[gman242]

There was one guy I really like and I actually paid to watch his video. He was kind of the Mr. Roger's of all of this, super nice, thoughtful and gentle, but he still denied the reality and chaos that a MLC is. That's the thing nobody tells you and that you'll find down here on forums like this. It's all $$ and click through advertising

and I do believe it sells false hope and keeps people in the "working on your marriage" mindset when you're really trying to manage chaos.

I agree gman.  Quite frankly you can't work on a marriage that no longer exists.  You can work on a new relationship, again though, only if both parties want to have a relationship.  MLC is CHAOS!  Excellent way to describe it.  The only way to deal with chaos is to analyze it and determine if there is any way to eliminate it or at the very least reduce it.  Often there is.  We do that by taking our financial, emotional and physical well being into our own personal responsibility.  That is done by preventing the MLCer from having access to your well being. 

That doesn't mean you throw HOPE away.  If you can forsake hope that easily, then I am thinking you did not have much faith in what you once had, in yourself or your partner. 

As for the TAG line of this forum, I think you have a good point Trustandlove, but so does Ready2tranform!  As I said before, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive. 

Hugs Stayed

There's certainty room for both sides. I just thing a majority of the industry (and that's what is is!) blissfully ignores the reality of it.

[Thunder]

I agree Phoenix, I've been here for a very long time and I don't see where the board has changed much at all.  I'm still confused why people think that.

I see Mentors giving the same advice they did when I came aboard.  The ONLY difference  is there is more emphasis on protecting your finances, which is a good thing.

[Roma]

I'd like to add on my reply. Self focus, respond and not react, mirror work, living in joy are much needed to be around a MLCer to eventually reconcile. Please don't misunderstand my last post. Yet I feel the natural and most work is actually done by the MLCer going through the 6 stages.

Keeping our focus on ourselves and children instead of the MLCer is the absolute best way to go. The MLCer will naturally change as they emotionally mature.

I find lots of jewels and I am very appreciative for RCR articles and this site to get us (the LBS) back on to us, instead of frantically getting impatient and wondering what's going on with our MLCer 

[stayed]

I'm very grieved that the forum is changing its focus. 

I continue to be perplexed by statements like this. To my knowledge--and RCR will need to speak to this directly rather than have speculation swirling around and taking on a life of its own--I have never heard the board is changing its focus.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I so agree Phoenix... what has changed?  Some words!  We are still a support group that now has healed members.  Healed and reconciled!  Healed and in new relationships!  Healed and enjoying the life they have rebuilt for themselves! 

If we do no heal, we are INCAPABLE of having any sort of relationship with ANYBODY... including ourselves. We have done a marvelous job and have supported thousands of people through some of the worst days of their lives.  We have watched them grow, move on... some with their MLCer... some without!  We have made new friends, that we would rely ours lives on, as there is a bond created by this THING, that can never be erased! 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Personally, I don't know that altering the tag line is what we want to do. I think it reflects why people come here. It's just that the reasons people stay, evolve over time and that couldn't have been known in the beginning.

Phoenix

This is a very good point Phoenix.  The tag line SUITS what we are all about.  All of us came here, hoping/praying/desiring our MLCer would find their ways through the tunnel and come out the other side to us.  We haven't seen as much of that as we would have like, but that does not mean we have GIVEN UP HOPE... or faith in our MLCer.  It simply means that we now know for a certainty that we cannot fix them.  That our MLCer has to do this on their own. Just like we had to do our journey on our own, with a little help from our friends in here.  I suspect that very few MLCer's seek out an online support group to help them navigate their journey.  Such a pity. 

Well said Phoenix.

Hugs Stayed

[CallingHeart]

I have an opinion!

Doing a little mirror work on where and how and when I share it, though. 
So just hanging out around the virtual table, watching and listening....

Funny!   

CallingHeart

[Songanddance]

I have an opinion!

Doing a little mirror work on where and how and when I share it, though. 
So just hanging out around the virtual table, watching and listening....

 

[Anjae]

1t, I understand what you are saying, but I see Anjae's blood pressure going up.  lol

My blood pressure will not go up, but my mind may explode.  On the separated board issue, lets leave things the way they are, simple.

We are all, myself, included, debating the more controversial points of the blog post, but I think it is important to focus on the self healing and working on ourselves part. Not because the MLCer may or may not return, not because of, like Stayed said, of a marriage that no longer exists, but because of us.

That work is the same regardless of the marital outcome. Like OP said, if we focus 125% on ourselves, success is guaranteed. The success of a LBS does not equal marital reconciliation, it equals a person that has healed (at its own rate and in their own time, rushing will not help), grew and worked on theirself. That is success.
 
Regarding change and words. Words make a difference. Especially in a context where they are all there is. On a written online board there is no tone, no facial expression or body language . Words are the only thing one sees/reads/goes by.

Of course there is change. The board is now a few years old. Nothing remains static. Not HS, not the LBS, not the MLCer, let alone life.

Can we all do better? We can. Better is always possible.

But there is necessary to have in mind that like everything else, HS is going through growing pains, that like within any normal family there are discussions, arguments even, periods of what may seen instability and periods of serenity.

It is much more difficult to work, on any level (be it mentoring, moderating, giving advice, offer support) on a place with many people than on a place with a handful of people. Early on HS members were a much smaller group who knew each other fairly well.

Now the board grew, some of those members remain around but their situation has changed. Many new people come in (several of which come and went and we no longer know a thing about them). Like life, HS is in flow.

[UrsaMajor]

That work is the same regardless of the marital outcome. Like OP said, if we focus 125% on ourselves, success is guaranteed. The success of a LBS does not equal marital reconciliation, it equals a person that has healed (at its own rate and in their own time, rushing will not help), grew and worked on their self. That is success.

Anjae,

This sums it up perfectly....

Success can not be measured by numbers of reconciliations (or not), numbers of reconnections (or not) numbers of new relationships (or not)....

Success can, and SHOULD, be measured but the numbers of LBS's (we should also think about finding a better term for this as being left behind infers that we stay where we are/were)  who are living happy, productive fulfilling lives IN WHATEVER FORM THEY FIND MEANINGFUL AND SATISFYING FOR THEM.

RCR has posted on the old thread in a very comprehensive response. If you haven't had the chance to look at it (I got the "new post" notification this morning my time), it is well worth the read as it does describe some of her reasoning and thought processes that she was going through while writing the blog.

Peace,
UM

[Mitzpah]

RCR has posted on the old thread in a very comprehensive response. If you haven't had the chance to look at it (I got the "new post" notification this morning my time), it is well worth the read as it does describe some of her reasoning and thought processes that she was going through while writing the blog.

Peace,
UM

I am at work and just read the abovementioned post by RCR. Very well worth the read.

I would like to say that although the blog post initially ruffled me a little, I was obliged to look at my stand again and say that the odds are not so important to me at this time. I am standing with my eyes open and realize that there are no guarantees, in fact, the probability of a restored marriage is very slim when we take into account the universe of failed marriages. I know that having time and space to rebuild my life according to the principles I find important, has been essential. I strive to be coherent and consistent in my beliefs and not be swayed by stats.

[Thunder]

UM,

Thank you so much for letting us know RCR had written a response on the first, locked thread.  I would never have gone back to look at the locked thread.

I encourage everyone who hasn't read it to go read it.  Good stuff!