[karmirtsaghik]

Doesn't the questioning of this thread suggest that the return/not return of our spouses depends on our actions? After reading all the materials concerning MLC, as well as listening to much wiser and experience fellow LBSs the main conclusion I made is their behavior is not determined or impacted by our behavior. As a matter of fact, all the advice that is given suggests that we cannot influence MLC process and MLC er, the only person we can, indeed influence is us.
I told my H. who wanted to come back 9 months past BD that we were not ready to live together, as I believe he has not done his work and I have not finished my healing. My goal is not being married to someone who disrespects, lies, takes me for granted, etc. My goal is to have a meaningful, respectful, and trusting relationships. If that is possible with my H in the future, I cannot tell, most probably not, given his family's history of mental illnesses, inability to take responsibility for one's actions, etc. But I know for sure, that I will not sacrifice my dignity for the sake of marriage. It is just plain wrong. I live a good life with my kids, because I live it honestly and in peace with myself.
 It is hard to recover from betrayals, all those rude and offensive words, the name calling, unhinged anger directed at you,  etc. But it is impossible to recover if the forgiveness is not sought properly, not shown in actions, and there is no accountability whatsoever. Maybe, I ask for too much, but I think I deserve it. I do not need a man to make me happy. It would be nice, of course one day to have someone to share a laughter with, for example. But that somebody, whoever he is should be a worthy person. My H. MLC was not all doom and gloom for me, it was/is rather empowering for me to know that I can survive and thrive, in the country where I do not have roots, family, close friends, and connections. That I am the somebody my children look up to. I am happy to eat dinner every night with the best people on this planet, my S3 and D9.  Love to all of you.

[calamity]

Doesn't the questioning of this thread suggest that the return/not return of our spouses depends on our actions? After reading all the materials concerning MLC, as well as listening to much wiser and experience fellow LBSs the main conclusion I made is their behavior is not determined or impacted by our behavior. As a matter of fact, all the advice that is given suggests that we cannot influence MLC process and MLC er, the only person we can, indeed influence is us.

This is a contradiction we skate around and around on HS.  I don't believe there's anything we can do except get the heck out of their way and live our lives.  If the couple is reconciling, that's a different thing.

[Songanddance]

I am at a place where im not quite sure if i want to stand anymore. The reason being is my h has been so many places with this woman and has done so many things that i wanted to do with h. Im wondering if you all were the same. I mean my hs job took him from city to city where ow would meet him. Places i wanted to go. He took her to the other places where i stood as his wife .she was put in my spot. That hurts deeply. Some of what i read said when  redonciled  that didnt seem to matter much. How do you get over that? . It is not about forgiveness its that you cant forget. How do you truly recover? For me i dont care about the sex its the casuality and the fun and the places and the things they did. Thats all i can picture. Them in hots tubs ,getting massages . When i go out to eat ,i picutre them when i see other couples.

This is what the MLCer does - this is typical replay and I think KB you have to accept this as part of the process and perhaps take your eyes off reconciliation and more on to your mirror work.
I absolutely get what you are saying and told my H (stay at home replayer with OW for 3.5 years now) that he had robbed me of every memory we had because he had re-lived them them with OW.  I said it calmly but with intense anger and told him that he had no right to do that.  He had destroyed memories that were just ours and I doubted I could ever look at them as positively as I used to.  He sat there mute and nodded quietly. 

It really hurts because you want to know why, how, what motivates them....   However this is what makes you become bitter. That which we resist persists and that is why it is important to become a student of MLC - get to know it  and then leave them to it.  It is what it is and all you can do is create a life for you. 

[stayed]

We are here to support not dictate.  Everybody must do what they feel is best for them.  We suggest STANDING because it protects us from perhaps entering another relationship too soon, or retaliate out of vengeance and anger.  We all know how painful this is and we all know we do not want to do any more damage to ourselves, our spouses and our families.  So we grant ourselves a period of grace.  A period of time to grieve, mourn and hopefully heal.  A period of time to do a lot of mirror work.  A period of time to restore our self esteem, renew our self worth and take back our lives. 
 
I'm with Calamity, get out of the MLC's way.  Leave him/her to it.  I'm also with Songanddance, protect yourself from becoming angry and bitter, I can't think of anything worse that could happen to anybody.  As long as we are true to ourselves, I truly believe our lives will work out just fine. 

Whatever the outcome, we strive to use this time productively, as we know, life goes on, with or without our spouse.  Life is a beautiful thing and to waste it is truly a crime.

Hugs Stayed

[UrsaMajor]

We suggest STANDING because it protects us from perhaps entering another relationship too soon, or retaliate out of vengeance and anger.  We all know how painful
this is and we all know we do not want to do any more damage to ourselves, our spouses and our families.  So we grant ourselves a period of grace.  A period of time to
grieve, mourn and hopefully heal.  A period of time to do a lot of mirror work.  A period of time to restore our self esteem, renew our self worth and take back our lives. 
 
Whatever the outcome, we strive to use this time productively, as we know, life goes on, with or without our spouse.  Life is a beautiful thing and to waste it is truly a crime.

Dear Stayed,

This is the all-time BEST explanation that I have EVER seen here... because this is NOT about the Mid-Lifer, this is about US, the forsaken spouse... This is about OUR healing and OUR growth, no matter what our mid-lifer chooses to do because, in the end, it is their decision and their choice.. they are NOT criminally insane where a judge can say that they do not know right from wrong. If that were the case, there would be definitions and protocols for dealing with this just like any other illness or disease.

This is about reclaiming OUR power that we have given away in the course of our relationships. It is about learning (or relearning) who we are as humans - reestablishing that person that our mid-lifer found so irresistible in the first place but NOT DOING IT FOR THEM OR TO GET THEM BACK. Rather doing it for US to be the people we were always meant to be.

new thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8389.0