[denjef31]

Cat66,

We need to remember most people who are depressed or suffering MLC do not think they are the problem. Some will be aware they are not themselves but they think the solution is to run away, self medicate with street drugs, affairs, abandonment, and even suicide. I gave all the medications prescribed a week or two and then I would toss them in the trash. The only ones I kept taking was the Wellbutrin because it gave me extreme boost of energy throughout the day. By the time I started taking Wellbutrin I I couldn't sleep for more than 2 hours.

The shambles my life was in haunted me. I hated my life and that included my job, my H, bills, the routine, just every aspect of it. I told myself if I didn't have kids I could go live the life I was meant to have, If I didn't marry the man I did I would have found me the love of my life and I would be happy. I was disappointed in my choice of friends, wished I was born into a different family. Poor me everything and everybody sucked. I also took the clonazepam to help with sleep because I couldn't turn my brain off, it was constantly thinking and processing. I would lay in bed night after night thinking what if this happened? What if I did this? What if he did this? Yadi Yadi ya just a bunch of numb blinding questions for myself. I was so tired everyday and extremely irritable. I would b$tch at who I could(H) then play pretend denjef31 to everybody else. I couldn't share to a soul I got what I wanted and was still miserable. I couldn't tell anyone I trashed H so bad but I loved him  and still wanted to be him, and that he was not all those things I painted him to be.

The 6-8 months after my awakening I was going to see a counselor by myself. Talking through it helped me tremendously. her and I decided I would try to deal with my depression without the drugs to see if I could make progress. She helped me realize that depression was real, and yes I truly had been depressed all this time. I have FOO issues I didn't know affect me so bad, my H affair, the death of my grandma, and dad. Just a lot of thingsI didn't deal with, but suppressed until the sh$t was falling out of my closet refusing to be ignored. I started taking each issue head on at rapid fire succession because again, I SENSED I was being left behind by H. Wallowing in my depression was no longer an option. Antidepressants are a good thing if they are able to find the right one's that works with your body chemistry. To me it just worsened my symptoms as I felt nothing at all.

[denjef31]

Whatthe,

How did he do this? He stopped everything I became accustomed to him trying to do. It's tough love. I guess he got to a point where he tried for 3 years to wait patiently for me to say I wanted the marriage back and that didn't work. He tried to date me that didn't work. He tried to stay away and out of my way that didn't work for long. He would stay away, but then he would see me and it would all crumble as he couldn't help but grab me for a hug or try to kiss me. He would call I answer then he would start talking relationship talk about getting back together and moving back in. When I wasn't receptive he would be so hurt and cry to me, retreat for a few days but I didn't care. His feelings were not my concern during this time.

He finally at some point detached, really started not just meeting women to make me jealous but to actually move on. He didn't tell me that I sensed it. I could feel literally the shift from I was his number 1 priority to she doesn't want me so she is someone I will always care about, but I have to move on type of shift. He didn't try to convince me he was done. He just did it. That scared me and I cried all night why the h$ll was I doing this. So many nights after the shift I just wanted to get in my car go to H apartment and just grab him, hug him, and tell him I do love him, and I do want the marriage. I didn't, not yet. I wasn't ready just yet and also because of pride. By then any negative feelings I had about H or the marriage were gone I just couldn't recall anything that warranted all that I had done. H started giving me tough love. He no longer was acting like my H by cutting the grass, fixing things around the house, offering to take to work or pick me up when we had bad weather, call to check on me everyday just because. He simply gave me what I thought I wanted with no interference from him whatsoever. When he did this to back away from the situation is when I was starting to come forward but it was slow and gradual. It took me almost another 8 months to open my mouth. End the end I do believe the LBS will have the final say in most cases  it just takes a long time to get to that place

[Thunder]

denjef,

This just proves what RCR's articles tell us is so true.  These MICer's do not care they are hurting us.

You have to completely let them go!  Drop the rope!  Live "as if" their not coming back.  LEAVE them alone.

I hope everyone reads this thread.Thanks, den.   

[Loyal]

Attaching

[whatthe????]

So you wanted him to go and find someone else to relieve guilt or so he wouldn't be lonely?  What was your thinking on this?
How do you totally drop the rope and leave them be if they are at home and involved in every aspect of your life?

[Cat66]

Denje

Thank you for your reply, I am finding your posts so helpful.  You explain your thought processes and emotions so well, it really is illuminating to see things from your old perspective.  I can relate so much of what you experienced to what I believe my H has been going through since BD and for at least a year before that. 

[strength]

denjef, This was so helpful for me as I am sure it was for many other LBS.  My H doesn't seem to worry or care about anything I do.  It has been 3+ years, and finally we can have a civil conversation.  I am trying to tie up the D.  H is very matter of fact about it.  H has destroyed everything in his path.  Still with OW - 24, H - 63.  I don't see that ending.  I do see bits and pieces of what you are saying.  How long did the MLC last for you? 

[denjef31]

Whatthe,

I didn't want him to find anyone else that's the point I am trying to make. Most of the spouses do not want you to move on. Sure they will tell you that, and some believe they do but deep down it simply isn't true. I told him that because I was confident he wouldn't. I told him that to relieve my own guilt so I could say that I never told him to wait for me, and that  I never told him he couldn't find someone else. I also told him that so if should catch me out with my friend I could say we are separated I told you to go find you somebody.

The whole time I was aware I didn't want that and I would be jealous and crushed if he did. Depression/MLC is a slippery tight rope to walk on trying to balance wanting freedom and being single, but hoping and expecting your old life waits for you to figure out whether you want or should return to it.i can't stress how selfish and disgusting it is. I felt I lost complete control of my abilities to make wise decisions during that time so I snuck around doing whatever I wanted that didn't include my family.

Whatthe, you must start going out with girlfriends, spend us much time as you can outside of the home and don't include him in the activities.  Let him think about the fun you are having, the people you are meeting. Be very guard full just as he is with you in sharing what, who, and where you go. You are creating an air of mystery for yourself. At first you will be doing it for his benefit but then you will actually enjoy doing new hobbies, hanging out with old friends. He of course initially will be relieved and happy you are out for his own selfish reasons but eventually when he is with her and he knows you are not twiddling your thumbs watching the clock it will be him thinking about you the whole time he is with ow. That's when wheels of motion sets in and things begin to change as he begins to wonder if he might lose you. It isn't easy to do but that is really why it is important to GAL. I had a tough time with it as well and I have been through depression and I know what to not do but I did it. You will get there

[denjef31]

Strength,

Your H is still deep in the tunnel and the OW hasn't let her mask slip just yet. Sometimes everything has to be lost for them to hit their rock bottom. You won't be able to reach him right now with anything meaningful this just has to play out. You will get some hope every now and then as he gets a moment of clarity but you would have to give more details about what you are seeing and hearing from him and perhaps people that are close to him. I am not familiar with your thread I will try to read up on it tomorrow.


Denjef31

[whatthe????]

thanks Den.
Some days I have to redefine what GAL/live for me means...today is one of those days.