[lawprofessor]

I wish it were a compressed timeline but j has been slogging through this ending for well over 2 years.  Its been a long 2 years plus.  Yes, I held his feet to the fire at varying degrees of heat level for the whole time I'd say.  The fire just burned hotter at times than others according to my needs.  We each have our own style. 
Lp

[CallingHeart]

Thanks for everyone's insight into this topic. I've read some powerful posts especially from those who have reconciled / are in the process...

Osb, what you wrote about the dreams really hit me. 
I have a similar experience (but without a MCL spouse return)
I've chalked it up to the experience and fears that came with the abandonment from my spouse. Also coupled with my father's death.
It's like a mild ptsd experience.  It's scary at times.
I wake up and hug a Catholic religious picture that my dad gave me after a trip he took years ago to Medjugorje.
Then I reach for my dog who sleeps where my husband used to 

CallingHeart

[stayed]

Compressed time!  What is compressed about 3 years before you even begin to believe they are really, truly back. Trust, please, there was no way I totally trusted my h at the 3 year point.  We are now in the 10 year and I can honestly say that I have found some of my former trust for him. 

No, I don't have nightmares anymore, not at all but I have not FORGOTTEN.  I know that is never going to happen and so does my h.  As for digesting this crap, absolutely, man, that took time... years. 

I know most of you think I am the hardest a$$ ever, but my h doesn't see it that way and as I have said, we are now in our 10TH. year of reconciliation.  He did not see me as being tough, he saw me as being honest.  He saw that he had betrayed everything I believed in him and he knew it was going to take a long time for me to trust him, even half as much as I did before the time of our troubles. 

I don't know how many times I have said he returned HALF BAKED... he came home determined to run the show, because he honestly felt that I would let him.  Based on our old marriage, he had no reason to think otherwise.  Seriously though, I could not allow that to happen.  I had to be sure in my mind that he was back with me because he loved me, missed me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  I didn't want to be second best to a FAILED EXPERIMENT that he once tried and somehow just didn't work out, so he crawled back to his security blanket!

Surviving Infidelity claims it take two years for every year of betrayal, MINIMUM!  Personally, I believe that.  IN fact, my personal experience, I would suggest more like 3 years for every year of betrayal.

This is very difficult.  I may not have the exact time frame correct but I can assure you, I HAVE FORGOTTEN NOTHING!  I doubt I ever will.

hugs Stayed

[Keep believing]

To those reconciled,
I am at a place where im not quite sure if i want to stand anymore. The reason being is my h has been so many places with this woman and has done so many things that i wanted to do with h. Im wondering if you all were the same. I mean my hs job took him from city to city where ow would meet him. Places i wanted to go. He took her to the other places where i stood as his wife .she was put in my spot. That hurts deeply. Some of what i read said when  redonciled  that didnt seem to matter much. How do you get over that? . It is not about forgiveness its that you cant forget. How do you truly recover? For me i dont care about the sex its the casuality and the fun and the places and the things they did. Thats all i can picture. Them in hots tubs ,getting massages . When i go out to eat ,i picutre them when i see other couples.

[stayed]

Meditation!  One woman pity parties!  Stop sign techniques with a promise to wallow in my misery later that night but only if I STOPPED thinking about the situation now.  Self bribing.  Making deals with myself.  I did it all. 

Combating my hurt and anger took all of the things I mentioned above... pretty much used the whole entourage every day for a while as well.  They taught me how to manage anger, anticipation, anxiety, over analyzing, self pity, disgust, bitterness...

Truth is keep believing, you can't let this win because if it does, you will end up being a bitter, angry person.  That is no way to live.

Hugs Stayed

[Kat0465]

Keep believing, I can so related to what your feeling.for me as well that's what has hurt my stand.
I also took a long hard look at My MIL, who went thru the same thing with FIL. She never dated, never moved on, that was over 20 years ago.
I doubt want to be her, it's been 4 years since his affair started. 3 years has been gone.our daughter got married Saturday .and the whole wedding, he treated me like I was invisible, and was even texting the  OW pics of the wedding.  That sealed the deal for me.
Like MLC, there's really no time line.... You know when your done.. Or not....

[osb]

Each of us copes differently, though the feelings are so familiar.

I think I anaesthetized myself, in some fashion. I mourned H like a dead man, even while he was at home raging next to me. And then I withdrew. Placed myself inside bubble wrap. Refused to permit myself anger. In the process, I refused to permit myself feelings. Went through life mechanically, planning for my future (which seemed inevitable at the time). Got a life; enjoyed it, even; but it felt unreal to me. Was I done? Well, I don't think I asked myself that particular question, since it didn't matter (H being a few slices short of a loaf at the time, his returning was unlikely, and my assenting even more unlikely). In retrospect, no I wasn't done.

Since we started reconciling, I think the most difficult thing has been for me to permit myself to feel anything again. It's so much easier to pretend, to let the questions go unanswered. But gradually I've got to scratch through the clear plastic, until I draw blood, until it runs clean. That's where all the nightmares come from, I think. A daily effort.

Stayed, I'm rather counting on your timeline; post BD, my H was in MLC for three years, then has been home for two years, though a halfways sensible human being for only the last year. You're so right, one doesn't forget. I'd really like my amygdala to forget, though; I'm looking forward to sleeping though the night.

(modified because I actually lost track of years and had to go back and think about the calendar...!) 

[Keep believing]

Half the time this works  for now since h is still in the tunnel but i guess i am more asking after word. Is it really worth it? As time goes by do those thoughts of h and ow just seem far far away? Thanks

[Velika]

osb, I once read that a study of soldiers found that in active combat, soldiers had soothing dreams. It was only when they returned home and were safe could they have nightmares.

The conclusion was that perhaps the mind needed to soothe itself in order to face danger; once the danger had passed the psyche could process what it had experienced.

In this light, the nightmares might actually be an acknowledgement you are finally safe.

[xyzcf]

Keep believing posted:

i guess i am more asking after word. Is it really worth it?

Then I read WithGod's help post from today at
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8213.msg543081#msg543081

Thanks for the replys just a little update h is finally becoming a better version of the man he was pre-mlc. his memory is getting much better in fact I finally feel like he's my husband, best friend and a father again, not that he was a bad one before mlc however I feel because he nearly lost all us, he's become more focused on what family means....the kids have a brilliant relationship with their dad something I never thought would happen after he went from a dad to stranger basically overnight with them....we continue to improve on our relationship everyday it's been along hard slog but I finally feel like I can breathe and let go of that weight I carried on my shoulders for nearly 8 years

From the many reconciliation stories I have read, it seems to be that it is VERY WORTH IT.