Author Topic: My Story Removing the Crepe  (Read 5729 times)

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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My Story Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2017, 09:36:24 PM »
Hi Learning, thanks for stopping by.

Well, there is definitely life after MLC and I am living it. It's been an interesting 4 mos (since I last posted.) Things are much better with my S. His car fell apart in December and H and I worked together very collaboratively to help him out. My H really came through. He ended up paying the expensive repair work on the car. I offered to help, but he said "You have enough on your plate. I've got it." My son was worried his Dad wasn't going to be there for him, and I was able to honestly say, "Hey, I think you dad is working his way out of MLC. He cares about you and he's got your back." Since then, S27 has been much more approachable. Even calling me on phone and coming by weekly. Go figure?

BF and S also bonded over the car situation as BF took him car shopping and helped him to understand financing, etc. S told me the other day that he "really likes my BF. "Six years ago I could have never imagined a scene in which I would happy to hear my S say he liked a BF of mine. That thought would have torn me apart, made me feel sick to the core!! It is so far from the life I had imagined, so far from what I wanted for my family, for my son...all of us. But it was delightful to hear.

And, you know what? It is my life now and it is good. A whole different kind of family is forming for me. Not the storybook kind that H and I worked so hard to create, but one that includes a lot of warmth, and respect. Patchwork for sure, but humble from knowing that life does not always work out as planned and a willingness to work with the good that is there, is a viable choice.

 I am still not divorced, but I imagine that is not too far off. My H has been with the same woman for several years now. And, yes, for the most part, I can let that go too. It is not what I would have ever chosen, but I like my life as it is now, and my life is good. Very good.

I still think about my H all the time. We exchange texts...including one the other day in which I told him, "I will always care about and love you.". He replied with "Thank you, I appreciate knowing that." He has been a good resource in helping me lately with understanding what to do with my house during recent rains as it can flood.

But, my BF is my comfort and companion now. He is the one I turn to for love. He does not take the place of H, he has his own unique place in my heart that continues to grow as we grow in intimacy. I am happy.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2017, 10:55:34 AM »
Thanks for the update, THK!  It's nice to know that you are in a good place and that your H and you can work together. Sadly, I don't think that my xH is capable of that. He is also with the same woman. I think xH would have a coronary if I told him I still loved and cared about him. Can't have that, since I got lifetime alimony. ;D

Yes, life is not how we envisioned it, but it can be, and is, still good. I am blessed that my BF is adored by my kids. They despise xH's OW.

I am also delighted that your S27 is more approachable. Let the healing begin.
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Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2017, 09:26:54 PM »
Good to hear from you thk.  You do sound 'lighter'. :)

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2017, 01:01:05 PM »
I think the hardest thing in all of this MLC mess has been the letting go of making any sense of any of it.

This has been most difficult to do for so many reasons. For one, I think I have somewhat of a logical mind, and when I know that a+b=c, seeing something to the contrary, keeps my brain running. Like a computer caught in a continual loop, it keeps spinning to find the answer. There are no answers.

Secondly, I usually intuit and feel my way through many situations. My intuition rarely fails me. But, it did in this situation. I had a good marriage...a beautiful relationship w H.  I knew in my heart that my marriage was suppose to last a lifetime. What happened did not match my heart or my head.

His mixed messages certainly did not help with any of this. My brain said, "but he is still buying me gifts." My heart said, "I can still feel that he still loves me." And, I think I was right on both accounts. But what I couldn't see is that this did not mean that things would ever return to a relationship that would work for me. It was like I had the butter and the flour for a recipe and I was saying, "but these are the things that I always put together to make the cake before...why is the cake failing?" The mixed messages kept the loop going.

Today, as crazy as it may sound, I have gratitude to my H for being cruel. If he had been anything less than plain old mean, I would have continued to keep trying to piece the formula together. I think it was probably his girlfriend that finally demanded that he quit sending out the confusing messages. I am thankful to her today too.

I do not think H was trying to be mean. A part of him wanted to make the formula work too. Not in the same way I did. He knew he wasn't capable of returning to our marriage. But, he does love me and he didn't want to lose his family, his community, etc. He wanted the comfort of "us' as much as I did. He was though, and still is, incapable of really working at the depths our healing would require.

I have finally come to accept this truth. But, I don't like it and nothing about it seems right, except that it happened. Because  it did, I believe, it somehow must be part of what I needed for growth in my own life. Not the path I would have planned. But today, I working with it...and I am enjoying my life.
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2017, 03:26:50 PM »
Quote
His mixed messages certainly did not help with any of this. My brain said, "but he is still buying me gifts." My heart said, "I can still feel that he still loves me."

Ah yes, the mixed messages...in most other relationships, it is pretty clear when someone cares about you, wishes to be in your company and doesn't lead you on...right from BD when I was told "I need some space" to the present continuing clinging boomerang behavior that never ceases.

I will take responsibility for this for indeed I could also tell him to leave me alone and get myself off this hamster wheel. I would not take this "abuse' from any other person..so why do I take it from him?

Fortunately, I know some very wise LBSers who manage to walk me through this again and again...there is no use trying to understand his behavior, other than to know that I am not alone in experiencing his switch from hot to cold in an instant.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2017, 03:56:44 PM »
THK, nice to hear your update. I completely agree that under NORMAL circumstances, we would be able to make sense and come to a reasonable conclusion about an answer. This MLC has NO answer. We need to stop looking for one. I think they do nice things to make themselves feel better. They know what they did, and they know it wasn't right.

I don't think that any of us would have chosen or planned this. But we find that we can have a really nice life if we let ourselves.
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Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2017, 05:49:32 PM »
You've tried to reconcile it all with grace, thk. If everything happens for a reason, this did, too. There is growth to be had.

Cultivating closure has been an interesting experience. xH has taken up Buddhism again. Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor. ;) I had an interaction with him last week that continued to assume I would be more considerate of his circumstance than my own. The enlightenment he seeks is still self-centered. Having moved my focus on to other things, it affects me far less. A year and a half ago, that wasn't the case. I anticipate more momentum in this direction, and I'm glad for it. The world seems wide open.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2017, 07:06:23 PM »
Nice to hear from you my friends!!!

Xyzcf, I have great compassion for your hamster wheel. Why has any of us put up with the bull$h!te they send our way? Even after all of this time,  I think we still remain in some shock by their behavior. They are not the men we knew. It isn't the relationship we knew. It isn't the world we knew. This imbalance keeps our unsolvable loop going. But you will find your balance. You are strong and seek truth. You will get off the wheel when it is time.

Learning, I agree. I think there is a bad conscious factor in the "doing nice things". It keeps the "good guy" image going for them, so they do not have to look as closely at all the cracks. Yes, life can be really really good pbd.

Ready 2, sorry to hear that Hoss is still out riding the range. Sorry for him, anyway. His costume may have changed to monk robes now, but we know what is underneath (for all of them.) I agree the world is wide open and I am cannot wait to hear more about the path you take!!
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

Offline calamity

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2017, 08:11:01 AM »
Hi thk,

I wrote a long post then realized it made no more sense than mlc. ;D   I think I've lost interest in mlc or my x. :o :)   Not really.   What it is: I have ocd--I'm totally into my garden [it's finally spring--we've been on 2 week break and it was still snowing the first week!]  So, can't think about anything but garden.

But I still read all your posts and I'm nodding my head.

Good to hear from you. 

Offline theheartknowsTopic starter

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Re: Removing the Crepe
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2017, 09:05:14 PM »
Are we two peas in a pod? My BF asked me last weekend, after helping me in garden for the third week in a row..."Do you think you will ever want go hiking or biking again?" I had to tell him honestly, "not until spring is over!"
You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”

 

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