Author Topic: MLC Monster VANISHER 3  (Read 5569 times)

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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MLC Monster VANISHER 3
« on: October 15, 2016, 07:02:20 PM »
Does anyone have any comments/feedback regarding vanishers?


Vanisher 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0

Vanisher 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0


Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
« Last Edit: October 17, 2016, 06:35:22 AM by OldPilot »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Southern Belle

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2016, 07:34:58 PM »
Rossbren, my H is what I consider to be a vanisher.   No contact since June of this year, and very little before that.   

My personal viewpoint is that they are on the extreme end of escape and avoid because either

a)their shame and guilt is so great and they are trying to completely bury that in their conscience  and/or
b)their mid life crisis is more severe than others and they are on the far end of the blame spectrum with their spouse and old life.

He wasn't a vanisher from day one, either, though, so I've wondered if where they are in the tunnel also comes into play

But, those are just my totally non-scientific theories!  ;)
H - 52
M - 49
M - 1988
S21, D21, S16
BD#1: 07-2015, H left in 08-15 and returned 09-15
BD#2: 12-2015, left 12/28, living with OW (32) since

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance, perserverance, character, and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2016, 07:52:33 PM »
Mine is a vanisher.  Was from the start.  Walked out at BD (January 1) and never returned to the house while I was here.  Came while I was at work and removed some personal items and clothing but left all the rest of his things.  They're still here.   

He moved in with his mother and step-father two miles down the road from our house.  The OW moved in shortly after.  Last contact in person was early March.  Two or three text messages since then regarding his possessions, which are still here with me. 

The D he pushed for was final on July 26th.  I changed the locks, deadbolts, and garage code. 

Choice A from Southern Belle's comments is where I think my exH's head is at right now. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2016, 08:34:00 PM »
My husband and father of our four children dropped the bomb in Dec 2014.  Left the family home JAN 2015 to live with OW 15 years his junior and her 2 children.  He was cycling up until June 2015 and them vooosh vanished from our lives.  Such a transition from the man we once knew.

I only hear from him from lawyers or child support.  The man I knew like the back of my hand has vanished into oblivion.  He has no contact with his children, it just breaks my heart.  The lies that he has told family and friends is gut wrenching. 

How does this happen?
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2016, 10:53:29 PM »
Mine was an at home wallower for a year and a half. Then moved out, tried to keep coming by and taking this and that, but I changed the locks. He is now mostly a vanisher, although he does keep contact with our kids, but that is because they are 17 and 20, the age he seems to be stuck in. I am so sorry yours just vanished altogether. I am happier with mine gone, but it's only because now I have the space to heal properly. The man I loved is gone. I don't know who my H is now, but the one time I have seen him in the past month and a half, he should have been happy. He got everything he wanted. He isn't happy, BTW. He just looked sad.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline POOWOO

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2016, 02:26:15 AM »
Yep mine has vanished moved in with ow day of bomb drop I had no idea.apart from 1 meeting day after BD have had no contact at all has just vanished and getting on with his life this all happened Aug 2015 hurts that after 20 years he can just turn his back and not care.
Married 11 July 2005
been together 18 years
BD 3 august 2015
moved out to live with OW 3 august 2015
No children
H has vanished no contact
living in home he is paying half At the moment

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2016, 03:56:22 AM »
I think I might have one of the "black belts" vanisher! This month it's 24 months since I heard or saw him (october 2014). No settlement just divorced. Together since 1983, M since 1987. It's strange but it's not "killing" me, also why would I want someone in my life who lies, abuse etc etc. That is not a healthy/mature person!

Don't know if last years (also october) when he applied for a credit card for me (thank you very much mister I'm-above-the-law-bat-sh*t-crazy-mlc-Xhusband) or this year, I'm going to dump mums car at the dumpster. This was said to S26, still living in our house. Since feb 2015, I can't drive my car bc Xh never sent or contacted me when the car was up for the legal once a year inspection. Once again, thank you very much mister I'm-above-the-law-bat-sh*t-crazy-mlc-Xhusband. Don't know if these 2 "situation" is his way of wanting a reaction from me, 2015 got him a police record, now I'm contacting the attorney. Youngest sons reply when I told him I will get a lawyer handling this now; Good at least one of you are behaving like an adult!  :)

Anyway, my father vanished for 5 years or so, when my mother had her mlc back in 1980. He went into the tunnel and never came out. 

Resons;
a)their shame and guilt is so great and they are trying to completely bury that in their conscience  and/or
b)their mid life crisis is more severe than others and they are on the far end of the blame spectrum with their spouse and old life.
c) Passi is one scary b*tch to be messing with

I vote for all of the above!  8)







Offline Treasure

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2016, 05:18:17 AM »
Attaching x

Offline Braveheart

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2016, 06:09:40 AM »
Short answer, they're avoidant borderlines, mentally ill and something triggers them over the edge...Extreme types are the ones one reads about from time to time that go to the store for a quart of milk and never come home...20 years later they turn up on the news for some reason and are identified, often with an entirely new family that know nothing about their past...

Offline Southern Belle

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2016, 07:26:33 AM »
Rossbren and Offroad, so your MLCers' timelines also sounds like it's where they are in the tunnel...once they moved further along, they moved further out as far as avoidance.   Very similar to mine. 

Passi, mine has also done some passive aggressive moves that I believe were trying to provoke a "see it's her that's crazy " reactions from me... nope, not gonna happen.  If it's bad enough, I'll let my attorney react for me.

Poowoo, I'm so sorry!  I know it hurts - we were married 27 years at BD...it's the "how could you" and "why"  that can drive you crazy.   

StillBaffled, yep my H left everything but his truck and some of his clothes.  Talk about avoidant!  LOL

Braveheart,  I've often wondered if my H is a borderline (never an official diagnosis, but the symptoms are there)
H - 52
M - 49
M - 1988
S21, D21, S16
BD#1: 07-2015, H left in 08-15 and returned 09-15
BD#2: 12-2015, left 12/28, living with OW (32) since

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance, perserverance, character, and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2016, 07:50:15 AM »
Added the links into the first post of this thread

Rossbren if you want to start your own story thread - please do that.
Sorry if we changed this into a continuation of what went before.

Offline living with Hope

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2016, 08:28:27 AM »
Mine was a clinger.  Then he vanished for 8 months only to reappear.  Now he has vanished again since July.  He is only in contact with the one child.  Every month, he might send a text or two the youngest.  First text to daughter was sent in a group text for Thanksgiving. It had been since May that he last contacted her.

Mine has been diagnosed with Borderline personality and avoidant personality along with a host of other disorders.  That really makes you wonder after reading your posting Braveheart.  Maybe there is more to this...
Mentor - Phoenix

Offline Braveheart

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2016, 08:47:56 AM »
Mine was conflict avoidant, something I never really realized until after the fact, it appears peri menopause tipped her over the edge. I've not had more than five seconds of conversation with her since she left my 12 year old son and I in July 2011. She does see the kids ( now 19 and 24) a couple of times a month, she moved in with the OM 120 miles away about a year out from BD after trying to hide his existance.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Vanishers
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2016, 09:47:39 AM »
Mine was a clinger but vanished year two after filing for D. Saw him once in four years at our hearing about 9 months after that, we spoke and he checked the rope to make sure he still had an out if he  moved back to our state. Silence for over two more years. We've been back in somewhat regular contact that comes in waves for the last year. I was better off when he was gone because I find it irritates me now.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2016, 05:51:34 PM »
Rossbren, I sligtly changed the thread title and linked to a previous thread on Vanishers.

Mine was a clinger, but my coming back home and cut contact with him turned him into a vanisher. I saw Mr J 3 times since I left (May 200/, August 2007 (he come here because he wanted me to burn him a CD with data from the computer; the next week he was on holidays abroad with OW1. As if he couldn't had send and e-mail and asked me to send him the CD or upload the data), May 2008 (briefly on a social ocassion here in town), October 2014 (when I requested my temporary alimony).

August 2007 he stayed here some 45 minutes, we talked to each other and we greet and said goodbye with a cheek kiss. May 2008 we said "hi" and cheek kissed. October 2014 we said nothing, I greet him with a little head nod. We stayed for a while on our own on the court waiting room, seated side by side, reading.

He send me an e-mail early this year wanting to exchange stuff. I already had plans, so we did not meet. In the end, it turned out he wanted a family ring of his that has never been with me.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Kat0465

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2016, 06:30:42 PM »
Mine was a clinger even after he left in Dec, 2013.he would come by a couple times a week.and stay for a few hours... That Gave me some hope it was fixable.... Over a year and a half, the visits became less and less.... Now I go months and months without seeing him.. My clinger weaned himself off. And is living 10mins down the road. Still no divorce, all of his stuff still here.....  :-[ I love my husband, but I don't know who the hell the guy was that walked out 3 years ago..... I wish I understood how they can go from a clinger to vanisher.in guessing it's where they are at on the journey thru crazy town. Ughhhhh

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2016, 02:24:45 AM »
Has there been vanishers who return to their families - broken or otherwise?  The grief is unbearable for us all!  How can someone we know so well
Change practically overnight?
« Last Edit: October 17, 2016, 03:49:11 AM by Rossbren »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Kat0465

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2016, 05:42:09 AM »
If I remember correctly, the ones that are vanishers from the start, tend to stay gone...... After all I've read and experienced my self, I think the odds are not in any particular favor tho  :/ and most if they come back, come back still broken.....so years and years of rebuilding...   :-\

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2017, 03:13:59 PM »
Thought I would add our recent experience with Vanishing Man. 

BD summer 2012, H met and married OW early 2013.  Moved to her country. Never hear a word, no financial support, nothing.  We are at a place where I am glad he is far away and keeps away.  Relatively happy now and much happier without him and his drama.  Two kids who were young at BD and saw it all for themselves which also helps in a way, as awful as that is/was.  H got up one day, announced he was leaving, emptied the bank account and left.  We had no idea, not a clue.  He proceeded to say it was mutual and got everyone on his side with his lies.  Okay for us though as his family have never cared about us or been involved.  They would believe him.

S15 announced out of the blue he had tried to contact his father because he wanted to tell him who he is these days and how he has grown up, and what he likes, etc.  How sad is that to start with, he craved telling his father about the person he has become...because his father never asks and doesn't care. 

When S told me I was sick to my stomach for many reasons, particularly stirring up the wasps nest after H was so cruel.  That being said I knew it came from S and needed to stand back.  Before the call I said to S not to speak about me or his sister or our lives here.  I know H would take that info and use it to his advantage, plus we don't care to share any of it.  Not an option anymore.  S was ok with that and did as I asked.

The conversation happened.  I heard most of it.  It was a joke yet very very sad.  Nearer the end I just went and did my thing and didn't even stay close to hear what was said as it was so lame.

H started the conversation talking about some random healthcare cost :o ::) related to a medical procedure he was getting and went on and on about himself.  This was one of the first conversations in almost five years with a son he abandoned and that's all he had to say?????

He was such a manipulator.  No clue about S yet would turn the conversation into one where he sounded like he knew S.  Of course S was just rambling on and not even really listening.  He didn't care, he just wanted to be talking to his dad.  I think H spoke as if S was still in early grade school.  Had no clue.  Tough for me to hear S filling in all the news though and helping H learn more about him...H didn't deserve that.  The call was for S though not H.

Absolutely no remorse for what he did, no sorry, no nothing.  All about him and he had the nerve to keep bringing up his wife as "step-mom" to S.  So cruel yet you can tell he just doesn't get it.  It is as if nothing happened and was the most natural thing in the world to do.

He is obviously all set now and sounds great and all happy.  Has a good job.  Asked S if he wanted to go live with him.... :o :o :o....I wanted to punch him.  After all the pain and strides we made to heal, there he goes trying to ask S if he wants to go live with him.  How awful for S. 

I let the call run its course and then called after a while to wrap it up.  To contact his father, S went through his father's brother...who made a comment about S finally "coming around", which is what H said when he left re the kids not wanting to speak with him.  Ugh, another one who believed the b.s.

He was particularly cruel to these kids, and to all of us.  Life for him is good and he and OW sit waiting for the day when we sell our house and they get the cash.  Always been about that.  Not happening anytime soon, and payday won't be so great when you have avoided child and spousal for years.

The call had to happen.  S has been in trouble lately and going through a particularly rough spot so I asked that we stop it for now.  Doesn't mean forever, just for now.

The whole conversation was based on H.  He didn't care about S one bit.  He would walk away bragging how he spoke with is son, probably saying he made the call, etc... 

Five years in he hasn't changed one bit.  I had all these visions of him being remorseful and sounded sad, but no, nothing.  Just as arrogant and uncaring as when he left.

D18 was disgusted with her brother but I told her to say nothing, he had to do it for himself.  Not a fan of what he did but I've always tried to be fair and never turned the kids against their dad even though I had more than enough reason to.  Their father is simply that, their father, he isn't a dad.

I feel sad for my son, but his father being an a$$ probably also helps his healing as he knows now that he is still the same.  Then again it is out of his system.  S had a rough few weeks and it all came to a crashing halt, needed to happen.  Almost like a cleansing as he is back to being calm and more balanced.  Good in a way.

His father is something else.  I should probably call and thank him as I heard who he is working for....perfect for garnishing wages.

I have no desire to ever see or speak with H ever again.  I'm done.  He sent us the depths of despair and we slowly climbed up and out of that spot.  I don't ever want to spend an ounce of my future listening to anything he has to say or helping him recover from what he did.  I used to feel how you never know what the future might bring regarding him, but I know I am worth more than that.  I wouldn't go back with him if he crawled home begging.  Very sad but true.  Five years is a long time and a lot of pain and healing has gone on. 

I think the kids and I are the ones who are healthier and much happier.  I'm not sure about him at all, but I feel he is a true narcissist, out for himself at all times.  Still the same.  He's got something going on for sure and I'm glad he is far away.

I did feel the pain when he met and married OW, soulmates ::) according to him. I am always reminded that life can't be as we envision for them....but you wonder don't you.  I am always glad to read reminders in posts about how life must be, then I get back to living my own reality, don't have any energy for his.

Hugs to you all on your journeys, bottom line is to live our lives.  I am a true believer in living like they are never coming home.  Such a huge help and when you believe that, it helps you so much.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline OffRoad

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2017, 03:37:41 PM »
Thank you, Snowdrop. It's  good to hear from you. I'm  sorry your S had to go through that, though I know it was most likely best for your S. Sometimes we have to give something that one last try to know "Nope, I tried my best. Not going to work, not my fault." And then we can move on. I hope it is so for your S. He deserves a great life.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2017, 04:17:00 PM »
Thank you OffRoad.

Agreed.  I think the years of not knowing and wondering for S must have been awful.  He has no other males around either so probably just craving some guy time.  His friends all have their dads around, even if the parents are divorced. 

Timing was good in a way as he got to have the conversation and I let it go on for an hour before I stepped in and suggested it came to an end. 

Due to S being in trouble and getting out of hand and trying a new medication, I told him that I'm glad he got to speak with his father but now is not a good time to have him in the mix.  We need to get S to a calm place with little external drama so we can evaluate his medication.  S understands and was happy to delete the connection with his father.  I said it doesn't mean forever, it is just a bad time right now.  S was okay with that. 

We have had such a rough few weeks...so much for a fresh new year....and it seems to be the same for many people I know, just a lot of bad luck and stuff they would rather not have to deal with.  We definitely needed peace as it hasn't happened around here in a while, so to hear S announce his plan to speak with H "in an hour or less", threw me :o :o :o.

In another way, the not knowing has ended, the wondering and fear of any conversation, and also the hoping there was remorse.  It is amazing what the mind can do and the pictures we create.  H pretty much seems like he just left for a better life and got one.  Still with OW and happy by the sounds of things.  There goes that mind stuff again.  For sure I will always have a bond with H and genuinely feel he is still connected with me too.  We were together for over 20 years.  There will always be that little sting that he is no longer "my guy", but the reality is "my guy" has gone.  Sad but how it is, and I'm okay with it.

I am very independent by nature and both kids are too.  I don't foresee meeting anyone in the future, and definitely don't need anyone to make me feel valued.  I'm okay with being alone and quite enjoy it.  Who knows what the future brings, but I'm fine either way.  I'm content and only get upset when H does anything, and I think that is just a normal response after what he did in the past and is capable of.  Cruel, cruel man.  MLC or not, doesn't matter, his actions still cause the same pain.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2017, 04:19:38 PM »
My heart bleeds for you and your family Snowdrop 😘.  You all deserve so much better.  I offen wonder (and live in hope) if vanishers will ever fall down in a heap and reality sets in?  For them to finally see the path of destruction that they alone have caused and somehow make an attempt at repairing the damage.  Surely they can't keep running away forever?

My Vanisher is still running after 2 years. He makes out to family and friends that he is blissfully happy with the manipulating younger OW living the life!  Unfortunately a good friend of his has recently told me that he is not in a good place mentally. Informed me that H went to the gym for 4 hours on Christmas Day - I ask why would you do this if you are living with the woman of your dreams? He works out of town during the week and is only home on weekends. Sounds odd to me.

I live in hope daily, am I silly?  Am I a desperate woman who fears growing old lonely? Are my gut instincts betraying me?  I don't know anymore.  I struggle constantly.

He very rarely contacts our 4 children - they may receive a repetitive text every 6-8 weeks.  H never asks how they are in the message.  The children who he once idolised and who he would sacrifice everything for now mean nothing. Our daughter suffers from anxiety and depression (due to the destruction he has caused) and has not been to school for 14 months.  She is on anti-depressants>. Sadly H shows no concern for his princess?  I am still totally confused.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2017, 04:30:54 PM by Rossbren »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline OffRoad

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2017, 04:40:18 PM »
I don't believe these MLCERS are happy. I believe they are so wrapped up in themselves that they took a person who would either do  the things that require effort for them, or one who would accept anything as better than nothing and therefore think the MLCER is wonderful. What screwed up person wouldn't think they were "happy" in the absence of any true responsibiluty? Any type of addict would. But the main point is that when they are in this condition, they are of no use to us. The best we can do for ourselves and our children is to set an examples and live our lives as we see fit, by our own moral codes, and stand proud that no matter what happens, we did everything in our power to live up to our marriage vows, however it all shakes out in the wash.

I find I like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I like it that way.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2017, 04:52:30 PM »
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I often wonder (and live in hope) if vanishers will ever fall down in a heap and reality sets in.  For them to finally see the path of destruction that they alone have caused and somehow make an attempt at repairing the damage. 
Me too, it does make you wonder although nothing surprises me anymore.  Sad to see your child in pain and going without the care of a parent due to that parent's choice of putting themselves first. 

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Unfortunately a good friend of his has recently told me that he is not in a good place mentally.
One of the first things I thought of when I heard H speak was this guy is mentally ill.  The absolute garbage out of his mouth made no sense. 

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He does not contact his children. The children who he once idolised and would give his shirt of his back for. Our daughter suffers from anxiety and depression (due to the destruction he has caused) and has not been to school for 14 months.  She is on anti-depressants>. Sadly H shows no concern for his princess?  I am still totally confused.
That was H too, they had such a strong bond ever since she was born.  He would go to extremes when he was away working just so he could get home to be with the kids and I, even for one day then go back.  I used to tell him to stay there and rest but no, he would come home just to be with us, knowing he had a drive of 12-15 hours or more to go back.  Doesn't make sense.

Our D had such a bond with her dad, they went on dates right from when she was a baby, just the two of them.  She refuses to have anything to do with him, he doesn't exist in her world.  Luckily she is able to see him for what he is, still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but she sees what a jerk he is and a terrible human being.

Of course living where he does, thousands of miles away, he was able to start a new life based on his lies and there has never been anyone to question him.  His family was never involved with us but I think they were once he left, so there again they would have believed his cr@p.

Best thing is to use your energy for you and your children.  It will work out as it will and is out of your control either way.

As for going to the gym for 4 hours on Christmas Day?  Sounds like an escape.  Rest of us are happy to be home relaxing.

Pure craziness is what it is, but the confusing part is they carry on like nothing happened which adds to our own craziness when we know different.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #24 on: February 11, 2017, 04:56:39 PM »
Quote
I don't believe these MLCERS are happy. I believe they are so wrapped up in themselves that they took a person who would either do  the things that require effort for them, or one who would accept anything as better than nothing and therefore think the MLCER is wonderful. What screwed up person wouldn't think they were "happy" in the absence of any true responsibiluty? Any type of addict would. But the main point is that when they are in this condition, they are of no use to us. The best we can do for ourselves and our children is to set an examples and live our lives as we see fit, by our own moral codes, and stand proud that no matter what happens, we did everything in our power to live up to our marriage vows, however it all shakes out in the wash.

I find I like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I like it that way.
I still wish there was an applause icon.  Well said.  Yay us!!!!  Never mess with an LBS!!!
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2017, 05:03:36 PM »
So true Snowdrop.  It would appear that there are not too many Herospouse members who have Vanishers.  Even on the web.  I crave for information and outcomes. 

It is gut wrenching to think that the man I have known so well for 28 years is no longer.  We built a house, had 4 beautiful children, lived and smashed our personal goals, life was great.  Then he started to knock around with younger male work mates.  Losing weight, dying his hair, going to the gym.  Being obsessed with supplements and steroids.  Looking back he put his family second for 12-18 months prior to BD but I did not pick up on this.  I will never understand his madness.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2017, 05:43:48 PM »
Rossbren.  At first I think I was envious of those with other types ie clinger as they got to see their spouses.  Then I realized what a gift it is to have a Vanisher and not be witness to the chaos, and as well have the relative calm in which to heal.  That being said I was desperate to have any contact or crumb of hope, giving him so much undeserved power.

As we were left with zero for finances I went back to school for a few months to help with my job search as I'd been home for years with the kids and his was the only income.  Life got busy and before long I realized I thought of him less and the need for crumbs didn't exist.  That was my detachment.  The more I did for me and focused on our future, the easier it became to detach and move forward.  Not sure I could have done that as well if he'd been close by.

I will always have a love for him, but I sure as heck don't like him.

As bad as it is having a Vanisher, there are benefits too.

As for H, all I really hope for before he dies, and I'm under no illusion that it will ever happen, is that he realizes what he did to his children, and the pain he caused them.  One of the biggest problems I have is how the children's pain isn't acknowledged - this goes for all children not just mine, no matter how old they are. 
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #27 on: February 15, 2017, 01:04:21 AM »
Snowdrop - isn't that apart of the journey where they discover and become responsible for all the hurt and destruction...or....am i misunderstanding the process?  Who knows where I will be, but for my kids, I can only wish that he sees and repairs the damage one day.  Surely they cant keep digging the hole deeper and deeper....something needs to give sooner or later?
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2017, 01:57:00 AM »
Quote
Snowdrop - isn't that apart of the journey where they discover and become responsible for all the hurt and destruction...or....am i misunderstanding the process?  Who knows where I will be, but for my kids, I can only wish that he sees and repairs the damage one day.  Surely they cant keep digging the hole deeper and deeper....something needs to give sooner or later?
I'm not sure at all.  Our children do deserve some acknowledgement but we sure can't sit around waiting as it might never happen.  My kids rarely mention him anymore and if anything, give the  ::) when his name comes up.  He has been gone for a good part of their lives and so much has happened since.  I am so proud of them and how they have put one foot in front of the other and lived through their pain.  Who knows what long-term damage is done, but they've had one strong parent standing alongside them, which I think helps.

H doesn't seem any different to how he was at BD.  Who knows?  I'm not really interested anymore.  All I do know is that he is gone and we have to do our best with what we have.  We go without many things but we have each other.  Both kids are teens now which adds to our struggles, but much easier to deal with two teens, than two teens and H.  He was much more work.

Although I'm pretty sure H is in MLC, I wonder if he is just a narcissist who uprooted once he wasn't front and centre anymore after the birth of our children, and ran away to start a new life miles away where he can say whatever about his past as there is no-one to prove he is lying.  Just pretend it didn't happen and it will all go away.

Oh well, let him get on with it.  I have no energy to deal with him or even wonder what he is up to.  Life seems good for him.  I have to focus on going to work almost every day just to keep our heads above water.  Don't think that's how it is for him, but I can't even think about that.  We are much further ahead than we were at BD and very thankful. 
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline maomina

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #29 on: April 26, 2017, 09:52:01 AM »
Mine was a clinger for the first 2 years ...after the accusations for no child support came out he has become a vanisher but in part it s my fault for i requested nc since i could not stand insensitive  monster anymore . Sometime I too think that he s a narc ....who knows ????
Put a knife  through your heart and twist it and hundred times, does it hurt, this what my kids feel. Put a second knife through your heart and twist them both a hundred times and this is what I feel for I carry the pain of my children in my heart as well as mine!!!

Offline BrenMTopic starter

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #30 on: April 26, 2017, 05:27:45 PM »


 He has been gone for a good part of their lives and so much has happened since.  I am so proud of them and how they have put one foot in front of the other and lived through their pain.  Who knows what long-term damage is done, but they've had one strong parent standing alongside them, which I think helps.

 

The sad part of all of this Vanishing rubbish is that they are missing out on so much of their children's lives.  Milestones and special events that will never be repeated.  I often think do they actually realize This? Or are they that far in the tunnel they cannot see logic?

The long term impact on our children scares the heck out of me.  I would hate for our children to repeat their fathers actions when they are in relationships, due to their crazy childhood.  Irrepective how much the supporting parent tries the emotional impact of abandonment lasts forever.



Oh well, let him get on with it.  I have no energy to deal with him or even wonder what he is up to.  Life seems good for him.  I have to focus on going to work almost every day just to keep our heads above water.  Don't think that's how it is for him, but I can't even think about that.  We are much further ahead than we were at BD and very thankful. 

Definitely depleted of energy.  It is a long road to recovery ❤️❤️❤️
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new


Offline MsMedfly

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Re: VANISHER 3
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2017, 06:48:51 PM »
I can't quote on my iPad.. I'm special like that!! 😜

My son and I have relived puffy's childhood and his parents divorce, which was also a carbon copy of his grandparents... To see the 3rd generation devastation is sad... And with time and help, s and I are finally living life free of the abuse...

I'm grateful for my vanisher. He's left me nothing but peace but yet, that's all I really wanted and needed.

I don't wonder, neither does s. It's not healthy to think what could've been, living in the now is so much more important. We've both learned to embrace it.

Hugs!!!

 

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