[ruggedendurance]

believe it or not.   I live in a cabin and I was snowed in last night.   Just me and a 1.75 of Jim Beam.   Jim said.............  pop this cork and make an a$$ out of yourself on HS.

I'm good at taking orders.

I fancy myself as a cowboy.......   well.   If I had some horses.   I would have gotten drunk and told them what I told you.    They would understand.

But.   Thanksgiving is near.   And.   It appears that I am going to stay drunk for a couple of months.

Love you  all.

I'll check in after Easter

[stayed]

Here's hoping you don't stay drunk for the entire next two months, not sure how that would benefit you, but hell, you a grown man, so fill your boots. 

All this soul searching is a good thing.  I imagine you figure you are being HONEST with yourself, not sure about that though, as it really is hard to be as honest as we think we are.  The ONLY thing I would suggest you might consider doing is to break your contemplations down into 3 pieces.

1)  Figuring out yourself.  Where you were, how you got here and where you want to go? So that's 3 more places to go on the first part.

2)  Figuring out your WIFE/partner!  A lot more "surmising" with that, because seriously, we are not able to actually get into each others heads, that being said though, we can evaluate what all we THOUGH we saw of our partner throughout our marriage.  Again, break it down into the 3 parts.  Where were you in this relationship with you wife, how did you get here with her and where do you want to go? 

3)  Figuring out your MARRIAGE!   A bit more complex, without a doubt because so much of our attitude/behavior/performance is based on what we saw around us.  Starting from Leave it to Beaver (if you are that old) right to the more recent programs such as Desperate Housewives.  Everything in between, what was our parents/grandparents/siblings/friends marriages like, etc. This is an interesting exercise, well worth looking at very closely.  Surprising what you will find.

This seems like a lot, but seeing as you are planning on being drunk for the next couple of months you might as well have some food for thought.  The really crazy part though, when you figure you have it all FIGURED... go back and look again.  The damn terrain just keeps on changing.  Lot's of us was my own ridiculous EXPECTATIONS... some was stuff I had EVERY reason to believe I should be able to expect and others... somewhere in between.  The in between one's are the tricky parts.

Good to hear from Ruggedendurance, you always spice things up when you decide to honour us with your presence. 

Hugs Stayed

[OldPilot]

If I had some horses.   I would have gotten drunk and told them what I told you.    They would understand.

But.   Thanksgiving is near.   And.   It appears that I am going to stay drunk for a couple of months.

Hey Rugged - I know you still don't think much of me and I am not sure about whether you are
serious about all the drinking but personally I think
that if you are serious it is something you should really think about.

I stopped drinking sometime in my 20's.
Never liked the feel of the next day.

Good luck - Cowboy!

[in it]

RE I'm not sure why you feel the need to punish yourself the way you do. Jim Beam isn't a friend of yours. He might numb the pain for a while but when you wake up..the pain is still there and you just feel like $h!te.

I know I'm being simplistic and what you are dealing with is more complicated than that.

This is a really good discussion thread and it would be a shame if you didn't stay involved with it.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Ruggedendurance,

I love nice guys and always have. I just seemed to pick really screwed up men with FOO issues. This is your W's MLC. It sounds like you are a great husband. Own that. I can honestly say I do not like overly macho men. They tend to lack the ability to be romantic, emotionally intimate, and nurturing. I doubt H and I will ever get back together, so all I can say is the next man MUST have certain qualities that are deal breakers. I will not settle for anything less.

I made a long list of everything I wanted and needed in a partner and here are some of those qualities: ability to embrace and show emotional intimacy, be 100% honest, romantic, friendly and pleasant, respectful, selfless, faithful, intelligent (or at least have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation), take care of his body (doesn't have to be a body builder, but at least try to be in shape and eat right), finds me desirable (my H withheld compliments, love, affection, sex for 2 years pre-BD), embraces and accepts my children, likes animals, spiritual, and willing to work on relationship issues (H did not believe in therapy, discussing marital problems, or utilizing our spiritual program).

H meets maybe 2 of these qualities. He's so far away from my list of an ideal partner I no longer find him appealing. Everyone's partner list is different. Have you thought of qualities you want and need in a partner? Would your W still have the qualities you desire on that list? Make the list without thinking of her.

[in it]

I agree with MoreWillBeRevealed

You mentioned you liked feminine females..what is your idea of a feminine female?

And I agree make the list excluding her.

I used to tell the ex he'd make a man out of me yet..

[Dji76]

Morewill: Lots of "nice guys" are only nice to get what they want. They havent learned to be assertive and honest in articulating their needs and getting them met. Not saying this is the case with the nice guys you have met but i think it does happen.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

I can honestly say all of my relationships were with "nice" people. They changed or I changed along the way. That is how nice became not nice. When I met my H, his most important thing was our recovery program. In the past few years and after his dad died, he became complacent in that program and MLC set in. He is no longer the truly spiritual person I fell in love with--H is not himself. I truly believe if he hit the ground running with recovery when his dad died, we wouldn't be in this mess. Instead, he chose to isolate and bury himself in denial, depression, and self-centeredness.

But, yes, many people act nice as a front in the beginning. I didn't have that experience. I'm pretty good at reading people and still would have married my first H, who became and angry jerk years later, and my current H, who was filled with spiritual recovery when we met. Neither were fronts or fakes. Life, chemical/hormonal imbalances, and spiritual isolation set in. I've met many men now who I clearly see as nice phoneys. It's that obvious. So, I don't believe we should live our lives bitter and closed-minded that all nice guys really aren't. Pay attention. Don't be naive. That's what we need to do. Anything can happen to anyone to make them change at any moment, especially when experiencing grief. How people choose to tackle life's tragedies and downfalls is what will define a person. It doesn't mean they aren't "nice" people.

Prior to my previous post, I hadn't read rugged's other posts. I was simply responding to the original question. Rugged, I think your isolation is wearing on you. Please get out of it and by all means do not use alcohol to numb or deal with your W's MLC. THAT is unattractive. I do not drink because I've been clean and sober 18 years. I would never date a man who finds solace in Jim Beam. I don't care if my partner has a drink occasionally, but it sounds like you are self-medicating. Possibly checking out a 12 step program would help.

[hawk]

But do you really think you can make a list at this age and just go out and find it , just like that.
Date sites are full of middle aged people deciding they have a list and will except nothing less.
So disney lala land to me bc most of them have been single 10 or 15yrs and not getting any younger so it kinda boggles my mind and if you see 2nd marriage stats , ummmm    and middle age ain't exactly prime for finding perfect. 

My dad always said nothing is ever perfect. Perfect doesn't exist.
And l've learned 100 times he was right , as he usually was about most things.
l looked for perfect in my prime but these days l know it's pretty unlikely l'd be lucky enough to find it again now at this age and stage in life .
So me , there's a few things yeah , but l also been with enough women to know that love can come in just about any combination too that will surprise the hell out of you every time.

Strangely though , even after everything , if l could l'd actually love someone just like my wife.
How fkd is that . She was a good person though , and an absolute one of a kind and sexy one. It just got messed up. life.

[in it]

No Hawk not make a list and find it..just make a list.

 And I do agree about the isolation part Rugged ..you may be being too harsh with yourself....I know maybe the motivation isn't there but you isolating yourself may not help right now.

My father used to use the phrase " You have to get out and blow the stink off once a day".