[ember]

attaching

[Tyks]

I appreciate this thread.

I wanted more, I wanted to feel alive. In that dark tunnel I was in there was a good and bad side of me; it was a jeckyll/hyde situation. One part of me was saying don't do this, look at the people you will hurt, the damage you will cause. The other self was saying do it! You only live once, I have to live for me and me only and when I die I didn't want to have any regrets. So I constantly fought these feelings but the bad side always overpower at first.   

I sent my H an email last week talking about separation, divorce and selling the house. That "surprised" him. He then suggested MC "to figure out where WE go from here".

During the first session he told the counselor that he is torn between what he "should do" and what "he wants to do".

I got a little upset by that but now reading your post I understand. At this moment in time he thinks he should come because it is the right thing to do but he doesn't want to bc he thinks that he has been settling all this time. He thinks he can. Find what he wants with someone else, passion is the number one thing he is missing. But he doesn't even know what passion is unfortunately. He told the counselor that we have never had a passionate relationship. Together 22 years I find that hard to believe. Ours was not perfect but it was great imo ...

Anyway, thank you for this thread.

[denjef31]

Hang on Tkeybal, nothing going to wake him up but his own actions or inactions. Sounds like forced him to eel out the tunnel

[gman242]

Tkeybel, don't be thrown by the passion thing. I get told she doesn't find me attractive, I'm not fun and she's not sure if she still wants to be a couple with me. If that were true, they'd run and not look back and not be caught in this limbo mess.

Passion, sex, lust, attraction and romance are all just drugs they use to create a wall between them and their issues. I read through W's diary when I was cleaning out her stuff and I can tell I am the only person she has truly loved or wanted to be with. Every other person, she was clearly in love with being in love. When you love someone unconditionally and as an equal, that other person is left as another part of the whole and in being such, they are left to deal with themselves as individuals, often for the first time in their lives.

Kids, marriage and careers often provide just enough of a barrier to keep them separate and then one day it's gone and they don't want to look inwards. They then find someone else as a drug and use it as an excuse to justify never having should have been with you in the first place, since you leave them so dry and empty feeling. When all it really is that they wanted to avoid having to look long and hard into the mirror.

[Tyks]

Both those comments make a lot of sense. Thank you. I am trying not to take anything he says personally and I didn't say much during the counselling. I was curious as to what he was going to say. Limbo sucks but at least he is now trying to figure it out.

[strength]

denjef,  Thank you for the information on the tunnel.  My attorney sent H attorney a letter "either H signs or H is going to court" yesterday.  We had a decent conversation the other day, but nothing since.  H is still with OW/child.  No change in relationship.  H - "I am not happy, miserable as a matter of fact.  Stay in touch."  I don't want to reach out anymore.  Tired.  At 3+ years, should I see any signs of change?  Does the D awaken H at all?  I hope you had a chance to read my topic and replies. 

Lust, sex, craving - I have heard it all.  H brings OW everywhere.  So proud!!  Gave up everything.  OW in it for the $$$.  She harasses me all the time.  Pics of H and her at my home, texts, phone call, etc.

I don't see H ever coming back.  We had a wonderful marriage and beautiful children together.  I am mentally drained from it all.  I moved 1000 miles away and H never once came to see me.  Only tropical vacations with OW, dinners, concerts, in state trips.  Takes OW everywhere we ever went.

Talk to you soon.

[denjef31]

Strength,

I have started reading, but I have not finished because I have been at work all day. I hope to finish your thread tonight before I go to bed as I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow. I do want to say despite what you see, believe nothing, yes it is so hard to do when it seems you are not even getting breadcrumbs thrown your way that myself and others have shared on their thread. That doesn't mean anything. What it does mean is that your husband is running fast and hard.

No one can keep up that lifestyle, and at some point the ton of bricks will fall down on his head. This OW appears to be in it for the fun, thrills, and money. Once this lifestyle dries up what will they have then?  It is a torturous thing to sit back and watch the replay antics because it is cruel and selfish. I cant guarantee that he will come back to the marriage. I believe if you had a good marriage before the chances are good. Also for a man or a woman they have to feel that what they have is better in everyway than what they had to totally move on. If they don't feel that the OW/OM measures up then the cracks will start to appear as the pressure and demands they apply will not be worth the loss in the MLC/Depressed person's mind. Some people wake up sooner from the fog and some keep running.

[KeepItTogether]

Den--thanks for your insights. My sister went through MLC very recently as well, but she has not articulated it as you have. There may still be some lingering denial and definitely shame in her world tho.

I'm going to MC now with my H. He told the MC that he feels anxious around me. That he has no idea how to make that stop and that is what he wants "us" to work on. Is that guilt?

[Tyks]

Keepingittogether. It is definitely guilt. My husband has had a hard time around me since I found out about ow. He said he feels uncomfortable around me. Why would he feel that way after 22 years? Only because I remind him of his guilt.

[strength]

I do believe he is running hard and fast.  H will crash.  The OW knew from the start what she was after.  "I fell in love with you the first day I met you" OW.  OW was H's secretary in corporation.  She had one thing in mind and OW won't give up because she is living in the "palace" as she calls my home.  I am very tired and sick of the game.  Cant do it anymore.  I need relief and my life.  My family has suffered too much and our children, wives and grandchildren do not deserve this.  Both children followed in his footsteps professionally and now they do not speak.  I will live the rest of my life with my children.  He can have OW