[Roma]

MWBR, you are a newie. Just in your first six weeks of mentoring. Let yourself heal first, and learn more before you come up with a decision. Be informed and healthy when you make a major decision like dating.

Time does wonders



~Elegance

[Thunder]

Hi El,

I sounds like MWBR has already made that decision.

[Roma]

Oh lol
Whatever floats your boat lol

[Thundarr]

I know for myself, I am still so much in love with my H that I would not consider going on a date.  It would just give me more anxiety.  I remain true to my H, even though he could care less.  I pray to God each day for a miracle.  I would love nothing more than to have our family together again.  Also, for my children - they know I am nowhere ready for another relationship.  I don't want to do something for the wrong reasons.  So I guess, I am still standing and hoping even though the divorce is near being finalized.  It is whatever God wants for me.

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with standing even after divorce if that's what you want to do. I stood for just short of five years, which was three years after the D was final.  There's no one size fits all answer to any of this.

[Roma]

I'll tell the truth, in the beginning, dating someone else WAS one of my first thoughts. I thought it was only fair, right? Then I learned more and backed off my initial thoughts. It will be a year of standing for me next month. Not going to say the thought of dating hasn't crossed my mind again, I just chose not to.

I don't judge others in their choices. It took me a very long time to regain my balance after BD, yet that is just me.

Do whatever you feel is best for you.

[nah]

The situation is different for everyone.  As mostly an older group many on here have been married or at least in other relationships before MLC.  I met husband when I was 17, he was the only one.

Many would be nervous or not sure, I was neither.  I NEEDED to get out there and did.

Even though I was honest, just like on here, I never made it a secret that I still had strong feelings for the Leaver.  I still hurt a few.  I also took the chance of getting hurt myself. 

IMO, that's part of dating no matter what the circumstances.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Elegance,

I do value your suggestion and part of me is not ready for dating which is good because I'm not pursuing it much. I'm too busy but do have a coffee date with someone this week. Honestly, even if that coffee date worked out I wouldn't have time to get together again for several weeks. I'm a bit suspicious of this guy. He is separated like me but it's only been 4 months like me. I will probably drive him away with my suspicion. I have a hard time trusting anyone right now. I just saw H and wanted to barf. I am still angry when I have to deal with him. If we didn't have a kid together I'd go no contact. Really sucks having a kid with this crazy version of H. Ugh.

[scooter]

http://esteemology.com/stop-trying-so-hard-and-learning-when-to-let-go/

Thank you Law Professor this article was just what I needed to read. I know I am a poster child for co-dependency, I am my own worst enemy.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

I got to thinking what Elegance said. Though it's been 4 months since BD, it's been 2 years of this MLC crap! H withheld sex, love, affection, even holding hands for nearly 2 years. So, I honestly don't look at it as 4 months. It's been 2 freaking years of MLC torture. My life was hell. I felt unlovable, undesirable, unattractive, you name it I felt it because of his treatment of me. For the first time in years I feel confident, attractive, smart, sexy, desirable, funny, basically an awesome catch!

[STP]

Glad to hear that your confidence is high MWBR. I too agree the time needed varies on how much distance one needs before dating again. Over the last six months I've been formulating a list of what I've learned being out in the pool again. I was going to post this in my thread but I think enough of my followers are in this one.

MY 10 A-HA THOUGHTS IN THE DATING WORLD

1. CRAFT BEER IS WHERE IT'S AT. Of the nine women I've seen during the last six months, most, if not all have gravitated towards craft beer (if not wine). The fun names and small breweries are what's in. It is the drink of choice by the lot.

2. SITTING AT THE BAR. In nearly every case the women I've seen have wanted to sit at the bar, even if eating food. The taller the chair the better. Sitting across from one another at a table or booth seems out and undesirable.

3. WEEKDAY DATES ARE FINE. The expression "living for the weekend" seems to be a thing of the past, as the modern women I've seen, are perfectly available to date any day of the week. They want fun and freedom from a commitment.

4. THAT FIRST DATE KISS. No... there is no single peck goodnight. Of the nine I've seen, four ended with make-out sessions. For the other five there was nothing more than a hug and they did not see a second date. The other four continued on with regularity.

5. WHEN TO GO ALL THE WAY? For two it was the tenth date. For the other two, the third date. I see the difference being who's chasing who. The more aggressive women wanted all out sex sooner than I did. Most are no longer able to have children.

6. "OH GOD!" Women really do say this during sex. My ex was quiet. Not so for these vocal unattached women. The look they all get in their eyes when their necks are kissed is dreamy. I try to not get intimidated by the screaming.

7. BEAUTIES ARE EVERYWHERE. This one especially flipped my stance off of standing (along with the ongoing presence of OM). To think your spouse is irreplaceable is foolish. Their are millions of potential partners out there. Incredible, beautiful, fun, exciting, intelligent people to meet and be with. When we selected our mates at a younger age we were new to the world and with time and experience have learned a lot. Sure I wished to be at the same table with my EX when our kids got married as a whole and happy unit, but thats an illusion and the reality is no one is incapable of being replaced. Life is movement. Move on.

8. THEY COME IN ALL DIFFERENT SIZES AND COLORS. While married it was very well noted that I loved tall chesty brunettes with brown eyes. The women I've dated fall into a myriad of different categories and none match that description.  I understand the difference between chest and cup size better now. Petite blondes with blue eyes prevailI They are all good, if you open up your mind to it.

9. THEY TALK. I don't know if it because they are single or what but these modern women talk. A lot. Never a shortage of things for them to say, which is refreshing for an introvert like me to listen to.

10. MY EX WAS SMART (AND ANGRY!). Of all the wonderful women I have encountered, none come even close to matching the intellectual brains of my ex. She was smart, wise and knowledgable on everything. And angry. I've never encountered the likes of anger like that from anyone since.

Just my thoughts. No offense intended.