[BonBon]

Wow, that sheds some light.
My H was adopted as an infant - him birth mother was 16 and it was 1964....she wanted to keep him but was not allowed to.  He always told his adoptive parents his birth mother didn't want him.  They tried to explain but he wouldn't buy it.  She contacted him when he was in his 30's and though they are friends, there is always an edge I think.

His parents adopted a sister for him a year after his adoption.  Then my MIL concieved and gave birth to a very unhealthy child.  She was like an angel apparently.  She died during open heart surgery at age 5 or 6.
My H cried once saying the only child his parents could "have" died.  As if he was not as worthy of being their child.

About 3 years ago, while visiting him birth mom (she lives in a different state far away), she pulled him aside to tell him she found out his birth father (who she had not seen since 1964 and did not even know my husband existed) died a few years ago.

I have to wonder how much all of this contributes to the current identity crisis.  It must. 

Bonnie

[In this for ME]

Thinng hair on head getting grey.. LOTS of body hair...NO CONFLICT AVOIDENCE Creates them more than avoids  them. False sense of pride. Definate anger issues stemming from childhood. Easily offended and humilated. Sexually submissive. Complicates the simplest things. Lacks sense of self and self worth.
VERY self centered..I'd say Narcessitic for the duration of the 27 years we've been together.
Oh yes I forgot TOTALLY CHARMING ALSO..great sense of humor.

[Hope for Zen]

My H:
full head of hair
huge conflict avoider
passive aggressive
compartmentalizes different parts of his life (family, friends, work)
some narcissism, mostly started after bomb drop
martyr
charming

[hyperglad]

My H is hairy with only a little grey and definite conflict avoider, people pleaser.... leading to his favourite saying of.....doing things for me now 

This could link in to RCR saying they missed development stages as my H has never dealt with anything before this in his life...even as a child he did everything to please his parents and get noticed as the good boy being the youngest of 9 in a severely dysfunctional family. He was always held up as "the only normal one" , even by his siblings.

[Glimmer]

My H has full head of hair just starting to thin slightly on top. Still dark but quite a bit of grey appeared over the last couple of years.
Definitely a conflict avoider. Said recently that 'I just wanted to do things for me'.

[BonBon]

I just want to know when we get to say "I want to do things for ME!"  Oh, right, never mind....we're not in MLC so we don't get to say that.

If this thing ever blows over, am I allowed to do and say everything I want for 2,3,4,5 years? 

Bonnie 

[trusting]

Bonnie, I am with  you on that! I feel like I  have been carrying my H and the family by myself for years with his issues, workaholism, and now the MLC!  I am ready for MY turn!

[Glimmer]

Me too.

I looked after home and family for as long as I can remember. Still waiting for my turn but can't see it happening any time soon.

[Moving Forward]

hello all,
my husband's Mum dies aged 38, he was1 5 and his sister 12, hid Dad remarried within a year to a Czech aldy who couldn't speak any English. My husband's sister was sent off an a French exchange visit for 3 weeks justa fter her Mum had died and wasn't told about it - she was buried by the time she acme back from the trip.

my husband had to empty his Mum's wardrobe of ehr clothes the day before his Dad's new sife arrived from Czech - he had slept in his Dad's room because he had threatened to blow his brains out.

H's Dad threw himself into his work (despite promises to the contrary) and had 2 children very quickly afterwards. H's Dad totally dotes on his 2 younger children and my husband had real issues that they got everything that he felt entitled to from his Dad/mum's stage building things up!

My husband could never talk about his Mum and her death after his step mother arrived.

As part of my process of trying to get to grips with my situation I feel certain what happened to my husband at 15 is the main trigger for his MLC - his maternal grandmotehr died in 2002, he lost his job in 2006, his paternal Grandma dies in October 2008 - his affair with the ex girfriend he was going at with from 15 to 21 started in November 2008 - got physical in April 2009 and BD October 2010.

I think it's all about the poor handling of his mother's death and the emtional/phsyical detached approach of his dad which is the main trigger for my husband's MLC.

I hope it is not a genetic things which has caused my hsuband's MLC - maybe it is a set of genetic charateristics which can manifest themselves with physical conditions (i.e. dyslexics often have very spotty and dry skin at the tops of their arms but no one really knows why) that mean certain types of people are lessa ble to cope with stressors day to day???

Justt hinking out loud here really - I look for signs in my kids they could be suspeptible to MLC malaise but so far think they are in the clear!!

Time will tell I suppose!

P
xx

Choose Life

[forthetrees]

So, it has become evident that the receding hairline theory is not holding any water. But hey, it was worth a shot. The conflict avoidance seems to be a more common factor.

I was sweeping up twigs yesterday and this popped into my mind: My MIL had several miscarriages before H was born and H was the first baby to go full term and survive. I´m wondering if she held back from full attachment to spare herself the excrutiating pain of loss in case he didn´t make it. She then had four more children, the first two were close together in age. Just wondering as my H has lead a privileged life and I don´t know where this is coming from. (Youngest sister died in ´95 from cancer before starting college).

FTT