[ruggedendurance]

What if we take the other side of that coin re? I agree, an incredible amount of pain will cause an incredible change in a person. What if we lbs take that pain, recogize our weaknesses and decide to level up our lives? Work hard on ourselves to make positive changes and become the person we want to be! I guess I disagree with the "we are who we are" idea... Or maybe thats just who i am.

I get it.  I guess where I am right now is a person in transition to who I want to end life as.

I met her when we were in our early 20's    I've been a companion, husband and father.    Regardless of how well I performed at those tasks.....   that was my identity.

When she pulled out...........   the way she pulled out...

We had been together so long I can't really remember living without her.

So.  Now who the h#ll am I?   My identity was taken at that time.   Now I'm............ what?   Single.  available.  broken.  despondent.  confused...........

I guess.   I am conscientious enough to try to figure this out.   I wasn't perfect.   I have been way less than perfect for the last 4 yrs.   I'm actually trying to come out the other side of this, a better person than the one that went in.

I know I process this madness like a bull in a china shop but I gotta face it.   I'm not the most sophisticated guy on HS.

I adore women but.   I never was a man w#ore so running to other women was never my bag.    I am actually taking this time to figure things out.

Like I say.   Not the best at explaining myself.

Thanks for the suggestions

[nah]

Like I say.   Not the best at explaining myself.

Actually just the opposite.  I'm looking at things a whole new way... I feel like I have gotten more information on this thread, more than the past 2+ years on this forum.

Until now I thought it was only me that lost myself.  I was a stay at home mom, built my entire world around husband and the kids.  My life became fulfilling their needs, not my own.  I guess I took "It's him, not me" and ran with it.

I felt like I "allowed" him everything he asked for...
He wanted to work in another state....Ok (I gave up a great job offer so he could do his)
He wanted a motorcycle... OK
A mustang...Ok (I drove same crappy van for 15 years)
Join a band, hockey, guns, daily training at gym, ....Ok, Ok, Ok
Go somewhere, not go somewhere, etc

I was NOT a naggy type wife, I wanted him to have and do whatever he wanted... I couldn't figure out (and neither could anyone that knew us) why HE would run away from ME.... I adored him, I thought I gave him everything a man could want in a woman....

BUT,.... Like I said earlier in this thread, I liked the "bad boys" and that was what he was when we met (as teenagers).

He was in a band, women were literally throwing themselves at him.  He had an offer to go to California and try to live his dream of being a rock star (this was the heyday of Hair bands, he had the looks and the talent).

I said I would wait...

He said no.

He said he was a man and knew men's thoughts when they looked at a women like me.  He said he knew what it would take to keep a woman like me.  Get a job, get a haircut, be faithful.

Instead of a rock star he became a husband, a father, a coach, middle management at a company.

Without making him, did he "feminize" himself to be with me?

What I'm asking is... Did your wife tell you to behave in ways that was against your nature or did you do these things because you wanted to be with her and you felt you had to make choices?  Each time you chose a path that was against your nature, a small piece of you changed into someone else?   

Like you said earlier, yes they could have fixed their current lives instead of blowing up everything/ everyone to try to make a new one but still....

I think I at least get it.  I don't like it but I get it.

[ruggedendurance]

What I'm asking is... Did your wife tell you to behave in ways that was against your nature or did you do these things because you wanted to be with her and you felt you had to make choices?  Each time you chose a path that was against your nature, a small piece of you changed into someone else?   

I did these things because I believed that was expected of me.  It was pressure from the "norm" or the "norm" at the time.

It wasn't my natural bent....  I felt I compromised and I paid for it

[ruggedendurance]

here is the deal.....

when I don't present my authentic self.   I disgust myself.

I never disgusted myself when I was insanely drunk.   I never disgusted myself when I rail at, what I perceive as pussies.   I disgust myself when I'm not being my genuine self............

I went against who I am in that marriage.   I compromised myself.   

I made parallels to being feminized.......

I love females.  I love feminine females.

It is a polar opposite to who I want to be.   It is a comparison to something I never wanted to be and something I never saw me being..........

I explain myself because I'm on this site.\
 
Never wanted to be a female.  Never wanted to compromise.....   Never wanted to be pissed on by the people I love.

Always wanted to be the big shouldered, jackass bullrider, John Wayne @$$hole........  I thought everybody understood me.

Straight up cowboy.   Honestly don't hate anybody.   You all got your reasons

[ruggedendurance]

I'm not society.

I don't understand.......

Help me understand.   I don't get it.  I don't like it......   I don't expect you to understand me.

Help me understand what drives people............

[ruggedendurance]

I'm going to help you understand what it is to be "cowboy".....

You don't ,
make quick judgements,  you don't persecute a person on sight, you observe that persons predicament and weigh it accordingly...........
Your thoughtful and discerning.


That is cowboy.............

Ya'all thimkin.......... rugged was unreasonable....... @$$hole to everybody.........

Ya'all knew where I was coming from....  drunk and angry.....  Maybe you didn't get drunk  maybe you didn't get angry.

I'm a straight up cowboy.  I'm living every emotion out of this life.  Love to outrage.  I hold nothing back.   I hold nothing from myself.......

Yeah.   I want to get better.  I will not hold a thing against myself....... I want to experience it.  all of it

[ruggedendurance]

A cowboy walks into situations that make people duck.............  cowboy says they are out of line.

Cowboy looks at a situation that looks amazingly complicated,  asks. "Is this a big deal?"

were simple. don't pretend to be otherwise................

Maybe,,,,,,,,,,  your complicated lives could be simplified........

[ruggedendurance]

naw,
I'm not what you saw.  I'm not what you think I am.  I wanna thank you.  You helped more than you will ever know.

Love all you all,

rugged

[ruggedendurance]

other thing about a cowboy........

he got his ass kicked by horses. bulls. men and women...............

you cant be tough until you got you ass kicked by everybody.

[Dji76]

Great posts rugged. Vulnerable and raw... Deep. Thats what it takes to get through this. Keeping it real with yourself and owning it. It sounds like you have a very clear understanding of who you are and who you want to be going forward! Keep being that man and refining as needed along the way. Its good to question everything. I know i held on to lots of beliefs formed in my youth that no longer serve me so I simply let them go.
As for "what drives people?" The simplest answer to that I have found is this. Everything we do is to avoid pain or seel pleasure. Like you said, cowboys look at something complicated and simplify it. This answer, at least to me, is very simple and honest.