[Absolutely Fabulous]

Kikki, Why did you subject yourself to those kinds of conversations? And how do you feel about NC now? Do you feel like it may have saved you a lot of the pain and anguish that have you have most definitely suffered? If I'm reading this right, you are now divorced? Is he now a vanisher or a clinger?

If you had to do it all over again, would you change how you handled the situation? And what would you have changed?

[kikki]

Firstly, my priority was to try to convince him to get the psychological help he clearly needed.  He went to a few psychologists and a psychiatrist, but pretty much ran away each time.
In hindsight, and knowing what I now know, I would phone the crisis team immediately when he had his first psychotic episode.

Do I think it would have changed the course of the crisis?  I don't know, but my suspicions are no, they wouldn't have because a very determined OW was involved.

I described a snapshot of the many years.  If you have access to the private side, my threads are on there if you want to read further.
Mainly, we talked about the business and the children.  He would sometimes throw in how he was feeling about things. 
We had a business to run, and I knew I kept him somewhat stable, and we relied on him as much as he relied on me business wise.
My second priority was to survive financially.

As I mentioned, I asked him not to keep hovering around me to protect myself when it all became too much. 

We had three early teens together, a business together and worked together, so NC was impossible and he was so completely out of control.
Any time I said he could no longer appear at the house whenever he felt like it and had to leave me alone, he would monster and cause some trauma that affected the boys and me financially.
Involving lawyers who baited me, but refusing to resolve anything.  I went as dark as I could, and very rarely contacted him unless it was essential due to the kids or business.

I do not live in the US and our laws do very little to protect the LBS and the children.

He divorced me nearly two years ago now, with zero settlement, after he managed to steal the company and my livelihood from me.  He divorced so that I would not be able to make a claim on the house that he and the OW bought and I did not have the money to fight his illegal actions with the company.

During our settlement negotiation he stated 'it was a shame we had divorced and he didn't want another man to gain from what he had worked hard for years for'.  More cray cray.

He continued to cling, right up until after our settlement in the new year.
I sent him the wheel of abuse, and said that he owed the boys and myself an apology one day. 
He still clung.

A few weeks later, I told him I was applying for a backdated child support review because we both knew he had lied about his income, when I was left with none. I was granted a significant amount of money, and it was at that point that he stopped clinging.
He has not contacted me since.  It has been me who has contacted him twice in that time to tidy up loose ends around the business.
I have asked him on multiple occasions to delete our combined work email, and he refuses to do so.  He changed the log in details so I have not had access for a few years.

This also coincides with our eldest son (22 years) living with him during this time, and our second son is now working with him.  Our eldest son moved universities and as his dad lives 5 mins away from the university, has chosen to live there.  I think he desperately needed some Dad time after not really having a father for the past 6 years.

The boys went no contact with him too for many many years, but they have pretty much given up and have accepted they have a very un-confident, broken man for a father, who hides behind a very successful business (and who has done the financial dirty on their mother).  They tolerate the OW, at best.
Our youngest son continues to ignore her completely on the rare occasions he sees his dad.

So, to answer your question, we haven't had any contact that he's initiated since the end of March this year.  Prior to that, I saw or heard from him multiple times each week.

No, I wouldn't do anything differently, apart from phoning the crisis team.
I did what I did to survive a very out of control situation.  We live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and as I said, what I did, I did to survive for both myself and my children.

It also meant that the boys didn't have to spend a single night with him until they felt ready to, which has only been this year for two of them.
My third priority was to have my children the least traumatised by this chaos as possible.

While I failed in getting him the help he certainly needed (that really is up to him whether he chooses to do that or not), I didn't fail on the other two.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Kikki, I'm so sorry that things turned out this way for you. We do take it for granted here in the states the laws protecting spouses and children in divorces. Especially in certain no fault states. Thanks for sharing, your honesty is refreshing. And enlightening. A great perspective from the paving the way line of thinking.

[kikki]

Thanks My3girls, but I will be okay.  I do very much wish we had US laws because then things would be very different, but to quote just about every MLCer on the planet 'it is what it is'.

This just appeared in my FB feed.  I think it sums it up well.
'Having a soft heart in a harsh world is courageous, not weak'.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

It's interesting how many of you, if you had to do it all over again, would have gone NC early.

For those that wish that they had, what have you learned from your experience? How would you have done things differently? What would you have done to facilitate NC in your personal situation? And, at what point would you have gone NC if you could do it all over again? A timeline would be helpful.

Do you feel that you would have been better able to cope with your situation more effectively and detach faster? Was interacting with them detrimental to your ability to cope and detach? Lastly, what advice would you give someone who is considering choosing to go NC for self perservation?  And, do you think it would have helped with your own personal well-being?

[in it]

Good for you Kikki sending him the wheel of abuse. Something everyone should take a look at.

 Lots of really good  questions My3. I may get into those more later.

[Mitzpah]

'Having a soft heart in a harsh world is courageous, not weak'.

Yes!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Going NC has now taken on a new meaning. He's using the kids to try to keep a connection.

I've taken a hard line and now I've told him that we can only have contact through the mail ( postal service not email ). This is an extreme boundary. I need the peace in my life at this point.

Has anyone else had to use this as a boundary to continue to heal, and move on with their personal journey?

[in it]

No..I had to threaten to have the ex arrested a little more than three years ago that was the only way I could stop him from contacting me at any level  and for me to have any peace and work on healing.

Should I have done this at BD and D 6 years ago? Threatened to have him arrested and gone NC? I had plenty of incidents that existed where I could have and should have to save myself from the abuse, the trauma, and the insanity.

I bought into it was an MLC when it wasn't. I had too much compassion for him.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Hey In it,

How's the healing coming? Mine is still acting like he's the victim and making things difficult. It's all I can do to keep my sanity in check when it comes to his nonsense.

I'm glad I went NC early on, I think that things would have been worse. For now, I think that he's not dealing with this new boundary well, and his triangulation with the kids is starting to become a daily thing.