Author Topic: My Story Removing the Crepe  (Read 5730 times)

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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My Story Removing the Crepe
« on: October 17, 2016, 11:26:01 PM »
A letter came to H under my name at my address the other day (weird.) I texted him to let him know.

He answered, "Thanks for letting me know.I will check it out when I come back. We are in Kauai. We just got off a water tour."

Me: Wow!

H: Yes, for 8 days! I saved up my bonus. It is very pretty here. The water is so clear!!

H sounded just like a little boy reporting to his mom about summer camp. He even saved up his own allowance to go. He was too excited for me to be angry for long.

Wow! Is right...too weird.



previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6919.0
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:29:10 PM by Anjae »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline Shocked

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2016, 09:49:39 AM »
Wow!!! That is so awful!!!! It is exactly has you observed his being a boy and not a man!!!! The man is who you grieve. Where did he go? Maybe that was him just pretending. I am so sorry that stings!!!
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:30:47 PM by Anjae »
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Musica

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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2016, 10:29:10 AM »
Ouch ... I think for me, the worst thing would be the 'we'  ... he could have said I am in  .... wherever.

So sorry tho, you are too kind!
Take care, and big hugs xxx
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:29:46 PM by Anjae »

Offline LearningIamOk

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2016, 03:19:14 PM »
Sorry you had to hear about his adventure. I am certain it must have stung.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:31:01 PM by Anjae »
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2016, 04:02:53 PM »
Thanks for your empathy Shocked, Musica, and Learning. Yes, it stung. It should have been me. Btu didn't sting for long.

Truthfully, I do not think he was boasting to make me feel bad. He was too excited not to tell me because I am the person in his life who has always cared. Not many other people cared (care) about him the way I did. Who else would have wanted to know if he were sick or how his day went at work or what he had for lunch or... all about his exciting vacation.

What is sad, is that he doesn't see the irony of this.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:31:15 PM by Anjae »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2016, 04:22:43 PM »
I agree that it doesn't seem like it was a vicious revelation on his part, but it was a thoughtless one. What a fool for walking away from you if you are really his only true friend.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:31:27 PM by Anjae »
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Offline xyzcf

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« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2016, 04:43:13 PM »
Although it doesn't seem to be possible, sometimes it is better when I do not know anything about his life.

It still hurts, probably always will but at least the sting is not so sharp nor does it remain so long.

I did find each time he did something that was upsetting, I let go a bit more.

Sending you a ((((HUG)))))
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:31:41 PM by Anjae »
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Offline Anjae

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« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2016, 04:55:09 PM »
We... phew... It really does not seem to have been in ill intent, but it was thoughless. What am I saying, since when MLCer are considerated and think that they may be upsetting/hurting their LBS.

Little excited boy on holidays, he was.

A started a new thread from your today's post. The title can be changed if you want.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:31:58 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Butterfly777

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2016, 06:04:57 PM »
Hi THK!!

 I find this interesting because I have often referred to my H treating me as if I was his mother since BD.  I thought it was because one of the triggers of his MLC was his mother's passing , but I guess it's common. I'm sorry you got stung ! Sending hugs
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:32:12 PM by Anjae »

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2016, 07:26:18 PM »
Thanks all for your encouragement!! You are the best!!
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:32:24 PM by Anjae »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2016, 09:50:02 PM »
Yep it stinks, or stings [typo?].  Can you imagine if your roles were reversed?  No of course you can't. :P

Offline 31andcounting

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« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2016, 07:07:00 AM »
never ceases to amaze me...uggh!
(hugs)31
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:33:14 PM by Anjae »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Finding Hope

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« Reply #12 on: October 19, 2016, 08:10:12 AM »
They surely can be thoughtless. I don't think there was any ill intent. Great that the sting doesn't last long, means your healing.

FH
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:33:50 PM by Anjae »
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Offline 31andcounting

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« Reply #13 on: October 19, 2016, 10:55:23 AM »
Yes, your post shows your strength!!
(hugs)
31
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:32:47 PM by Anjae »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2016, 08:13:22 PM »
No CJ, I have tried to be a bit more tactful than to talk about my trips with BF. Although, I must say that there have been many places I have gone that I have thought of H. I see so many things that make me think of him. A few weeks ago,BF and I were at a museum exhibit of a period of history that fascinated H. BF took pics for me to send H.

FH and 31, I don't feel "strong" or 'healed" exactly, but I do feel resigned. This is my life now. H is no longer a central part of it (and btw, neither is son at this point) It is sad, and sometimes I still feel sad. But, I also know that at 57, I want to live out the rest of my life fully. I certainly hadn't planned on that involving another man. I didn't look for that...but then again, maybe it isn't all about me and what I want. Maybe God has other plans.

I feel very fortunate that I still have my home (and am crossing my fingers I can afford to keep it after the first of the year.) I have a job I still enjoy (most of the time) and a big-hearted man who wants to share his time with me. I also have my health...and my books...my sister and my connection to spirit!

I am ready to take off the crepe!

Hey Anjae, that is the new title of my thread "Removing The Crepe!" I don't know how, can you change it for me?
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:33:24 PM by Anjae »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Removing the Crepe
« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2016, 10:46:55 AM »
BF called right after I had posted last night. I have told him about the site and what it is about. I shared with him last night that there have been some of us who have been posting for more than 5 years....and some re-connections.

He said, "Honey, are you one of the women who are still standing?"

Whoa...good question. I have not been able to make myself click the "done" status on HS. I do not think I will never be "done" with H. But, if H came back asking for us to give it another try, I think I would have to say 'no.'

I will never love another human being the way I loved H. We had a very special connection. But for whatever reason, and only God knows that reason, that connection in the form of marriage and life long partnership, was closed. I do not think that even if he came back into my life and asked for us to try another time, that connection would be available to us again. To use a parallel from the creation story, "our eyes have been opened" and the path back to innocence is gone.

I miss H's charm. I miss his humor. I miss his ridiculous generosity. I miss being completely in sync with another human being. e always knew my heart...he just always knew. Our relationship was very intuitive. And, he will always be part of me, always. But our relationship as a couple is no longer an option for me. God, has put other ways of being in my path to be explored. I feel I am being shown new ways to relate to myself other than part of the family I so adored (and held onto with an iron fist) I am being shown new ways to love, and how to make room in my heart for a man who is unlike H in so many ways! (But is adorable in his own humaness.)

This is not the path I would have chosen in a million years. But it is the one I am one and I continue to ask God everyday to direct me with an open heart. My heart will always be open to H, no matter what, but not my life.





« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 02:33:40 PM by Anjae »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2016, 10:02:41 PM »
Wow thk.  Not wow that you've made a decision but it's just kind of evolved and then here you are.  I'm typing on my tablet so sorry but I can't m ake  sense.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #17 on: October 21, 2016, 03:48:30 PM »
THK, that was a heck of a post. Self reflective and then determined to move forward. I feel the same as you do about a reconciliation. That door is shut, but I would like xH to get to a point that he would be able to carry on a meaningful conversation with me. That would be huge.
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Offline Butterfly777

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #18 on: October 21, 2016, 07:26:26 PM »
Hi THK!

 Wow! That really touched me !

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2016, 08:17:37 PM »
thk, can you give us an update please.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2017, 09:36:24 PM »
Hi Learning, thanks for stopping by.

Well, there is definitely life after MLC and I am living it. It's been an interesting 4 mos (since I last posted.) Things are much better with my S. His car fell apart in December and H and I worked together very collaboratively to help him out. My H really came through. He ended up paying the expensive repair work on the car. I offered to help, but he said "You have enough on your plate. I've got it." My son was worried his Dad wasn't going to be there for him, and I was able to honestly say, "Hey, I think you dad is working his way out of MLC. He cares about you and he's got your back." Since then, S27 has been much more approachable. Even calling me on phone and coming by weekly. Go figure?

BF and S also bonded over the car situation as BF took him car shopping and helped him to understand financing, etc. S told me the other day that he "really likes my BF. "Six years ago I could have never imagined a scene in which I would happy to hear my S say he liked a BF of mine. That thought would have torn me apart, made me feel sick to the core!! It is so far from the life I had imagined, so far from what I wanted for my family, for my son...all of us. But it was delightful to hear.

And, you know what? It is my life now and it is good. A whole different kind of family is forming for me. Not the storybook kind that H and I worked so hard to create, but one that includes a lot of warmth, and respect. Patchwork for sure, but humble from knowing that life does not always work out as planned and a willingness to work with the good that is there, is a viable choice.

 I am still not divorced, but I imagine that is not too far off. My H has been with the same woman for several years now. And, yes, for the most part, I can let that go too. It is not what I would have ever chosen, but I like my life as it is now, and my life is good. Very good.

I still think about my H all the time. We exchange texts...including one the other day in which I told him, "I will always care about and love you.". He replied with "Thank you, I appreciate knowing that." He has been a good resource in helping me lately with understanding what to do with my house during recent rains as it can flood.

But, my BF is my comfort and companion now. He is the one I turn to for love. He does not take the place of H, he has his own unique place in my heart that continues to grow as we grow in intimacy. I am happy.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2017, 10:55:34 AM »
Thanks for the update, THK!  It's nice to know that you are in a good place and that your H and you can work together. Sadly, I don't think that my xH is capable of that. He is also with the same woman. I think xH would have a coronary if I told him I still loved and cared about him. Can't have that, since I got lifetime alimony. ;D

Yes, life is not how we envisioned it, but it can be, and is, still good. I am blessed that my BF is adored by my kids. They despise xH's OW.

I am also delighted that your S27 is more approachable. Let the healing begin.
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Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2017, 09:26:54 PM »
Good to hear from you thk.  You do sound 'lighter'. :)

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2017, 01:01:05 PM »
I think the hardest thing in all of this MLC mess has been the letting go of making any sense of any of it.

This has been most difficult to do for so many reasons. For one, I think I have somewhat of a logical mind, and when I know that a+b=c, seeing something to the contrary, keeps my brain running. Like a computer caught in a continual loop, it keeps spinning to find the answer. There are no answers.

Secondly, I usually intuit and feel my way through many situations. My intuition rarely fails me. But, it did in this situation. I had a good marriage...a beautiful relationship w H.  I knew in my heart that my marriage was suppose to last a lifetime. What happened did not match my heart or my head.

His mixed messages certainly did not help with any of this. My brain said, "but he is still buying me gifts." My heart said, "I can still feel that he still loves me." And, I think I was right on both accounts. But what I couldn't see is that this did not mean that things would ever return to a relationship that would work for me. It was like I had the butter and the flour for a recipe and I was saying, "but these are the things that I always put together to make the cake before...why is the cake failing?" The mixed messages kept the loop going.

Today, as crazy as it may sound, I have gratitude to my H for being cruel. If he had been anything less than plain old mean, I would have continued to keep trying to piece the formula together. I think it was probably his girlfriend that finally demanded that he quit sending out the confusing messages. I am thankful to her today too.

I do not think H was trying to be mean. A part of him wanted to make the formula work too. Not in the same way I did. He knew he wasn't capable of returning to our marriage. But, he does love me and he didn't want to lose his family, his community, etc. He wanted the comfort of "us' as much as I did. He was though, and still is, incapable of really working at the depths our healing would require.

I have finally come to accept this truth. But, I don't like it and nothing about it seems right, except that it happened. Because  it did, I believe, it somehow must be part of what I needed for growth in my own life. Not the path I would have planned. But today, I working with it...and I am enjoying my life.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2017, 03:26:50 PM »
Quote
His mixed messages certainly did not help with any of this. My brain said, "but he is still buying me gifts." My heart said, "I can still feel that he still loves me."

Ah yes, the mixed messages...in most other relationships, it is pretty clear when someone cares about you, wishes to be in your company and doesn't lead you on...right from BD when I was told "I need some space" to the present continuing clinging boomerang behavior that never ceases.

I will take responsibility for this for indeed I could also tell him to leave me alone and get myself off this hamster wheel. I would not take this "abuse' from any other person..so why do I take it from him?

Fortunately, I know some very wise LBSers who manage to walk me through this again and again...there is no use trying to understand his behavior, other than to know that I am not alone in experiencing his switch from hot to cold in an instant.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2017, 03:56:44 PM »
THK, nice to hear your update. I completely agree that under NORMAL circumstances, we would be able to make sense and come to a reasonable conclusion about an answer. This MLC has NO answer. We need to stop looking for one. I think they do nice things to make themselves feel better. They know what they did, and they know it wasn't right.

I don't think that any of us would have chosen or planned this. But we find that we can have a really nice life if we let ourselves.
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Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2017, 05:49:32 PM »
You've tried to reconcile it all with grace, thk. If everything happens for a reason, this did, too. There is growth to be had.

Cultivating closure has been an interesting experience. xH has taken up Buddhism again. Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor. ;) I had an interaction with him last week that continued to assume I would be more considerate of his circumstance than my own. The enlightenment he seeks is still self-centered. Having moved my focus on to other things, it affects me far less. A year and a half ago, that wasn't the case. I anticipate more momentum in this direction, and I'm glad for it. The world seems wide open.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2017, 07:06:23 PM »
Nice to hear from you my friends!!!

Xyzcf, I have great compassion for your hamster wheel. Why has any of us put up with the bull$h!te they send our way? Even after all of this time,  I think we still remain in some shock by their behavior. They are not the men we knew. It isn't the relationship we knew. It isn't the world we knew. This imbalance keeps our unsolvable loop going. But you will find your balance. You are strong and seek truth. You will get off the wheel when it is time.

Learning, I agree. I think there is a bad conscious factor in the "doing nice things". It keeps the "good guy" image going for them, so they do not have to look as closely at all the cracks. Yes, life can be really really good pbd.

Ready 2, sorry to hear that Hoss is still out riding the range. Sorry for him, anyway. His costume may have changed to monk robes now, but we know what is underneath (for all of them.) I agree the world is wide open and I am cannot wait to hear more about the path you take!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2017, 08:11:01 AM »
Hi thk,

I wrote a long post then realized it made no more sense than mlc. ;D   I think I've lost interest in mlc or my x. :o :)   Not really.   What it is: I have ocd--I'm totally into my garden [it's finally spring--we've been on 2 week break and it was still snowing the first week!]  So, can't think about anything but garden.

But I still read all your posts and I'm nodding my head.

Good to hear from you. 

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2017, 09:05:14 PM »
Are we two peas in a pod? My BF asked me last weekend, after helping me in garden for the third week in a row..."Do you think you will ever want go hiking or biking again?" I had to tell him honestly, "not until spring is over!"
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #30 on: March 30, 2017, 05:27:18 PM »
I love gardening also. The smell of the dirt. Putting in new plants. Fixing my pots. It's so therapeutic. It's still too cold where I am to even start anything.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2017, 09:25:06 PM »
I agree Learning. The smell of dirt, especially in the warm sunshine, is the best! So is watching seeds sprout and plants return. It just never grows old...always exciting! My mom always said our love of digging in the dirt comes from our Irish heritage. If that is the truth, thank God I am Irish!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2017, 07:10:30 PM »
LOL! I am also Irish. My family is from Clare. I am going to Ireland for the second time this May. I went for the first time 4 years ago on an LBS meetup. I am staying with my hostess again, and this time I am bringing my boyfriend. What a difference from 4 years ago. As FTT toasted recently, "From tears to cheers". 
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2017, 07:33:37 PM »
Learning, I am jealous!!!Not sure where my mother's family hails from as it was several generations ago, but they kept some of their Irish character. My mom never served a meal without a potato...she was a Riley.

Yes, I am in quite a different place than I was 4 years ago as well. Enjoy the Emerald Isle (and sharing your life with someone who love you in return!!!)
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #34 on: April 21, 2017, 03:54:45 PM »
Hi THK! Rileys come from Cavan, a province of Ulster. Maybe you can do some sleuthing.

It's just amazing the changes from when we started this Journey. I didn't like that it was thrust upon me, but it is the best thing that ever happened. I never would have given up on my M. I KEEP my promises. Now, I can see how one sided the M was and how I let myself become invisible and of no value because I valued everyone else above myself.

People treat you the way you allow them to, and my xH walked all over me.

I hope that you and your guy are growing in your relationship. I know it isn't where you expected to be, but sometimes things turn out to be happy accidents.

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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #35 on: April 29, 2017, 03:52:17 PM »
Yes, Learning, BF and I are growing together (and having fun.)

I sometimes look back at the evolution of all that has happened. At times, I have wondered if I knew six years ago, what I know now, if I would have chosen to stand? I beleive the answer is yes. I wouldn't change how I handled any of it .I believe HS was a help in allowing me to take the time I needed for this process to unfold.

I am so fond of you all.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2017, 07:39:31 AM »
I also would not change much of how I handled things, except I would have filed sooner knowing what I know now.

I am glad that you and your BF are having fun. It's nice to have company to share your life with.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #37 on: May 06, 2017, 11:20:27 PM »
Tonight is one of those nights that happen so much less frequently than they use to, and I am caught a bit off guard. It surprises me when grief creeps in now...I feel ambushed.

Tonight I am filled with longing and loneliness ....emptiness. Not for H, really, but for the closeness I use to share with my family. I miss my S27. I miss the closeness we use to share...a casualty of bomb drop.

I was at a wedding last weekend (always an interesting occasion these last 6 years.) This one in particular, as the bride was a kid who grew up in our neighborhood, the parents a couple H and I knew well, and the guests all people from our small town.

This weekend BF and I graduated from a class we took together to become certified naturalists. We have been hard at work in this class for the last two months and today was the end.Endings and beginnings are hard. I miss the comfort of my family....of surrounding myself with those who have known me for a long, long time.

BF is sitting in the other room right now. Giving me space to work through these difficult feelings. He understands. He knows that he cannot really help...that I just need to feel what I have to feel, and that I am happy he is in my life (even if there isn't much room to let him in tonight.) He knows I won't stay in this place forever...and so do I. But in the meantime, it is a lonely place to be.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #38 on: May 07, 2017, 06:48:18 PM »
THK, I am nearly 7 years into this and I have only started to not miss what was. We all heal in our own time and pace. It's good that your BF gets that you need some space. It's also good that you realize this won't last. Growth for sure.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #39 on: May 07, 2017, 11:39:18 PM »
Thanks for always chiming in, Learning. I appreciate it.

Growth, yes. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest when you we are in the trees, but yes, tremendous growth for so many of us!!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #40 on: May 08, 2017, 04:27:36 PM »
So how are you feeling today? I hope the pendulum is swinging back.
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Offline kikki

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2017, 04:38:20 PM »
Quote
Tonight I am filled with longing and loneliness ....emptiness. Not for H, really, but for the closeness I use to share with my family. I miss my S27. I miss the closeness we use to share...a casualty of bomb drop.

I have come to realise that I will likely go to my grave missing my family unit.  I doubt that will ever change.  Some days are harder than others, but I have come to accept it will always be a part of my life like a carefully wrapped stone in my pocket.

Hugs to you THK

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #42 on: May 08, 2017, 05:52:09 PM »
The present life does not replace the one that once was.

The loss of our family is a deep wound.

I think, that we can love others, but that will never negate the love we had for our husbands. That was real, and we perhaps took it for granted that it would always be like that...that we would grow old together...that the sound of his name would always make me smile.

Not so.

Acknowledging that this is so (and it may not be so for all people but it certainly is for many LBSers I know) is being honest with how we feel.

Your friend must be a heck of a wonderful man to allow you the space when you need it.....I pray your son will return to you and that you will share many happy times together.

Thanks for caring, thanks for being my friend and thanks most of all for understanding.
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Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #43 on: May 09, 2017, 06:23:26 AM »
What kikki said. 

I really do miss my family unit, even though my children and I are a very close and secure unit ourselves. 

and what xy said. 

Offline Musica

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #44 on: May 13, 2017, 02:16:10 AM »
Just wrote exactly this on Supermans thread ... I will always miss the United family ... There's a safety and security in it which I felt growing up that I know my daughters haven't experienced since they were 12 and that's so sad for them.

Glad you are able to express your feelings to your new man thk , and that he understands.

Hope you're feeling better xxxx

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #45 on: May 13, 2017, 05:44:23 PM »
Thank you Musica, Kikki, Learning, Trust and Love, and Xyzcf. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. It really helps. Some of you have been at this longer than I have. It feels important to know that I am not the only one who still feels these wounds after so many years.

I feel much better today. I knew the grief would pass, as I know it will raise its head again. Mother's Day is another reminder for all of us. The men who helped us become mothers (to our animal children too) abandoned their commitment. Decided they would no longer honor us as the mother of their children, thereby changing that day forever.

Luckily, H's behavior does not define my life. Thankfully, there is so much to live for! Gratefully, love is tremendously bigger than another person's actions.

We are all living proof of that!!!!!!!!!!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #46 on: May 14, 2017, 07:10:38 AM »
We can't let anyone's actions define us. There is no time frame to "just get over this". I think you are doing a great job dealing with this and moving ahead. It is surreal that as the mothers of their children, they still have no honor for us. No appreciation for how we have dealt with all the ups and downs with the kids.

I certainly am not going to let xH determine the quality of my Mother's Day. My D33 has put together a bowling party for me. It should be a lot of fun with her, her H, her MIL, SIL, my S31 and my boyfriend. I have my own bowling ball that I've had since high school. It's a little dusty, lol, but I hope not to embarrass myself too much.  ;D
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2017, 08:48:10 AM »
Learning, that sounds like so much fun. I am glad you are being honored! Think of your ex as you roll that ball down the lane...you will get a strike for sure!

My S did not contact me about today. I left him a voicemail letting him know how sad I felt about being left alone to figure out how to celebrate a day that honors me. He checked out of our relationship when his dad left and he is so involved with his substance and friends that there seems to be no room for me. Very sad!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #48 on: May 14, 2017, 09:27:25 AM »
Happy Mothers Day thk! 

Your son in his 'alternate' lifestyle or whatever it is they call it now, might just think this is a hallmark holiday and he'd be right.  It's only as important as you make it.  Your son's world was blown up much like yours was so...maybe he hasn't sorted it out yet?  I'm not excusing him [or the others of his generation]--selfish little brats.  Did we teach them how to treat us?  Nah, that must have been their fathers.

Take what we've learned from our 'lessons' and go get yourself some flowers or better chocolate!

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #49 on: May 15, 2017, 04:01:45 AM »
THK, I am sorry that your son didn't contact you. It's so hurtful, but this can change over time like everything else.

I had a great time bowling. I think I bowled the best I have ever bowled. I got 3 strikes in a row and several other strikes.  ;D I can't believe how expensive it was though. I remember paying per game and for the shoe rental. Now it was a flat $75 per lane for up to 6 bowlers.  :o :o :o

I hope you did something nice for yourself. We need to honor ourselves for all we have done. As Calamity said, they can be such selfish brats. And I do blame my xH for that. He should have shown them how to treat me. His example sucks tho'. :P
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2017, 02:57:50 PM »
Learning, I am glad you had a good time bowling. Embarrass yourself? You sound like a pro! Calamity, thanks for the reminder and for presenting the youthful perspective. Mother's Day is kind of a Hallmark holiday. But, guess what? My S, did end up coming over!!! He brought me a card and then took me out to the nursery and bought me some plants. We also went for a walk on the beach. We had a lovely time.

He said, "Honestly Mom, sometimes you don't give me a chance...you're so afraid of being abandoned."(I wonder where that came from?) Anyway, they can be brats. But S came through this time and it made my heart sing. Didn't hear a peep from H, he is in Hawaii and has been there for some time!

Thanks you guys, for being there to listen, understand, and comfort.Calamity, was it Mother's day in Canada? Did you hear from D?
« Last Edit: May 15, 2017, 02:59:37 PM by theheartknows »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2017, 05:23:56 PM »
thk, I am so happy that your S came thru for you. l hope you see that things will not always be as they are. They have the capability to change. Try to fret less about what was and focus on what will be.
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Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #52 on: May 16, 2017, 07:00:46 AM »
It's funny.  My other lbs friend here was feeling sorry for herself as no-one showed up for Mothers Day and then, at 6 pm, they did--with wine and pizza and cake. :)  And of course the hanging basket.

My d brought me beautiful peach-coloured begonias.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #53 on: May 17, 2017, 07:46:47 PM »
Cal, I love begonias. I've never seen peach colored ones. Glad that you and your friend were treated well.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #54 on: May 17, 2017, 08:31:33 PM »
Well, I guess the kids have their own time-table (ugh!) Begonias are beautiful, but out of the question here in dry southern California. I have never seen peach colored either. Hmm...gotta look it up!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #55 on: May 22, 2017, 11:36:38 AM »
Still healing after all these year ( to the tune of Paul Simon's "Still Crazy"))

I had a dream about H last night...prompted I think by dinner with S and his new girlfriend (imagine that?)....and realizing that "Mom and her boyfriend" is the new norm. I always thought H and I would be a united front with S. Just one more in a series of  emotional hurdles that has come with the destruction of my marriage.

 I woke up at 5:00 and BF held me while I cried. In the dream, H came back and wanted to work things out. I felt all the emotions of the dedication I had to our relationship. I felt the joy we shared and the pain. It was kind of like a relationship "life review." The dream did not make things easy.

In the dream, I saw BF standing close by, It was like the old game show "Let's Make a Deal" and I had to choose the man behind curtain 1 or curtain 2. I said to myself "BF is the better man. You would be crazy to choose otherwise." I told H "No."( I think he was relieved, really). But, I was very sad about my decision to finally let go of what had been and the possibility of what could be with that relationship. I think what was so hard was my own decision to choose other than the marriage I had been so invested in for so long....and to let go of the man I loved so deeply.
 
It is surprising that after all this time, I am still making that decision on deeper and deeper levels everyday.
But, it was the right decision in the dream and it is the right decision in life... and I know I will continually be led towards what is right for me.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2017, 11:42:09 AM by theheartknows »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #56 on: May 22, 2017, 11:42:07 AM »
Hugs!! Our brain is such a magical thing. Your subconscious giving you such a literal interpretation of what we all know is inevitable - in the end, it is OUR choice. It really is affirming that healing does happen. Like with a wound, sometimes the scab starts to itch before it becomes a scar, and that's uncomfortable. But eventually, even the scar starts to fade.
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Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #57 on: May 22, 2017, 11:49:32 AM »
I do not think we will ever completely be free of the "sadness" associated with the loss of our dreams, the loss of our loved one in such a brutal fashion.

I watched the season finale of Call the Midwife last night, remember it was you who got me started on it...3 of the main characters and another storyline had me in tears....each showing the love between spouses, the way they are there for one another and the complete family units..the way it is "supposed to be" in my heart....

It bothers me that a TV series can cause me such emotional pain...but nothing has been "right" about my family for a very long time and nothing I do changes that..even my relationship with my daughter....compounded with the extreme loneliness makes for some wet tissue nights still.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2017, 11:52:35 AM »
Ready 2, you are so right!!!!! Even though it seems so to the contrary, it really has been our choice, all along. At some point life asks us to embrace the fullness of what is being offered (and for some of us this means standing.)

For me it has meant turning towards the love that is here...love in the form of self-love and love from the man in my life, as well all the other love that surrounds me. Including the love of/from you all!!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #59 on: May 22, 2017, 12:01:06 PM »
Xyzcf, those tears are our rivers of healing. And, like rivers, they are slowly creating our new landscape.

I have absolutely no doubt that there is an equal amount of joy (and more) as there has been pain that created those wet tissues!!  I also know that you will walk your new landscape as a whole person because of your willingness to listen to your heart and allow yourself the time and the space to feel and grieve and let go.

I predict you will be yet coming upon some of the happiest times of your life!! Really, Xyczf...I believe that!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”


Offline Musica

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #61 on: May 25, 2017, 01:01:36 AM »
Wow what a dream that was THK it is indeed amazing how the brain and the heart work ... your name is absolutely you the heart knows.

What a gem of a man you have found who understands all those emotions and supports you, and is strong enough to be there with you. You made the right choice in the dream.

XxxX

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #62 on: May 29, 2017, 12:40:38 PM »
thk, what a thought provoking and disturbing dream. It is also a reaffirming one. Even in your subconscious, you are choosing your BF. You can still feel the sadness of what was, but you are making the right choices for you.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #63 on: June 05, 2017, 12:10:04 AM »
Guess who came by today?

 H was in the neighborhood. Drove up to surprise our S27 (who was off somewhere and couldn't be reached) so H called my house and asked if I knew if everything was okay with S. When I told him I saw S 3 days ago, he was relieved and then asked if he could come by and pick up his collection of walking sticks. I told him to come on over.( I was getting ready for the ballet and had all my make up on and knew I looked pretty good.)

He came by, helped me pick some oranges, and looked at the work I have done int he yard. He told me I had done an amazing job. He talked a little and and said he had been worried about how I would manage after he retired as I would no longer be getting his support. (Being a teacher, I am not entitled to draw on his social security...I don't think)  Anyway, I basically told him I would get by, and that I intended to do whatever I could to leave the house to S 27.

Not sure what to think about the whole thing. Could he be coming out of the tunnel and realizing he may have left me in a tough situation? Not sure. I do know that I felt absolutely no attraction to him . We both fell into an easy chat with one another and people who have know each other for a long time do. But none of the strings that use to pull on me were there. He could have been a neighbor or a cousin. Amazing!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline Tyks

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #64 on: June 05, 2017, 04:23:39 AM »
First of all, wow... what a dream. It really is neat how our brain processes things while we sleep. It sounds like you made the right decision as you sound happy.

I cant wait to get to a place where you are where you can have easy unemotional interaction with your h. That must have been really nice. I guess I will get there when I let go of my anger :(

Me 48
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22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #65 on: June 05, 2017, 11:18:13 AM »
Hi Tyks,

Sometimes I wish I had felt more anger. It would have been more appropriate. But mostly I just felt sad and hurt and confused. I probably would have hung on forever, accepting crumbs if I hadn't come to a realization that my life was passing me by.

Some of us (see Xyzcf) have had to deal with these charming MLCers who continued to bring us gifts and seemingly treated us kindly...wanting to remain the "good guy" until the end. I have decided not to try to strip him of his "Mr. Nice" persona. I honestly do not think he can survive without it, and it is not worth my energy to try to make him see something he cannot. I lost a best friend in this whole process because she also was not willing to see H other than the persona he so desperately puts out there.

It is all a process and each one of us have different players in this mess, even though the script is so similar. There just does not seem any other way to do this but to learn as we go and tune into what is right for us. You will get to exactly where you need to be!!!
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 11:19:53 AM by theheartknows »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #66 on: June 05, 2017, 11:54:54 AM »
As we have always been told, time heals. It doesn't erase, but somewhere along the line we start to change our thinking about this person, someone we no longer know.

I get together with a group of people from my neighborhood who "live alone". We meet each week for dinner, go to concerts...I really like these people.

Last week, an older man, who spent most of his life in the navy so has seen a lot...I have not really shared much of my story...but we were talking about dating sites and how I have no desire to enter into a relationship with another man.....this guy...he knew something that has me thinking.

He said this to me " You have been deeply hurt. Some men feel they need to treat women badly, some men treat women without any respect".

These few sentences have been going around in my mind since then.

It did not need to end like this..the bewilderment, the lack of any discussion of any alternatives and the lies...but yes, the disrespect for me, for our daughter and for our family has been terrible.....

Sometimes, the knowledge of MLC has a negative effect, for indeed, I do believe that something drastic happened to our partners, I get that.........they truly have hearts of stone for their lack of empathy and compassion they show us...even when we give them the freedom they so desperately seek. Knowing about MLC may indeed hold us to the thinking that if we can sit this out, if we wait long enough, they will exit their tunnel and perhaps we shall have a chance at reconciliation. Some people give up that thinking much sooner...some, I am probably one of them, still continue to believe that it could be true. Either scenario is OK.

I may never be able to "trust" another man again.....only time will tell but I suspect I will not. My husband was such a good partner, I never ever dreamed he would be capable of doing what he has done...so I doubt that I would be able to see another man in any other light.

Friendship and companionship yes....and that's ok.

One thing I learned through all this is that I can accept myself, whatever the feelings and emotions I feel are OK....I am who I am....and I will change as the years go by yet again.....but I will not condemn anything that I feel or experience for it is my reality, and mine alone.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #67 on: June 05, 2017, 01:44:43 PM »
What your new friend said is such a true statement!  yes the disrespect is beyond believable, absolutely no excuse.  No it should not of ended the way/ways it does!

Even though I am reconciled xyzcf...I will never have the trust I had prior to this, for my H or anyone!!  Part of the fallout or maybe just a new way of thinking , not sure?!

(hugs)
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #68 on: June 07, 2017, 07:10:34 PM »
THK, I think it's wonderful that you were able to interact with your xH and have no triggers or longings. You have made great progress with becoming your own person. It is sort of baffling to feel like that about them. You kind of wonder, shouldn't I feel something? But we do heal and those feelings become memories only. It's like looking at a photo album and saying, yes I remember that time, but you've been there, done that and it's just a nice memory.

XYZ, your gentlemen friend seems to understand on a pretty deep level what some people are capable of. Maybe he had his heart broken too. As far as trusting blindly, I will never do that again. I adore my boyfriend, but I will always be on guard that things could end at a moment's notice. He is unlike any man I had dated. He thinks and feels very deeply. He has let me cry and feel cheated. He has comforted me by saying, you've been strong for so long. Let it out.  And I did.

I finally know what a NORMAL relationship should feel like. I finally understand why so many people do wait for their MLCer to come out of the Tunnel if that is what they had. And I am sorrier than ever that those LBS have lost it.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #69 on: June 09, 2017, 11:47:03 AM »
I finally know what a NORMAL relationship should feel like. I finally understand why so many people do wait for their MLCer to come out of the Tunnel if that is what they had. And I am sorrier than ever that those LBS have lost it.

Yes, Learning, yes to so much of what you said. I think one of the reasons the lack of "ties' or "pull" towards my H is so surprising is that we did have the kind of relationship you are describing with your BF.  It was so hard to accept that something that felt so right could go so wrong. I will always value our years together and just the other day texted him about a memory of a very special vacation we took together...and just how lucky we were to have the long romantic relationship we did. He didn't answer, but I know he is getting closer to being able to appreciate it all as well. He had to demonize me at first, to be able to justify his actions. But love has a way of rearing its head...even when the world crumbles around it.

Xyzcf, I think your point about respect is an important one. I remember reading a book by Gary Chapman in which he mentioned something to the effect of "by the time a man makes a decision to be unfaithful to his wife, all respect for her has died." I think the MLCer allows this to happen by holding onto his feelings...keeping grudges...not being willing to heal. I do not know, in the chicken and the egg scheme of things, which comes first. The niggling possibility of being unfaithful (and allowing resentment to build up to justify this action) or allowing resentment to build up to the point of feeling justified. I guess it doesn't really matter as both are a form of turning one's back on the relationship. Anyway, what I do know is you are a woman who deserves respect and that God will find a way to make this apparent.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #70 on: June 09, 2017, 02:25:49 PM »
Quote
by the time a man makes a decision to be unfaithful to his wife, all respect for her has died

I have to insist here, all respect for himself has died!  It is because he respects his wife and holds himself in such low regard that he can cheat--his wife won't really care right?  Cos he's such a piece of crap that who'd care?

Don't take it personally girls!  Like how can you not?  Try not to take it personally.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #71 on: June 09, 2017, 03:59:17 PM »
Respect, or the lack of it, is a big part of their actions. Not sure who they have less respect for us or themselves. My friends told me, after xH and I split, that he never had any respect for me. They were taken aback by how he spoke to me. I never noticed it was that bad, but they all insisted it was.

I am happy you were able to share a memory with your xH, THK.  I hope things continue to improve that way. You do have a long history and a son. It shouldn't be so hard to be in the same space.
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Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #72 on: June 09, 2017, 04:15:18 PM »
It seems inconceivable to me...one day you are in a long time marriage, partnership and friendship and then you step away from what has been your life for 35 years for another woman?

Well heck, perhaps before you cheated...you might have given me a heads up that you were somehow not satisfied at home...THEN perhaps after talking to me...move on with your life and if you find another, well I guess that is that.

But the secrecy and "tackiness" of what they do...as I sit here and still shake my head.

I agree with both THK and calamity...for indeed, things he has done made me feel like he has no respect for me but also no respect for himself.

It is too bad that it hurts us so deeply, that was also a surprise to me...the effect of this on my whole life and how difficult it was to regain my equilibrium.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline Shocked

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #73 on: June 09, 2017, 08:35:37 PM »
IMO respect is no longer of any importance in their lives. It's useless and it doesn't serve them in what they feel entitled to. I know mine had and probably still has the screw everyone attitude. He wants to be a big shot and this cheating life style accomplishes that. He's no longer an equal or a partner like he would be with a wife but now he's the master of this new universe where they are hero to their affair partners. My guess is the thrill of being superior over just being a partner is intoxicating!!!
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Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2017, 11:38:17 AM »
Shocked, they do feel like masters of the universe. I would refer to xH as the "Puppet Master of the Universe".  LOL
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #75 on: July 23, 2017, 11:40:48 AM »
Today is my anniversary. And, even though we are legally separated, it will always be my anniversary. How could it not be? Today also marks the day, 39 years ago, we met.

I can see us! H waiting for me to walk down the aisle. Father Mc Hugh standing at the altar so seriously! (Nobody has ever said "until death so you part" with such vehemence.)  It is so precious in so many ways. Two young adults trying so hard to do it right...to take the steps that would declare our love to the world and make us full fledged members of the world of "grown ups." Later came the house (and so many late nights of working on the house, and our son...also so many late nights!)

Two days ago, I ran into a hat box in my closet. It had not been opened since H left and I did not know its contents. H had filled it with momentos from all our trips. Brochures, ticket stubs, post cards he had written to himself with details of our travels. I had forgotten many of the particulars of our journeys and they all came rushing back to me. We had so many fun, exciting, difficult, frustrating, love-filled, strife-filled, beautiful, heart-wrenching times. The experiences that happen when sharing a lifetime with another!!

So, today I am looking at myself with compassion and admiration. Taking in just how strong and resourceful I am. I also am looking at H with compassion and admiration. I believe he did the very best he could. He is not as strong and resourceful, but I know he gave it his all until he no longer could....until he broke. I pray for him. I am continuing to grow and unfold and become. I want that for him as well. He deserves it. I feel thankful for the "us" we were...for all the ways we were the wind beneath each others wings. I miss our family, and pray that a new family of some configuration emerges for me with or without H.

Thank you, CJ, Xyzcf, Learning, Ready, and all my friends for being witness to me and my story..allowing me to make sense of it here, where others understand. I so appreciate you!!
 
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #76 on: July 23, 2017, 11:52:51 AM »
Happy Anniversary theheartknows.

We get a choice, to remember the past and smile, or to hold the memories tightly and continue to cry about how wrong this is and how unfair...which of course it is.

But those memories, those were real...and they were wonderful and why would we not wish to keep them for the precious love that they were?

I feel so bad for the newbies on HS, for we know the anguish and can look back and see ourselves in their tears...thanks for posting your thoughts...for us to know that you have grown in such a beautiful way, and for others to have hope that they too will one day consider what happened as an "event" in a long life of events...not one I wished for, but it happened never the less and I am totally powerless to change it.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #77 on: July 23, 2017, 10:05:18 PM »
My anniversary was June 26...I forgot it as usual.  Hmmm.

You sound peaceful and content.  What more could one ask?

I was reading the Serenity Prayer the other day--at 20 I was rolling my eyes at that.  [I hate it that all the clichés are true.  No cliché isn't the right word.  All those old sayings and phrases e.g. 'heartbreak', 'heartache', 'pain in the neck', 'no fool like an old fool', :P etc--turns out we should have taken them seriously.] 

Anyway, my point was ...to accept the things I cannot change... You've arrived there at that place of acceptance.  8)

Happy anniversary thk!

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #78 on: July 24, 2017, 03:57:59 PM »
I hope you got thru the day okay. You do sound wonderful. It's okay to remember the good times. It's part of what made you who you are today. I think it's wonderful that you are praying for your H and hoping he finds his way.

Keep moving forward. Appreciate the present. You have done an amazing job of keeping your core being the same as you always were.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #79 on: September 20, 2017, 10:34:52 PM »
I have been thinking about all of you. Especially all of us in the Class of 2011! Some of us already are, and some of are coming up on entering into our 7th year! Wow!

I saw H a couple of weeks ago. He came to town to work an event that we had always worked at together before BD. I no longer attend. (too many memories.) Anyway, he texted and told me he had belated birthday presents for me that he wanted to drop off.  He came by and we talked for quite some time. He brought me gifts and a beautiful card that read "God created you as a unique person with so many wonderful gifts. On your birthday may you remember how special you are!"

He has seemed more balanced and settled each time I have seem him over the last couple of years. He is still with his same girlfriend and I will not at all be surprised if they end up getting married soon (of course, he has to divorce me first.)

I still have a psychic link with him, and I really felt he was facing some of his own personal demons earlier this last year. Perhaps this allowed him to now be able to acknowledge me as "special" and "having gifts." Who knows? I guess at this point, I feel it really isn't my business.

Funny thing about this MLC, it continues to keep me guessing. But not with much dedication. I give far less time to wondering about his actions as I do, say, certain political leaders!!!

You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline Onward

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #80 on: September 20, 2017, 11:01:22 PM »
What a lovely update, THK!
So good to see you doing so well.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #81 on: September 21, 2017, 06:07:57 AM »
Hello Dear THK,

Quote
Funny thing about this MLC, it continues to keep me guessing. But not with much dedication. I give far less time to wondering about his actions as I do, say, certain political leaders!!!

This is so true. Their actions this long after they left us, do not make sense. We can look at them as an interesting species but for me anyway, I no longer know his heart.

Hard to say if your husband will remarry or not, he doesn't need to. Still, I guess it is more something that most people do.

I would be surprised if mine ever did...but then again, I shouldn't be surprised by anything he does by now.

Have a great day!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #82 on: September 21, 2017, 07:07:23 PM »
I wrote you a response that was all about me.  Good therapy though, I've worked out my blues and deleted them.  Here's to the class of 2011.

Did he always buy you birthday gifts?  Is that not strange?  But not surprising.

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #83 on: December 08, 2017, 09:59:54 PM »
This has been quite the week!! My town has been in the center of The Thomas Fire and I have been evacuated and staying in hotels since Monday. My H sent a text saying, "Spoke to S28, glad you are okay."

Well, I am not okay. I have been displaced from a fire. My house is being threatened. I am paying out of pocket for me and S28 to have a place to stay (too smoky for us to stay in shelters) And, since H is cutting me off of from his insurance this month, I am already strapped for $$ with my new hefty monthly insurance premiums. Really!!! How can everything be "okay" when you are in the middle of a fire?

My S28 and I ended up in one whopper of an argument at our hotel Monday night (stress of the fire situation getting to us both.) He ends up saying to me, "Quit taking Dad's decisions out on me. I cannot help it if he is taking off to New Orleans with your best friends of 30 years tomorrow." HUH???

So, it seems that while this catastrophe is going on in our lives, H is flying off on vacation with my former best friend and her husband. She and I had always talked about taking this trip together. Mind you, H only got to know this couple through me. Whatever!

The wonderful thing is that BF, although undergoing his own financial woes, has been by my side (and my son's) through the whole ugly situation. He is also evacuated from his house, but he has spent much time and energy making sure things were okay with us before he ever considered his own safety.

So my H is not my H anymore, and my best friend isn't my best friend anymore. Thank God!!! Because I have better options today!!!

« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 10:04:02 PM by theheartknows »
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #84 on: December 10, 2017, 06:11:43 PM »
THK, I am so sorry that you are displaced and that the fire is threatening your home. Your H is just a typical MLCer. Thinking only of his life and his needs. Not surprising. I know it hurts.

Do you have a job that offers benefits? We are all in trouble with the new tax plan.

My xH has bought a 4th condo. Yes, he owns all of them. Lives in one, not sure which one, and rents the others out. He doesn't even let his own kids know where he lives. He is so secretive. He is just such a weirdo.

Glad your BF is standing by you. Maybe he will help you understand what a normal relationship is supposed to be like.
trying2bok

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #85 on: December 11, 2017, 12:26:07 PM »
Thanks for stopping in, Learning. Actually, I have been very fortunate in this fire. I still have my home. My son and friends are all alive. I was in a very upset place when I posted. Mostly because it is impossible for me to imagine the perspective of my ex-best friend and my husband. It is so, cut-off.

But, it has become my practice to ask what I need to learn in every situation and this one is no exception.

My district offers health coverage. However, when I dropped down to teaching less than 100% (health concerns,) I am no longer covered 100% and the premium costs, even with my district paying their share, is more expensive than Obamacare, Which is still way too much for the income I earn. I cannot believe people who are are the edge are expected to pay that much $$ in health care. Our Canadian friends are lucky!!

Your H behavior, like mine, is beyond deplorable. It will never cease to mystify me how someone who once cared about me so much, can be so removed and so self-consumed. Are you still with your BF? How is that going?
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #86 on: December 11, 2017, 01:49:50 PM »
I'm so glad you're okay (not in the same way as your H -  ::))!!! I hope there is some return to normal soon for you, your son, and BF! Sounds like you are still the winner in that scenario.

I was listening to a Gregg Braden audiobook over the weekend ("Spontaneous Healing of Belief") and it reminded me of so many good conversations we've had around here over the years. How much we have all grown, and how stupid they all were to lose us! :)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #87 on: December 13, 2017, 10:11:16 PM »
Hi Ready!!!
 So good to hear from you. That sounds like an interesting book. I will have to look into it.
I have to agree 100% with you. We have continued to learn and grow and it has been a beautiful process to witness. I am in awe of our strength, willingness, and our choice to move towards growth.
You are certainly one who has been willing to ask questions and search for answers. It has been a journey and I am so glad we have all traveled it together. Love to you!! Are you dating?
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #88 on: January 05, 2018, 06:46:25 AM »
Hi THK, snow day here in NJ with the bomb cyclone. My snowblower wouldn't start and by the time I plow, there will be no point in going in to work.

I am glad that you survived the fire and your son and friends are all safe. What a harrowing experience.

You should come teach in NJ. The teachers are tenured and last I heard only pay $25 towards their premiums. I hope your health issues aren't too severe. Canada is indeed fortunate to have their health plan.

Yes, I am still with my boyfriend. It will be 5 years in Feb. He has been so wonderful to me and my adult kids. He has shown me what a real relationship looks like.

There have been a lot of engagements of HS members recently. It's nice to see people moving forward and finding happiness again.
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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #89 on: March 13, 2018, 12:53:19 PM »
Hey Learning. Thanks for the stop-by. The benefits for teachers in NJ sound great. But, the snow? I am way too much of a California girl, fires and all!!

Engagements? Wow! Yes, hard as it is to believe when we are in the midst of the crisis, but life does go on and we go on with it. It is interesting aspect of being a "living thing." Everything in us moves toward being alive. The body works to heal itself, the psyche works to heals itself, the heart works towards healing itself too. I can remember when losing my parents, realizing in a very profound way, that I could not longer share their world in the same way. I was still part of the living world. No matter how much I might have wanted my world to freeze when they died (and when H left.) It wouldn't. The living world is biologically and spiritually hard-wired to survive and grow.

I attended my father-in-law's memorial with my S28 last Sunday. My H was there, of course, along with all my in-laws and my former best friend, Sue, and her husband (who chose to continue socializing w H over our relationship.) So much to be said about it all. However, for the most part it was a very healing experience. Great ride to LA and back with my S28. I think the good parts of the whole experience can be summed up in what S28 asked me on the way home: "Has Dad met Bill (my BF) yet? I think he would like him."  Wow!! I doubt that will ever happen, but the fact that S28 could imagine it felt good. Maybe,  in all the brokenness, there is a chance for wholeness there!

The hard part, and I do not understand the "why" of this, is my own guilt. My H does not seem like he is faring so well. He has gained a ton of weight (I know he is not addressing the low testosterone) and he is very busy being the family hero. He still has to be the good guy, always. I want healing for him. I want him to be able to step out of the confined "hero"role and learn what he needs for his own wholeness. I feel guilty because I have grown so much and walking into their household felt like walking into a museum...emotionally frozen in time.

I know these were his choices (no matter how influenced by his MC they were still his choices) But, I carry this guilt about doing better. I feel like leaving him behind. Can anyone who might stop by speak to this/help me understand why this emotion comes up for me? Does anyone have any suggestions for releasing the guilt?
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Online 1trouble

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #90 on: March 13, 2018, 03:40:59 PM »
Thank you for sharing your journey

As someone who is going into their 4th year on this ...

My answer to your question is you are a very compassionate person who like all of us has wanted to help and fix someone we loved/love but from self preservation,n has had to decide to save yourself, the alternative was to join your MLC'ers destruction..

MLC is like addiction, addicts are driven to destruction and so are MLC'ers and those who cannot face themselves or keep running are, in the end, destroying themselves.  Its been said many times these were good people before the crisis, which makes this so so hard to reconcile with their actions...but once they enter crisis then all bets are off ..
 
People who have addicts within their family unit are all faced with the choice you took, in the end.
Keep trying to save the addict/MLC'er and become an enabler and destroy yourself in the end OR to let go and leave them to make their own choices, knowing this could be destruction

Its survivers guilt you are dealing with and it is exacerbated when the person you had to let go of is someone you love and you can see what their choices hae brought them....no-one wants to see someone we love or care for suffering or down on their luck BUT
all I would say is the "choices" you faced were/are stark.
and there was no choice really at the time and now you have put yourself on a positive path.....

BUT your H had choices but he didn't take them......really what I say is the 'guilt' you talk about is a cocktail of sadness, compassion and concern for the H you knew and loved before this all happened and what you see now as the consequences, you are grieving for the life you could have had and sad for the person you knew.  Plus you have now found a new relationship and happiness from sorrow and its that last bit that's not sitting well with you.

I would suggest its a natural feeling, if you gain something from sorrow then its a mixed blessing BUT you do deserve this happiness, this new relationship
And that's the thing you have to work on accepting your good fortune and your H's situation as being a consequence of his choices.

You did nothng wrong, you made the best of the choices you were faced with, your H didn't and he now has to face the consequences of his decisions. 
If you are truly happy with the person you are with you will need to work on these feelings of guilt you face so as not to mar this relationship.

I think it may help you to read books on addiction (from the point of the families of addicts) and you will see the feelings you have are natural reactions to what you have been through when you choose life over destruction.

You will also see these are natural reactions from a kind compassionate and spiritual person
Take care of yourself and pray for your H and enjoy the life you have now and possibilities its given you
Life throws us curved balls for a reason
I wish you well xx
« Last Edit: March 13, 2018, 04:20:24 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #91 on: March 13, 2018, 11:06:59 PM »
Trouble,

Thank you!! I  greatly appreciate your input. Your post rings true..all of it!! Thank you, in particular, for this piece of wisdom:
                         "the "choices" you faced were/are stark.There was no choice really at the time
                                and now you have put yourself on a positive path....."

This was an important reminder to me. I was not given a choice. I did everything I knew how to hang in there and make our marriage work. If H had not been so darn ugly towards me,  I would still be right in there .... slowly being ground to pieces. I did what I had to do for survival..for living. I only wish he were happier. I will continue to pray for him. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #92 on: March 17, 2018, 12:08:52 PM »
THK, I don't have anything to add to what 1Trouble said. I will, however, share a mantra with you that my boyfriend shared with me from his yoga class. You say out loud or to yourself, "I'm sorry. I forgive myself. Thank you. I love you." I started using it to help myself stay away from the dark thoughts and anger I still have toward my xH. I am tired of being angry at him. I did tweak the mantra to "I forgive you". It does seem to help me let go just a little more.
trying2bok

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #93 on: March 17, 2018, 08:19:44 PM »
A beautiful practice, Learning. Thank you!!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

 

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