcome. I will keep bringing it back to the original question if we deviate too far one way or the other.

[Searching4Answers]

Looking back, I wish I would have gone NC sooner.

I lived with my ex for 27 months after BD. I went dark/dim about 11 months post BD. When I moved out I remained dim - only responding to his contact never initiating. So long as he was civil and polite I figured what was the harm. Last December, he started to monster again via text. What I saw was the same old angry, selfish MLCer and I decided that I didn't want to be on the receiving end of monster anymore so I stopped responding. Even at this point, I did not go completely NC - I refused to be his punching bag but I kept the door open in case he wanted to show remorse (rofl). Once I stopped responding, his texts started getting really random. He was trying to bait me into talking to him. Eventually in April he sent an angry text because he didn't like that I was ignoring him so I went NC. Just last week, he sent me an email - since I didn't respond to his texts he tried another avenue. He even commented "did I receive his texts or not" and "am I ignoring him?". He actually sent the email from a new email account to make sure I got it in case I had blocked his old email addresses!

I went NC for my own sanity and healing. I made progress very quickly once I stopped him from having access to me. My ex is very manipulative and controlling - I can see much clearer now that I have some distance. I will remain NC until he shows a sincere attempt at acknowledging the damage that he has caused - this will likely happen when pigs fly or he!! freezes over.

NC is not right for everyone and NC doesn't mean forever. Only you can figure out what feels right for you and your healing/growth. I think that it is very hard for many of us to consider NC in the early days - I know it was for me but that had mothing to do with the MLCer - it was all about me!

[Nas]

I mentioned on my own thread that I have gained some valuable insights by reading through some old threads from a member named FI_Foolish_Idiot.
He is an MLCer who who came here a few years back as he was trying to reconcile with his wife, whom he had divorced I think about 2 years earlier.

Link to the thread in case anyone wants to read it.  I have found it very helpful and would recommend reading it because it does give some great insight into the MLCer's thinking.  I stumbled across it earlier this week at exactly the time I needed it.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5542.msg354892#msg354892

In this thread, he was responding to some LBS questions about the contact he had with his wife and how he felt about it at the time.  It's not specifically about NC, but I wanted to share it because I think it's relevant to this discussion.

At one point in the thread an LBS asks "How did you actually feel about your W when you were pushing her away? When you were feeling detached and were away from her. Did you think you disliked her, hated her? "

His response made me think about contact in general.  I added the bold for emphasis.:

"Notice that in that (very short) list of items, everything is all about "I"... extremely egocentric. I'm not really focusing on her. If she's trying to interact with me, it's just an annoyance (like a buzzing fly). And I might say something that was: 1) Not Kind; 2) Sarcastic; 3) Downright Mean; and 4) Hurtful. Or I might not say anything. Notice also that there are no positives for the spouse. By the way, I generally tried not to say anything... less splatter later.

Because she was not interacting with me, I couldn't use her as my focus for why I was feeling the way I was. And that could be frustrating (to me). From her point of view, it was a d*mned if you do and d*mned if you don't scenario. She couldn't win no matter what she did. If she didn't interact with me, then she didn't care. If she did interact with me, she was going to get emotionally hurt.

I disliked her in that she was an interference or impediment to my mythical perfect life that might have been around the corner."

He basically says he's was not focused on his wife at all, period.  But from his wife's point of view, if she was NC it seemed she didn't care, but if she had contact she risked getting hurt.
So contact or no contact affected her much more than him.

The sentences I bolded are I think what makes contact levels so important and also so difficult for the LBS to decide on what type of contact to have, and leaves me with the only conclusion being that we should have as little or as much contact as WE feel is right for us...because as far as the MLCer goes, it probably doesn't make much of a difference at all. 

Every MLCer is different, but I think in my specific case the statement "If she's trying to interact with me, it's just an annoyance (like a buzzing fly)" is more than likely accurate for my H as well.  I also think that the view of the LBS as an impediment is probably common, and if that's the case, it would seem that the more contact there is, the more the MLCer feels impeded. 

Anyway, all just food for thought.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Nassau,

Thank you for your observation. I have a friend that went through this. He was the one that told me to go NC because my Ex was so focused on his own pain that he couldn't see me or the kids. He told me he wasn't going to care.

The only thing he cared about was relieving his pain by projecting. So leave him alone, and more importantly make him leave me alone. He advocated NC asap. He told me the faster I detached the faster he would have to look at himself. And the faster the AD would get the brunt of his anger.

He also told me he'll miss you when you aren't around to save his a*s when things start to fall apart.