[Ready2Transform]

R2T I love you and you are very wise, but this make me sad to the pit of my stomach. If I had seen this when I was new, I wouldn't have gone any further with the site. I did not want a divorce. I wanted support for standing and I wanted my marriage back. I wanted to learn about midlife crisis and infidelity as well. It was the tag that got me to look further into this site. It was that tag that got me to read the articles which are fabulous. It was learning about script and how to handle contact and how to respond and not react that helped me stand. I'm very grieved that the forum is changing its focus.  Just my .02 as well.

((hugs))

I actually 100% agree and would probably not have stayed here either. I just have this "bait and switch" feel about what is up front versus what we're actually doing as a support group.

And I will take those hugs!

[OldPilot]

I actually 100% agree and would probably not have stayed here either. I just have this "bait and switch" feel about what is up front versus what we're actually doing as a support group.

And I will take those hugs!

I am glad you said this as I do not feel that it is a bait and switch.
Those few that did save their marriages used this method.

A relationship in order to succeed must have two healthy, happy individuals.
We must not sweep our portion of this under the rug.
We must become the best possible partners possible.
Those of us that are codependent, conflict avoiding, enablers must FIX themselves
as they are not healthy and will fail again in future relationships.
I see this as part of the mission of this site.
I believe that when you first get bombed you are not ready to hear the things that I am talking about.
Each of us heal and fix ourselves at our own pace.
A certain percentage of people will save themselves and maybe their marriages too.
Without the proper tools they will continue to repeat bad behaviors.

SO no matter what road we all choose this is a good path for us all to go down, to get
to the point of what road to choose.


My .02

[stayed]

I agree too, but...I want to make a suggestion that may be unpopular. Since the focus of the site really has progressed more toward "hope in the LBS" instead of "hope in the marriage reconciliation" - The forum tag (and not referring to the main site) "Dealing with Midlife Crisis and Infidelity When You Don't Want a Divorce" should be changed to something like, "The HS Forum - Where Standers, Spouses, and Those Moving On Come Together to Heal." Just my .02 to keep the overall mission on point.

I actually think this is an EXCELLENT change.  I honestly do not think it would TURN PEOPLE AWAY, in fact, it sounds enticing and sensible in a strange sort of way.  How is it any different to say, have "hope for yourself", rather then "hope for your marriage"!  To me, they are not mutually exclusive, in fact, they are in a sense one and the same thing.  In order to have a great marriage, you have to have great feelings and love for yourself.  Marriage is about sharing, not owning.  Recognizing the similarities and differences, loving and enjoying each other because of those similarities and DIFFERENCES! 

When we recognize and change traits about ourselves that even we did /do not like, our world begins to look a lot brighter.  Hope is my middle name (not really), without HOPE I could not have gotten where I am today.  Nobody could take away my hope, not then and not now.  When I found this forum I was looking for a place that understood my pain and would not put a TIME LIMIT on how long it should last. Nor hate my h for what he was doing.  I didn't want to hate him or anybody.  I just wanted to feel better.  I totally understand that for my family and friends, it was just too difficult for them to watch me suffer.  This place was a God send. 

I didn't need to hear what I ONLY WANTED TO HEAR, I just needed to be able to discuss it and lean on other people that were experiencing the same pain and loss that I was.  As I said, "hope for my marriage, or hope for myself"... one and the same thing for me.  If my marriage survived, lovely, but either way, I had HOPE for myself.  I believed that this was intended to happen and the outcome would be mine to choose.  There was much to be learned.  Still learning actually.   

Peace! 

Hugs Stayed

[Slow Fade]

I am glad you said this as I do not feel that it is a bait and switch.
Those few that did save their marriages used this method.

I agree Old Pilot. Thank you for your post. H and I are back together and I've learned a lot and have changed a lot for the better. I think him seeing my changes helped him change as well.  He tended to mirror me towards the end. Monster tried to throw me off, but I would come here and learn how to deal with it and Monster had to go away. He wasn't effective anymore. I don't know that I would have been able to stand through all of the fire and mud without learning what I learned here. 

[Trustandlove]

I know I said this before, but I just wanted to weigh in again.

The tag line "Dealing with Midlife Crisis and Infidelity when you don't want a Divorce" is exactly right.  It's exactly what we are doing here.   RCR, if you're reading, please don't change that -- indeed, my .o2 is that it should be the overall site tag!

It doesn't mean not healing and not working on ourselves and any of that.  It acknowledges the reality:  that we have to deal with this.  And that we don't want a divorce.

It doesn't mean we can necessarily avoid it. 

I think it's one of the wonderfully clear statements about this site, and it's what I always thought this site specialised in.  Helping those who don't want a divorce deal with the reality of MLC, infidelity, yes, divorce, all that. 

[gman242]

R2T I love you and you are very wise, but this make me sad to the pit of my stomach. If I had seen this when I was new, I wouldn't have gone any further with the site. I did not want a divorce. I wanted support for standing and I wanted my marriage back. I wanted to learn about midlife crisis and infidelity as well. It was the tag that got me to look further into this site. It was that tag that got me to read the articles which are fabulous. It was learning about script and how to handle contact and how to respond and not react that helped me stand. I'm very grieved that the forum is changing its focus.  Just my .02 as well.

((hugs))

I actually 100% agree and would probably not have stayed here either. I just have this "bait and switch" feel about what is up front versus what we're actually doing as a support group.

And I will take those hugs!

R2T, I agree with you about the "bait and switch" feel. I'm still a newbie by far, but from everything I read and everything I saw in my experience and from reading others, it's up to the MLC spouse what is going to happen. The LBS can either make it worse or get out of the way and make it better for themselves. Granted, yes there's so many individual factors, relationships and what type of MLCer we're talking about, but 99% of what's out there gives people the idea that A+B=C and you get your marriage back.

There was one guy I really like and I actually paid to watch his video. He was kind of the Mr. Roger's of all of this, super nice, thoughtful and gentle, but he still denied the reality and chaos that a MLC is. That's the thing nobody tells you and that you'll find down here on forums like this. It's all $$ and click through advertising and I do believe it sells false hope and keeps people in the "working on your marriage" mindset when you're really trying to manage chaos.

[heroIam]

R2T I love you and you are very wise, but this make me sad to the pit of my stomach. If I had seen this when I was new, I wouldn't have gone any further with the site. I did not want a divorce. I wanted support for standing and I wanted my marriage back. I wanted to learn about midlife crisis and infidelity as well. It was the tag that got me to look further into this site. It was that tag that got me to read the articles which are fabulous. It was learning about script and how to handle contact and how to respond and not react that helped me stand. I'm very grieved that the forum is changing its focus.  Just my .02 as well.

((hugs))

SAME WITH ME, SF!!!  I AGREE.  When I saw this site and title at BD, I felt understood, comforted and a bit relieved and read through everything in one day!.

[stayed]

There was one guy I really like and I actually paid to watch his video. He was kind of the Mr. Roger's of all of this, super nice, thoughtful and gentle, but he still denied the reality and chaos that a MLC is. That's the thing nobody tells you and that you'll find down here on forums like this. It's all $$ and click through advertising

and I do believe it sells false hope and keeps people in the "working on your marriage" mindset when you're really trying to manage chaos.

I agree gman.  Quite frankly you can't work on a marriage that no longer exists.  You can work on a new relationship, again though, only if both parties want to have a relationship.  MLC is CHAOS!  Excellent way to describe it.  The only way to deal with chaos is to analyze it and determine if there is any way to eliminate it or at the very least reduce it.  Often there is.  We do that by taking our financial, emotional and physical well being into our own personal responsibility.  That is done by preventing the MLCer from having access to your well being. 

That doesn't mean you throw HOPE away.  If you can forsake hope that easily, then I am thinking you did not have much faith in what you once had, in yourself or your partner. 

As for the TAG line of this forum, I think you have a good point Trustandlove, but so does Ready2tranform!  As I said before, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive. 

Hugs Stayed

[Phoenix]

I'm very grieved that the forum is changing its focus. 

I continue to be perplexed by statements like this. To my knowledge--and RCR will need to speak to this directly rather than have speculation swirling around and taking on a life of its own--I have never heard the board is changing its focus.

When the board began everyone was in the same place in the journey. Now it's been a number of years and 4000 members. People are going to be at different places now as new folks join regularly with much greater diversity of timeline, circumstances, etc.. There does not need to be a change in stance for there to naturally be differences in where people are in the process. We also now have reconciled people which we did not have in the early days so that is a benefit of having people at different points in the process. The seeming lamenting of what is past when it's not past is not helpful.

This is a board for people standing for their marriage and for themselves and, unless we are going to force people to leave when they are no longer standing--including because a divorce was forced on them---then a level of tolerance for where each of us is on the journey, would be more useful. Going in circles about a loss of hope and and speculations about a change in stance seems counterproductive. Everything is tangibly the same today as it was the day before the blog. Reminding people of what she has always said---there are no guarantees---does not mean RCR has changed stance or that there is any less hope today than there was a week ago.

Personally, I don't know that altering the tag line is what we want to do. I think it reflects why people come here. It's just that the reasons people stay, evolve over time and that couldn't have been known in the beginning.

Phoenix

[Onward]

I have an opinion!

Doing a little mirror work on where and how and when I share it, though. 
So just hanging out around the virtual table, watching and listening....